For many years Colette had a dream: get out of her marriage and experience all the things she'd missed. These weren't blatant hedonistic urges that she felt--she didn't strive for parties and orgies. She wanted to know freedom, peace of mind, aloneness, the knowledge that she could plot her course and stumble along at the pace she chose. She wasn't seeking Utopia but life.

      She felt so stifled in her marriage. She felt that she just gave and gave till she could do so no more. She lived for her husband, the well-being of her family, her children, the relatives, the parents, the in-laws. But she neglected one aspect of her marriage--herself.

      She felt so denied, so oppressed, so unfulfilled. This was no way to live and she finally faced that conclusion. It took her twenty years to face that reality but finally, she was able to.

      She insisted on a separation. She vowed that it would occur before her twentieth wedding anniversary. It did. She left the house having voiced her demand. When she returned, some time later, the deed was done.

      Her sense of relief was immense; he was gone, the house was empty. He wasn't going to live there anymore. The marriage was finally (finally!) over--at last! Colette knew peace at this moment. It surged over her like a warm spring breeze. She reveled in it. It was good. It was right.

      She could now pursue her dream. It was in reach. It wasn't something just for others. She was going to experience life; all the joys, all the tears, all the excitement, all the sorrows. Her days of being strait-jacketed were over. She knew what dullness and emptiness felt like (her married years were full of those emotions). She wanted to feel alive; to enjoy, to taste, to experience. Her chance was coming.

      But there were still details that had to be addressed. There were still lots of things to sort out. There were legal matters to deal with. There were family members to inform. The divorce had to be processed; it had to be legally put in order. Paperwork had to be filled out, fees had to be paid, decisions had to be made, agreements between separating parties had to be reached. And all these things took time. The dream may have been near but it still had to wait a little longer. But it would wait. These things would get done and then the wait would be over.

      It took a full year but at last--in June 1994--the divorce was final. The pages were signed and notarized. A legal union was officially dissolved. The splitting apart of all aspects of twenty years as a couple was decided and approved. The Dream was finally in sight; it could almost be grabbed.

      But more obstacles appeared. Though the divorce was actual and real it was being ignored. Was it real? Was it just a fancy piece of paper? It didn't seem to be prompting the result which Colette expected. The ex-husband still wandered into the house whenever he wished. He still appeared at birthday parties and other family gatherings. He was not gone like he should have been. He didn't seem to want to act divorced. In fact he seemed to be acting as if this divorce stuff never occurred. Colette felt as if she went to all this trouble to legally, correctly, appropriately terminate her marriage and nobody accepted it; nobody listened. It was being ignored! Colette's will and wishes were not being recognized. She began to feel a slow sucking-back sensation. It seemed she was being pulled back down the hill which she had so tirelessly struggled up. How could this be happening? What about Colette's dream?

      "This isn't right," Colette exclaimed. "I've come so far! I can't go back!"

      The dream seemed to be slipping from her. It no longer seemed within reach like it had been.

      Would it ever be?

      A couple of months after the divorce was final Colette received a call from a woman friend. She wanted to "fix Colette up" on a blind date. A "guy" friend had two tickets to a play that weekend. He was looking for a date.

      "He's really a nice guy," she assured. "C'mon! What have you got to lose? It'll be good for you. It's just one date."

      "Oh--I don't know."

      "Go ahead. You'll like him."

      "Oh... alright. I suppose one date with a man won't kill me. But I've spent twenty years with a man and that's enough. One date...that's it!"

      The next night Colette met David.

      There was a fair amount of awkwardness that evening. David was startled that Colette so closely resembled his last girlfriend--who he had just gotten over. He felt uncomfortable looking at her.

      But they had arranged to be on this date with another couple so Colette had two other people to talk to. And though the accompanying couple were friends of David's, they found lots of common ground with Colette. The couple and Colette chatted easily all evening. Very little talk was between David and Col. But that was OK. There were no dreaded, long periods of uncomfortable silence. David and Col weren't alone. Good thing. Soon the end of the date arrived. David said "good night" and politely asked her if she'd like to go out again, "sometime".

