poem number 1. Acceptance

I attributed this incorrectly to Roy Campanella. He didn't write it. He discovered it and referred to it in his autobiography "It's Good To Be Alive"

I just stumbled across this poem one day, while I was looking at greeting cards. It seemed to speak to me. It was July 1997. I had written 50 poems up till this time. Finally, they were all typed into my neighbor's computer (I didn't own one yet and all the poems had been transcribed exclusively by hand). I was in the process of getting the whole collection compiled into a single bound entity (one book). These poems expressed many of my feelings of regret and guilt. But the poem Acceptance seemed to prod me to consider another angle. Yes, I wanted to turn the clock back but this couldn't happen. I needed to accept what had happened and be mindful of the message in these words. Sometimes getting the opposite of what we want results in an enlightening experience.
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poem number 2. Valentine
written (to Colette) Feb 13, 1995

This poem was written and presented to her on Valentine's Day 1995. It was the only poem given to her as a gift on the day which it was intended to honor.
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poem number 3. One Year Anniversary
written (to Colette) Nov 9, 1995

I'd be more proud of this poem if it had been presented to her on the big day--the one year anniversary of our first date (we met on Saturday, November 5, 1994). But on the anniversary day (November 5, 1995) I was finishing the first weekend of the play I was in (Charlotte's Web--which I call the Rat Play). It had been a very stress-filled period so after the weekend of shows was finally finished, I just wanted to relax and veg out. I called her but didn't do anything to honor the day. I wrote the poem a few days later. I gave it to her the following Friday.
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poem number 4. Your Touch or The Panic Poem
written (to Colette) Dec 21, 1995

She told me she wanted some time away on December 15, 1995. She had been a daily presence in my life for the past year and suddenly I was sensing what it would be like if she was gone from my life. Everywhere I looked in my house, I could see evidence of her touch. There was nowhere I could look and not be reminded. This poem described what every sight triggered.
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The probing essay The Dream
written (to Colette) early February, 1996

My initial reaction after Colette announced that she wanted a break from me (December 15, 1995) was, "How come? Where are the occasions which suggest we had problems?" All my memories just brought back fulfilling moments. All my memories validated her deep feelings for me. Then a time or two popped into my head when she did give hints of being displeased. My wish, when writing this essay was to embrace every one of these hints and see what they told me. My reaction to these had been to surmise that she was upset because of something else and this irritation (this "something else") was behind her displeasure. Now, I tried to face these moments again to learn what it was she was really feeling. I thought if I focussed on these moments, it would lead me to a deeper understanding of her state. I thought that if I could sense an awareness of her state then I could accept it.
I gave Jos a copy, (after it was complete) and I also asked her for her input. She never made any firm conclusions in regards to it. I surmised that she didn't really know what was going on at that time with Colette, so she couldn't declare my essay either accurate or way off. But, regardless of that, I did hope that she would give it to Col. But I never asked her to do this or asked her if she did. A year later, I never even knew if Col had seen or read it.
In early 1997, I decided to send her a copy of this essay. She sent me a card and wrote her reaction. She complimented me openly on my success at expressing her point of view, accurately.
"I know not where to begin thanking you for that priceless essay," she wrote. "I will forever treasure it."
"My innermost thought and sentiments were written in such a warm, sincere tone that I almost feel I've been violated," she observed. "Except," she added, "I now know that you were sent to me from above."

She added that she read it over, many times.
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poem number 5. The Homeless Jar
written (to Colette) Feb. 1996

It was five weeks since our last date, which was New Year's Eve (Dec. 31, 1995). I noticed a near-empty peanut butter jar in my kitchen cupboard. A few months earlier (when we were a couple) she had asked me if she could have the near-empty peanut butter jar which then was in the cupboard. She said it'd make a nice storage jar for her kids at school. As I looked at this later one, it reminded me of the state that seemingly was no more. Here was something that Col had expressed a want for. But no one was requesting this one. I wrote this poem and sent it to her in the peanut-butter jar.
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poem number 6. The Birdhouse
written (to Colette) October, 1996

A greeting card I noticed one day, had a picture (on its cover) of a multi-level birdhouse sitting atop a pole. This looked just like the one which we had put up together on one summer day in '95. We worked together and resurrected a long forgotten birdhouse which had been just sitting on a shelf in the garage. The first part of the poem tells the story of us working together to raise this birdhouse, while the last line of the poem expressed my hope that our relationship could be likewise, raised back up.
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poem number 7. Halloween
written (to Colette) October, 1996

