About the ex wife and or widow of Charles Darwin who dedicated his life to the Comfort Station that that Origin of Species so deceived but so naturally selected shall not perish from this earth.
Charles Darwin, a dead Eighteenth Century geneticist who wrote ORIGIN OF THE SPECIES.
His widow and or ex wife the kid Nettie, who is being revived after attempting to get high and or die, in Saint Titty West, a ward at Saint Recent's Hospital,
An ethnic male nurse.
The floor nurse Clara Darrow Swopes.
The ethnic Archangel Supervisor of Nurses.
A visionary student shrink team.
A cop from the Sixth Precinct who is undergoing gastric distress.
A patient named Mrs. Aging who wants her teeth put back in during the night so she will look pretty when her husband comes to visit.
Her ethnic husband, Mr. Aging.
All characters can triple in roles. Three females and two males are needed. They should all have strong present time ethnic accents which are natural to them.
Narrator: VISIONS OF THE COP FROM THE SIXTH PRECINCT OFF DUTY. ILL. AND BEING PREPARED FOR A BARIUM ENEMA WHILE UNDERGOING GASTRIC DISTRESS IN A FAR CORNER OF THE WARD AT SAINT TITTY'S WEST.
The scene is a bare stage anywhere, containing three Victorian screens and one wheelchair. Stage left there are six brooms and six dustpans. As each character enters he or she takes a broom and dustpan and begins sweeping towards one of the Victorian screens. The screens are a metaphor for changing feelings, character changes when characters go behind, emerging as different characters wearing different hats. There are nurse's caps, a police cap, and flags attached to brooms which identify characters as their voices change. Each character has a hammer which he or she can pick up at will and use to indicate their actual state of mind while speaking. Some of the action takes place behind the screens, some in front. Sometimes characters are saying one thing but indicating something else such as when there is frantic talk of resusication, oxygen, emergency measures, but what is seen by the audience is stockings, pants, bras and panty hose being thrown over the curtain.
Movement and pacing according to the score, is left to the musical director. Basic score consists of the Angina Rag Sonata Fuge collaged against Random Oscillations, and sections are played between and sometimes lightly during each brief blackout scene. Music is original but improvisations and other instrument solos are allowed, thus contradicting the definition of sonata.
It is necessary to the communication that each of the characters who double or triple roles, maintain a strong ethnic accent in at least one of their voices. One strong Puerto Rican accent, one Yiddish accent, and any other indiginous to New York today, are needed.
The Victorian screens, the brooms, the hammers, and one wheelchair serve as constantly shifting metaphor for the actors. Whoever feels lowest at that moment, slumps in the wheelchair. It is simply there and anyone can be a patient when they like. Their identification is by hat, flag and voice, not their actions which are often the opposite of their words.
Narrator:
(kibitzer) VISIONS OF THE VISION OF THE VISIONARY STUDENT SHRINK TEAM WHO ATTEMPT TO ASSIST NETTIE THE PREGNANT DIVORCED YOUNG WIDOW OF CHARLES DARWIN AFTER HER ATTEMPT TO GET HIGH AND OR TAKE HER OWN LIFE ON TUINALS, SECONAL, GOOFBALLS, SIX IN ONES, UPS, DOWNS, IN AND OUTS, AND SOME OF THAT LEFTOVER OLD SUNSHINE ACID FROM 1969.
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse give me my teeth."
Nurse One
"Look they're right in the drawer. We'll put them back in your mouth for breakfast."
Nurse Two
"14cc and make it fast. Put her in the end bed."
Mrs. Aging
"Let me have my teeth please. I'm scared to sleep without them. If my husband sould come in - "
Nurse One
"You're not going to die. All you had was a barium enema. They're safe in the drawer."
Mrs. Aging
"Let me have my teeth please. Seven hundred dollars. I'll die. I'm paying here. I have Blue Cross."
Nurse Two
"So die awhile. We have a new admission. I never saw so many seconals in puke and most of it already got absorbed."
