new poem number 1.
New Year's Wish
written (1-3-01)
When the new year rang in in 2001, my poetic urges got stirred. I didn't write any for the entire year 2000. This poem introduced my urge to process my past and not hide from it. The poems written after this one continued this effort in soul searching and peace seeking. I think so many people just hide from their past; just zoom ahead. The New Years date inspired me to be aware that just looking ahead (ie. rushing through the new door) can cause unresolved feelings to fester and grow and become a wound. So, this awareness stirred this poem and the following ones are examples of my digging into my past, which this poem describes as valuable and necessary.
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new poem number 2.
Good Bye Col
written (1-7-01)
This poem describes my point of view altering from wishing for the end (when I could say good bye to her) to acceptance of what is. I let fate choose where I should go and how fast I should travel. I let the regret that hit me, due to my lax focus on her during the last portion of our time together, to run its course and have its say. I let the vividness of her in my heart be allowed to exist and find a home. The Beatles song Let It Be describes my feelings and my state.
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new poem number 3.
Re-finding Fremont
written (1-15-01)
The town where we shared so many wonderful moments became a place that I could no longer bear to visit. She ended up with someone else on my street so soon after letting me know that she wanted a little time away. So, I sold the house and moved to a new place. I couldn't feel anything positive for my former home town until after her death. Then I was so so aware that its sights were now pleasing to view. This had been forbidden from me for so long. Now it was reachable.
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new poem number 4.
My One Question
written (1-20-01)
This poem described my state of wishing for a final, settled state to get reached. I wrote it while feeling these urges. And I let them come in and have their say. But the following poem illustrates my point of view a short time afterwards. I returned to accepting and letting things progress as they are meant to and not just listening and wishing (hoping) for my urges to be granted.
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new poem number 5.
The Missing Bridge
written (1-27-01)
This poem responds to the preceeding one. There were urges, which I felt, to get all things figured out but I was given the awareness ie. the message that just focussing on what you haven't got is a shortsighted thing. Be aware and grateful for what you have gotten. And when you can grasp the many things which you've been blessed to receive, then you are in a nice state.
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new poem number 6.
Tell Me More
written (2-3-01)
Here is a poem where I expressed my regret. I let the feelings hit and fully have their say. I let the sadness felt because of my regret come in and speak to me. Regret shouldn't be hidden from. It should be faced and accepted. And when you let it run its course and have its say you can find peace. I could've appreciated her more when we were together. I wish I had. The stuff that had grabbed my attention all got tossed out. But you can't turn the clock back. You need to accept your behavior and make peace with it.
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new poem number 7.
Valentines Day 2001
written (written 2-14-01)
The Valentine's Day following her death stirred me. I recalled our one Valentine's Day together in 1995. She prepared a big bunch of hearts with personalized messages and stuck them all over my house. When I wrote this poem in 2001, I let the regret flow in. I wished I had appreciated her more on Valentine's Day '95 and throughout our time together. I just let the regret run its course, have its say and get settled rather than hiding from it.
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new poem number 8.
Things Change 2001
written (2-22-01)
My greyhound, Whitney passed on in mid February of 2001. She was a connection to the days which Col and I shared. Colette visited my house so often and enjoyed spending time with Whitney. So when Whitney died, it stirred in me deep reflection. A connection to the Col days was here no more. But we can appreciate the time (ie. the gifts) which we did receive, if we try. And reaching a state of appreciation is far nicer than just focussing on those things which we've lost. Ovid's words seems like such good advice.
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new poem number 9
At The Library
written (2-24-01)
This poem tells a story. I was reading Roy Campanella's biography at the library and I noticed that my sock had a hole in it. My first reaction was irritation, since these socks were new. But when Roy's story (which I was holding) spoke to me, I turned my reaction around. I had a sock with a hole. Roy Campanella, an all star major league baseball player, got in a car accident at age 38 and was then very disabled and confined to a wheelchair. My problem was pretty miniscule compared to his. So, instead of upsettedness coming in, I felt gratefulness appear. I can walk.
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new poem number 10
Daffodils 2001
written (3-29-01)
I wrote a poem called daffodils in March 1997. The words just came to me. It was as if it were spoken to me by God. Well, this one (Daffodils 2001) appeared in a similar way. I was captured by the sight of a bouquet of daffodils while I was at work. There was a Daffodil Sale taking place as a Cancer Awareness promotion at my workplace. Somebody had bought some and they were so glowing and beautiful. When I saw these beautiful flowers, they just triggered this poem to be written.
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new poem number 11.
Where Is Spring?
written (3-31-01)
A late winter (early spring) snow storm in 2001 reminded me of 1996. That year, the wintertime seemed to be never ending. There'd be a nice warm day then another snowstorm would hit. Well, it was a difficult time for me due to Colette's departure and I was so much wishing for spring to arrive both in my location and in my heart. I was so eager for the bland, empty feelings to go away and for rebirth to appear. The never ending winter seemed to prevent my wish. Well, this surprise storm (in 2001) reminded me of '96 but also reminded me that I was in a fine state as opposed to then.