When the holiday approached in '96 I was made so aware of how I hadn't directed any of my artistic skill towards her one year back. I was in the play Charlotte's web (Templeton the rat), at this time one year back and I was so frustrated with how I was costumed. This displeased state just consumed me. I never even carved a Jack O Lantern Pumpkin for her. So, a year later, even though she was with someone else, I felt the undeniable urge to make up for this. So, I carved a pumpkin and put this poem inside and left it on her lawn to find on Halloween morning '96.
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poem number 8 Dear Col
or
Two Year Anniversary Poem
written (to Colette) October, 1996

When November fifth neared in 1996 it was such a difficult time for me. I was so saddened that we weren't still a couple. And when I remembered how scantily I had recognized the big day when we were a couple, I was filled with the need to do something that would pay her a tribute. I wrote this poem and had it published (on November 5, 1996) in the Manchester Union Leader.
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poem number 9 Wishing Star
written (to Colette) October, 1996

We had taken so many walks together and so many of these occurred as the daylight gave way to darkness. We were walking so many times as the stars began to sparkle. Whenever she saw the first one (the Wishing Star) she'd point it out to me. Now, I was seeing the same view but without her.
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poem number 10. Blue Sweater
written (to Colette) October, 1996

I was going to church so I had to look presentable. When I looked at myself in the mirror, I suddenly recalled how the sweater, which I was wearing was a gift from her. It was one of the many gifts which she had given me. How many had I given her? The disparity was pretty wide. I longed for the chance to make up.
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poem number 11. I'll Be There!
written (to Colette) November, 1996

My friend Jos (who was Col's best friend), told me while we walked home together from church, that Col was involved in a relationship that was serious. She advised me to accept this but she added that Col was facing a serious difficulty. Jos didn't provide the details but I found out later that Col was battling breast cancer. I wrote this poem because I still felt so many caring feelings for her. This one, I actually got the honor of reading to her.

I was driving by a gas station the Saturday prior to Thanksgiving ('96) and I noticed a grey van next to one of the pumps. As I continued my ride, the side of the van which had been hidden from my view became visible. When this scene became clear to me, I could see the person filling up the gas tank. It was Colette! I immediately did a U turn and pulled into the gas station. I stopped my truck nose to nose with her van. I got out and faced her, not sure of her reaction.

She gave me a big hug! I had my notebook in the truck and this poem had just been finished so I asked her if I could read it to her! She approved. The Epping Mobil Station wasn't the most romantic setting, one could argue but I'm grateful for this opportunity to share these words and these moments with her.

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poem number 12. Thanksgiving
written (to Colette) November, 1996

This holiday (in '96) was so hard to deal with, for me. The holiday one year earlier was a time which should have been cherished and grasped. We were a happy couple then. We attended church together Thanksgiving morning. I had been invited to her family's Thanksgiving dinner gathering. But I was so preoccupied with the stresses going on in my life that I squandered the day. When it rolled around a year later, I was so bludgeoned with regret. This poem was painful to write.
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poem number 13. The Quarter
written (to Colette) November, 1996

One day, (in November '96) I found a quarter on the ground. It should've triggered a tad of pleasure but it reminded me of our walks together, when too, I'd notice coins on the ground and I stopped to pick them up. But those coins were touched when we were a happy pair. This quarter was found when we were no longer a couple; when our relationship was over. It now reminded me of this fact. It wasn't therefore a pleasure to find.
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poem number 14. Things Change
written (to Colette) November, 1996

I discovered a wonderful riverside park and spent a lot of time there in late '96. One day when I was observing all the wonder around me I realized that the river level was extremely low. Yesterday its width had been mammoth! The contrast was so intriguing. Things do change. This was a source of great reassurance to me. Days filled with sadness and regret would move on. The river consoled me. I discovered later that the river flowed to the ocean, so the tides dictated the river's size. It changed with the tides. It was always a different size. It was always changing. It was a good metaphor for life.
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poem number 15. Taco Bell Picnic
written (to Colette) November, 1996