Mrs. Aging
"I had my teeth six years already. Call the police. Get me Legal Aid. I sold the seal coat to get the teeth. I wear the teeth every night."
Nurse One
"Why does everyone talk at once? Why do people O.D.? Listen, I can't find a decent vein on this side."
Mrs. Aging
"You want I sould be seen without my teeth after I sold my Alaskan Seal to get them? It makes me nervous. Where is the cat? He used to bring me everything."
Nurse Two
"The IV's just not working right. Where is the point? There is a clot inside. I tried flushing it twice but it's not going. So why is it leaking?"
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse, please be good. I need a little apple juice with ice chips -"
Nurse Two
"Mrs. Aging, be patient. We have a real emergency at the moment. Nettie! Say something. Breathe a little. Come on kid. Listen, there's a clot and it's not going in. Call the station. Isn't there one ass dragging resident on call?"
Nurse One
"Deck the halls with bus or trolley - tra la la la la la - why is Christmas always like Kennedy's assasination?"
Mrs. Aging
"Please, nurse. Be nice, be good."
Nurse Two
"Can't someone shut up Mrs. Aging? No time for the teeth back in her mouth. The IV isn't going in right. I'm not getting a pressure on Nettie ..."
Nurse One
"Nettle Darwin" it said in her adress book. She took enough pills to down a horse."
Mrs. Aging
"It was seven fittings for the teeth and only two to get the seal coat. The furrier was better than the Dentist."
Nurse Two
"Shut up! Look Golden Age Club, we've got an emergency."
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse please be nice. Forgive me for any trouble I cause. Please Nurse. What I saw in Poland - what they did to us in Poland -"
Nurse One
"Nettle, breathe! Slap her. Why do they do it? Listen, we need the Doctor."
Mrs. Aging
"I need a little juice with ice chips that the teeth would go in."
Nurse Two
"Mrs. Aging, the kitchen is closed."
Mrs. Aging
"So angel darling, maybe someone has the key? Blue Cross is paying."
Nurse One
"Shut that old ass up. I'm not getting a reading. I'm not getting nothing."
Nurse Two
"9 cc. 11 cc. 16 cc."
Nurse One
"How do they go in Mrs. Aging. I never did this before? Where are they?"
Mrs. Aging
"Find the bottom teeth angel nurse darling. God will reward with 8 percent interest. Hold this while I put in the bottom teeth when you find them. They should be in the apple juice."
Nurse Two
"Maybe we could get a vein in Nettie's thigh like they said they did to the cardiac from Cronin Nine. If this IV clogs, she's not going to make it. To many downs. Come on kiddo, say how many downs did you take to get high? Answer sweetie. Say something. Breathe for Christsake. Slap."
Mrs. Aging
"The apple juice is behind the pocketbook, nurse, angel, darling."
Nurse Two
"Where is the pocketbook?"
Mrs. Aging
"The pocketbook is behind the Daily forward. See you found it. I told my husband he should get me a Special. A Special always finds."
Nurse One
"Listen, will you farts shut up about pocketbooks. Mrs. Darwin try to make a fist."
Mrs. Aging
"The top teeth now, nurse darling angel."
Narrator: VISIONS OF THE COP FROM THE SIXTH PRECINCT OFF DUTY. ILL. AND BEING PREPARED FOR A BARIUM ENEMA WHILE UNDERGOING GASTRIC DISTRESS IN A FAR CORNER OF THE WARD AT SAINT TITTY'S WEST.
Nurse One
"Christmas or not Christmas. Why is everybody so spaced?"
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse please help me. I'm sorry I argued with you. Miss Head Nurse, after forty-eight years my husband can't anymore. Miss Head Nurse, tell them -"
Nurse Two
"I'm not getting a pulse on Nettie. I'm not getting nothing. Don't they have anyone else on the floor?"
Mrs. Aging
"Please, I didn't commit a crime. My husband went home. Nurse? Head Nurse? Supervisor! Police! Dentist!"
