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Walpole Times, June 5, 2003

Who Wrote That Book?

Browsing in a bookstore is a risky activity. Primarily, for me, the risk involves making decisions about buying or not buying a particular book. The risk concerns the investment that I will make.

Curiously, the investment is both time and money. The cost of the book is one thing; the cost of my time is the larger and more substantial part of the risk.

What if I read several chapters of the book and become bored or disenchanted with the writing? What if I read all the way through the book and find the writing totally without value - and become angry at wasting my time and energy hoping that the writing will improve? The cost to purchase the book is trivial compared to my annoyance at reading poor writing.

Even with books written by an author with great credentials and reputation, there is a risk. Not all authors and writers are so consistent as to publish quality material time after time. Our tragic humanity pervades us all. Sequels to novels are high risk. The very idea that an author has set down purposefully to write the continuation of a story previously published is a tricky one. It may or may not be authentic or just an attempt to publish more.

What then is my strategy by which I try to minimize the risks inherent in selecting a book to read? How do I go about building a quality home library?

    Authorship

The single most important part of his strategy is to know the author. For instance, having read three novels by Anna Quindlen, and having enjoyed the quality of her writing, I would be drawn immediately to any new book she had published.

In contrast, in examining a book that is written to espouse a point of view based on objective data, it is critical to know the background of the author and the ways in which that writer performed diligent research as a means of proving a particular point. Non-fiction books are very risky in this regard. I check the bibliography to discern the scope and quality of the material the author used as references. I note carefully the use of footnotes and their relationship to the bibliography. I believe a measure of the competence of the author is in the scrutiny what the author has read.

Sometimes I come across a book that is the first work of a new author. The problem here is that I have no background or base from which to decide on its merits. What helps here is to find a reference to the book from another source - another author or critic who has read and reviewed the material is helpful.

    Reviews

Scanning the `bestseller' list can be as risky as just picking out a book at random. Some books are highly touted by the publisher and the public relations group working for the author. Initial sales can put a new book on the charts for a few weeks and draw even more buyers to the book.

At this point, however, the book browser is not edified by the mere appearance of the book on the charts. Time is necessary to allow for a variety of readers collectively to review the book.

This, if a book remains on the `bestseller' list for a protracted time and continues to draw readership, there is evident testimony to the quality or value of the book.

    Peer References

“What are you reading these days?” This is a great way to start a conversation and a great way for friends and acquaintances to share their insight into good reading. The insight gained here is often more valuable than the critical and touted reviews in literary journals.

Your peers can offer more relative and relevant commentary on good reading than the academics and their peers.

Recommendations

So, in that regard, here are a few choices for good summer reading.

Enjoy.

    Blessings, by Anna Quindlen

    Epidemic, by Meg Meeker, M.D.

    The Blank Slate, by Steven Pinker

    Lucky, by Alice Sebold

Walpole Times, May 7, 2003
What to Get?

There are many ways to say ` Happy Mothers Day'!

And, yet, each year, folks struggle a bit - if we are honest - to do the right thing and honor our Mothers in the right spirit and with the appropriate gift. Did our thoughts and actions last year seem to be received in the spirit with which it was given? Were we doing what we thought best or were we trying to do what we thought our Mothers would appreciate best?

Isn't that the real tension in gift giving? How do we find a gift that expresses our feelings and will be received with similar but different feelings?

Perhaps a gift itself might not be the best way of extending our appreciation and recognition for all that mothers are for us. Here's a thought for the Day and this year.

Take a moment or two to think back about your relationship with and to your Mother. Even if your Mother is deceased, it can be a beneficial moment to remember her in a special way. Our relationships with one another comprise the most critical aspects of our lives. If there is tension between two people, if there is a strained relationship, if people have stopped being open and frank in their relationships, then there is a backdrop that affects almost every other activity in our lives. It is hard, if not impossible, to be focused and undistracted in our vocation and career and leisure with the burden of fractured relationships.

How do we remember the days when our Mothers nurtured us as youngsters and adolescents, seeking independence and needing support and comfort? How do we remember those days when our Mothers were prodding us to work harder and to improve ourselves in many small and detailed ways?

Do we remember the times when we were discouraged and were inspired by our Mothers to put our frustrations aside and to move on to other challenges? Do we remember the times when our Mothers could relay to us her memories of her Mother comforting her?

It is a great memory when our Mothers can describe for us the past joys she had in growing up.

But, some people may have other memories. There may be unfulfilled expectations as to how your Mother reacted to certain events in your life. For every warm and tender moment, there are a set of other life experiences that are tinged with anger and disapproval. Our honest recollections need to be distilled with care and felicity.

A gift of roses or a gift certificate to a fine restaurant can be a rewarding way to acknowledge our Mother. A carefully selected greeting card with a tender phrase of your own written on the card can be good.

Yet, if there are some unresolved memories of the past, it could be best to sit down and work them out. Your present relationship to your Mother is as important as anything else on your list of priorities.

On this Mother's day, there is the other dimension. How do Mothers look forward to this Day? What are their expectations as their children and/or spouses struggle to do the right thing?

Yes, if relationships are critical and necessary to the well being of us all, then all of us need to participate in the reflection and the renewal process. The balance in a good relationship depends upon the intentions of both participants. It is hard to achieve a loving and caring and compassionate relationship when the attitudes one has for the other are unrequited.

As we look back to our youth and reflect on the ways that our mothers provided direction and love to us, we hope that our mothers will also look back to that time when they taught us and cared for us.

Those memories work well in both directions. It could also be a great way to start a new tradition.

On Mothers' Day, you could talk with your Mother and engage her in an extended conversation. Ask her what it was like bringing you home from the hospital after giving birth? Ask your Mother what it was like when you were able to complete a sentence and speak your mind clearly. Ask your Mother how she felt when you trudged off to school and spent a whole half-day away from home and her care.

Ask your Mother what she felt when you came home from school with a terrific report card. Ask your Mother how she felt when you ripped those new jeans falling out of the tree you hastily climbed.

Conjure up some good events and memories and some bitter moments. Your Mother then might ask you to describe your reaction to her discipline and criticism in order to help you improve in many ways.

This extended conversation is a way to share the relationship from both perspectives.

A gift of a renewed relationship is the gift of your life.

Anna Quindlen writes about Mothers in her latest novel, `Blessings'. Quindlen has the male protagonist, caring for an abandoned child, explain his concept of motherhood. He says that “ … You get to be the mother by changing her and giving her a bath and walking around in the middle of the night and loving her and making her feel like everything's all right. That's how you get to be the mother. That's what being the mother is…”

Walpole Times, April 24, 2003

Coincidence and Resonance

The month of April is fraught with marker events. Students and teachers look ahead to the break from school that typically occurs in mid-month. Also, as in this year, the annual trek from Hopkinton to Copley Square, otherwise known as the Boston marathon, coincides with the public school spring break. It is hard to imagine a more significant tradition in Boston than the celebration of the running of the marathon. The participants and the spectators are all involved in differing ways.

For some, marathon day is also a holiday from work. Thus, this year the Patriots Day holiday, the running of the marathon and the beginning of school vacation all coincided to resonate with the separate desires and needs of different people.

But, there are more marker events in April than what appears on generic calendars and planners. For several generations back, April was the most popular month for weddings. Coming out of the New England winters and the advent of spring and potential for symbols of new life, it was a time to celebrate marriage and its promise for the future.