I bought a burrito one day in November of '96. It reminded me of a day spent with Col. We had shared some wonderful intimacy in the late afternoon and afterwards considered our options regarding supper. We ended up getting a meal (to go) at Taco Bell and ate it at a picnic table next to a small river. It was not a Gala date but it was extremely memorable, nonetheless. The burrito, which today I spilled on my pants required my attention ie. I had to clean it up. So, while focussing on the effort; cleaning the spilled burrito up, it reminded me of that day. But then my memories bounced to a day in April of '96 (3 months after her departure) when I rode my bike to see this spot. The sights were the same but we weren't together anymore. My reaction on that day (while I sat at the same spot which we two had shared) was sadness and loss. This poem describes these steps in my memories taking place.
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poem number 16. Ten PM
written (to Colette) December, 1996

I work the second shift (3-11 pm). And one night at a bit after ten PM, I was struck by how unimpacting this time period was for me, while I was at work. The contrast between this time (while I was at work) being just another stretch in my night versus the effect it had when I was home was impossible to ignore. She called me every night at about ten PM throughout 1995. Now (October '96) the phone was silent. When I was home, I was so aware of this. But when this time arrived on a work night, there were no reminders of her and the moments were, therefore neutral. But when I was home, this was not at all the case! Being at work at ten pm was a blessing of sorts.
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poem number 17. The Card
written (to Colette) December, 1996

She had sent me a card around this time (early October) a year ago. She sent me a lot of cards. This was a frequent occurance. Now she was sending me none and the awareness of this current state was very battering. But there was an added detail in regards to this particular one which made its memory even more impacting. She had written a note at the end in French. I had never even bothered to get the words translated. And when I finally did, a year later, the heretofore unknown message was such a shock to finally hear. She was gone. She was with someone else. But a card she had sent me stated point blank, her longing to be with me and I hadn't even bothered to find this out, while we were a couple. The message said, "I love you sweetheart! Would you like to sleep with me tonight?" I so wished that the message was current and still being requested. But it was not.
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poem number 18. Your Toothbrush
written (to Colette) December, 1996

One day I noticed her toothbrush next to mine in the same cup on the bathroom sink. It was nearly a year since she had stopped visiting. I thought I collected all her stuff so my house would be minus (as much as possible) reminders of Colette. But suddenly there was this sight before me. Her toothbrush was facing my toothbrush. It seemed we were together again, in a strange, mysterious, inexplicable way. Was it a sign?
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poem number 19. The Cold Van
written (to Colette) November, 1996

I decided, finally (in early November 1996) that I wasn't living in my house any more. I was selling it. There were just too many reminders of Colette there! And until it was sold, I decided I was living elsewhere. I therefore stayed at a charming motel for the next three weeks until I found my new apartment. My daily routine during this period was to travel to my favorite riverside park every morning and sit and read and write on one of the park benches. It was very noticeable as I started up my truck (with the park my destination) the weather was turning colder. We were in November. The coldness of one particular day reminded me of a cold day one year back.
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poem number 20. My Fair Lady Recollected
written (to Colette) November, 1996

The cold weather one day reminded me that winter was near. I therefore had to be mindful of having appropriate clothes available. This line of thinking reminded me of the need for warm footwear (...couldn't just continue to wear my sneakers day after day). Winter Boots then reminded me of My Fair Lady. I was in this show and I had worn my winter boots as part of my costume. I was Alphie Doolittle in this play in July of '95. Col and I were a couple then. Needing to wear winter boots in November of '96 brought back the summer of '95. This show marked the peak period of that time. But the days which followed turned into a snowballing crisis.
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poem number 21. Vineyard Weekend
written (to Colette) October, 1996

I went to a play in late '96. It was a fine performance of the classic show "Our Town". Although I enjoyed the show, it did spark memories of a night of attending another play a year back. In October of '95, my folks had offered us their time-share cottage on Martha's Vineyard. They were planning to use it but later in the week. It was available then, Thursday thru Sunday and We (Col and I) were invited to use it for those days. I was too busy but Col asked if she could go with her kids. I had no objection to this. It seemed that it worked out fine for us both. During that weekend (Saturday night) there was a play shown and a fellow was in it who was the brother of a co-worker of mine. I attended this show. A year later, when again at a theatre in this city (Portsmouth NH), I was reminded of how a wonderful weekend with Col had been missed one year back.
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poem number 22. Value Meal
written (to Colette) December, 1996