      "Sure" she replied.

      "OK. I'll call you. Goodnight."

      David walked away, hands in pockets. There was no "goodnight kiss".

      In the middle of the next week David called her. They talked for a while. They began down the road to being friends.

      Colette's dream came back into focus. She was finally getting close to it. She was ready to grab it. She was closer than ever before. But a man in her life wouldn't work. It couldn't fit. But she found herself liking him. What was happening?

      She seemed to be abandoning her long sought-after course. Her new friend was generating feelings in her. Closeness and affection were developing between them. Was this a twist on the dream or was it part of the dream's fulfillment? She didn't know. It wasn't what she thought she wanted. But it was something which was stirring up long dormant feelings. It was exciting.

      Step by step Colette and David advanced in their relationship. David had to stop seeing her as a distorted vision of his former girlfriend. And soon he did. Colette had to deal with her beliefs that she had no right to have a normal relationship (never mind enjoy it). And step by step she did.

      At first she kept the relationship a secret. Then she told a few friends. But it couldn't be normal and open. David couldn't come to her house. She had to meet him; at the theater, at the restaurant, at the pre-decided parking lot. She could drop by his house after work (since the school where she taught fifth grade was just a short distance away). But he couldn't pierce the bubble which she had established around her life. At least not at first.

      She couldn't have a relationship in the open. Goodness no. What would everybody think? Colette and another man? No way! What would the neighbors say? How would the kids react? How would the parents react? How would the ex-husband react?

      ...Too many questions; too many complications. She couldn't handle them all. But she did know that she felt nice when she was with him. She felt special. She felt good.

      If this was her dream it was sure different than what she imagined. If it wasn't...well...the dream now seemed less vital. It could be set aside; it could wait. For now she was happy.

      Slowly, as the weeks went by, the secret happiness began to evolve into open, freely expressed happiness. She soon began to accept that David could enter her previously restricted territory. The process took time. She tread carefully.

      First, she let him pick her up at her house (the kids weren't there). Then she actually invited him to spend a Friday evening to join her and watch a rented video (it was DR Zhivago). Still no kids. But she did tell her mother about this event the following day. Her mother then asked, "did he stay the night?" Colette was startled that her mother would consider the possibility of such an option. But It showed her that the family was prepared for this. And soon she decided to let him meet her kids; shortly thereafter she introduced him to the whole family.

      The sky didn't fall. Everybody accepted this development in Colette's life. Yes she had a right to have a friend; a man friend. Even after twenty years of marriage she had a right to be seen in public with another man. It was OK. And Colette soon accepted that it was OK.

      Colette was growing. Colette was experiencing life. But was this her dream? Was this a detour? Yes she was happy but she didn't want to abandon her dream. Seeds of doubt were planted deep in Colette's subconscience. They were small but they were still there.

      Colette liked to listen to Dwight's songs. They'd make her cry. They reminded her...

      These songs were written to Nancy, her best friend. Dwight and Nancy had recently broken-up; they'd been together for seven years. Dwight's songs said good bye to Nancy. Good bye. Good luck. The songs were about roads; roads to growth, roads of life, roads that Nancy had to explore. Colette cried while listening. David didn't understand.

      Nancy had ended the relationship. Dwight seemed to understand her urge, her needs. His songs wished her well on her journey. His voice cracked while he sang. Colette cried.

      The seeds were germinating in Colette's heart. She thought they would stay on a shelf, out of the way, not messing things up. And for a while they did. But soon the seeds got too big to ignore.

      She thought she loved David but she loved the theme of those songs; they were her dream. She couldn't forget that--it hadn't been yet fulfilled. It'd been only put into storage.