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new poem number 12.
The Quarter 2001
written (4-26-01)
When I found a quarter on the ground in November of '96 it just stirred sadness. It reminded me of our many walks together (in '95) when I had, so many times, seen a coin on the ground and then picked it up. After our relationship ended, when I found a quarter, it just stirred regret and sadness. I then wrote the poem, The Quarter. Why didn't I focus more on her, I asked myself? Well, when I found a quarter in April of 2001, I realized my reaction had altered. I didn't feel regret as I had in '96. This was one trait where I concluded, now that I had acted fine. I made peace with it and let it stay with me. It wasn't a negative trait. It was a fine one. I behaved very reasonably on our walks, I now could feel. If the worst I did was bend down and pick up a penny, well that's pretty reasonable. I focussed on her during our walks together. But if a penny or any coin caught my eye, I'd pick it up.
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new poem number 13.
Boys II Dennis
written (5-5-01)
This poem tells a story about acceptance. I heard a song while sitting in the dental chair, which she loved. On this day, I heard the whole thing and I realized that this was the first time when I listened to it all. She loved this song and shared her feelings with me. I wished, then that I had listened to it better when we were a couple. So the song, I'll Make Love To You (Boys II Men) penetrated into my head and just played over and over that day and stirred regret in me. Well, I'm glad I didn't get into the mode to just push it away. I let it play over and over and have its say. I let it run its course. Then suddenly, I found that another tune was playing in my head; the theme from Dennis The Menace! The message of this poem then was accept and have faith that this too shall pass.
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new poem number 14.
Radishes
written (5-12-01)
This poem tells of a milestone taking place. For so long, when I was reminded of Colette (due to a sight or a smell), I just was hit with feelings of sadness and regret. On this day, though I was stirred to smile. The smells in the air as I drove past a farm on my way home from work, in May of 2001, reminded me of a day with Col when we were driving together (with her son Denny). We passed by a farm and the smells in the air (of manure) were impossible to ignore. The last line in the poem describes what happened next.
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new poem number 15.
The Grey Van
written (5-16-01)
This poem tells about how my reaction to seeing a van progressed and changed. For so long, seeing one stirred up that she was gone and triggered feelings of loss. Then she got a new car (in 1998) so, vans became less noticeable to me, because she didn't have one anymore. But after her death (11-24-2000), these vehicles started grabbing my attention again; but now my reaction was positive. Now I enjoyed seeing one. My reaction went from them (grey vans) stirring sadness, to them stirring reminders of her, which contained positive feelings. I started to enjoy seeing one now.
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new poem number 16.
The Finish Line
written (5-29-01)
This poem tell about how my point of view has expanded. It tells about how my perspective has grown and widened. For so long, I wished to get to the finish line and have everything settled. But I was tutored (by God) to accept ie. let things go where they're suppossed to go. The thing to hang on to, I've learned is not to wish for the finish line to be crossed but to have faith.
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new poem number 17.
My Rainbow Connection
written (6-1-01)
This poem seems to expand the theme of the preceeding one. Getting to the finish line or wishing for a sunny day isn't always the best path to be on. On this day, the weather was very stormy. My first reaction was that a stormy state is difficult and unpleasant. But then I saw the rainbow and I was in a state of sensation! It seemed to speak to me. The rainbow can't be created without just the right ingredients of clouds, wind and rain. So, sometimes irritating states in our life can be just the right prods (ingredients) to get us on a path which will stir up beauty and pleasure. In other words, a terrific state can require a stormy introduction. So, difficult states can be necessary in order to lead to a fulfilling one. I got a lesson ie. a sermon on this day and this poem describes it.
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new poem number 18.
Lost And Fuzzy
written (6-5-01)
This poem tells a story about a new state being touched ie. felt. The route to her house (26 miles away) was one I traveled so often, while we were a couple. It was one I knew well. It seemed that all the memories of the times that we shared would forever be so clear and vivid. And I just let the state of the memories process and go where they were meant to; instead of hiding from them. Well, on this day (when I traveled the route) I got off the wrong exit!!! So, the vividness of memories should just be accepted--don't hide from it. Today, I experienced the memory containing ie. having a fuzzy side. This was such a surprise!
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new poem number 19.
The Slap
written (6-08-01)
This poem describes an incident where I was delivered a signal to shut up. I was running on a path through the woods, which extended off of route 111a. It was a few weeks before she died. I was imagining a conversation with her during this run. My first reaction was to criticize her. But all of a sudden, I stubbed my toe and went flying through the air. I fell on the ground but didn't get injured. Well, I surmised that this was a message from God. Don't criticize her! She's near the end. If you criticize her, you'll be punished. So, I'm glad I got the message. Just following your current feelings can be an improper path. And sometimes we figure it out ourselves. And sometimes we get a clue from God.