I felt such massive regret when the time we shared was sparked via a memory. It seemed that I did so little. When I was at McDonald's one day, I realized I had never even taken her here.
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poem number 23. The Last Visit
written (to Colette) December 17, 1996


The play that I hated (The Rat Play) was finally over (December 10, 1995). I could finally spend some time with Col, unburdened by my frustrations. This poem tells about the nice mid-week dinner visit we had. I found out later she had wanted to tell me, this night that she needed some time away. But she didn't. She told me two days later (December 15, 1995). A year later, it all came back to me.
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poem number 24. Senses
written to Jocelyn early January, 1997


One Sunday during the church service, I spoke to Jocelyn (softly) and she replied (softly). I could smell her breath as she spoke. It stirred in me my awareness of how sharpened my senses seemed to be. It also stirred in me a reminder of how fortunate I was that Jocelyn was my friend.
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poem number 25. The Coffee Mill
written mid January, 1997


I discovered a charming, character-filled coffee shop in historic downtown Exeter NH, one day in early 1996. The counter person (Randy) made me feel right at home and I soon adopted this place as my morning place to go. I had been picking up a coffee to go at a gas station food mart and sipping this on a park bench next to the river. But in January it gets a bit too cold to sit outside so I had to find a warmer morning spot. The Coffee Mill filled the bill perfectly. I wrote a lot of poems there. I met some nice people too. It was a blessing to find.
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poem number 26. Sermons
written January 21, 1997


I found (and still find) the Sunday sermons to be so thought-provoking and helpful to me. It seemed (and still seems) that each one was written just for me! January 19, 1997 was a very cold day. The sanctuary never got warmed up but nonetheless, the words were still impacting and moving. Michael (the minister) made a reference though, which I did take exception to. He made a comment about the fashionable place which Angels are given, today. I did have to disagree with him on that one point.
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poem number 27. The Day After
written to Jocelyn January 27, 1997


My birthday fell on Super Sunday in 1997. The home team (NE Patriots) were in the Super Bowl this year. For many years, I was a devoted sports fan and the successes or failures of the home teams (Red Sox, Bruins, Celtics and Pats) was something I paid close attention to. My perspective was pretty different now. Jos invited me to her house for Supper on this day. All the family was so excited about the big game. And when it started, I watched it for a while. But at half time, Jos started playing the piano (in the other room). I left the room where the game was on TV and joined her. As the Pat's fortunes declined and the defeat got nearer, my joy increased and I found the moments so much Grander! I wrote this poem the next day (the day after).
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poem number 28. Going Home
written February, 1997


On one dreary rainy day in mid February, I was so aware of how sunny my disposition was. This was certainly different from a few months back. I drove into the driveway of Wes Manor and sensed how nice it was to live here. As I was unlocking the entry door, I noticed Jos's house across the street. What A delight this was to see. Then I was reminded of the scenes that greeted me when I entered my former residence. What A difference it was to live here. Halleluiah!!!!!
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poem number 29. Juicy Memories
written (to Colette) February, 1997


The theme of this poem altered after it was initially declared finished. It's prod was my need to find a pitcher (due to the birthday gift of food from my sister) which reminded me of when Colette would visit and I didn't even have one. Now, I had one (late February '97) but we were not a couple. I wrote in this poem about the memories that this incident stirred. The poem concluded with the lines, "One reaps what one has sown." But then I recieved a card from her. The relationship which she had gotten into (which replaced ours) had ended. I therefore added the poem ending which now is present. This last verse voiced my hope that we'd reconnect.

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poem number 30. Casey at the Bat--Sequel
written February, 1997


Casey's story sure seemed to apply to me; a hero one day and a failure the next. I applied my feelings to Casey's character and wrote this poem. More background is at the bottom on the page containing the poem.
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poem number 31. After Patience
written to Jocelyn March 1, 1997


Jos was in The Gilbert & Sullivan show Patience. I went to opening night (Friday February 28, 1997). I took the night off from work and enjoyed the show immensely. My disposition was so upbeat. Afterwards, I greeted all the cast members. One in particular (my special friend Jos), got an extra warm greeting; a big exuberant hug. On the ride home (my new home; my peace-filled home) I sensed the slight whiff of perfume. I sniffed again and again smelled the scent of my special friend. The wonderful hug was being experienced again, it seemed. What a wonderful thing to relive! Then a thought hit me. Was this really Jos I was sensing?
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poem number 32. The Lottery
written (to Colette) March 13, 1997