Church weddings were often planned to take place right after the Easter celebrations and before the college reunions and commencements and other celebrations that were targeted for the month of May. Isn't your schedule already full for the month of May?

You perhaps may know of wedding anniversaries in your own families that occur in April. My parents and my wife's parents both have wedding anniversaries in that month.

And, more poignant to this reflection, April 27 is the fortieth anniversary of my wedding. For the last few weeks I have been busy about my rather haphazard life and wondering why I have been a little distracted without any conscious realization as to the reason.

It is clearer this week what these distractions have been about. Not only is April 27th my anniversary, but also it is the 12th anniversary of my son's wedding. Indeed, for me, it is another coincidence and resonance. For the memories I have of officiating at that wedding are complex.

Here's the story. In 1991, my son and his fiancée, Amy, had planned a spring wedding. They decided to find a location for the wedding that would be fairly convenient for both families. Our family would be coming from the Boston area. Amy's family would be driving from Armonk, New York. So, they looked around in the western part of Massachusetts and settled on a quaint little inn.

Having found the place, they settled on a date that was available in April - our own anniversary.

And, thus, we planned the proper ceremony and ritual and the logistics for celebrating the first wedding of my children. The weather did contribute all too well. The pictures still stand out as testimony to the great joy and happiness that was evident throughout the day and the succeeding weeks.

We did not know then that my wife's illness would result in her death just five weeks later.

Yes, I celebrate the fortieth anniversary and the 12th anniversary for coincident reasons and for resonating reasons. And, another anniversary of sorts adds another dimension to the story.

Some thirty years ago, the church of Boston introduced a change in the structure and the governance area of the church. There would be a new slant on ordained ministry. Cardinal Medeiros announced the beginning of the Permanent Diaconate program.

The change, historic and paradigmatic for the future, was that married men would be eligible for ordination to ministry in the church. Roman Catholic clergy would now welcome non-celibates to officiate at weddings, baptize, assist at liturgies, and preside at funerals. This history began in Boston in 1973 and continues to reshape the church this very day. Thirty per cent of the clergy serving in parishes in Boston are married deacons.

Being open to such innovations, my wife and I pursued this program. Not without much soul searching as to the practical advisability of making a commitment to an indeterminate future, we did open our lives to the unknown. We stepped forth and became part of the program. I was ordained in May of 1976 and have been serving the church in this new ministry for the last 27 years.

I resonate today with the thought that I have had the opportunity and privilege to officiate at the marriages of two of my sons and my daughter.

And, now, widowed, I have the time and energy to devote my life to the church and community in an enlarged sense.

Yet, the month of April will always bring about a plethora of memories and feelings and disjointed expectations. I wonder about the vicissitudes of life. How can anyone plan a future without a small sense of guarantee that the road ahead will be predictable?

We have no guarantees about today, let alone tomorrow.

Anniversaries are the personal marker events that contribute to a full appreciation of our past and the present leading to our future. I hope your anniversaries resonate well.

Walpole Times, March 13, 2003

Questions without Answers

“I have a question.” The child looked up at me and began to point at the object of her question and to blurt out her query.

“What do you do with that”, she said. We were in the back of the church and she was with her mother and me as we put things away after our Ash Wednesday service.

Always grateful for questions, I responded with as much clarity as I could muster and tried to satisfy her latent curiosity. Then, smiling, she turned and pointed over my shoulder. “What's that door for”, she inquired?

Smiling myself, I led her over to the door and showed her that it merely led to the outside - our back door to the church.

These little moments with children are warm and engaging moments for me. I love it when the little ones step up to ask questions. They are curious and fascinated and eager to know more. Thus, we lock on to that moment. The experience, spontaneous, is more efficacious than any tedious lecture I could give.

Yet, at times, adults will stop me in my tracks with questions of far more import and decided substance - nearly always with the result that I do not have clear and profound answers. Knowing of my experience as parent, grandparent, writer, and minister in the church, many adults come to me with questions that touch the sensitive part of life that most often is intractable.

For example, at times, I am asked for my advice on how parents can interact effectively with teenagers. I often stop them in their tracks with this somewhat bold statement.

“It starts in the highchair!”

And, then, I usually spend some time offering up my theory that youngsters are eager at an early age for their parents and other adults to respond to them. In the high chair, or in a parent's lap, infants may not yet have verbal skills. Yet, they raise questions with symbolic action. The might tug away at your ear or eyeglasses. They might toss a cup of water on the floor. They grab your attention and learn how you will respond to them. Quickly over the first few months of life, they learn who you are to them and how you will be listening to them and how you will communicate with them.

When they mature a bit and develop verbal skills, asking questions that can be easily answered, they also learn about your patience to give them information or direction. They also learn what topics are comfortable for you to address and, perhaps, what topics you would rather pass off to someone else.

As the children move on in life and enter the social world of school and athletics and such, they learn from many adults and from their peers about things. Their curiosity never flags or wanes. Their need for information never dissipates. They constantly seek answers to their concerns about their identity and their relationship to their peers and their family and strangers.

Children seek independence as they seek to be comforted by adults who can offer them protection from an uncertain world. This is the tension that arises in adolescence as they take risks with certain activities in order to determine for themselves the expected or unexpected outcome.

In this journey that is marked by curiosity, questions and answers, and continuing dialogue with their parents, it becomes increasingly important for parents to be as responsive to their `teens as they were to their infants sitting in their lap. The continuity of question and stimulus and response becomes critical.

For whatever reasons, lack of time or overall fatigue or impatience, when parents begin to cut short the dialogue, the message is given and received - let's seek others who might take time to respond to my questions.

So, yes, the current tension or struggles that some have may - and I stress may - have begun many years earlier in the parent/child early game of question and answer.

Perhaps you can think back to a time when your children were insatiably inquisitive - probing the world around them with questions after questions. How were you reacting and continuing to react? What issues did they raise that were more difficult to answer than others?

In this time of great peril, we are all faced with our questions about handling aggression. Should we as a nation seek to resolve conflicts with force? Should force always be met with force?

It often helps to answer our questions of this magnitude by seeing how we respond when we are in a conflict with another?

When your youngster comes running in the house and complains that his friend next door just pushed him down and was `being mean', what advice do you give your child?

Our interactions with each other and the advice we give our children are indicative of our deepest convictions.

We face daily intractable questions and concerns. We do have the experience of life from which to move forward.

Remember H. L. Mencken, who said,” …For every complicated problem, there is one solution that is simple, brief, and wrong…”

Walpole Times, February 27, 2003

To Comfort and be Comforted

Tragedy seems to be more visible to our eyes this century than ever before. How can we make sense of the sundry disasters that have swept over our visage these last two years?

We still ache in our hearts over the tremendous shock that occurred in our country on September 11, 2001. Today we bleed all the more when we read of the death of a young woman who was the victim of a tragic mistake made while receiving an organ transplant. We cried and looked for consolation when hearing of the horrible loss of life in the recent fire in West Warwick, Rhode Island.

As the country and the world continue to find the right strategy to secure peace in the midst of violence, we awake each day with anxious moments in our hearts and minds. Are we on the edge of self-destruction, or are we at a near climactic moment in world history? Where do we find “Good News”?

