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If
Peace Begins At Home
Copyright © 2006 by The
Reverend Ms. Robin F. Gray. All rights reserved.
Advent has begun. These are the days of waiting and preparation in the Christian calendar. The miracle of birth will end the waiting, and in the timeless cycles of myth and mystery Jesus will begin again from infancy to walk the path of growing and learning that will culminate in a short life of itinerant teaching. While Christian believers strain to hold the images of Jesus and his relationship to the divine before people, another Christmas season emerges with gelt and glitter. A radio station I won’t name is helping people to get in the Christmas spirit by giving away money. Tuning in the other day, I heard a woman who just won a one thousand dollar shopping spree squeal, “Oh, it will be the best Christmas ever.” And the DJ responded, ‘ere she drove out of sight, “That’s what we’re after the best Christmas ever.” Given that a recent survey shows that people who are shopping for Christmas presents are spending on average $713 each, I suppose a thousand dollars will help to create the best Christmas ever for some. That same radio station plays holiday music day and night this time of year, and amid the silly songs about a Christmas truce for Snoopy and the Red Baron, one song caught my attention for the kind of Christmas shopping it suggests: “As children we believed The grandest sight to see Was something lovely wrapped beneath the tree Well heaven surely knows That packages and bows Can never heal a hurting human soul.-- No more lives torn apart, Then wars would never start and time would heal the heart” Those words from a “Grown-Up Christmas List” create a contrast between the Christmas that’s made special by endless shopping and the Christmas that casts ribbons and bows aside in favor of real human need. This second Christmas List, the one that wishes wars would never start is the one that is closest to my heart this season. In this year, when the Unitarian Universalist Association has set itself, through its congregations, the goal of talking about peace it seems a fit beginning. In this season when there is so much emphasis on family and friends, and the emphasis on giving to family and friends is measured in dollars and cents -- then it seems a fitting time to ask what will happen if peacemaking replaces shopping as our consuming passion? If peace begins at home, it means that family and friends must have some outline to follow to create that peace around a common hearth. The Families Against Violence Advocacy Network (FAVAN) has developing a program that suggests the seven foundation actions that will help to create peaceable people. Some of the steps will sound familiar to you from the Unitarian Universalist Purposes and Principles. That, I believe, is proof that the principles arise from the deepest yearning of the human heart. Our yearnings, however, are not met by the simple act of wanting it to be so. The path to peace is not an easy one, and the practice of peacemaking will take concerted effort. FAVAN recognizes that we will need to work at becoming peacemakers and they have developed pledges for families and congregations to use as they work to become nonviolent people. Each pledge presumes that the congregation or family will make a serious effort over the course of a year to become more closely knit to the ways of non-violence. The first three promises - to respect self and others, to communicate better, and to listen - form the foundation for the final four. This morning we’ll have time only to consider these first three promises together. I invite you to consider talking with your family and in this congregation as the season progress. And, to include in your conversations the final four promises - to forgive, to respect nature, to recreate nonviolently, to be courageous. The promise to respect self and others, includes admonitions to avoid uncaring criticism, hateful words, physical attacks and self-destructive behavior. Respect isn’t just ‘liking who you are, and tolerating the other bloke.’ Respect requires a deep-seated affirmation of self, that allows us to look at our actions truthfully to assess whether they are indeed hurtful. Unfortunately, some of us grew up in houses where hateful words and criticism were passed off as ‘just the way we fight around here.’ The truth is that even without the horror of physical attacks, families can use nasty words that foster a lack of respect leading to self-destructive behaviors. The importance of beginning peacemaking with an attitude of respect that affirms the self and other cannot be overstressed. The building blocks of affirmation in families are time, loving attention, and appropriate verbal and physical affection. Without time, it is impossible to give one’s family the attention and affection they need. Without attention and affection, all the time in the world isn’t enough to create peacemakers. In the holiday season, it can be hard to find extra time. Yet, in an overall environment where affirmation is a part of the pattern of living, simple gestures can help to bridge the busy times. The famous Buddhist peacemaker, Thich Nhat Hanh, speaks of smiling as the most basic peacework. It is the first act of those who seek to give affection appropriately; and along with warm hugs, they can improve anyone’s ability to affirm themselves. The second promise pledging families and congregations offer each other is to communicate better -- to share feelings honestly, to look for safe ways to express anger, and to work at solving problems peacefully. There is no communication without sharing. The Latin root of the word ‘communication’ means to share. Parents can’t communicate with their children by talking to them, and never letting them share their thoughts. People in churches can communicate with each other unless they draw thoughts and feelings rooted deep in their own experience out into the open, and share them with one another. Sharing feelings honestly is never easy. Sometimes people use their feelings like a cudgel, “You hurt me. You’re a bad person.” Sometimes people curl around their feelings to hide their vulnerabilities from others. Sometimes people share their ‘good’ feelings and try to hide ‘bad’ feelings. The point about sharing feelings honestly is that one must learn to share all of one’s feelings with well-chosen words, thoroughly examined intentions and an attitude of openness. Sharing feelings honestly always should be a multi-lane highway, open to all members of the family or congregation. As cumbersome as it is to include all the members in the group in dynamic discussion of feelings, that should always be the goal. Anger is one of the emotions that can be shared honestly with others, if we take some time to learn how to do it well. Often we look for quick fixes, for ways to ‘burn off steam’ -- and sometimes forget that carefully chosen, loving words can vent anger just as successfully as kicking a ball. During the hectic holiday season many feelings rise to the surface. Some of them negative. Amid the joy of being with folks one hasn’t seen in a while come experiences that remind us of past difficulties. In our families and congregation, we sometimes set unreasonable standards for feeling happiness. We can expect ourselves to overflow with loving good wishes and to be full to the brim with the love that surrounds us. ‘Unreasonable expectations’ are just that; and the negative emotions that arise in the wake of feeling less loving or less loved than we think we should feel are extremely difficult to share. Yet, it is important not only to let go of too tall orders for warm-fuzzies, but, also to talk about the need for giving and receiving love that is woven into this season of high expectations. The third promise invites people to listen carefully to each another, especially those who disagree with oneself. There are ways to listen, and ways to avoid listening. The first approach to listening was outlined by the pundit who said, “Very few people have yet been able to perform the feat of keeping the mouth and the mind open at the same time.” We can avoid listening even with our mouths shut, if we’re always preparing our next brilliant response while someone else is talking. We can avoid listening, if we’re determined to prove that we are right and the other person is wrong. We can avoid listening if we are so enamored of our own perspective that we have no room for considering another person’s perspective. We can avoid listening if we cut off the conversation as soon as it begins to touch on emotions. In all those ways we can keep ourselves distant from others, and never consider someone else’s point of view. We can hold ourselves aloof from those who hold different opinions from our own, and cut ourselves off from the wealth of human experience that other people have to share. Respect. Communication. Listening. Three alternatives for the shopping culture. The best Christmas ever may only cost one thousand dollars. Peace is priceless. |