The buzz at work on Thursday night was the 40 million lottery prize. This was the only topic of conversation all night long. Everybody was talking about their ticket pools and showing off how many contributers there were and therefore how many tickets they could buy. More than once, I was asked if I wanted to get in on this. I respectfully declined. My focus was on the fact that Jos had told me that Col wanted to see me again. She was planning to go to a day of activities at the theatre this Sunday (March 16, 1997). In the afternoon there was a matinee performance of Patience and later that evening there was a concert featuring Irish music by a local band, The Foggy Dew. She was attending both and wanted to see me. This was a far better prize. Nobody's lottery ticket won but I felt I'd won the biggest prize of all; a reunion with my lost love.
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poem number 33. Daffodils
written late March, 1997


These flowers are the symbol of The American Cancer Society. They're the first flowers to blossom in the spring and announce that winter is through. They seem to bespeak hope. They seemed to speak to me. This poem just hit me one day and got created in about an hour. I guess it was meant to be born.
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poem number 34. Vitamins
written (to Colette) late March, 1997


One day (in April '97) I noticed my vitamin bottle was empty. It stirred a memory. One day in late '95, I faced the same plight. On that day, I noticed an entry added to my rather short grocery list, which was sitting on the kitchen table. The added item was vitamins. Col had noticed this state and penned the item on my list as a caring gesture. Now, I noticed the bottle with no hints from her. There were no surprise care-based reminders, like then.
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poem number 35. Walking By The Bookstore
written April, 1997


There was a beautiful and stirring display of daffodils in the downtown bookstore window. I was so moved by it. Every day I looked forward to seeing it. Colette had been detected with breast cancer seven months earlier and had undergone extensive treatment. She was now declared cancer-free. This display reminded me of hope; hope in regards to her illness and in regards also to our hoped-for reunion. But one day I walked by and the display was changed. Income tax books were the new focus of the window display. What a difference!
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poem number 36. The Swan
written (to Colette) April, 1997


One day, I was driving and noticed a beautiful swan in a little pond to my right. I had to stop. This sight was so exciting to see. I started visiting this spot regularly after this. It was a wonderful sight. The only way it could have been enhanced was if she could have shared it with me.
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poem number 37. The Swans Revisited
written (to Colette) April, 1997


The spot where I had made friends with a single swan now contained a pair. It was a double delight.
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poem number 38. Her Picture
written (to Colette) May, 1997


Col and her friends went on a cruise in February to celebrate the fact that her cancer had been treated and she was declared cancer-free. Jos was one of the participants too. In May, I was invited to Jos's house for dinner. She had organized a group to go see a play this Saturday night and everybody was meeting at her house for dinner first. When I got there Jos asked me if I wanted to see the pictures from the cruise. I was handed these and when I looked at the first one there she was! Colette's face was on the first photo I looked at. This startled me a bit but I breathed deeply and managed to deal with the feelings. She was in my hand and she was soon to arrive.
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poem number 39. Rushing Water
written (to Colette) May, 1997


My new apartment was so peace-filled. It was a Godsend to find. But Wes, my landlord couldn't take care of anything and there were lots of things which needed maintenance. I tried to do these myself whenever possible. One occasion was when the toilet stopped flushing. I bought the needed parts, installed them and soon the thing worked fine. I was such a good handy-man. The fulfillment created after seeing something work again was a nice feeling. Then it reminded me. Colette had asked me if I could look at a toilet of hers which was not working right. I was too busy and I never did. This memory, this missed opportunity to share my talents and help her stirred much regret. This poem was the result of those feelings.
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poem number 40. My Neighbor's Voice
written (to Jocelyn) May, 1997


What a joy it was to come home and hear Jocelyn's voice on my answering machine. During this time I tried to grasp every joy-filled circumstance I could. This poem was a Thank You of sorts to my precious friend/neighbor.
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poem number 41. Acting Bug
written (to Colette) May, 1997