However we answer that query, it is clear that we all are in need of comfort and the need to offer comfort. Amid the stories of pain and grief, there are always concomitant stories of courage and heroic acts. People entrusted to public safety arise to unexpected levels of bravery when confronted with disaster.

And, what is needed most in times of crisis and difficulty is the arm of friendship that can support an individual and a nation. Here is an example for us all.

After the cataclysmic event of September 11, 2001, many individuals offered written statements of comfort and consolation. Some statements were offered in the spirit of friendship and international bonding. The following is a poem that I read at the time and continue to reread in light of the continuing tragedies that manifest themselves in our ordinary and daily existence. Time can be a healer and a forgiver of pain. But pain is never completely eliminated from the memory of the event.

From Cork to New York

by Noel Magnier

        Though three thousand miles away in Cork
        We feel your pain oh New York, New York
        We too saw the planes and life can never
                       be the same again
        Big Apple with your generous heart
        What demonic evil ripped you apart.

        What have they done to your beautiful people
        Why have they blown away your steeple
        Your Twin Towers of prosperity and commerce
        A symbol of the dream and promise
        That guarantee of freedom and a bright tomorrow
        Now a tangled tomb of sorrow

        O God they have cut you to the core
        Our sons and daughters gone - no more
        Why oh why with Liberty's arms that open wide
        To welcome millions on your prosperity wide
        Towers of Babel from every nation
        Every colour class and creed sought succor in
                       your emancipation

        From the famine fields of Ireland you took us to
                       your heart
        We are as one now never shall we part
        We share your hurt, your pain, your sorrow
        Shoulder to shoulder no we face tomorrow

        It wont be easy but we must start
        And let all the world feel the pulse of a great
                       nations heart
        And to the Enemy, that took our darling's lives away
        Tremble, for freedom will surely have its day
        For we will remember, yes we will, forever
        2001, the eleventh day of September.

One night, about a year ago, as I was enjoying a meal at Finnegan's Wake, Tom Kirwan gave me the poem. Tom was anxious that others understand the great empathy and compassion that folks in other parts of the world have for our country. In this light, I share this poem with all of you.

What can we do for the grieving family who lost their teenage daughter as a result of a series of errors in performing an organ transplant? What can we do to assuage the grief and sadness of the families whose members died in the fire in West Warwick last week?

What should we do on any occasion of sadness and shock? We can and should reflect first on our own mortality and gifts of life. We can and should live each day and each moment as the most important day and moment of our life journey.

Finally, I want to express my appreciation to the folks at the Wake who, in their manner of serving meals and a libation or two, serve the whole community with friendship and genuine concern.


Walpole Times, February 13, 2003

And What of Saint Valentine's Day?

Well, today is not Friday the thirteenth. Folks who tremble when Friday the 13th arrives can relax. It will not arrive again until June. But, tomorrow is the 14th of February and one of the busiest days of the year for florist shops and one of the days when greeting cards are sold in huge quantities. Perhaps you have already sent your greeting card to your special Valentine. Perhaps, tomorrow you planned a very special occasion for you and your Valentine to celebrate the many years you have shared a common life.

How long have we heard the advertisements on the radio reminding us that we need to invest in a very special gift for that special Valentine of ours? I ask. What motivates us as a culture to be entrapped in such an environment that provides pressure to acknowledge the singular person in our lives with material gifts as the proper way to acknowledge that person?

Further, what if there is not a very special person in our lives who defines for us - `Valentine'? Are we then outside the circle of the popular and the normal?

It seems that, more and more, certain days of the year are celebrated in such a way as to marginalize those who do not fit neatly into certain categories. Certainly, for many, Valentine's Day evokes memories of past romances and inspires new romances and affirms the continuing relationship of a couple. But, for those who lead very different lives in which there is no `special' person and romance with another is not a part of the rhythm of their lives, the continuing rhetoric around the Day can be marginalizing.

Moreover, in a larger sense and context, this is an example of the way that we often respect certain people and disrespect others. Our ability as a culture to accept others for who they are and what they are is always at risk. The world is not homogenous and monolithic as created or evolved.

How do you react to another person who has a very different point of view from yours? Do you have an immediate response out of your emotions? Do you pause and absorb the impact of the opposing point of view and try to see its validity? Does that opposing point of view prompt you to have a diminished respect for the individual? Or, perhaps that point of view can challenge your assumptions and your own position.

The terrible crisis and struggle against terrorism and violence in so many parts of the world has invited us to take strong positions about the strategy our country should employ in dealing with these crises. It is almost a metaphor for determining our allegiance for political leaders of our country.

If we feel deeply and with moral certitude, as we define moral certitude, that there is just one approach to this set of crises, how can we respect others who have differing thoughts and deeply felt positions that they believe are grounded in moral certitude? Is there a monopoly on evaluating moral certitude?

Is there room for ambiguity in the debate around the morality of war and the abiding search for a peaceful settlement to contentious issues?

The debate will continue as long as there are people in the world. Unanimity on moral issues is not to be found.

But, again, as we understand the forces around the celebration of St. Valentine's Day, and the consequences of assuming that all normal folk are entranced by the need and obligation to celebrate this day, we might look at similar forces that work at convincing everyone to accept one moral choice.

I suggest that the conclusions we make about moral choices, peace or war, are guided by the definitions and assumptions we make in the beginning. Some will begin by making an assumption that war is never a choice that has a positive result and that the search for non-violence is the ultimate goal in all conflicts. Others will begin with a self-preservation set of principles that argue that the physical encounters and struggles are best resolved with strong retaliation.

Given such mutually exclusive and contrary beginning principles, these two groups will never be able to agree on one approach.

The historical struggle has been and will be to minimize the impact of violence on our lives. We do it in our family situations; we do it in our neighborhoods; we do it in our country; and we need to do it in our relationships with other countries.

The crucial puzzle is to allow for disagreement without being disagreeable.

Walpole Times, January 30, 2003
Should we say `Yes'; will they say `Yes'?

I love to look back a few years and remind myself of the beauty of life - with puzzles and confusion and resolution. A remarkable confluence of events took place some thirty years ago. The more I think about why we did what we did, the more I wonder why. We made the right decision without knowing all that we know now. We moved ahead on instinct and emotion - realizing that logic was not on our side.

Here's the story. In 1973, my wife (Pat) and I were in the struggle that so many parents faced. Our supper table was a near disaster. Our youngest, Sue, was just over celebrating her fourth birthday. Her brother, Pete, who assumed the role of stand-up comic in the family, was approaching his sixth birthday. Tim, our curmudgeon and challenge, was himself just over his 7th birthday. And, yes, our oldest, Matt, was looking ahead to his ninth birthday. The kitchen table was full.

Indeed, with four youngsters clamoring for attention from two beleaguered parents, the supper hour was a frantic attempt at nurture and survival. Thence, after the meal, there was the obligatory wash and story and bedtime

My fondest memory of those days was `story hour'. After we dried the kids off from their nightly bath, and they were suitably attired in pajamas, we took turns reading bedtime stories to them. Who can ever forget `Clifford the Big Red Dog'? Or, how about the many Dr. Seuss rambling stories? Collecting the kids on the couch and reading aloud to them was a final moment to the day.

Then, walking back to the kitchen, I would say to Pat, `did we really have supper?”

Life was a fast paced exercise in patience and energy. Did we have enough of both?

