Where to start?
I actually started with myself (what an ego, eh?). The first thing I got was the tiara. I bought it on Ebay from a very nice lady named Marisa (riscreations) for about $32. She works out of San Jose, so I met and picked it up, saving on the shipping. The veil came next. I picked up a roll of 1/4" white ribbon ($2.50) and a huge chunk of bridal tulle ($3), and patiently sewed the ribbon onto the tulle. I got a 5-pack of clear plastic combs from Michael's for $3 and heavy white thread ($2), did a gather and sewed the tulle onto the comb. I later changed my mind about the ribbon and ended up buying a DIY veil with a pencil-edge trim. It had a thin thread which allowed you to gather it up (you can do this yourself with a machine set on a long stitch setting), and I sewed that one onto another comb. At this time I still haven't decided which one I'm going to wear.
Next came shoes. I have metatarsal troubles, and heels of any height over 1" can be a problem. I never know if my next step will suddenly send shooting pains all over my right foot. I bought a pair of honest-to-god dancing shoes from elandanse.com. The proprietor, Sean Christopher, was very patient with me and got me all set up. The shoes ended up costing about $145, but they will be comfortable all day and they really are beautiful.
Gowns. Oy, such a pain. I have, as one might gently term it, "special needs," meaning I have a monster scar on my chest and shoulders I need to cover up, but I didn't want the victorian choke-your-neck look. I have a shortish waist and wanted to look long and (ideally, however impossible it might be) delicate up top, so a basque waist was probably best. I also have very big shoulders and tend to wear size 12-14 (street clothes) on the top half and a 10-12 from the waist down, so getting a correct fit out of 1 dress can be a challenge. Lastly, the type of gown I wanted was out of style. The bulk of gowns these days have spaghetti straps or are strapless. So with that challenge I went to about 5 or 6 stores. The smaller shops had absolutely nothing for me to try on. The superstores would typically have about 4 or 5 gowns that met my initial desires, but none met all my needs at once - too low cut, the basque waist was too high, skirt too poofy, etc.
I finally determined that a custom dress would be the best way to go. I visited a nice lady in Oakland and learned that it was going to be $1000 for a most basic, undecorative dress. After some web research and email inquiries I learned that $1000 was a pretty typical low end.
< start rant >
Now, certainly, the wedding day is a day like no other in one's life. However, it's only one bloody day, for $DEITY's sake. I don't consider myself so special that I "deserve" to have the very best, especially if it simply ain't worth it. The wedding gown industry is labor intensive, so after a woman tries on more than 3 gowns, the sales staff starts telling her how beautiful she looks in an attempt to get it over with and make the sale. The wedding industry in general is very strange and I feel sorry for women who are less secure, less self-confident and start believing the spiel. It's an industry that digs up old traditions from every part of the world, and creates new ones, to sustain and grow itself. Rice does not harm birds - everyone knows they eat seeds and grains for a living. That myth was created so we should buy wedding bubbles for $7 instead of letting people throw huge amounts of rice that costs 30 cents a pound. Groom's cake - why? No one looks at it, it's too small to give to everyone, and it doesn't sound all that appetizing anyway. A throwaway bouquet? I like flowers, sure, buy why should I want to keep one particular bunch of dried flowers forever?
Believe me, this wedding was full blown, and it cost about $13,000 for 64 people (bridal party included). Church ceremony, proper invitations, photos, reception in a restaurant with a dinner-sized meal, open bar, entertainment, hotel rooms for 5 parties, etc. It would cost less if mom was less elaborate with the flowers and didn't require a church. Who says a wedding costs $20K?