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new poem number 20.
Thank You Colette
written (6-30-01)
The preceeding poem, which I wrote (The Slap--written 6-08-01) touched upon my feelings ie. urge to criticize her. Well, this one described how my feelings evolved 180 degrees and now, I sought to express to her the enormous happiness and gratitude which I now could feel when recollecting our time together.
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new poem number 21.
Headlines
written (7-15-01)
In so many areas, I felt regret after Col left me. I just figured that I had failed to appreciate her as much as I should have. Reading the paper was one of these. After her departure, when I read the paper, it just reminded me of the many times when I read the paper when I was with her. And then the current state would be clear--she's gone!!! Why did I spend so much time reading the paper, I asked myself? So, I stopped reading the paper for a long time. But as the years passed, I discovered the point of view that reading the paper had some worth. I could read a story about a crisis in someone's life and recognize that I wasn't facing this. So, feeling a sense of gratefulness because these events (which crossed the paths of the people in the news) weren't impacting me was a good angle to sense. There was value in examining news stories, I could now feel. I could feel appreciation that I hadn't been hit by a car or been shot.
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new poem number 22.
Period
written (7-22-01)
For so long, I felt enourmous regret whenever I recollected a generous gesture which I gave Teri (whom I dated for ten months--2 years before meeting Colette). If a reminder of a charitable act in the Teri era came my way, I was struck with the contrast to my giving gestures with Colette. Well, this poem describes me facing these feelings of regret and letting them have their say. Once again, I didn't hide from my feelings. I let them go where they were meant to go. And after a while a new angle came to me. Instead of feeling regret because I was so generous to Teri, I was able to sense that I was kind and caring towards her. And when you're good to someone you deserve credit. So, I discovered (and could feel) that my charitable behavior towards Teri was a proper way to act. And I actually could now give myself credit. I was good to Teri--period.
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new poem number 23.
If Only
written (7-27-01)
For so long, I wished to turn the clock back so I could adjust my behavior and have us stay together ie; work things out. Well, you can't change your past. And as time went on, I sensed a new awareness. What happened helped me to grow. The following quotation seems so filled with wisdom.
The diamond can not be polished without friction, nor the man perfected without trials. Chinese proverb
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new poem number 24.
Another Period
written (8-01-01)
The message in the poem Period was: don't just slide into a negative state. If you did good things then that's a good thing to realize. In this poem I described how, for so long, her (Colette's) gifts just reminded me of loss. Well, things have evolved so that I can feel the appreciation for having recieved these gifts, now. The ability to sense this was not there for such a long long time. Whenever I touched a loving gesture, which she gave to me, I just was taken to a sad, loss-filled state. Well, now I can refrain from going down this path. I can just stop and value the love expressed via the gift. So, now I can stop ie. add a period. I can enjoy the gift.
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new poem number 25.
The House
written (8-19-01)
When she ended our relationship (the last day of 1995) she got involved with someone else immediately and this person lived on my street. She had lived 26 miles away but she ended up, so soon with someone who lived on my road. I was so upset by this and I had to leave this town ie. sell my house. For four and a half years, I couldn't bear to even drive on this street or drive through this town. Well, she died in this house due to breast cancer on November 24, 2000. After this happened, I could drive through this town again. I could drive on my former street again. The house didn't jolt me like it had for so long. And one day, when I drove by, I realized that I passed it and it didn't even catch my attention. I had driven by it and hadn't even looked at it! What a shift this was---and it stirred this poem.
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new poem number 26.
We're All Fiddlers
written (8-30-01)
I remember seeing the show Fiddler On The Roof 30 years ago and I didn't relate to the folks in the story at all. Well, now I sense the turmoil which they faced. I feel the upheaval that they were forced to deal with. I sense the depth of this story. I sense the enourmous pain the people in the story had to deal with. Life can send you tumbling----we're all fiddlers on the roof.
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new poem number 27.
Drivin To The Drive-in
written (9-12-01)
One Sunday afternoon in mid September, I was motivated to visit a drive-in which we had gone to in the summer of '95. When I drove into the town, the memories were very bright and delightful. When I got to the drive-in, the memories were just wonderful and precious. I enjoyed every minute so much! It seemed that we were together again.
And after I enjoyed this setting for a while, another inspiration hit me. I felt compelled to travel a bit further down the road to see the town where I had seen My Fair Lady in early 2000. Seeing this show and enjoying it was a breakthrough. It had just triggered bad things, for so long. I was one of the stars in My Fair Lady in the summer of '95. Life was terrific then. Col and I were a happy couple. But the time which followed this (fall '95) was very frustrating. I was in another play (Charlotte's Web) and I was so displeased with my costume and how I was forced to appear. This play stirred me to a frustrated state and likely discourage Col as well. She then ended our relationship.
