ME

Why bold, italic, and underlined... cause damnit.. im special.

Welcome. This Area is all dedicated to me.. sure, you can make a page with this background, this same feel, entitled me in bold, italics, and underlined. But it still wont be special like I am. Well damn... I've gotten this far and don't know where to start. I just finished my junior year in highschool and have a whole summer ahead of me. Its not much of a vacation though. Im gonna swim from 6-8 in the morning, goto work at 9:00 am, then if they need me, I have a rehearsel for summer theatre. I'm hoping to get in shape from swimming, god knows I could use it. Work is ok... its minumum wage right now... but Its not a pain in the ass like working in a retail store where everyone herrasses you. Theatre... im doing it right now cause I feel somewhat obligated. I got casted as the crocodile, and I can lie and play the part of the "oh im just happy to get in, i dont care what part I get, my passion for theatre leads me to no dissapointment" but this is my world here damnit. I can say how i really feel for once in my life. I have maybe 5 days of reheasel, which will include mostly sitting around. Since I DO love theatre.. getting this part dissapoints me. I want to sing, dance, act, and hang around with the cast. Right now... i dont really feel like i am part of the cast (grouped with them that is.. i've never really felt part of any cast... maybe in joseph a little bit). Whatever... I can admit I barely worked on my tryout and should feel lucky to be the crocodile. People have been trying to hype it up to me as a cool part... I'll have to convince my self the same so I can get the energy to do a good job with it. Your probably wondering a little bit about the comment "ive never felt a part of any cast". I'll try to explain it... i've been doing theatre now for almost 2 years at niles west. Out of it.. I can honestly say I've come out with maybe 50 people who know who I am. 48 of which can spell my name correctly (you know who you are... my name is not Scot Stevens... get phonics). 12 who make any effort to even say as little as hello to me. 8 who are somewhat freinds, and 0 close freinds. Jeesus... Just looking at these statistics make me wonder if im a completely arrogant, non-carring, ugly, annoying, asshole. I've never been called any of these things directly... im usualy called "nice guy, sweetie, and kind". I'll have to admit.. 90% of the time its before they ask me a favor, 5% after they ask the favor. Theres a 5% left for a couple of people who I know honestly mean it. I'll have to admit though... it's not all their fault... I like the small amount of attention so I usualy end up agreeing to help out. It sort of makes me feel a little fake though. Im called a nice guy, when all im really doing is taking advantage of situations to get attention. Then again... im probably no more guilty then the next. Thats why im somewhat sad about my sister driving.. she was a small link for me to the real world. She has freinds... while i don't. Driving her and her freinds is a small link to the real world for me. Me and her freinds, yes, her freinds pretend to be freindly. But honestly... they dont care all that much about me. soon as they no longer need me to drive them around... its goodbye. I guess thats the penalty for lack of personality, humor, and looks. Ive always felt stuck somewhere by myself. Most guys I know.. for lack of a better word are assholes. (flame me later about judging an entire group, or how its ME not them). Girls, I feel more comfortable talking to. They dont mind talking to me either... but hanging with me? thats a no. (girls feel if they ask a guy to hang, the guy is going to automaticaly think the girl likes him (which is partly true). and the same goes for the guy asking the same of a girl). take in account this is just one theory of mine... part of it out of the possible arrogance to think anyone would want to hang out with me... and part of it is my own insecurity. I guess part of the problem is that I probably would wish the girl wanted to be more then freinds (depending on who it is). either its true or not... i really can't decide. As you read this... take in account the fact that im not sure of much of anything. I really dont understand why i am the way i am, why people see me the way they do, and i dont really understand who I am. I have trouble deciding why people want to have nothing to do with me... or if i come off as not wanting to have anything to do with them. (this entire paper has no order.. its sort of stream of thought... this is for me, not you... so dont criticise me if theres no order or meaning). Heres some things I feel are true.. but people might consider me an ass for saying. be warned. The thing I can't stand most in life, is other peoples expectations. I feel its true... that 80% of the girls at my school like 10% of the guys. They all fight, scratch, and crawl to get their chance with the "asshole". A guy will go out with 10 girls, treat them all like shit, and still have girls waiting in line. Its all about image. Girls want the most popular boyfriend. Screw happiness, or a guy that will treat you right. They want a guy that all the girls will say "damn he's fine" when they meet him. I dont exactly have that cool image, and im not exactly the best looking guy around. I dont think im that bad.. i've dated all of twice in highschool. 1 of which i dont even count. I dunno why i care... If i honestly thought i was that great a catch.. i would just have to say.. they're loss.. I guess it's kinda sad that i'd have to be the runner up anyways. Nothing would suck more then being told i was someone special... when really I was the 2nd or 3rd choice after popular guy #1 and #2. Its gotten to the point where if i were to see the perfect girl for me, nothing would happen because it would be so hard to believe some girl would like just me. Err doh.. im looking at this... realizing its too long... and just scratches the surface of who i am... im going to end it here (as though anyone is reading this lalala). Look for my regular rambles on here every so often. I plan on just writing whatever bothers me on this. No specific format.. just a link with the date its written. (if you wanted more... sorry, but its been like an hour and a half already... and i could probably go on for days on everything thats passing through my mind at this point in my life). lastly... if you know me in real life... and somehow stumbled here... dont approach me and ask me about anything from this site. If you somehow understand me... just try talking to me for a change. I hate when people I barely know barrage me with a bunch of personal questions.