< end rant >
Anyway, I was planning to drive down to San Jose and find a charming Vietnamese woman on a green card with 20 years' experience in clothes design who was struggling to make ends meet in the Silicon Valley and would make a gown for cheap. It never happened. We stopped in at a little Chinese-run store that rents wedding and evening gowns and does photography. (I learned later that poorer and even middle class couples in Asia will rent all the getup, take some nice pictures with a backdrop of someplace fancy, and have done with it. Very practical.) We showed them pictures of gowns I'd found on the internet that had some of the qualities I wanted, drew lots of pictures, and they said they could do it. For cheap. I gave them $400 of alencon lace and silk dupioni, organza and habotai. They charged me $412 to design it and put it together. The woman here designs the dress, sends the design to China, where they do the actual sewing labor.
At this point I have a fabulously lacy/pearly/sequiny, basque-waisted, long sleeved, all-silk gown with a chapel train, a neckline that just covers the monster scar and makes me look great. They added one nice touch I didn't ask for: a little lace on the ends of the ribbon on the back. But I won't lie and say it was perfect the day I saw it the first time. The sleeves were too short, and the openwork lace on the train - well, the placement of the lace was straight and correct, but the dupioni behind it was asymetrical. Finally, one armhole is slightly larger than the other. To state it rudely, their manufacturers have been working too hard, or drinking too much, or both. On the other hand, this was probably the most complicated work they'd ever encountered. Other downsides: it took a lot longer than expected, and communication with the store was not easy. On the upside, they fixed everything without a single moment of fuss or protest. Everything except the armhole, which I didn't point out to them because I don't think it's all that visible. Overall, I'd have to say I'm a pretty happy customer.
As for the foundation underneath all that, after looking at bustiers that didn't boost and strapless bras that gave me a great looking pair of breasts aligned a few inches above my navel, I settled on a corset ($70) from a kinkwear store. The extra boning, and the higher sides and back really helped to bring everything up, which lengthens my short waist. I was worried it might show under the gown, but it didn't. (Bringing a wedding gown into a kinkwear store strikes me as, well, kind of funny, but the salesgirl was great and even told me the gown was lovely. I guess it was more interesting than the guy who came in and bored her to death.) It's satin and a bit warmer than I'd like it to be, but the lace-up back will hopefully keep me from roasting.
The reception. I went to our favorite classy restaurant and asked. Kaveh said yes, they could certainly accomodate a reception, and we could choose what items from the menu we wanted to serve and he would charge an 18% gratuity on top of the meal cost. He usually charges a room fee for less than 100 people, but since we wanted items from the dinner menu rather than their standard "bulk" menu, he determined he would make enough money and waived it. He's very easygoing and accomodating, and if there was something he couldn't do, he made his preference known.
I checked out Craigslist for a photographer and found this great guy, an econ student at Stanford, whose website had some pretty good pictures and who was going to charge me a true student price.
After hashing it out with mom, I finally yielded and started looking for a church. The first place we tried was on the Notre Dame de Namur university campus. They have a rather large modern-looking church there, and a small building that is a former church of a twenties or thirties style. It's presently a meeting room called Taube Hall, and it's very pretty on the outside and rather plain inside. However, the woman in charge of renting halls was quite a space cadet, and it took weeks and several follow-up emails to find out that the church could not be rented and Taube cost $600. I asked many questions which she simply never answered. I finally asked if she could meet us down at Taube and she never replied.
We drove around the area looking for churches. I don't really like the modern style of churches in this area - a long, low building with straight windowless walls and a roof that slants up toward the altar end. I really liked the looks of Taube - a little ornate out front, open beams inside, vertical windows. Our local Episcopal church was extremely beautiful inside and out, ornate inside as an old Catholic church, but the rules were tight, the people snotty and the price a whopping $2000. We finally found the Community United Church which, though looking more like a mission on the outside, was like Taube inside but with stained glass windows. It's a little austere inside but has a great pipe organ. Best of all, the people were great - very friendly and welcoming.
The cake was the one place we weren't going to compromise on and would pay whatever price was charged. Copenhagen Bakery is well known here for its pastries and we had no doubt their cake would be just as good. The price was not unreasonable: $400 for a 3 tier cake (8/10/14, I think) with whipped cream & raspberry filling, and white chocolate frosting. The sample tasted great, the white chocolate flavor very strong and distinct.