My Fair Lady had, then for so long just reminded me that the Col era was soon to end. Well, in early 2000, I was stirred to see it again and enjoy it. So, on this day (when I took the ride) I was compelled to revisit the town where My Fair Lady was seen again. So, I drove off to this town and enjoyed these sights and recollections.
So, the day stirred delight, both in seeing the drive-in which Col and I had visited and in seeing the place where My Fair Lady, (which I had found so irritating for so long) became a joy to watch.
The theme of this poem was, "let the memories have their say. Let them go where they're meant to go. And you'll reach a nice state."
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new poem number 28.
Enjoy The Joy
written (9-26-01)
All the sights which stirred her up, I just looked away from for such a long time. For so long, if she was stirred up, it just triggered loss and sadness. Well, following her death (Nov 24, 2000), I slowly found sights which we shared to be filled with pleasure. This was quite a milestone to reach. Now, I could see a sight which we two had shared and be filled with love and sense (in my heart) we were together again. Visiting a place which we saw (ie. touched) together now brought me delight. So, I visited this forest trail across the street from my former residence and I just enjoyed every minute that I walked on it. Our walk together on December 31, 1995 (our last day together) once just triggered the sense that the ending followed but now I found I could enjoy recollecting every moment which we shared on that day.
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new poem number 29.
It's Been A Year
written (10-15-01)
This poem got stirred after I happened to notice a newspaper page where a deceased person was honored and remembered. I realized that next month would mark the one year anniversary of Colette's death. So, seeing this page put the thought into my head to honor Colette. That night, I woke up four times with poem inspirations. Each one I then wrote down in the notebook beside my bed. Then the next day, I visited the sight where we spent our final time together; the spot where we watched the fireworks as 1996 arrived. I put the poem together while sitting in front of this spot. I then was compelled to get it published in the Manchester Union Leader on the day marking the one year anniversary of her death (Nov 24, 2001). So, she was honored by me with this poem on the one year anniversary of her death.
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new poem number 30.
My Towers
written (10-23-01)
The September 11th crisis certainly was big news. But I felt that the crisis in my life (ie. her "moving on") was far more impacting. It certainly didn't make front page news or cost any lives to be lost but it certainly jolted me. But as the years passed, I was able to sense the bright side in the ordeal. It caused me to grow a lot; to travel on a road which I wouldn't have gotten on if any part of the story was different. To return to the rainbow metaphor: you won't see the rainbow unless every negative weather ingredient is just right.
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new poem number 31.
This Year 2001
written (11-16-01)
This poem tells of the joy I could now feel when visiting a sight which we shared. For so long I couldn't feel anything pleasing when I saw a sight which we shared. So, the transformation evolved from me ignoring these sights (ie. looking the other way) to relishing the experience of visiting them. I took so many trips in 2001 with the destination being a place where Col and I had gone together. I found each visit so moving and meaningful. But one place which I sought all through 2001 was to visit her grave. It wasn't placed till the one year anniversary of her death (Nov 24, 2001).
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new poem number 32.
Here's Lookin' At You
written (11-27-01)
While visiting her grave, I felt such closeness to her. We were apart for so long. But on this day we were together. This poem just came to me shortly thereafter.
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new poem number 33.
The Twinkling Of A Star
written (11-27-01)
I just found this song one day (The Keeper Of The Stars) and the tune inspired me to change the lyrics to The Twink'ling Of A Star. Her smiling face could be sensed from seeing a twinkling star.
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new poem number 34.
Juicy Memories 2001
written (12-26-01)
I wrote a poem in early '97 called Juicy Memories. This was stirred from seeing the frozen can of juice which she had delivered to my freezer; she was always bringing food and beverages to my house. This can was, then a bridge to her. All the rest of the food she had brought was eaten and gone but this can of frozen juice never got mixed and prepared. When I moved from the house where we had shared so much, I took it with me. It then sat in my freezer in my new apartment. But then I moved to another apartment and I tossed it out. Col and I had reconnected in mid '97 and I would've loved to prepare this juice and let it serve as a toast to our friendship (this thought was described in the poem Juicy Memories). She had parted from the guy who she had been with. We saw each other a few times in mid '97. But in late July ('97) she went back to him. So, when I moved in early '99, I didn't see any value in saving it. But after I visited her grave, this thought hit me. If I still had the juice, I'd mix it and pour it in front of her marker as a special gesture ie. a toast to us.
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new poem number 36.
Ten PM 2002
written (1-3-02)
When I wrote the poem Ten PM in December 1996, ten pm was a difficult time. It always just reminded me that Col would call and we'd chat and share our day. But in December (96) there were no calls from her. This poem (Ten PM 2002) was stirred when I was made aware that I had forgotten how jolting ten pm had once been. It (Ten PM) hadn't impacted me for a long time. The awareness of how jolting it once had been but now wasn't, stirred in me a state of gratefulness. You get through difficult times! This discovery inspired this poem.