We would soon be tested on both accounts. In the spring of 1973, the church of Boston announced a new program. Well, it was more than a new program. The announcement was an historic one. Cardinal Medeiros brought about the restoration of an order of ministry in the church - the Permanent Diaconate. That is, men married or not would be admitted to a program of studies leading to the reception of Holy Orders - and the existence thereby of a married clergy in the Roman Catholic Church.

Pat and I were aware of the possibility that this new order of ministry was being introduced around the country - diocese by diocese. We had read a little about the history and the emergence of this innovation into the contemporary church. But, we knew precious little about how it would affect the Church in Boston.

With a little bit of curiosity and a lot of trepidation, we went to a meeting to hear about the program. We were intrigued; we were tempted and we were puzzled. How could people begin a new adventure that had been dormant for centuries? Who in their right mind would sign up for a program without knowing what was lying ahead?

We signed up. We signed up to investigate further. Little did we realize how that first step into the unknown led to the indistinct future of wonder and surprise.

Over the next few months, we filled out forms, took IQ tests, were interviewed by priests, and were investigated to determine our fitness and readiness to serve.

Now, we sat back and waited for the church to make their decision. Over one hundred and forty men were applying to be admitted to the first class. Forty would be chosen. Just as with high school students awaiting those letters, we ran to the mailbox to see what would be there.

Now, a new invitation and challenge arose. While in this waiting mode, we were invited by a friend of ours to consider the following little problem. It seems that a brother and sister, living with their relatives, were attending the public schools in Norwood. Their mother and father were living in Dorchester. The relatives were moving out of Norwood. The concern was to help these two kids continue their public schooling in Norwood.

Could we help by providing a `home' during the week for the young girl who would be a sophomore at Norwood in the fall? Did we have the space and inclination to invite a stranger into our home and to have an instant teenager in our midst?

Clearly, logic should rule. We were already tight on bedroom space with three boys and a girl and two bedrooms. Bunk beds were already in use. Another seat at the table was ok. Another bed was not ok. What to do? Logic never completely dominated our decision process.

We talked with the kids; we prayed; and we thought long and hard. This was a big undertaking - but it was important. The young girl came from a different culture; her mother worked two jobs to keep the family together. The young girl's dad was dying of cancer. How to do the right thing was our concern.

Thus, we called our friend, arranged to meet the family, and formally invited Monica to be a part of our home - supper disasters and all.

The next day, the letter came from the Archdiocese of Boston admitting me into the first class of men to prepare for ordination to the diaconate. It was and is a testimony of the spirit in my life that continues to be the energy around which all prevails.

Monica graduated from Norwood High School in 1976. Cardinal Medeiros ordained me in 1976 to serve the church of Boston.

I will cherish those first invitations extended to us both in 1973.

Walpole Times, January16, 2003

The Voice of the Prophet

Our cold and snowy days of winter can be opportunities for reflection on the days ahead. As we stay inside and bundle up from the icy winds and frosty mornings, we can look carefully at the rhythm of life.

Forced to slow down our lively pace, with some meetings canceled for inclement weather, we should benefit from sizing up our schedules and our list of important things to do. Consider whether we need to be doing all the little things that are filling up our day and week. Is the stress in our life of our making or from the exigencies forced on us by society and the world around us?

Next, we can examine the issues that besiege our town and state and country. The economy seems to be totally in chaos. Every unit of government is protesting that there will be budget deficits of record making dimensions. The deficits that the state is facing will be such as to create a diminished stream of revenue to local towns (i.e., local aid). Ironically, this comes at a time when the demand for services is increasing with a larger population in absolute terms and a larger population of people who depend on society for their sustenance and livelihood.

We look at the increase in gasoline prices and wonder if the crisis in the Gulf area will affect our lives in many and varied ways. We see the horror of terrorist attacks in various parts of the world and wonder if life has inexorably changed for the worse.

We read of misadventures with our youth as they engage in risky behavior that belies their sense of reality. We question things we never questioned before. And we go on with our lives.

And, then, unexpectedly, the death of a real hero brings us back to the positive side of life - realizing that the ills of the world will be with us but not such as to overcome us.

People from all walks of life poured out to praise the life and achievements of Will McDonough, sports writer and critic and prophet of the times. People knew him as a columnist and a reporter and Television analyst. People spoke of his dedication and candor and integrity and ability to see underneath the obvious.

But, McDonough was more. He was a prophet in the largest sense of the word.

Let me first stipulate precisely what I mean by the word - prophet. A prophet does not tell us much about the future. A prophet tells us a lot about the present and calls us to attend to what is happening today. A prophet does not comfort the afflicted but afflicts the comfortable.

Reading the articles that McDonough wrote and listening to his analysis, we always understood clearly what was really happening. There were never any hidden meanings underneath.

As the news of his death spread last week, I was reminded that his brother, John, was ordained a permanent deacon for the Archdiocese of Boston in 1976. The tributes that came in for Will could easily have been similar to the ones that were elicited for John at his funeral a few years ago.

The McDonough brothers worked at very different occupations but exhibited the same sense of integrity for life and commitment to family and God. John McDonough, Will's older brother, had a large influence on him.

John McDonough was a man dedicated to helping others and enticing others to follow his lead. He saw life as it was, decried the lack of justice inherent in our culture, and worked at improving things as best as he could.

John never began a conversation as others might. He walked up to you and asked for a dollar for God. Nobody declined and the work went on. He multiplied the resources available by his smile and warmth and sincerity. He fed the hungry and found furniture and bedding for those without. He went from one crisis to another bringing others along to resolve what needs were not being met.

I suspect that such dedication and commitment to helping others was a huge part of the prophetic work that Will McDonough achieved over the years in a very different atmosphere and setting.

Is a there a prophet in our midst?

Are you prophetic in your own way? Do you struggle with the stress in your life and wonder what to do?

Look outside and beyond and see what you can do for a friend. Walk up to others and see if they will walk with you as you help another out of a real difficulty

We may see our generation and our times as being the most onerous in history. Or, we can seize the opportunity to ease the burden of our neighbor while ignoring our own headache. It is our choice.

Walpole Times, December 19, 2002

The Cost of Silence

Critics will suggest that I have little originality in my thinking and writing. I concur. What great energy is lost in discovering an idea that seems unique and powerful and efficacious - but was an idea conceived some generations ago. It seems to me that we can all benefit from remembering what others have discovered or postulated and move beyond their thinking into current applications.

With this in mind, I am reverting to an adage attributed to H.L. Mencken. Over two generations, Mencken offered his often acerbic but always probing analysis of the American scene. No social issue was immune from his focus. Here is a quote that can be applied to any of our current social puzzles.

Mencken said that:

” …For every complex problem, there is a solution that is simple, neat, and wrong…”

Simplicity is a wonderful goal and neatness is always to be desired. But, complex problems usually are the result of diverse interactions that existed over time and evolved into messy situations. Thus, the simple solution is more often than not a mirage that captures our imagination but not the reality of life.

Let's look at the current crisis in the Roman Catholic Church and see how we can apply Mencken's adage.

First, where and when did the crisis originate? Can we look back to January 6, 2002 and determine that the stories published by the Boston Globe that Sunday started the crisis?

I think not. The crisis always existed. We have not been able to see the internal workings of the church until recently. What seemed abhorrent to us over these several months are the revelations of the crisis and the stories of abuse and secrecy and silence. As we define the crisis as a very complicated problem that has existed over generations and is not unique to a particular region or country or culture or person(s), we should understand the solution to be suitably complex also.