In May of '97, my friend Mac was again in The Music Man (he had shows lined up one after the other at this time). We had been in this show together in July of '94. This show was where we met. Now he was again on stage as Olin Britt, owner of The Rivercity Gazette and bass in the barbershop quartet. Jos organized a gang to go to Mac's show. I was part of the group, as was Col. The ten tickets we bought, though weren't all together. We would be sitting in three groups; there was a group of five seats together, a group of three and a group of two. I handed out the tickets to everyone. Each person, therefore had to choose which bunch to be a part of. When it was Col's turn to be given a ticket, I asked her, "Where do you want to sit?" She replied, "with you!" So, we sat together during this show; we were the group of two. Some time during the evening she asked me, "Don't you miss being up there on stage?" I replied, "I'm delighted beyond description to be right here! With you!" I wouldn't have traded places with Mac for anything. What I had was perfect. I wrote this poem the next day.
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poem number 42. The Music Swan
written (to Colette) June, 1997


Sarah was a high school senior and a regular visitor to The Coffee Mill, where I went every morning. She liked poetry and asked me if she could read some of my stuff. I shared with her, "The Swan" and "The Swans Revisited". Sarah said, "I love swans. My favorite book is E.B. White's book 'The Trumpet Of The Swan'." She then described, to me, the story. So, with her recommendation, I stopped into the downtown bookstore (a common destination for me) that day and purchased this book. The message contained was very intriguing. It spoke to me about the lessons we can learn from children's books. I used to think money management books were so wise. Now I was open to the wisdom expressed by a swan. I used to think I was so damned smart. Now I was open to the lessons contained in a kid's book.
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poem number 43. A Welcomed Sight
written (to Colette) June, 1997


I'll never forget my reaction after observing two phone bills side by side. The January 1996 bill detailed calls in December of 1995. There were dozens of calls from Suncook (Col's hometown). I had purchased an 800 number so she could call me whenever she wished and I'd pay the tab (I worked for AT&T so I got a discount). The February one though, was starkly different. Not one call to me in January of '96. Dozens one month, none the next. How quickly things changed! But now, in June of '97, this town again appeared on my phone bill. It seemed like such a good omen. I was filled with such hope that we'd reunite.
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poem number 44. Morning On Star Island
written (to Colette) June, 1997


Sitting on the porch of The Oceanic Hotel on Star Island was so inspiring. The Church Retreat was the weekend of June 6-8, 1997. I had gone to see a performance (with Col and Jos) of Lorretta LaRoche, the Thursday before. Loretta preaches, "Be silly. Be care-free. Life's to short to be worried all the time." This was a good lesson for me. I practiced the style at the retreat. I hoped that my new openness to new things would impress Col. I was open to change.
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poem number 45. Poetic Justice
written (to Colette) June, 1997


While attending (with Col and Jos on June 5th 1997) the show featuring Lorretta Laroche, I asked Col if she had received the last poem which I'd sent her. She just said, "Yup, I got it." My first thought was, "Well what was your reaction? What did you think of it? Did you like it?" Just letting me know that it had been received seemed rather minimal. Then it hit me. Didn't I react the same way so often when she'd leave me something? The shoe was on the other foot. A well deserved slap was being delivered to me.
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poem number 46. Marathon
written (to Colette) June, 1997


The Relay For Life is An American Cancer Society fundraising event. Col was organizing a team and Jos told me that I could be a part of it. I was so honored. And for some reason, not many of her friends partook. We walked for a long time together at this event just her and me (like in the days of old). I felt so honored to be a part of Col's team and to do what I could to assist these brave cancer survivors.
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poem number 47. Ships Passing
written (to Colette) June, 1997


Col stayed with Jos for a few days, unbeknownst to me (I lived across the street). I called up Jos one night from work and the voice who answered the phone wasn't one from Jos's family. I recognized the voice of Colette immediately after she said, "Hello." I spoke, "Is Jocelyn there please?" She said, "Yup. Hold on." I recognized her and she didn't recognize me. I felt like I had been forgotten. I spoke to Jos and told her what it was which prodded the call in the first place. Then said, "Good bye." and felt extremely hurt. My voice wasn't even recognized by the person I had spoken to so often! I drove home very sad and forlorn. But when I got to my apartment, there was Col sitting on my steps waiting for me! She said, "I'm sorry I didn't recognize you! When Jos told me it was you, I had to come over and wait for you so I could apologize." We took a nice midnight walk together. Hope had returned.
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poem number 48. The Hug
written (to Colette) July, 1997