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new poem number 37.
Sometimes Don't Add A Period
written (1-25-02)
This poem described my widened awareness. Sometimes adding a period was a good thing. When I recollected I was good to Teri, I found value in my behavior, instead of moving on and contrasting it with the Col era. But sometimes moving on (not adding a period) was a good path to travel on. The era following Col's departure led to a lot of positive features. I got active in the church. I got back into running. I developed a lovely friendship with my neighbor, Jocelyn. The year following Col's departure was so distressing but the era which then followed brought a lot of positive things. So, that period (when remembered) brought nice feelings when it was recollected.
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new poem number 38.
Other Memories
written (2-8-02)
This poem tells a story of a milestone reached. One day, I took a ride to see a sight where (in 1998) I had met my neighbor Jos for lunch. She was attending a conference and she asked me if I'd like to drive out there and meet her and share the dinner break with her. I did and we spent an hour together. So, on this day (in 2002--4 years later) I drove and revisited this spot and just enjoyed the memories which these sights stirred up. Everywhere I looked on this trip just reminded me of that day with Jos. Well a week later I suddenly remembered that that location (ie. neighborhood) was one where Col and I had visited in '95 and I had forgotten it (till this day).
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new poem number 39.
It'll Be OK
written (2-19-02)
When my greyhound Bam Bam hears a train, she gets very nervous. She thinks (apparently) that the noise means that the train is near and might hit her. Well, I know that there is no danger close by so, I comfort and reassure her. Well, one day I sensed that this was a good lesson for me. Loud noises (or feelings) don't mean that danger is pending even though it may seem that it is. It may stir these fears to be felt but you can remind yourself that it's just noise. And like the train rumbling through, this too shall pass.
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new poem number 40.
A Good Memory
written (2-25-02)
For so long, when she was sparked (via a memory) I just felt that I hadn't appreciated her as much as I could have ie. should have. Hence, the memory stirred by the sight then just triggered guilt. Well, one day I was walking on a wooded trail that was located next to a river. At one spot along this trek, I looked over at the river and it looked exactly like the Cape Cod Canal. This association sparked in me a recollection of Col and me going to Falmouth together on Memorial Day weekend in '95. We stopped at the Cape Cod Canal and rode our bikes along it. This was one occasion where I put her number one. I was in My Fair Lady at this time and I had to skip a Sunday rehearsal in order for us to take this trip. Well, I did. And the sight of the river (as I walked along it in Feb. 2002) reminded me of that weekend and it stirred me to realize ie. feel that on this occasion I put her at the top of the list. I appreciated her fully on this wonderful weekend trip. So, on this day (when the sights stirred up that weekend in '95) I was reminded of a time when I acted perfectly. No regret was felt. The feelings from touching this memory were just wonderful.
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new poem number 41.
If Only 2002
written (3-1-02)
This poem is a continuation of the theme in the poem If Only. It states that just going back to the time with Col in order to correct things isn't a perfect wish. Perhaps she was meant to depart from me no matter how I acted. And would I like to revisit ie. relive 1996? That was a chaos-filled time and I'm so glad it's behind me. So, this poem tells of my discovery that if I went back to '95, I might still get brought to the difficult state which I was in in '96. So, my conclusion was then: accept what happened. And appreciate where you are now. You got through the difficult time.
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new poem number 42.
Rediscovering Gratefullness
written (3-19-02)
This poem tells of my ability now to sense appreciation whenever she gets stirred up. I can feel pleasure now when I'm reminded of our time together. This capability is precious. It is a milstone reached. Whereas for so long, if she was stirred I just felt sadness, now I can sense love and appreciation that we shared the time that we did.
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poem number 43.
Appreciate The Love
written (3-29-02)
This poem describes a milestone reached. Her gifts, which I saved, just for so long, stirred feelings of sadness and awareness of her being gone. Well, I reached a state (slowly after her death) where I could feel such appreciation when I held one of her gifts. For so long, they had just stirred sadness. Now they stirred love.
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poem number 44.
Memories Now Point To One Year Ago
written (6-17-02)
The transformation in my reaction to her appearing due a memory was the theme of this poem. And the nice state I was able to sense was now in its second year. So, each memory now was reminding me that it was a year ago, when it (any reminder of Col) started stirring pleasure. I still remembered the time when the memories were painful but one year ago they began evolving and were becoming pleasing. So, today they were pleasing and I was also reminded that it was one year ago when this new state began.
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new poem number 45.
Forgiveness Is Growing
written (6-29-02)
For so long, I felt such regret when I recalled how I acted. When Col and I were a couple I was on leave from my High Tech job. I was working for a lot less money then. So, I wasn't able to offer her a lot. My income was so reduced, during the time we were together. And after she left me (we were together 14 months) I just battered myself with criticism. Well, as time passed, I started sensing the good angles in my behavior. The ability to sense this had been missing for so long. Now, I was able to feel that I hadn't just acted poorly. In so many areas, now I was able to give myself a B- instead of an F.