Thus, I offer this caution that simply replacing Cardinal Law with Bishop Lennon is but a first step in beginning to understand the problem. The solution to the crisis is yet to be addressed.

And there are many aspects of the problem that need to be clarified and examined and detailed.

I would like to focus on just one aspect today. It is a critical aspect of the problem/crisis and should be well understood at every level before proceeding further.

Much has been written and revealed about the secrecy underlying many of the management decisions that were made in shielding the abuse from the public. I suggest that the issue here is `silence'. And silence is the essential aspect of the problem that needs to disappear.

For example, the current policy and procedure is to maintain personal confidence and trust and be silent about many things. If a priest or deacon is assigned/reassigned to another ministry, there is no comprehensive investigation of background material in order to determine fitness and competency.

Silence is more important than knowledge.

Another example of silence is the relationship that exists in many organizations between colleagues. Professional respect for each other is a priority and a value. Rumor and innuendo are to be ignored as speculation and prejudicial commentary. Yet, there is a danger in this respect for one another. The silence that protects the reputations of colleagues can also be a shield for aberrant behavior.

We are all flawed individuals capable of doing great things and capable of doing harm to others. We all should be responsible then to recognize warning signs and to look more carefully underneath rumors and innuendo.

As reported, the personnel files of the priests being investigated for allegations of abuse indicate a policy of beneficence toward the ministers in question. Yet, by not investigating adequately, some base conduct was ignored and allowed to continue. The silence contributed to the continuance of the abuse.

Then, we return to recognizing that the problem/crisis is more than the management mistakes of one individual - Cardinal Law. The system of the church is such that silence was and is vital to the organization. Any bishop who has responsibility for the overall operation of the Archdiocese will be influenced by the code of silence - the essential norm.

This then is our challenge. We need to recognize that the Roman Catholic Church has revealed, unwittingly, a vital aspect of its culture and power. Silence is an essential factor in the relationships and behavioral patterns among people in the church organization.

We should understand that silence is an historical and current issue.

It is healthy and helpful that Cardinal Law moves on; it is healthy and helpful that Bishop Lennon assumes the office and administers the archdiocese with a new perspective.

However, the problem is not solved by this simple and neat action.

The church needs to realize the effects of silence and the ramifications inherent in maintaining a continuing culture of silence.

Walpole Times, November 7, 2002

A Month for Memories

November is a month for memories and nostalgia. The first two days of the month are long standing Christian holidays that affirm our faith in the past, our sense of the present, and our hope for the future.

November 1st is the Feast of All Saints, a time to remember those people who have been models of enduring faith and examples of integrity in the daily challenges of life. On November 2nd, the Christian churches mark that day as a tribute to `All Souls', a time to remember the infinite number of people who have lived and died in days past, in the sure hope of eternal life.

But, such memories are not exclusive to religious traditions and faith experience.

On November 11th, our country, embracing citizens of all faiths, will commemorate at 11 am the century long tradition of celebrating Veteran's Day. It is worth noting here again the brief history and evolution of the holiday.

The holiday was originally named `Armistice day', in recognition of the signing of the armistice ending World War I. The signing occurred on the eleventh hour of the eleventh day of the eleventh month in 1918. In 1919, President Woodrow Wilson proclaimed the nature of the holiday as follows:

“ … To us in America, the reflections of Armistice Day will be filled with solemn pride in the heroism of those who died in the country's service and with gratitude for the victory, both because of the thing from which it has freed us and because of the opportunity it has given America to show her sympathy with peace and justice in the councils of the nations…”

In 1926, Congress adopted a resolution directing the president to issue an annual proclamation calling for the observance of a federal legal holiday. Then, in 1938, Congress passed legislation making November 11 a federal holiday. Recognizing that veterans of many wars have contributed to freedoms that exist in the world, in 1954 President Eisenhower signed legislation that changed the name of the federal holiday from Armistice Day to Veteran's Day.

Thus, next Monday, November 11, at 11 am, in towns and cities throughout the country, there will be ceremonies recognizing the long history of people fighting for freedom and justice for all.

However, there remains the rest of November for us to continue to remember and to learn from the lessons of the past.

The fourth Thursday of November, regardless of the particular date of the month, is celebrated as Thanksgiving Day in our country. The history of this holiday stretches back to our earliest days of a new nation. From Washington to Lincoln, presidents have issued proclamations to situate the holiday in context and meaning. In our modern era, President Bush, in 1990, issued the following proclamation.

“…
The historic observance of a day of thanksgiving at Plymouth, in 1621, was one of many occasions on which our ancestors paused to acknowledge their dependence on the mercy and favor of Divine Providence. Today, on this Thanksgiving Day, likewise observed during a season of celebration and harvest, we have added cause for rejoicing: the seeds of democratic thought sown on these shores continue to take root around the world...
"The great freedom and prosperity with which we have been blessed is cause for rejoicing - and it is equally a responsibility... Our "errand in the wilderness," begun more than 350 years ago, is not yet complete. Abroad, we are working toward a new partnership of nations. At home, we seek lasting solutions to the problems facing our nation and pray for a society "with liberty and justice for all," the alleviation of want, and the restoration of hope to all our people....
"Now, therefore, I, George Bush, president of the United States of America, do hereby call upon the American people to observe Thursday, November 22, 1990, as a National Day of Thanksgiving and to gather together in homes and places of worship on that day of thanks to affirm by their prayers and their gratitude the many blessings God has bestowed upon us…"

Thus, the month of November is a singular opportunity to invoke many memories and many moments of nostalgia and tradition. Our religious and secular traditions intersect and combine to affirm our common belief in learning from the past and cherishing the contributions of those who have gone before us to ensure our potential for tomorrow.

(Information on these holidays was extracted from material in two websites: ww.vfw.org and www.usis.usemb.se.)

Walpole Times, October 10, 2002

The Transforming Events of 1492 and 1962

The holiday weekend approaches. Will we mark this time as an occasion to celebrate time away from our work routine? Will the holiday shopping specials entice us to spend more time in stores than we had planned? Might we head north for one last weekend of recreation before the reality of winter closes in?

Fine. But, let's reflect on the significance and implications of the holiday itself. In fact, though, there are two transforming events in the history of the world that nearly coincide relative to a dateline. Everyone remembers the old tune that reminds us that in `1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue …'. As history notes, Christopher Columbus landed on an island in the Caribbean on October 12, 1492. Much historical detail has been given over to the implications of that landing. Our American history is tightly linked to the story of Columbus and his subsequent journeys. In recognizing the importance of that event for the future development of our country, in 1905, Colorado was the first state to observe a holiday underlining that history.

In 1937, President Roosevelt proclaimed October to be an annual national holiday. Since 1971, the country has observed the second Monday of October as the holiday. This year the country will observe on Monday the 510th year of the landing of Christopher Columbus on an island in the Caribbean.

The other historical event that transformed the Roman Catholic Church and continues to influence the lives of Roman Catholics began on October 11th of 1962. For many, that is one of the most significant dates in the history of religion since the reformation period of the sixteenth century. In 1962, Pope John XXIII opened the first session of that ecumenical council - known as the second Vatican Council. Forty years later, the Roman Catholic Church continues to work at a clear understanding of the fruits of that council and to continue its work at renewal. Clearly, the sadness of the revelations of the past year has made this work all the more necessary and vital - for peoples of all religious heritage.