Nurse One
"It's just not happening. Maybe a tracheotomy? Look in the can. Maybe there's some intern gobbling a little holiday cheer?"
Mrs. Aging
"Angel darling nurse. I think I can put the top part in if you hand me it from the apple juice - "
Nurse Two
"Can't someone shut her up about the teeth? Look, there was one in the can. Just a sleepy fourth year student, but he's sober."
Nurse One
"I looked there. I was the one that found him."
Nurse Two
"He wants her on a monitor for the night and we don't have an extra monitor."
Nurse One
"So we move 25 to 26. She's better today. She tanked up at the Christmas Party on that cranberry piss plop punch and it stayed down and she's off her IV. She'll be all right. She was really with it this afternoon."
Mrs. Aging
"Please nurse, can I have my - "
Nurse Two
"Someone shut up the tooth lady. We're busy here."
Kibitzer
(wearing patient's gown and bathrobe and obvious female wig)
"What can I do for you?"
Mrs. Aging
"Who are you?"
Kibitzer
"I'm here to help you put in your teeth but I don't know how."
Mrs. Aging
"So here, thank God, is Angel Darling. Raise me angel darling. Raise the bed. I have to sit up to get them in. Raise, nurse. Higher, nurse. Higher, higher, higher, higher, higher. Are you my Special?"
Kibitzer
"Mrs. Aging, the bed won't go higher. Where are the teeth?"
Mrs. Aging
"In the apple juice, like I said before. Eight percent interest. A mitzvah."
Kibitzer
"I see. So this is the upper and this is the lower. Which goes in first?"
Mrs. Aging
"First I drink a little of the apple juice."
Kibitzer
"That the teeth were in, Mrs. Aging?"
Mrs. Aging
"Yes, Angel darling from Heaven. With a little chipped ice please."
Kibitzer
"Mrs. Aging, the kitchen is closed."
Mrs. Aging
"So Angel Darling maybe someone has the key. Blue Cross is paying."
Nurse One
"Shut that old ass up. I'm not getting a pressure on Nettie at all."
Kibitzer
"How do they go in? I never did this before."
Mrs. Aging
"Find the bottom, Angel Nurse Darling. Hold this while I put in the bottom."
Kibitzer
"Maybe we could get a vein in her thigh. If the IV isn't going in she's not going to make it."
Mrs. Aging
"The top now, nurse angel darling."
Kibitzer
"Smile Mrs. Aging. Smile as hard as you can. I see. It's even harder to get the top one in."
Mrs. Aging
"More apple juice. Help! Call a dentist. They always went in before."
Kibitzer
"Mrs. Aging smile wider. Take another sip of apple juice. It'll go in if you relax."
Nurse One
"Listen, why are you bothering with the old fart. She doesn't even need the teeth till morning?"
Kibitzer
"See she has a certain self image and probably a little hardening of the arteries of the brain and she's too anxious to sleep unless she feels her prettiest. It'll only be another minute. Smile wider Mrs. Aging - smile."
Nurse Two
"Son of a mother fucker's bastards cock, the monitor shorted out. I can't tell a thing except for pressure. Keep slapping her till I get one off another floor."
Nurse One
"Nettle - how are you - Nettie - do you feel the needle?"
Nurse Two
"We've got some eight hour knock out drops for Mrs. Aging. Make her take it. Shut up. Shut up tooth lady."
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse - what shall I do about the teeth. Nurse Angel darling doesn't have the top in yet. Almost."
Nurse One
"Shut up and go to sleep, fart head. She ain't no nurse. She's Goody Goodshoes. She just can't listen to you screeching."
Kibitzer
(gently)
"Mrs. Aging, you can't make your mouth wide enough. The thing to do is leave the lower and the upper go till the morning. Take a sleeping pill like the nurse says. Suddenly it'll be morning and the top will fit."
Mrs. Aging
"A sleeping pill?. I need a dentist. Please call a dentist. He should give me back the seal coat that I sold. Even my Special is telling me now to take a sleeping pill."