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new poem number 46.
I Was A friend
written (7-7-02)
This poem tells a story about an incident which led me to give myself credit. For a long time whenever I'd notice the wishing star (or a bright light in the sky), I'd remember how often Col would point it out to me when we were out on a walk. I wrote about the regret I had felt in the poem Wishing Star. But on this night when I saw it, a new angle hit me. For so long, I had sensed that teasing her was a negative thing. But on this night (July 2002) I could sense a new angle. I was a friend.
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new poem number 47.
The Wall
written (7-20-02)
This poem describes how her presence in my heart has transformed. For so long, I couldn't find any positive feelings whenever she came my way via a memory or a sight. But after her death, her place in my heart started stirring positive things. I could enjoy the times we shared. I could feel closeness to her. I could feel our love again. The massive wall which had been present for so long was now gone. We can connect, in my heart.
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new poem number 48.
Together Again 2002
written (9-20-02)
This poem tells about the evolving of my feelings. I woke up from a dream in early '99 in which she had declared that we should reconnect. The feelings after I woke up (discovering that this wasn't true ie. it was just a dream) were just sadness and disappointment. So, the occassion of that connection (via a dream) just brought me woe. But now things were different. Instead of her visiting via a dream (which then stirred disapointment), I could visit her resting place and feel a deep closeness to her. It seemed like we were really together again.
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new poem number 49.
Casey Lesson
written (10-28-02)
One day, while running in '98, I discovered a strategy to help me through today. I surmised that we'd reconnect in twenty years and get everything settled. So, this possibility was a comforting thing to cling to. I didn't have her in my life today, which stirred sadness but sensing that we would reconnect twenty years from now was very comforting. This likelihood helped me deal with the present; it was such a comforting thing to focus on. Well, 2 years later she died so this 20 year reconnection was undermined. But a short time later another angle came to me. We couldn't reconnect in twenty years but I could feel close to her now! So, we did reconnect but not in the way that I thought ie. hoped we would. The poem The Volunteer seemed like such a good lesson to me. Casey got his second chance (20 years later) but totally in an unexpected way. I got my second chance with Colette in a totally unexpected way. She died and I now could visit her.
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new poem number 50.
A Year Ago 2002
written (11-08-02)
This poem honors the one year anniversary of her marker being placed. For a year now, I had been able to visit her. And her marker seemed to preserve her so much like the friend I had known, both in location and style. She is in front of her parents' grave marker, now. She is back in Suncook, where she'd lived during our time together. When we were a couple (in '95) she had lived near her parents. Now they (Col and her folks) are close once more. We had visited this spot together too in '95. Her niece (who had died at age 2) is buried here (right next to where Col's marker is now). We had walked to this spot (when we were a couple) and visited her niece's grave site many times. So, visiting Col's marker reminded me so much, of the days when we had visited this spot. It seemed that we were together again.
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new poem number 51.
The Ring
written (1-08-03)
My wish to toast her (at her grave site) with the frozen juice was described in the poem Juicy Memories 2001. Well, a new thought hit me as a means to honor her. My high school class ring I had worn to the Gala Ball, which we had gone to in September 1995. But part of this night I had dressed in Shakespeare era attire. I was asked to promote the photo opportunity this night. I stood in front of the horse and carriage which was parked at the hotel entrance. Photos were offered to be taken of the Ball attendees inside this carriage as a momento from this night. I was the fellow informing the Ballgoers of this. But when I got into my costume and took my spot next to the carriage, I realized I hadn't taken off my class ring. This jewelry didn't fit with how I was supposed to look. And my custume didn't have a pocket so, I asked Col if she'd hold it. She did. I forgot to get it back after this night. She didn't return it till a few months later. And after getting it back I sensed the urge to give it to her again, not just as a favor (for her to hold it for me) but as a gesture of love. And I was ready for her to decline this offer but she took it! And I hoped this accepting of it would symbolize that our relationship was special and precious. Well, she gave it back a short time later. But after she died, I was hit by a new thought. Why don't I give it back to her ie. bury it with her at her grave marker as a gesture commemorating and symbolizing our love.
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new poem number 52.
The Ol' Man
written (5-06-03)
When the New Hampshire relic (The Ol' Man Of The Mountain) fell, it stirred this poem. That thing seemed so everlasting but now it was gone. It seemed to symbolize poignantly my relationship with Col. It (our relationship) seemed so solid and firm then one day it tumbled down. But the Ol' Man's current state (fallen but preserved in our memories) seemed also to apply to Col and me.
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new poem number 53.