What seems to me remarkable is our celebrating the history of two events that bring joy to some and pain to others. Let's compare.

    Columbus and History

Historians will analyze the diaries and letters and other tangible evidence of the life of Columbus in order to determine his goal and purpose in setting out in 1492 in search of a new route to Asia. Today, some will argue for the heroic proportions of his journey and discovery and subsequent meaning for later generations. Against such arguments are those who suggest that Columbus had a far different objective in his search and was not the hero of history. In fact, this year, in Colorado, where the first holiday was celebrated, an alliance is seeking to rename the day itself in an attempt to clarify the history of the years after 1492.

The work of history is on going and our knowledge of the past brings new meaning to our perception of people and the future.

    The Second Vatican Council and History

For modern times, Pope John XXIII is regarded as one of the most remarkable of church leaders ever. His age and quiet demeanor belied his approach to history. Against the advice and counsel of some of the elders of the church, he convoked an ecumenical council in December of 1961. In the opening session of the council, on October 11, 1962, the pope declared that the purpose of the sessions was such that “ … the earthly city may be brought to the resemblance of that heavenly city where truth reigns and charity is the law'.

Further he suggested that the church must show itself as ` … the loving mother of all, benign, patient, full of mercy and goodness toward the brethren who are separated from her…'

Intention and purpose is one thing. Results of such intentions and purpose are often unrealized in the totality of achievement.

Much change has been implemented in the church over these last forty years. Many will stand in awe of those changes. Others look in utter disdain at the effect of the implementation of such change. The work of history again is to continue to clarify our current perspective of the origins of events in light of its consequences. There never seems to be unanimity in the reading of history.


    Reality and the Present

The marking and celebration of historical events should cause us to think clearly about the importance of those events. And, we should endeavor to consider with great clarity our knowledge of the events themselves. History unfolds each day and the work of historians is to reveal more about the actual sequence and activities, which unfolded.

Walpole Times, September 26, 2002

All is Local?

Living in a small town has always been a source of comfort for me. I recognize that others may have an affinity for the larger city attractions and the ambience thereof. Each of us has a very distinct outlook on life and how best to find the right place to call `home'.

For me, a small town offers so much regarding people and relationships and trust and credibility. Perhaps, I am happy with the small town atmosphere for having lived these last sixty-four years in three towns. Here's the short history

My parents settled in a small house in Lynnfield in 1936 and provided my sister and me the security and comfort and structure that enabled us to mature and move on to build our own family structures. In those pre-war days, Lynnfield was a town of only a few thousand residents. Those who worked in the town itself often had overlapping jobs that brought them in contact with everyone else. The family model for a town was much in evidence.

The town clerk held that job for as long as I can remember and doubled as the person who delivered hot lunches to our small elementary school. The lunches had been prepared in another school in another area of the town. And, years later, as I applied for a marriage license, that same clerk stayed open after normal hours to wait for me to come to the town hall after I had finished work at Raytheon in Bedford. Picking up the license later, he handed me a little gift bag for my fiancée and me.

I suspect that early experience of living in a town that resembled a large extended family was a significant influence in our looking at small towns, as my wife and searched for our first home. We settled in Norwood in 1964 and raised our family of four children until they moved on to seek their own fortune. There were many positive moments for us living in Norwood in the `60's and 70's, sending the children off to public schools and being involved in volunteer work in the schools and in the church. Again, the whole concept of a town being like an extended family was real.

Now, living alone, and traveling back and forth between my ministry in Sharon and other activities here in Walpole, I find living here to be another example of the close relationships that develop and sustain us. You will all have your examples. Here are a few of mine.

    Dining Out

After a long week of activity and hassle, I look forward to a quiet supper without the chance that the telephone will interrupt that relaxing time. And, so, I frequent a small place in town where the staff provides the space and meal. Often, folks will stop by and chat for a minute and comment on the week and any excitement brewing. Once more, the extended family model plays out.

    Shopping

The closing of a store in Walpole affects us all. Many of us shop at local stores for the personal touch. Here's a recent example of mine. I needed a new coffee maker, since the old machine died a slow death. I drove over to a local store and examined the products, comparing prices and features and options. The choices were all manufactured by reputable and nationally acclaimed companies. The features were very similar.

I made my selection and went to the cashier to pay for the item. She looked at it and went into a brief discussion on the merits of the coffee maker and the difficulty she had with another brand. We chatted for a while comparing our likes and dislikes about coffee.

A month later, I am still quite pleased as much with the new coffee machine as with the personal conversation I had with the cashier.

    Town Hall

I described earlier my own situation going to the town hall in Lynnfield and applying for a marriage license in 1963. In 2000, my daughter was making plans for her wedding and needed information on the timing for applying for the license, picking it up, and having the blood test done at the right time. My daughter lives in California was concerned about the exact time interval for traveling into Walpole to apply for the license and have it ready just in time for the wedding. The clerk here in Walpole understood the situation and was most helpful and solicitous with my daughter.

In October, Sue and her fiancé flew in, went to the town hall and made the necessary arrangements. We then walked over to another local store and were fitted for the tuxedos for the male attendants. With various odds and ends now in place, we walked over to a small store for lunch and to unwind a bit. The business of life can be so easily transacted and completed in small towns, being served by folks who care about you as residents and neighbors.

    Familiar Faces

In general the atmosphere in Walpole, in my personal experience, is warm and hospitable. I walk into a small store or the post office or the library. People hold doors for others; people smile and say `hello'.

The names of the towns in which I have lived have changed, but the basic atmosphere of warmth and personal relationships is common to all.

Walpole Times, July 18, 2002

Finding Your Niche in Your Family

It is a warm and sun filled day here in Southern California. The gentle breeze that wafts around the playground nearby is welcome and inviting. Walking around the neighborhood in the early hours awakens a new energy in my aging body.

But, I am not here to just unwind from the ordinary rhythm of life. I came out to see and visit with my newest grandchild - Ethan. Born on May 28, he is full of curiosity and wonder, glancing around at his parents and seeking attention from anyone. And, as we glance over at him, we are curious and full of wonder.

We are curious about his future. Will he be shy and introverted? Will he be socially active and eager to solve the issues of the day? How will his personality develop in a world full of complications and tension? We have no clear reading of his future. Yet, we do look ahead, as parents and grandparents in the expectation that we might have some glimpse into the future. Our concern for children is instinctual and lifelong.

Are there some ways that we can make judgments of the evolving and developing personality traits of any human being? What are the innate traits? What are the traits that evolve within the environment of family and culture? Do they intersect and affect and effect each other?

I believe we can make some predictions based on our unique family history and common sense. In fact, psychologists and historians build theoretical models based on reams of historical data and provide a framework for so doing.

Here's my first prediction as a glimpse into Ethan's future. As the first born to his parents, he will very likely be an individual who will accept authority and adhere to the norms within his family and culture. He will very likely tend to defend the status quo and argue for stability and order in life. He will have a dominant trait for following the leadership.

Remember, though, that as I make these predictions, I suggest what is most likely. Obviously, there are no absolutes. I do make these predictions in the light of past observations about the stark and significant differences in sibling behavior in families.