There was a race at Col's school, July 13, 1997. This inspired me to get my running shoes on and train for it. I hadn't run in a year and a half and my conditioning was pretty poor. But the fact that The Hugh Holt Race was at Col's school was an inspiration to me. I was in the pack, then when the gun sounded on race day. A half mile into the race, there she was. Colette was standing on the roadside waiting for me to pass so she could cheer me on. After the race we sat in her van and hugged and talked. Our special time was interupted by a biting bug, though. But I thought, "Hey, I'll take what I get in regards to time with her. I'm not gonna expend energy cursing a bug."
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poem number 49. Thunderstorm
written (to Colette) July, 1997


Stormy skies reminded me...
Col and I were visiting the folks in Auburn, Mass. It was an hour and a half ride back to her house. We were watching a video of the Bill Murray movie, "Ground Hog Day." I don't know how this movie ended because before its conclusion was reached, I decided the schedule required us to get going. I had to bring her home and then get to rehearsal an hour early. There was a surprise birthday party for Elaine, the director and I wanted to be there. So, the ride home was colored by my awareness of what a tight schedule was present. We had no time to spare. The skies, on this late afternoon became very black and stormy. The rain started while we drove and it was like we were in the midst of a hurricane! But I kept the same speed through it all and got her home on schedule. Then I took off for the theatre and got there on time too.
After she left me and "moved on", I asked myself, whenever I saw a stormy sky, why did I speed her home? What would I do now, if I relived the day (like Bill Murray did in Ground Hog Day)?
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poem number 50. Page 148
written (to Colette) July, 1997


A paragraph, on this page in Gail Sheehy's book, "New Passages" seemed to speak to me. It seemed to describe what Colette was feeling, in regards to our relationship. But I still hoped we'd reunite. These felings were valid and understandable but they didn't automatically conclude that your relationship (that you were questioning) was a mistake and had no value. These feelings were real and deserved to be honored and respected but the reaction to them did not automatically direct you to "move on" and abandon what was there.
These concerns needed to be listened to but where they intended for you to go was not clear. Another quote from another book resonated with me, in regards to Colette. This is from page 86 of Thomas Moore's book "Care Of The Soul"
"What does it mean, for instance, when an otherwise perfectly healthy relationship between two people is suddenly invaded by thoughts of separation? Does it mean the end of the realationship or does it suggest something deeper?"
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poem number 51. Jos
written (to Jocelyn) June, 1997


Bob, the tenor in our quartet (in The Music Man) was taking a new job, in Florida. This meant our quartet wouldn't be able to get together again. There was a big going-away party for him. I wrote a parody to the song, "Mame" to pay him a tribute, with "Bob" as the title and theme. After I finished and performed (at his party) this song, another inspiration struck. Jos played the piano and accompanied me as I sang this tribute to Bob. Then I thought, "how about a tribute to my dear friend Jos?"
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poem number 52. The Bookcase
written (to Colette) July, 1997


The day after I was told the Col had gone back to him (July 27, 1997), I was sitting on a bench in Swasey Parkway, just trying to read and accept the state of things. But I couldn't escape her imprint for long, this day. I was trying to read and focus on my book but there was a reference to a bookcase which just grabbed me and wouldn't let me go. It reminded me of a time when I was blessed with her presence and her wish to share with me seemed never-ending. One day, she visited and announced to me her delight at having won a bookcase in a raffle. I remember later, seeing it on her porch but I never offered to refinish it for her. I was too busy. Now, those sharing gestures were gone. I felt such loss and regret that I had failed to honor the gifts, to the extent they deserved when they were present.
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poem number 53. The Blessed Run
written (to me) August, 1997


I was so blessed to have running as a means of addressing my despair after her second rejection. It was such a help. And on one particular day, I was doubly blessed. I was finishing up a 7 mile run when a little blue car drove by me and pulled over in front of me. It was Jos. She got out and gave me a big hug. It felt like I'd crossed the finish line ahead of everybody and was the Grande Prize winner!
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poem number 54. Good Morning
written (to Jocelyn) September, 1997


I'd find a letter from Jos in my truck, quite often these days. She'd drop it off on her way to school and I'd find it on the seat when I went off to The Coffee Mill. One day, one of these (which, I had brought upstairs and placed on the table next to the bed) was the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes in the morning. I was struck by how my mood altered after seeing, in her handwriting, "good morning".
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poem number 55. By The River
written (to Jocelyn) September, 1997