Her Gifts
written (8-11-03)
The Hannah Dustin monument in Concord stirs me. When I visit her, I feel close to her. This state has emerged between me and Col, now. I've created a monument to her on my wall. All the cards she gave me are displayed. The pictures of us together are framed. The hearts she gave me on Valentine's Day of '95 are framed. So, sitting in front of these and gazing at them stirs closeness and a sense that we're once more together. This state is one that was missing for so long! I had just tucked her momentos under the bed and just ignored them. Well, now they bring delight and stir feelings of closeness and love.
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new poem number 54.
Together Again 2003
written (10-14-03)
The theme from The Sound Of Music just stirred me one day. Instead of: the hills are alive with the sound of music, I was inspired to alter it to: Colette is alive in my heart and mem'ry.
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new poem number 55.
We Can Visit
written (4-26-04)
For such a long time, I had envied Rick Blaine. He lost Ilsa; she sent him a note, while he was waiting for her at the train station, stating that she couldn't ever see him again! Well, he was shocked! Then a year and a half later she walks into his cafe in French Morroco. This shocked him even more. But they worked things out and he felt such peace when she departed from this city, headed for America. I envied Rick for a long time that he and Ilsa got things settled. But recently a new angle struck me. Rick said good bye to Ilsa and they never connected again. I can connect with Colette. I can visit her grave. So, Rick's deal wasn't just perfect. He could never again sense her in his presence. I can.
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new poem number 56.
It's Over
written (7-19-04)
For such a long time, I felt such empathy with Rick Blaine. He lost Ilsa; she sent him a note, while he was waiting for her at the train station, stating that she couldn't ever see him again! Well, he was shocked!
I related to his anguish. Col sent me a letter so similar. But I didn't do what Rick did and I'm glad. Rick heaved her good bye letter. I kept Col's and I can touch it today.
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new poem number 57.
What Stirred The Dream
written (8-14-04)
For so long, I wished for a long talk between Col and me. Rick and Ilsa got this and they settled things between them. Col and I never got that opportunity. But I chose to try to perceive her point of view. I tried to imagine her feelings. I tried to connect with her perspective. The Dream then was written by me. I just imagined Col's feelings and let the essay go where it was meant to.
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new poem number 58.
The Joy Of Suncook
written (11-19-04)
Feeling pleasure whenever Colette was stirred up in my heart due to a sight that reminded me of her, was for so long impossible. But slowly I've reconnected with her and the state of joy I sense now, is a great gift. Now, I love visiting the town where she lived when we were a couple. I love parking at the base of the road where she had lived. I love taking the walks which we had taken together. And I love visiting her marker. And if I spot a coin on the ground, I pick it up and honor it, with all the Colette momentos, which I have displayed.
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new poem number 59.
Memories Are Wonderful Now
written (12-19-04)
Colette and I had a wonderful 14 months together (Nov 4, 1994 till Dec 31, 1995). We shared a wonderful New Year's Eve Together. But two days into 1996 I got a letter from her announcing our time was ending. This was so unexpected! Then a month later I decided to be bold and I asked her to marry me. I hoped she'd say yes. But I was ready for her to say she'd think about it. But what she said was totally unexpected. She said she was now seeing somebody else.
Then a few weeks later, I discovered her new companion was living right on my street. She had lived 26 miles away. So, I found living in my house very uncomfortable. So many sights reminded me of her many visits and the wonderful times we shared. But now she was with someone else right over the hill. I stayed in the house till December 1996, though. I waited 11 months before I concluded I couldn't live there anymore. But I got to the point where I couldn't live there anymore, so I sold it and moved to a new town. In this new town, I wasn't reminded of her at all. It was a whole new world. And I ignored my former home and her for a long time.
But she passed on in November, 2000. Then I slowly reconnected with her. And now all her memories, both good and bad, I value and appreciate. The good memories I enjoy and the bad times, I feel grateful, I've gotten over. This is a blessed state.
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new poem number 60.
The Finish Line Surprise
written (1-12-05)
On July 18 of 1998, I was running in The Exeter Kiwanis Race with Jos. This was her first 10K. I stayed by her side for the whole time. But when we got to the finish line I was very surprised. Colette was standing there. I then hoped she showed up because she wished for us to reconnect. I remember Jos telling me that 3 months earlier, Col's Mom had died. Then I remembered that Col had said to me that she'd like to live in the folks' home when they left.
So, I thought she'd tell me that she and he had parted again and she was living in the folks' house, now. A year earlier, (July 13, 1997) she had shown up at The Hugh Holt race (which was held at her school). After that race, we had hugged and she had shared with me that her Dad was near the end. Dad passed on in November of 1997. That race (The Hugh Holt Memorial Race) took place during the time when she had left her mate. But two weeks later, they got back together.
But now a year later, I thought maybe they'd parted ways again. I had hope that she appeared because she'd like us to reconnect. I thought she'd say that after Mom died (April 23, 1998) (both parents' now departed), she had moved into the folks' house in Suncook. Well, what happened was the opposite. I heard a fellow say to her, "So, you and he are building a big new house in Fremont!" I was very jolted. But now I like recollecting the jolting times because I've gotten to a state of peace.