Nurse Two
"She's not your Special nurse, Mrs. Aging. She's a dumb do-good cardiac who doesn't know how to take care of herself."
Nurse One
"I'm not getting a pulse. Why did we move Nettie Darwin to a monitor if the monitor's not working?"
Nurse Two
"Rewire the monitor. Merry Christmas to all."
Mrs. Aging
"It's in. It's in. The top is in. Darling Angel Nurse what is your need? Your desire? I'll tell my husband to bring you stationary tomorrow."
Narrator (kibitze): VISIONS OF THE VISION OF THE VISIONARY STUDENT SHRINK TEAM WHO ATTEMPT TO ASSIST Nettie
THE PREGNANT DIVORCED YOUNG WIDOW OF CHARLES DARWIN AFTER HER ATTEMPT TO GET HIGH AND OR TAKE HER OWN LIFE ON TUINALS, SECONAL, GOOFBALLS, SIX IN ONES, UPS, DoWNS, IN AND OUTS, AND SOME OF THAT LEFTOVER OLD SUNSHINE ACID FROM 1969.
Nurse One
(pointing to Kibitzer dressed as female patient)
"We told you she's not a nurse. That was a convalescent cardiac patient trying to help you get your teeth in though you don't need them till morning. Florence F. Nightingshit is her name."
Mrs. Aging
"What happened to the angel darling nurse who gave me the apple juice and got my teeth in? Nurse - I have to make pee pee. Where's my Special nurse? Blue Cross is paying."
Nurse One
"Tell the old fart to call the dumb cardiac. If she can help her into her teeth she can get her the bedpan."
(Kibitzer falls to floor unconscious)
Nurse Two
"The cardiac passed out. Try some nitro. No not on farthead. On the cardiac, asshole."
Nurse One
"But what's going on with Nettie?"
Nurse Two
"Nothing's going on with Nettie.
Nurse One
"Don't we have a resusication crew? Deck the halls with heights of folly tra la la la - she's not responding."
Nurse Two
"What's going on with the cardiac?"
Nurse One
"She think's she's one of those Christs of Yipsilante. She'll be O. K."
Nurse Two
"Her nitro's not working."
(bending over unconscious Kibitzer)
Nurse One
"So give her a second nitro. It's not like Bourbon."
Nurse Two
"Why doesn't she say anything?"
Nurse One
"What's to say. It's late. It's the night before Christmas and it's late."
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse, the teeth are in but I have to pee."
Nurse One
"So pee in the prime of your life. Pee all you want. It's warm in here. Nettie'll start smelling before your piss does.'
Mrs. Aging
"Isn't there a bedpan? Help me God. I always paid the rent."
Nurse Two
"We kept you alive, Nettie. My legs are so swelled I can't stand up. Why'd you take all the pills?"
Nettie
"To wish you a merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."
Nurse Two
"Listen. Be quiet. This is a hospital."
Nettie
"You shiteating tax-paying Valedictorians, you!"
Nurse One
"Hey. Nettie's alive! Listen, is it always this cold in here?"
Nurse Two
"High school graduate. Tuinal, seconal, everything. You enjoyed yourself last night. You like to wet the bed?"
Nettie
"Don't you?"
Nurse One
"Don't be fresh, Nettie."
Nettie
"I looked for the bedpan but I was stoned. Also I was a stone."
Nurse Two
"That's true. But we worked hard over you. Even when we thought you were dead."
Nettie
"I was just stoned. Just six or eight or eleven to get stoned..
Nurse One
"Listen kiddo, they'll send you to Grease Pavillion if you do it again."
Nettie
"What's Grease Pavillion?"
Nurse Two
"The Rehabilitation Center for Chronically Emotionally Disturbed Illegal Criminals."
Nettie
"I'm not a nut, I'm a high school graduate. Washington Irving Yi Yi Yi, a Washington Irving girl am I."
Kibitzer
(jumping up)
"Mrs. Darwin, we're your Doctors. Take these pills often?"
