In an effort to reinvigorate my flagging presidential campaign, I decided to enlarge my platform. I'd appeal to a more extended audience than the four of us in New York who don't approve of TV. I decided that the reasonable thing to do was to introduce additional issues that may be irksome to my potential constituency. Issues that may have a more widespread appeal. Like quality of life issues that may be as distracting for vast numbers of others as they are for me. One such issue is the issue of left and right.

I have long been confused by the jargon of left and right, frequently turning left when I mean to turn right and vice versa. This problem is becoming just as annoying for the people who are with me as it is for me. So I have recently given it much thought. And I have arrived at the following conclusions. First, I have discovered that I use the words left and right interchangeably. And second, I have concluded that since I do, there are probably vast numbers of others who do the same thing but are too embarrassed to admit it.

So this is my plan. I intend to bring this hidden problem out into the open and make it respectable. Moreover, I intend to suggest a remedy that will make such a problem unnecessary once and for all. I shall propose to abolish the nomenclature "left" and "right," and to replace it instead by the words "this way" and "that way."

I first made this proposal public at an informal nonpolitical luncheon which took place at Berkeley when Chuck and I were there to visit Jill. We were at lunch with Jill and her friend Dave when I spontaneously decided to campaign. My proposal was received politely by all. But it failed to elicit the degree of enthusiasm I had expected. I quickly understood that I should not be too disappointed, since my anti-TV platform had initially received a response as tepid.

However, I am pleased to report that a useful consequence nonetheless occurred. The idea of introducing personal grievances into political platforms was well received by everyone present. And Dave was quick to suggest one of his own.

In air travel, he stated, passengers with children should be required to sit in a separate section of the plane. We all applauded the wisdom of such a winning proposition. Here was something which surely had wide popular appeal. Especially as the number of passengers who don't travel with children greatly exceeds the number who do. And how many people have had their flights made wretched by children who cry so loudly and continuously that you want to kill them? This was a perfect solution. Instead of killing these juvenile offenders, they would just be quarantined. My platform's appeal was increasing by leaps and bounds.

Soon Jim and Jitka arrived in California, too. As soon as the opportunity presented itself, I told them about the newest additions to my platform. I'm afraid I had an ulterior motive. I was still hoping to win their vote. Something my anti-TV platform had failed to do. Perhaps the new proposals would hold more interest for them. I told them about Dave's suggestion for quarantining children during air travel.

Jitka had an even better idea. "Put the children in cargo," she suggested. "That way a lot of parents would travel by air just to get away from their kids."

We all admired the brilliance of such a wonderful modification and wished we had thought of it ourselves. This modification would have the virtue of attracting large numbers of parents as well as non-parents. Even the airlines would benefit by an influx of passengers willing to pay anything to enjoy a few childfree hours.

"You can start electioneering up and down the aisles immediately," Chuck enthused.

However, I was disappointed to find that Jitka wasn't nearly as enthusiastic about endorsing the use of "this way" and "that way." She had in fact detected a serious problem with the phrases. She had noticed that I was using them as interchangeably as I use "left" and "right." "It's inconsistent," she pointed out.

I immediately realized that she was correct. (I will be now using the word 'correct' in lieu of the word 'right'.) The inconsistency is a problem. But it might turn out to be only a minor flaw. And I'm reluctant to abandon the concept entirely. Not quite yet.

Jitka further observed that if a standard reference point were needed to distinguish "this way" from "that way," we might just as well use "left" and "right." I was dismayed to realize that again she was correct. The entire concept needs more work. Still, I remain committed to it. I do not intend to disappoint the potentially vast untapped pool of the electorate who are as directionally confused as I am.

That afternoon, we were at Sterling Winery, waiting for the cable car. A lively young child about three years old was dancing here and there. The line was starting to move. "Come this way," her mother directed her. The child kept dancing about, just ignoring her. "Not that way," the mother admonished sternly. "This way." I considered such a coincidence to be wonderful, providing indisputable proof, if any were needed, of the workability of my scheme. I proudly reported the details to Jill, who was standing nearby.

Jill laughed. "I guess it's as good an indication as any of the age level of your proposal," she said.

September, 2000
BB