Here then is my model - based on reflections of individual sibling behavior in people I know and affirmed by the theories of behavioral scientists. The model suggests the following.

First-born children differ markedly from their later born siblings in many aspects of behavior. Many theories exist that derive from an analysis of the behavioral patterns of siblings identified in birth order, i.e., the second child is different than the third child. The theory here is more simplistic and basic. The contrast is between the first child and all those who come after - without decided differentiation among the later born.

This theory and model for behavioral analysis is to be found in the research and writings of Frank J. Sulloway, who is a research scholar at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology's department of Brain and Cognitive Sciences. In 1996, Sulloway published his book, `Born to Rebel', in which he explained the theory and the historical data that affirmed it.

Sulloway looked at several historical eras and the groundbreaking events that were attributed to certain individuals who choose to seek change in the social order. By and large, people who sought change were `later born' in the family. Those who sought to maintain the current order of things were first-born in the family.

In my life, and in my family, I can look back and see how this observation holds true in many instances. The first-born tends to the cautious and the tried and true. The later born siblings have an instinct to look to other options in life.

How will it be then for Ethan? Will this model hold up for him?

Or, perhaps, the child will just simply be himself and develop a personality shaped by a host of other influences.

In any event, let me go back to visiting with my grandchild. I am always looking ahead while using the events of the past to monitor the road in which I travel. I see in Ethan the excitement and energy that his mother, my daughter, had in her eyes as an infant. I see the scrutiny that is instinctual in people. I see the future emanating from the past.

The miracle of life is overwhelming in its promise for tomorrow.

Walpole Times, July 3, 2002

Traditions and Holidays

For so many people, summer comes rushing in with the variety of activities surrounding the Fourth of July. It is de facto the beginning of summer and the peak time for vacations and a slower pace for family and community.

What great traditions are in your family scrapbook?

For a few, this time may be the opportunity to stretch out and engage in physical activity of a new sort. It may be the time to leave the comfort of home and kitchen and camp out in the woods or near a mountain retreat. This may be the time to slow down the year round pace and allow the cobwebs of our minds to be pushed aside. It may be the opportunity to reflect on the business of the year and the joys and sorrows that accompany every day.

However we may take advantage of summer, it can be a great time of transition.

Today, ready for a day of celebration of our heritage, we are at the edge of anxiety. The memories of the fateful day of September 11, 2001, will never be lost on the citizens of our country. Indeed, the world is with us in our state of apprehension and alert.

The trauma of the day is not diminished by the passing of ten months. In fact, as we approach the one-year anniversary of the event, we have a sense of loss that does parallel the actual day itself.

What feelings do you have about this national time of mourning? Is it like a collective day of mourning? Are we a nation that continues to grieve as a family anticipating the first year of mourning of a loved one? Let's then look at how grief and mourning exist for individuals and society.

The loss of life is devastating for the survivors. As much as we acknowledge that death is inevitable for all, we are never really ready to accept that reality. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote some years ago, in a series of reflections on death and dying, that we all enter into and move through a series of stages by which we grieve for the dead. The five stages are as follows. As you think of the impact of the violence of September 11, visited upon this country, consider how you moved or are moving through these five stages.

        Denial

Yes, in any instance, the abrupt encounter we have with death or the possibility of death often results in a clear manifestation of `denial'. Is it not our first emotion? It should not have happened! It must not be him or her! They are mistaken! We would like to know that it did not happen.

        Anger

Well, after we realize that death did arrive at our place of comfort, we begin to move into a state of `anger' whereby we feel the loss itself and the consequent pain of anger and sorrow. Who can immediately be at peace with death?

        Bargaining

For many people, perhaps months in the making, the stages of life in our grieving process move to that of `bargaining'. Here, we think about the way that life goes on. Could we have done something ourselves to change the course of life and death? What can we do now to make things better? Is it our fault? If there is a God, what should we do to make amends for the others around us?

There are no obvious answers - merely the opportunity to see how life affects us all who are left after a cataclysm of this sort.

        Depression

For the survivors, death is more difficult than for those who passed away from our midst.
We acknowledge the loss but we are not ready to adjust and go on. It is natural to be lonely and be depressed. All of us do have a time of being depressed about the realization that our close friend or family member or spouse or sibling is no longer. It is natural and to be expected.

        Acceptance

The progression of emotions and intellectual understanding of the impact of a death or series of deaths should move to a final stage of acceptance. In fact, it is as if we finally have shaken off the first stage of `denial' by which we began our grieving.

Do we ever really accept the fact the he or she is no longer with us?

For some, the acceptance stage comes near the first year of grief. For others, acceptance is yet to come.

Summary

Well, death is both personal and collective when a society is affected by such a violent day as September 11.

As we slow our pace of life this summer, and enter into some weeks of relaxation and recreation, we might take time to reflect on our collective movement through these stages of death and dying. In what stage are you?

Walpole Times, June 6, 2002

Anticipation and Fulfillment

Awaiting the birth of a child is a momentous event for many people. When it is the first child, the parents have a particularly intense and anxious time of waiting and anticipation. The expectations are always high and the unknown is always a part of the mystery that shrouds this event, no matter how much medical advances increase our awareness of the gender and details of the progress of the about to be newborn.

There is also a particularly poignant aspect to the waiting and anticipation for the grandparents of the new child. And, thus, I have been anxious a bit about these matters as my youngest, Sue, was due to deliver her first child toward the end of May. Isn't it curious how doctors extrapolate a finite due date that almost never is the right one? It is a bit like picking the year the Sox will finally win the series. Always close, but rarely right.

Furthermore, I had asked my daughter not to let me know the gender of the child, even though she would know that fact early on in her pregnancy. Technology provides so much these days, but I have this old notion of being in awe of the mystery behind the birth event.

As the days passed by, and Sue approached her due date, she suggested that she would not let us know when she began the delivery procedure. Rather, she would have her husband call me after the baby was born, avoiding my hanging by the telephone waiting for news that would come. Wouldn't it be wonderful then to dash out to see the baby right after it was born?

That would not be terribly easy or practical, since Sue lives in Irvine, California. Our thoughts were that it would be more sensible to plan a trip out to visit and see the baby and Sue when things settled down and we could all enjoy time together.

With that in mind, I was still startled last week when I heard the telephone ring, noticed the caller was from southern California (observing the area code on the caller-id screen), and talked with my son-in-law about the birth of Ethan Amir Khorashadi - my fifth grandchild.

All went well, mom and baby were resting, and my son-in-law filled me in with the basic details of the labor and delivery process. Pictures would be coming soon.

My next foray to the mall was to buy a new copy of `Mother Goose' rhymes to send off to the new baby. It is never too early to begin reading to children and to begin the development of the language instincts already in the latent but maturing stage.

Indeed, later on that night, my e-mail inbox contained a short note from a friend of Sue's with an attachment that contained seven pictures of the new baby. Now I could tell others about this wondrous event and have the hard copy pictures to illustrate the wonder and reality of it all.

What are the feelings that we have when sitting back and thinking about the birth of a child?

For me, I began to feel older, as if the new child had pushed my own place in the stage of life a little further down the line. The gap between my stature in life and the young child suddenly appeared so large. What would it be like in a few years and would I have the same energy and capacity for doing things that I have now?

How would I relate to this young boy as he progresses in life? The responsibilities of a grandparent are sufficiently undefined in the beginning. The child is a child of your own child - and just that.

