"I have nothing to nag you about today," I informed Chuck. His initial reaction was utter disbelief.

To be fair, it's easy to see why. I have had to resort to what I think of as constant reminders in order to persuade Chuck to do even the simplest things. Chuck calls this nagging.

I realized how much effort was being wasted one day, as Chuck mentioned a former law colleague.

"It would be nice to get in touch with Meredith," I said. Then I recalled all the other people it would be nice to get in touch with, too. People he'd been meaning to contact for months now. "I don't suppose we'll get in touch with Terry or Bill Duncan," I hinted.

"We will," Chuck assured me. "I just need more time." More time? Hadn't it already been months? "See, they're on my list," he added.

So that was the explanation. They were on his To Do list. Once anything gets on Chuck's To Do List, it never gets off. It sort of hangs out there indefinitely.

Chuck proudly held up the yellow legal pad with his To Do List. As of now, the list had 29 items on it. And every day the list gets longer.

"I have about 2 things to do on my list each day," I said. "And they get done. Maybe we should call your list the To Don't List."

That's when I realized that no matter how often I remind Chuck about doing something, it never gets done anyway. In fact, it occurred to me that reminding him is probably counter-productive. It only annoys Chuck. Who calls it nagging. Which only annoys me.

Because it's meant to be a reminder. It's not as if I like doing this anymore than Chuck does. I'd much rather not do it. But I have no choice.

"I'd be glad to stop nagging," I told Chuck. "And you can stop me. All you have to do is - do what you say you'll do," I pleaded reproachfully.

But he doesn't. So what happens routinely is, I nag Chuck and he procrastinates. I nag again and he procrastinates again. And so on.

These ineffective dynamics went on a long time before it occurred to me that I should make a serious effort at coming up with an alternative approach. Something with a chance of reconciling each of our concerns. Mine to get things done. And his to procrastinate.

So, in a moment of sheer inspiration, I figured out something new. Concentrated nagging.

"I've come up with a new policy on nagging," I announced to Chuck. "I think you'll like it better. Instead of nagging you all day, I'll nag you all at once." I hoped Chuck would be happy about this. But if he was, he didn't show it. I decided to try it anyway.

According to this new policy, after I kiss Chuck good morning, I announce that it's nagging time. But I assure him that it will take less than five minutes. "It'll be out of the way in five minutes," I promise. "And I won't bother you the rest of the day."

At first Chuck didn't like this policy any better than my other one. But I was eager to have him give it a chance. And after a day or so, he dropped his resistance. I guess he decided it was worth five minutes not to be nagged the rest of the day. So he doesn't mind.

And I've also learned to lower my expectations. I keep all my reminders minimal. I remind him about two, maybe three things at most. And I try to keep things simple. This generates a lot less hostility. And with less hostility, things are actually starting to get done.

And I'm pleased to report that results have exceeded anything I might have hoped for. They have defied probability. Especially considering the years of ingrained procrastination necessary to overcome..

"How's your To Don't List?" I asked Chuck recently.

"There are 31 things on the list today," Chuck said. "But 4 are crossed off. So it's down to 27."

As you can imagine, I was extremely pleased at the successful reduction of the To Don't List. But still, being a realist, I knew it would be prudent to keep track of Chuck's progress.

"How many things are on your To Don't List today?" I asked a few days later.

"I'm afraid I can't tell you that. It's classified information," he replied.

July 2001
BB