Nettie
"First time."
Kibitzer
"Do you have a boy friend? Your chart says you're divorced."
Nettie
"Do you have a boy friend, Doctor?"
Kibitzer
"Don't be fresh, Mrs. Darwin."
Nettie
"I'm not being fresh. It's a natural question. Don't you read the Village Voice?"
Kibitzer
"Did you used to have a boy friend? After your divorce. Do you live with your family? Anything upset up there? Did you have a fight with the family?"
Nettie
"I love my mother and I 1ove my father and I love my kids and I love my exhusband and I love Stevie Wonder."
Kibitzer
"Your family's going to come up. They want to help. They want to help. There's also a young man, Aloysha James or something."
Nettie
"Then tell them to do the dishes."
Kibitzer
"O. K. We'll tell the family not to come up yet. See we'll send a Doctor to see you. To talk about your problems."
Nettie
"I don't talk to no Doctors. I only talk to strangers. I'll talk to any stranger."
Nurse One
"O.K. Nettie. Get some sleep. That was a lot of pills baby. You were blue."
Nettie
"I'm always blue. I'm a high school graduate."
Nurse One
"O.K. Turn over slowly. Can you turn?"
Nettie
"Nobody brought me no food! I want ice cream. I want a cigarette. I want six thousand and seventy-three dollars and twelve cents."
Nurse Two
"Listen to Nettie. Instead of the morgue she'll be having Christmas dinner and it'll probably stay down by New Years. Where's the catheter. No, not that one asshole. The short one."
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse darling angel, I have to make pee pee?"
Nurse One
"Nettle made it! Maybe we could put some tinsel on her IV. Ever try chestnut stuffing through a vein, kid?"
Nettie
"Don't laugh at me. I'm a high school graduate."
Nurse Two
"Listen Mrs. Darwin, we're not laughing. Look at my left leg. It's called elephantiasis House Arthritis. They make me work Christmas Eve and then take the N train home. I take the tylenol express to Caton Avenue and then two buses. I'm not laughing."
Nurse One
"Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way."
Kibitzer
"Would someone turn off the shit licking radio station? Why doesn't everyone go to Mass so we could get a coffee break?"
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse angel beauty darling, please reinsert my upper teeth. They're in the apple juice. You promised me they'd go."
Nurse One
"Mrs. Aging it's not morning yet. You could still have your sleeping pill. It's still dark."
Mrs. Aging
"So could I make pee pee even though it's not morning?"
Nurse Two
"Who am I to stop you from pee pee. Am I God?"
Mrs. Aging
"But I need the pan or you'll scold me."
Nurse Two
"You need the pan? It drips anyhow. I have to change you in an hour anyway. The whole world is your bed pan Mrs. Aging."
Mrs. Aging
"Where's Nurse Darling Sweetheart Angel? You're not Nurse Darling Sweetheart Angel. You sound different. Apple juice. I need apple juice. So my teeth go in straighter.
Nurse One
"Christ I didn't sit down all night.
Nurse Two
"Everything on me hurts more than everything on them."
Nurse One
"Shut up Pippy. We're staff. We're supposed to hurt."
Nurse Two
"So I was just making out the papers for the chart. Then I heard little Florence Nightingshit calling us to put in Mrs. Aging's teeth."
Kibitzer
"550 cc of - "
Nurse One
"50 cc of - "
Nurse Two
"12 cc of - "
Kibitzer
"Do have to hurry?"
Nurse One
"Do we ever not have to hurry?"
Nurse Two
"Listen, where did Mrs. Darwin get all those downs?"
Nurse One
"Are you kidding? Been in Washington Square Park lately?"
Nurse One
"The Lord helps him who helps - did anyone call a priest?"
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse, please call a dentist."
Nurse One
"I will mother fucker."
Nurse Two
"Listen, Doctor, we're trying to get into the same vein. I'll switch to the other thigh. This isn't sex, this is nursing care and every minute counts."