As grandparents, we watch and we observe, ever mindful of how parents look for advice but always make the final decisions themselves about so many things.

In contrast, it was slightly more than five years ago, when my first grandchild, Henry, was born. The moment was especially exciting because my son and his wife lived just a short two-hour drive north of my home. I remember very vividly being able then to hold the little boy in my arms, sitting in a rocking chair that my grandfather had built a generation earlier.

For me, there is just pure joy and wonder in comforting infants and gazing into their eyes and being mesmerized by the total effect.

Well, as for Ethan, I will plan a good visit to California and see the color and texture of his eyes and anticipate the joy of holding him and being mesmerized again.

Walpole Times, May 9, 2002

The Universal Appeal of Mothers

Holidays are times for remembering and renewing. We can remember particular people or we can remember particular events that have shaped our lives and the lives of many others.

In our society, we establish national holidays for just that purpose to remember anew the people and events that have been critical to the present day reality with which we all live. It is not that such people or events constitute an elite body or people without which things would not be as they are. It is that we remember certain people as being `markers' by which we renew our understanding of the values and principles by which we believe life should be measured.

We remember political leaders and events that are historical links to our origin and destiny as a society. We pause in our daily life to renew our appreciation of those who have gone before us. We celebrate the existence and achievements of great historical figures. Their names are important to all of us - Washington, Lincoln, Martin Luther King, Jr., Columbus, and Independence Day.

This month, in our tradition, yet not as a national holiday, we mark the second Sunday in May as `Mother's Day'. This Day is unique in that no particular people are named - all Mothers throughout our personal and collective memory and present day reality are celebrated. We remember them for who they were, for who they are, and for who they will be for later generations and us.

Many people will think about their Mothers and honor their presence today with practical gifts or thoughts or devotion. Others may reconcile themselves with the time taken to reflect on an older time when their mothers were alive and they did take time to celebrate this day with them. Perhaps, for some, the day will be a time of sadness in the recollection of their difficult childhood.

The lives we lead and follow are not always as we wish. Our hopes often are not what are realized in the future.

Back a few years, when one of my sons was in Junior High School, an event took place that suggested clearly to me how people have presumptions about the nature and position of Mothers in families.

It was a Friday afternoon when we were all gathered in the kitchen tending to chores to prepare for the supper meal. Tim was expected home shortly from the afternoon football practice. When the telephone rang, I anticipated it might be Tim looking for a ride home after a tiring workout session.

It was not Tim; it was his coach who explained in a hurried rush of words that he wanted me to meet him at the local hospital. Yes, Tim had an injury that should looked at by the folks in the emergency room. I mumbled `Ok' and left to drive the short distance to the hospital and meet the coach and Tim there.

Fortunately, it did not look too bad. A teammate had landed awkwardly on Tim's knee. Yet, there was now considerable swelling and discomfort - and Tim could only hobble a bit with the pain.

The doctor examined the knee, looked at the X-rays, and told us that there was no break - rest and ice and aspirin would work.

We returned home for supper and a quiet Friday Evening. Well, it was quiet but not particularly restful for Tim. The pain was severe and his mobility was limited. He could only walk now with the aid of crutches.

The weekend passed and the swelling did not go down appreciably and Tim was very uncomfortable. We decided that an experienced orthopedic man should do further examination of the X-rays.

Monday morning, my wife and I both went off to work and Tim hobbled off to school. Since I worked closer to home and the hospital, I made the call to the orthopedic doctor to ask if he would read the X-rays himself. His office was near the hospital, making that task fairly easy. The receptionist took my message and assured me that the doctor would call back shortly.

A few hours later, there was a call to my office. The doctor was looking for a `Mrs. Iwanowicz'. His immediate presumption was that the parent who called must have been the mother. As I thought about the humor here, I also recognized that I would have assumed the same thing as the doctor. Parents share the same basic instincts in caring for their children. Much is made of the bond between Father/son and Mother/daughter.

Others may have different experiences. But, I truly believe that Mothers do have a bond with their child that is unique. I cannot fully explain it. It just is.

You all have your own scrapbook images of how your Mom was there for you and assisting with the healing and challenging you to be the terrific person you are.

Cherish the day and cherish the wonder that Mothers bring to the family and to the future of our society.

Walpole Times, April 25, 2002

The Beauty of a Double Anniversary

The month of April is replete with reminders of good things to come. We moved the clocks ahead one hour. Our tax returns have been filed and the running of the Boston Marathon is now history. The daylight hours are longer and the temperatures are climbing. Outside activities are becoming more frequent and the hope for victory for our Red Sox continues unabated.

For me, the memory of past events that took place in April is a reminder of the joys that come from celebrating with family and friends. Birthdays and wedding anniversaries mark the calendar from the beginning to the end.

Of particular note to me is the annual reminder of the wedding that took place on April 27, 1991. The significance of that day is unique for our family. Eleven years later, I cherish the memory of that time in many ways. Sharing that memory might evoke in you a memory of your life that can be energizing and joyous to your experience of April 2002.

Back in 1991, in the planning for the wedding, my son, Tim, and his fiancée, (Amy) and her parents traveled out to the western part of Massachusetts to find the right place to have the reception. That area was suitable in that some family would be traveling from Westchester County, New York, and some family members would be coming from the Boston area. As yet, the date had not been set. My wife and I remained at home and awaited their return.

Sunday night, Tim came home and remarked how they had looked at several places and found just the right one - a small Inn tucked away from traffic and congestion and brimming with quiet and charm.

Fortuitously, the Inn had an opening for a weekend that seemed fitting for my future daughter-in-law's parents. Thus, they booked the Inn for the reception and settled on the actual date for the wedding - April 27th.

As they told us this little story, my son Peter remarked how good that was - having their wedding on our anniversary. Tim looked up, a bit flushed and startled, and remarked that he had not remembered that and was only mildly chagrined. He said that it was all the more reason to be excited about celebrating a wedding on the anniversary of his parents' wedding.

The planning continued and we all trekked out to the Inn on that last weekend of April 1991. It was the beginning of a lifetime of love and joy for a new couple; it would be the last time that my wife and I celebrated our anniversary together.

Yes, each year, the month of April reawakens the memories of looking ahead and looking back. I constantly look back to recall and revel in how things were. Now, I am comforted with looking at the wonderful family that Tim and Amy are nurturing and developing. It is then perfectly natural and just that I look ahead to April 27th and wish them a happy anniversary.

Furthermore, as I scan the anniversary cards in the card shop, I am reminded of the many anniversary events that filled my life with my wife Pat.

Beginning on our tenth anniversary, we isolated that date on our calendar to be sure that other life events would not preclude our being able to celebrate our anniversary fittingly. For many years, we took the time away from everything to be alone and refresh our relationship and renew our commitment to our life together.

And in these days, the memories of all those years, with the attendant joys and sorrows, sustain the loneliness that is a significant aspect of my life.

Perhaps, this is a reason why I am always pleased and privileged to officiate at the wedding of a young couple who eagerly pledge their love for each other. It is the riskiest promise people make - to live with another in a faithful and fruitful way for the rest of their lives. It is the most remarkable promise and the most remarkable future that comes to them.

How remarkable then that I smile when I think of the confluence of events that devolved on April 27th and how that day will always be singularly important in the whole of the yearly calendar - no matter what year.