Jos and I took a walk together, with my greyhound on Saturday morning. The next day, I walked the same course and was made aware of how the sights reminded me of the pleasure experienced yesterday while walking with my neighbor. There was joy in the world, I was being reminded.
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poem number 56. A Walk With Whitney
written (to Jocelyn) September, 1997


One day, when walking with my greyhound, I saw two people hug. It impressed me that my first reaction wasn't loss; having it remind me of Colette. My first reaction was being reminded of hugging Jocelyn. What a nice first reaction to have.
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poem number 57. Last Saturday Night
written (to Jocelyn) September, 1997


What a day! I was feeling so frustrated. My computers were misbehaving. The disks on which some poems were written weren't being opened. The messages said, "can't read data. Try again?" I was afraid some of my creations were currupted and lost. So, I went out for supper to McDonald's just to get away from the frustrations. I ate supper and planned to do a few errands afterwards but my truck then made a loud "clunk" noise when I turned the key. A storm had blown in and the wind was howling too. I finally got the engine started but I figured I better go straight home.

A mile from my apartment, I went though an intersection and there was a grey van sitting at the stop sign. It was Colette. I went through the intersection and she followed me. She was going to Jocelyn's house, so our routes were the same since I lived across the street. So, she was in my rear view mirror but not heading to my place.

As I pulled right, into my drive-way, she continued, beeped and turned left into Jos's drive. I felt so full of frustration. First the computers give me problems, then my truck makes a troublesome noise, then she's behind me but not as my "special someone"; just someone to beep at.

Then I remembered. Jos and I had taken a walk together this morning. Why not focus on that!

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poem number 58. Touching You
written (to Jocelyn) October, 1997


Jos was such a wonderful, supportive friend during all this time. Her hugs were so calming and encouraging. I'm so grateful that she touched my life and I got the opportunity to feel the warmth of her embrace.
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poem number 59. Wednesday Night
written (to Jocelyn) October, 1997


You'll have to ask Jocelyn for the story behind this poem.
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poem number 60. Autumn
written (to Jocelyn) October, 1997


The fall season of 1997 saw a wonderful display of foliage. The best that I ever remember seeing. I'm sure part of this observation was due to the fact that things had settled down in my soul. I was more at peace with things. A year ago there was no peace in my heart. This fall there was and I was reaping the benifits of this. The world looked nicer and more pleasant. This was wonderful to sense.
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poem number 61. The Smudge
written (to Jocelyn) October, 1997


One day I noticed a smudge on my glasses. This was the afteraffect of a hug with Jos. My first reaction was, "better clean it." Then I thought, "This represents such a gift--leave it be!"
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poem number 62. The Special Race
written July, 1998


A year ago I had been in the race at Col's school. She had shown up (to my surprise) to cheer me on. It was a wonderful day. A year later, she was not surprising me with any actual visits but she did visit via my memories. A year after this race, I was reminded of it and I was therefore inspired to write a tribute to the occasion.
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poem number 63. The Clean Bathroom
written August, 1998


This theme just hit me one day. 1998 was not a very creative year for poetry for me. This was the second of two that I wrote all year. The theme though, is poignant. Isn't it easy to really long for something and when we reach it just look to what's next. Isn't it easy to ignore the gratitude that is so available. But sometimes we need to remind ourselves of the presence of the gratitude. It is there and it is a great reward for our efforts if we focus on it. If we just let our first reaction guide us, it can be very habit forming to just say, "what's next?" I could have (should have) shown so much more gratefulness to Colette. I hope I never forget what this regret felt like. Having embraced fully, the gift which she was, would have been so much better to remember.
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poem number 64. Together Again
written April, 1999


This was my only poem written in 1999. I woke up from a dream in which we (Colette and me) were together discussing the possibility of a reunion. She finally announced, "Yes! Let's go for it!" The excitement of this new development was so great. Then I woke up. My state was then very blue. But after going outside for a walk, I saw a sight which filled me with delight. Two swans were sitting in the little pond that my greyhound and I walk around. Swans stir such feelings of wonder in me when I see them. They stir me to a state of intense pleasure. So, this sight seemed to be a gift from God. I woke up in a state of blueness but then I saw a sight which was a wonderful surprise: 2 swans. The experience then stirred this poem to be written.
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