Mrs. Aging
"Please darling. It's getting late. I could get my teeth straightened a little on top?"
Nurse One
Yes Doctor.
"Mrs. Nettie Darwin, Washington Irving High School. Graduate. Ten or twelve seconals. A lot of tuinal. Some valium. Some of that sunshine acid that hasn't been around since 1969. A little pizza, I'm not sure extra cheese. Give me a cigarette mother fucker. Excuse me Doctor, I was talking to the Nurse's Aide.
Kibitzer
(from the floor where he is lying)
"What nurse's aide?"
Nurse One
"The one we're supposed to have."
Nurse Two
"Mrs. Darwin, a social worker is coming to see you.
Nettie
"I don't need no social workers. I'm a graduate of Washington Irving High School."
Kibitzer
"Here's a little something for Christmas from the Sisters."
Nettie
"Thank you Sister. Ever made it with a Father, Sister?"
Mrs. Aging
"I have to make eh eh."
Nurse One
"Who said that? Was that the sister?"
Nurse Two
"No, the Sister split. Mrs. Aging's starting up again."
Nurse One
"Mrs. Aging, you just made pee pee.'
Mrs. Aging
"Eh eh is different from pee pee."
Nurse One
"We know Mrs. Aging, we know."
Nurse Two
"Did anyone get a chart back on the little cardiac who got Mrs. Aging's upper teeth in last night. The skinny one? Mrs. Aging called her Nurse Angel Darling. She was mumbling about self image in the elderly while we were trying to get some pressure back on Mrs. Darwin."
Nurse One
"They moved her back to Intensive Scare Unit 9. Someone said she got transferred to stack 792 in the Jefferson Market Library but someone else says she's still on the monitor guzzling oxygen."
Nurse Two
"Shall we share her stuff or will they want it all saved for the relatives?"
Nurse One
"Her kids are coming to have Christmas dinner. We'd better leave it or they'll request it."
Nettie
"The pain starts dull, then sharper as it goes through the left side. Someone, give me something? Ma, give me something."
Kibitzer
"My leg."
Mrs. Aging
"My teeth."
Kibitzer
"Just above my bladder."
Mrs. Aging
"Apple juice with a little ice please."
Nurse One
"Here's another gift from the - "
Nurse Two
"Santa Claus is coming to - "
Nurse One
"Here Mrs. Aging. Doctor's orders. One little swallow and you can rest. And just think, your teeth are in. My you look pretty."
* * * *
Nurse Two
"Boy, isn't it nice when it's quiet for a minute? You can hear Christmas."
Nurse One
"You working tomorrow?"
Nurse Two
"No. I got off. We got tickets."
Nurse One
"Tickets to what?"
Nurse Two
"Who knows. I leave that stuff to him. He takes me then for Chicken in a Basket."
Nurse One
"Where's the clean gowns. Who wants - listen - please help me turn Mrs. Vampire."
Nurse Two
"Who's Mrs. Vampire?"
Nurse One
"Stroke case. You want suction? Give me the finger if you want suction. Vampire honey. She's really sweet."
Nurse Two
"Then we can give them their sleeping pills and get some coffee."
Kibitzer
"Apple juice!"
Mrs. Aging
"The teeth! The teeth! Where's Nurse Darling Angel Sweet heart. The upper isn't straight enough. Where's my Special?"
Nurse One
"She's not a nurse. She's back in Intensive Scare on a monitor. You can see her heart beating on Channel 13."
Mrs. Aging
"Could I pee pee now?"
Nurse One
"Sweetheart you can pee pee whenever you want. None of my business."
Nurse Two
"How come Nettie's alive. She wasn't making it. My leg was just so swore I didn't have the energy to put the sheet over her face or write her up."
Mrs. Aging
"Nurse. Teeth. Pee pee. Eight and one half percent for anyone who brings me the bed pan."
Nurse One
"What is the matter? Mrs. Aging, would you like a little warm flea bath lotion or some Cologne up your ass?"