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new poem number 61.
Dreams Are So Real
written (1-24-05)
Dreams seem so real! Whatever happens in the dream you believe to be actual. And when the dream brings about a state you fear ie. don't want, then upon waking, you're filled with delight. It didn't happen. But if the dream brings about a state you wish for, then while you're dreaming, you're in a delightful state! But upon waking, you're in such a disappointed state because it didn't happen. It was just a dream.
I got away from cigarettes in 1981. I wished, so much to do that! But I've had a bunch of dreams where I've gone back and I was shown the huge dispair which it would bring about should that happen. But after waking up, I was delighted because it didn't.
And I had a couple of dreams where Col and I got back together. In the dream, I was thrilled but after waking up, I was so disappointed. So, dreams feel real! And if you dream that you did something regretable, then waking up brings joy. It wasn't real! But if you dream that you got a wished for state, then you're disappointed upon awakening because it didn't happen and you wished it had.
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new poem number 62.
The Acceptance Poem Lesson
written (2-7-05)
The poem Acceptance really made a positive impression on me. The fellow who wrote it wanted wealth and strength and power but got something else: a lesson in life.
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new poem number 63.
The Fisherman And His Wife Lesson
written (2-22-05)
The Grimms Brothers' Tale really gives a lesson in life. If you just keep wishing for more, you'll lose everything. I'm so grateful that I feel closeness to Colette, now. I couldn't for so long. I've gotten a castle.
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new poem number 64.
A Christmas Carol Lesson
written (3-29-05)
I sense the depth in the story, A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens. Scrooge is portrayed as a grouchy, mean, frustrated fellow. Well, this was because of unresolved guilt he was living with. When the ghosts bring him back to his past, he gets things healed and at the end of the story, he's so kind and generous. So, don't hide from your past. If you do, you'll be frustrated and wounded. Scrooge let the ghosts guide him; I let my higher power guide me.
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new poem number 65.
The Overgrown Bush
written (4-19-05)
There was a bush in her front yard that was really tall and overgrown. It took up so much space and greatly reduced the view out her bedroom window. So, one day in the summer of 1995, we trimmed it together. Now when I see a bush like hers, I'm reminded of that day and I enjoy it.
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new poem number 66.
Cloudy Days Are Wonderful Now
written (5-4-05)
Cloudy days stirred me to such a dreary state for so long. But I clung to faith that the sun would soon shine and I'd then feel better. Well, cloudy days have transformed into being delightful, now. I love them. They stir me to reflect and I enjoy doing this. So, now when the day is cloudy, I'm really pleased whereas for a long time, I was sad.
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new poem number 67.
Colette Seemed So Simple
written (5-29-05)
When we were together in 1995, Col seemed like such a simple person. But after she left me, she seemed so different. Did I know the real her or did she change?
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new poem number 68.
When I Lost You
written (7-4-05)
When she ended our time on January 2, 1996 (two days after a wonderful date on New Year's Eve in Portsmouth, NH) I was very grief filled. I then started attending counseling sessions. So, through all of 1996, I sufferred from grief. But no one else did. None of her friends or family lost her. I was the only one. When 1996 ended, I just looked away from her for a few years. But after she died in November of 2000, I started looking her way again. And I felt closeness to her when I'd visit her grave marker. All her friends and family lost her after she succumbed to breast cancer but I got her back in my heart.
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new poem number 69.
Let's Celebrate
written (7-24-05)
When 2004 was nearing its end (November) I had a thought that the new year (2005) would bring me to a new state and I could move on. I thought that in the new year, I could find a new mate and just get over the Colette days. But then another thought hit me. Why not honor the ten year anniversay of us being together. We dated through all of 1995. In 2005, why not celebrate the ten year anniversay of our time together. So, sometimes your first hope gets changed.
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new poem number 70.
My Wreath Of Vines
written (8-24-05)
When I sold my house, late December of 1996, I heaved the wreath of vines which hung next to my door. This is where I had hid my spare key. And Colette had used this key, to enter my house many times in 1995. In 1996 this wreath reminded me of her visits but that was, now over, past. So in 1996, this wreath brought me sadness. But now, I enjoy seeing this type of wreath. Whenever I see a house where a wreath of vines in hanging up, I like to see it. So, it has turned around from once being unbearable to see to being pleasing.
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new poem number 71.
Halloween Memories
written (10-14-05)
When October arrived, it reminded me of Halloween. Then I remembered how I was in Halloween of 1995. I was really consumed with my frustration with how I was costumed in Charlotte's Web. So, I didn't focus on Halloween that year. The next year (1996) I did. I made a fancy pumpkin for Colette. And I put inside it a poem and her favorite donuts. Then I brought it to her. I wanted to make up to her.
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