I really have no patience with television. And I haven't for years. In fact, I haven't even owned a television set since I was in college. I wouldn't know how to turn one on if I wanted to. Especially now. With so many complicated extras. Like remote controls and VCRs. But luckily for me, I don't want to anyway. Because I just don't like television. I still don't have one. And I don't miss it, either.

But with so much stress at work, Chuck needs to relax. After all that pressure during the day, he just needs to veg out and unwind. The same way everyone vegs out and unwinds. By watching television. And although I don't think television is good for much, even I have to admit it's good for that. And I've been trying to be more understanding.

So imagine my surprise when I discovered that all the time the television is on, Chuck is hardly ever watching it. Which only goes to show how misleading appearances can be. Because all the time I've been thinking he's watching TV, he isn't. He's doing something very different. Something far more constructive. He's taping.

Chuck loves taping programs from TV. He tapes everything he can. Everything worth watching. And since that isn't much, he tapes everything not worth watching, too. Which is a lot. So there's always something to tape. This requires a great deal of time and effort. Which Chuck is very conscientious about. With so much to tape, you have to be. And he's come up with a very effective taping system.

The first thing he does is run out to buy TV Guide. Every Monday, as soon as it reaches the newsstand. Next he sets aside enough time to research what will be on that week. He considers each program carefully, and in some unknown way he decides what to tape. Then he circles each program he'll tape. One at a time. In bright red. So he'll know at a glance what he should be taping. He doesn't want to miss a thing. Then he programs the VCR. Every day. So that everything will be properly taped even if he isn't there.

This procedure has to be extremely complex. Because I've never seen so many buttons on a remote control. There are so many buttons that I don't know how he remembers what to press which button for. I know I can't. There are so many buttons that I don't have a clue how to turn his TV on. Let alone his VCR.

But Chuck is extremely capable. And always taping everything he can. For himself and for anyone else. For himself, he likes to tape old movies. Then he sets them aside. In case he ever wants to watch them. Which he'd like to do. But he can't. He doesn't have time. He's too busy taping.

He likes to tape sports events, too. Sometimes he even watches these. He actually prefers watching sports on tape so he can fast-forward through the boring parts. I have no idea how he decides which parts are boring. Since every part looks boring to me.

Chuck declares that taping sports events can be tricky. A lot of problems can occur. The worst is when the game gets cut off. Because if a game is tied and it goes into overtime, the tape can end before the game does. Then Chuck will have no idea who won. Fortunately this doesn't happen very often. Only if a game is exciting.

Another problem occurs if two programs are on at the same time. Or if Chuck forgets to tape something. Or both.

Once we had to race back to the apartment because of this. We'd been out to a concert and dinner. Chuck had remembered to tape the football game while we were gone. But he'd forgotten to tape something else. Something called Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Luckily he remembered before we ordered dessert. So we were able to dash away immediately. For a while there the situation was pretty tense. Because of unexpected traffic and all tying up the streets. We weren't sure we'd get back in time for Chuck to tape Buffy. He was really upset about this. But we arrived in the nick of time.

I wondered what all this fuss could be about. Until Chuck explained that Buffy's become one of his favorite programs. He showed me the episode we raced back for. He said he thinks Buffy's cute. I was surprised to see that Buffy was a high school kid. I've stopped identifying with high school kids since I was in high school. They were all talking about what happened when they were in fourth grade. I don't really identify with fourth graders anymore, either. And, to make matters worse, it was set in Los Angeles. As a New Yorker, I have nothing in common with Los Angeles. I just couldn't sit through this episode. I hoped I wasn't hurting Chuck's feelings too much. Especially after the way he raced back and all to tape it.

Chuck has other programs he tapes, too. Like Kung Fu: The Legend Continues. He showed me an episode. It reminded me of the old cowboy movies I used to watch when I was young. Only instead of shooting each other, everyone was doing kung fu.

Chuck also tapes the X Files for himself and Jitka. Chuck showed me an episode, but it was too scary. Then Chuck tapes Seinfeld for Jim. Chuck doesn't like Seinfeld. From the little I saw, neither do I.

And Chuck also tapes programs for Jill. He used to tape 90210 for her until Jill found out that she can tape it herself in Berkeley. I think Chuck was disappointed at not taping it anymore. But he cheered up considerably when he found he could tape Party of Five and Melrose Place instead. Then Jill stopped liking Melrose Place. And Party of Five went off the air. I haven't seen any of these shows. Chuck wouldn't show them to me.

So even though the TV may be on a lot, it turns out that Chuck is almost never watching. He'd probably like to. But he doesn't have time. He's too busy taping.

Which should have been obvious from the hundreds of tapes stacked all over the place. Television programs that no one watches. Not even Chuck. Which is why he tapes them in the first place. So he doesn't have to watch them on TV.

Because as everyone knows, there's almost nothing worth watching on TV, anyway. With a few exceptions. Such as old movies. Sports. The X Files. Kung Fu. And Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

And as you'd expect, Chuck has every one of these shows on tape. They're stacked all over the place. And one day, Chuck may even find time to watch them.

November, 1997
BB