      As the months went by the barriers continued to fall. The ex-husband was outraged that Colette would bring another man into their house. But facing his disapproval with confidence she informed him that she'd every right to invite whomever she wished into "her" house. And she had every right (now that we were on the subject) to also set some restrictions on his visiting habits. He got the message.

      Soon David was a regular visitor. He and Col did yard work together at her house; he mowed, she raked. They trimmed a big overgrown bush together; he pruned and she gathered up the fallen branches. They put up a long stored, multi-dwelling bird house onto a, till then, unused pole. Colette could see the birds, who soon moved in, from her bedroom window. She liked the view.

      Barriers fell like dominoes that summer. One by one they fell. Colette and David soon could behave like any normal couple. But those seeds were still growing, those roads were waiting; the dream was beckoning. What to do?

      More than once, Colette announced that she wanted to go a period of time without seeing David or talking to him. "This weekend I'm spending exclusively with my kids," she would announce. But then something would compel her to change her mind and she'd call David. He'd soon be there. One part of her was delighted but another part of her wished that she'd kept her pledge.

      Once she went away for the weekend with the girls. She vowed to not talk to him for that whole weekend. David didn't know why she'd make such a pledge. If she felt inclined to call him, he welcomed it. And it seemed that she always did. This occasion proved to be no exception.

      One day Colette visited David's house while he was at work. She sat at his messy kitchen table and cried as she wrote him a message. "I wish we had met in three years, instead of now." David read the note later that day and just concluded that she was having a bad day.

      And that seemed to explain matters. When they spoke on the phone later that evening all seemed fine. Whatever had caused her to be upset was now, apparently worked out. But things weren't that simple to explain.

      David and she continued to share wonderful times together; a weekend trip to Falmouth, biking along the ocean, a Gala formal Ball, walks through the woods, walks all around her town, attending church together, family gatherings etc. etc. But the seeds still didn't go away. They kept surfacing.

      At first they only appeared sneakily, subtly, infrequently. But now they were popping into view more often. On Thanksgiving Day they got so unwieldy that she realized they couldn't be ignored. She wanted David to spend the day with her and her family. David proposed a compromise: he'd spend the morning with her and her family and then he'd leave and spend the afternoon with his parents. She agreed but hoped he'd join her when he could. Late afternoon she called him; he'd just gotten home. She invited him to be with her. But he was tired and declined. She slept badly that night. The seeds kept her awake.

      The dream was showing itself. It was still something that she longed for. She couldn't forget it. But David was blocking it. It couldn't be had with him. They couldn't do this together. She couldn't have both.

      He didn't know it, nor did he mean to, but David was preventing Colette from reaching for the stars. And the thing which she sought with such fervor was unfathomable to him. She stayed with him for a short time longer. She didn't want to hurt him. Yet she knew this couldn't go on. Then Ed died.

      Ed was Colette's principal and had been for twenty years. She had had him as a boss for virtually all of her working career. He was a strong guiding figure in her life. He represented strength to her. He always advised Colette to have faith in herself. Now he was gone after a lengthy, courageous battle with cancer. His passing gave Colette the final push. She couldn't go on being someone that she wasn't. In death, Ed counseled Colette to live.

      Live, Colette. LIVE!

      She decided to tell David, that week, the relationship had to end. She dragged her feet for five days, endured a brutal, unending headache but finally she did it.

      She was sad at first. She knew David was surprised and hurt upon being told. She didn't want to cause him pain but she also couldn't forget her dream. She had to have her shot at it. Life was too short to forego it.

      A short period of fear and nervousness enveloped Colette. But as the days passed she became more and more convinced that she had done the right thing. Soon she was brimming with feelings of calm reassurance. She had done what she had to do. She was back on track; back to where she was meant to be.

      The road was now open to her. She stepped forward and touched her dream. She liked the way it felt.

Dave Varg          

written mid February 1996

The Inspiration for this poem.

Her written reaction to it is below:

Next Poem The Homeless Jar