Nurse Two
"Merry Christmas. We shall gather at the River. The beautiful beautiful river - and a Happy New Year."
LATER
Mr. Aging
"Nurse, why does my wife always sleep during visiting hours?"
Nurse Two
"Frankly, Mr. Aging, it's because she's tired. She stays up all night."
Mr. Aging
"I brought her a little Kugel for her digestion. Should I wake her?"
Nurse 2
"Let her sleep a while - tell you the truth, Mr. Aging, she really carried on last night. She must think a lot of you because she wanted to look her best for your visit."
Mr. Aging
"I change twice, once at Times Square and take the shuttle. After the shuttle I walk east on 14th Street and then I have coffee because sometimes it's too early for visiting hours. The neighbor made the Kugel."
Nurse 2
"Yes, Mr. Aging, she'll be fine. These things take time to heal."
Mr. Aging
"The neighbor said I could have the Kugel myself or I could eat half the Kugel and bring her half or I could bring her all. I don't feel good."
Nurse 2
"Yes, Mr. Aging, it must be hard for you."
Mr. Aging
"Should I have left some of the Kugel home? But I don't feel good. The coffee don't go down good anymore."
Nurse 2
"Yes, Mr. Aging - it's hard to find a good cup of coffee nowadays."
LATER
Nurse 1
"Visiting hours over. People please. - Visiting hours over. - It's almost medication time. - Okay folks, visiting hours over."
A Few Minutes Later
Nurse 2
"So who wants to help me suction - "
Nurse 1
"Hey, Mr. Aging, I told you visiting hours were over. This is a hospital, it's not a movie where people just sit here all day. We're sorry your wife slept through the visiting hours, but - Listen, the old man won't budge. Call Station and say we need an orderly. I've only got two hands. Okay, Mr. Aging, you can come back tomorrow between 2 and 8 and don't worry about - Jesus, somebody call a Doctor, he's gone.
Nurse 2
"What do you mean he's gone?"
Nurse 1
"He stopped sister. He's been sitting here and he must have just plain stopped. The old man was sitting in the armchair - I'd say it was at least twenty minutes ago."
Nurse 1
"Can't anyone try anything, Doctor?"
Doctor
"Sure. Send him right up. Try anything. But it's over. At least twenty minutes ago. He didn't make any sound?"
Nurse 2
"He never made any sound."
Doctor
"Who's the nearest relative I can notify?"
Nurse 1
"Jesus, his wife Mrs. Aging. She's starting to wake up."
Doctor
"Well, get him upstairs quick. He'll be D.O.A. but they should have a try anyhow. I'll come back and tell her later. Does he have an address book on him?"
Nurse 1
"Morris Aging, 74, 606 Rivington Street. In case of emergency inform son Chaim Buchenwald. One six Million.
Morning
Kibitzer (as Social Worker)
"Nettle, how long were you married?"
Nettie
"Social Worker? When can I have cherry vanilla ice cream and a Marlborough?"
Kibitzer
"Nettle, are you depressed?"
Nettie
"Social Worker do you have a cigarette?"
Kibitzer
"Nettle, what religion are you?"
Nettie
"Born Camels, converted to Marlboroughs."
Kibitzer
"Nettle, weren't you happy at home?"
Nettie
"Social Worker, when did you have your last bowel movement?"
Kibitzer
"Nettle, do you want the chair with the restraints, or the bed with the bars?"
Nettie
"Social Worker, do you want a slice of regular or a slice of Sicilian with sausage?"
Kibitzer
"Nettle, what size slippers do you wear?"
Nettie
"Social Worker, 71/2, 121/2, 171/2, 111/2, 281/2. The usual. Three of each kind.'`
Kibitzer
"Nettle, what is the real meaning of the proverb, "a stitch in time saves nine?"
Nettie
"Social Worker, if you had a big neddle but the thread was too thin to keep the buttons on your coat, what would you do?"
Nurse One
"Deck the gallstones, clots of plasma, tra la la la la - la la la la la.