Not for one minute had I intended to shop-lift. It's not the sort of thing I'd ever do. So it was quite a surprise to discover that it was precisely what I had done.

We were in Berkeley with Jill before driving up the coast to Sea Ranch. We decided to hang out in town for the afternoon. I'd lost my favorite $3.00 baseball cap in NY on the way to the airport, and by the time I realized I'd left it in the taxi, it was too late. The taxi had already gone. So I would try to replace it in Berkeley. Jill took us to some of her favorite stores. Our first stop was an office supply store. Then we went to Ross.

Ross is a discount store. I love discount stores. There we were in Ross, with row after row of brand name sweaters and blouses, all marked down. And row after row of accessories - socks and hose, pocketbooks, wallets and sunglasses - all marked down. Chuck went directly to the hat section and found the perfect black baseball cap for me. It had no logo and it cost $6.00, which, although more than my original cap cost, was still in my approved price range. We decided to get three. To keep some in reserve. Just in case.

Buoyed by such immediate success, I looked through the rest of the merchandise. I picked out some socks at 3 for $5.00, a black silk tee shirt from Express for $8.99, and a pocketbook for $9.99. I wanted to really think about whether I needed any of them and try not to buy them just because they were cheap.

Meanwhile, Chuck and Jill had wandered upstairs to the men's section and to household and decorative items. Chuck didn't want anything because he doesn't like to buy clothing in discount stores. Jill was at the doll section. She was visiting a doll that she always visits when she comes to Ross.

I was curious about Jill's doll. It turned out to be a smiling workman in a blue cap, white shirt, light blue overalls and chipped yellow shoes. Jill wouldn't buy him because she already had her quota of dolls. The quota was seventy-three. Every one of them attired in an elegant Victorian costume that she had sewn.

But Jill really liked this workman, who was marked down to $1.99. I thought she should buy him. That way she wouldn't have to visit him all the time. I considered her reason for not buying him to be silly. I'd try to convince her that the workman was an exception to her quota of elegantly attired Victorian dolls.

"He can be an emissary from the real world," I said. Jill liked that idea. She'd buy him after all. She would also buy a $6 broken gazebo that an assistant manager had told her she could have for half price. I decided that I really didn't need the pocketbook or the shirt and that I wouldn't buy them just because they were inexpensive. We gathered our items and proceeded to the register.

Jill told the cashier about the broken gazebo. The cashier insisted on knowing who had said she could get it for half price. Jill described the assistant manager, but the cashier didn't believe her anyway. A dispute ensued between the two of them. The dispute was resolved only when Chuck told Jill that the broken gazebo was too tacky for her elegantly attired Victorian dolls anyway. The cashier then proceeded to add up the items. The bill came to over $50.00.

"Over fifty dollars?" I exclaimed. I was stunned. How can anyone spend fifty dollars in a discount store? On practically nothing! I couldn't believe it. I pulled out a sales receipt from one of the shopping bags. The first item listed was TAPE - $1.39. No wonder we were paying so much! That bill was padded!

"We didn't buy any tape!" I exclaimed indignantly. We were obviously being charged for items we hadn't bought.

"That receipt isn't from this store," Chuck said. I handed him the receipt, and he put it back into the bag containing office supplies. Jill put the gazebo down, and she and I stalked out.

Despite the dispute and my suspicions, I thought we'd done well. I had found a baseball cap and some socks. And Jill was taking home the doll she always visited. And for once I hadn't bought lots of things I didn't want just because they were inexpensive.

As we were crossing the street, I noticed a strap on my shoulder. It suddenly occurred to me that I had left my bag in the trunk of the car. What was slung over my shoulder? I looked down. It was the pocketbook I had decided not to buy. I had stolen it!

We all laughed when we realized what I had done. We were too tired from so much disputing to go back into the store to return it. Besides, I didn't want to be arrested for shoplifting.

"We could be a shoplifting gang," Chuck said cheerfully. "We'll distract people. We'll call ourselves the 'They Said We Could Have It For Half Price Gang.'"

That night at dinner, Jill told Simon and Dave what had happened. "Mom shoplifted today," Jill said. I was really embarrassed, and I tried to explain that it was totally unintentional. "She also told me to buy a doll so it would be my 'emissary from reality,'" she added. Everyone burst into laughter.

"I said 'the real world,'" I stammered, lamely trying to explain again.

Jill went on. "Now you know why I tell my friends that my mom is even more out of touch with reality than I am."

Chuck laughed. "What do your friends say about that?" he wanted to know.

"Well. The last person I told that to said, "WOW!"

February,2001
BB