EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY
DAY 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling
objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat
dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and
the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of
furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another house plant.
DAY 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their
feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the
top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile
oppressors,
I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair...must try
this on their bed.
DAY 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in
attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to
strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a
good little cat I was...Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good
reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
a burning foamy chemical called "shampoo." What sick minds could invent
such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck
between my teeth.
DAY 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices.
I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer.." Moreimportantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies." Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe
snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my
every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is
assured.
But I can wait, it is only a matter of time...
EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day number 180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day number 181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Some New Book Releases:
How to Write Big Books, by Warren Peace
The Lion Attacked, by Claude Yarmoff
The Art of Archery, by Beau N. Arrow
Songs for Children, by Barbara Blacksheep
Irish Heart Surgery, by Angie O'Plasty
Desert Crossing, by I. Rhoda Camel
School Truancy, by Marcus Absent
I Was a Cloakroom Attendant, by Mahatma Coate
I Lost My Balance, by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
Mystery in the Barnyard, by Hu Flung Dung
Positive Reinforcement, by Wade Ago
Under the Bleachers, by Seymour Butts
The Philippine Post Office, by Imelda Letter
Things to Do at a Party, by Bob Frapples
More New Book Releases:
Come on In!, by Doris Open
The German Bank Robbery, by Hans Zupp
I Hate the Sun, by Gladys Knight
Irish First Aid, by R.U. O'Kaye
My Career As a Clown, by Abe Ozo
Here's Pus in Your Eye, by Lance Boyle
I Didn't Do It!, by Ivan Alibi
Why I Eat at McDonalds, by Tommy Ayk
I Hit the Wall, by Isadore There
The Bruce Lee Story, by Marsha Larts
Take This Job and Shove It, by Ike Witt
Rapunzel Rapunzel, by Harris Long
Split Personalities, by Jacqueline Hyde
How I Won the Marathon, by Randy Hoelway
Songs from "South Pacific", by Sam and Janet Evening
Subject: FW: definitions
Abdicate -- v., to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Balderdash -- n., a rapidly receding hairline.
Carcinoma -- n., a valley in California, notable for its heavy smog.
Coffee -- n., a person who is coughed upon.
Esplanade -- v., to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Flabbergasted -- adj., appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Flatulence -- n., the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are
run over by a steamroller.
Gargoyle -- n., an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Lymph -- v., to walk with a lisp.
Negligent -- adj., describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightie.
Oyster -- n., a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions.
Semantics -- n., pranks conducted by young men studying for the
priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest's
prayer book together just before vespers.
Murphy's related Laws:
Everything that can go wrong will ... at the worst possible time and
in the worst possible way. There are other related laws:
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to
itch.
--Lorenz's Law of Mechanical Repair
Identical parts aren't. --Beach's Law
Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
--Anthony's Law of the Workshop
Nothing is as inevitable as a mistake whose time has come.
--Tussman's Law
If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.
--Lowery's Law
The solution to a problem changes the problem. --Peer's Law
There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved
by brute strength and ignorance. --William's Law
Machines should work. People should think. --IBM's Pollyanna Principle
The most ineffective workers shall be moved systematically to the place
where they can do the least damage. --The Dilbert Principle
The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
--Ehrlich's Law
It is a mistake to allow any mechanical object to realize that you are
in a hurry. --Ralph's Observation
If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire,
the next morning you will have a flat tire. --Cannon's Comment
The newer the carpet the greater the likelihood that the bread will land
jelly side down. --Law of inevitable consequences.
Thinly sliced cabbage. --Cole's Law
>Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
>that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
>considering the results of a recent analysis that
>revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
>The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn
>into women. To test the finding, 100 men were fed
>6 pints of beer each. It was then observed
>that 100% of the men gained weight, talked
>excessively without making sense, became overly
>emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally,
>argued over nothing, and refused to apologize
>when wrong. No further testing is planned.
>
>
> OIL CHANGING INSTRUCTIONS
>
> WOMEN:
>
> 1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
> change.
> 2. Drink a cup of coffee.
> 3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
> vehicle.
>
> MEN:
>
> 1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for
> oil, filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
> 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking
> back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
> 3. Open a beer and drink it.
> 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
> 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
> 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
> 7. Place drain pan under engine.
> 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
> 9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
> 10. Unscrew drain plug.
> 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
> 12. Clean up.
> 13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
> 14. Look for oil filter wrench.
> 15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
> 16. Beer.
> 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Decide to finish oil change
> tomorrow.
> 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
> 19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
> 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
> 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
> 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
> gasket first.
> 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
> 24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
> 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
> 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil
> drains onto floor.
> 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
> 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
> 29. Begin cussing fit.
> 30. Throw wrench.
> 31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December 1992.
> 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
> 33. Beer.
> 34. Beer.
> 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
> 36. Beer.
> 37. Lower car from jack stands.
> 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
> 39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
> spilled during step 23.
> 40. Drive car
Subject: Actual Questions E-mailed to the Olympics Info Line
[ Kayt ]
QUESTIONS E-MAILED TO THE OLYMPICS INFO LINE:
Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it
rain on TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: Upwards, out of the ground, like the person who asked this
question...
Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends on how much beer you've consumed...
Q: Which direction should I drive - Perth to Darwin or Darwin
to Perth - to avoid driving with the sun in my eyes? (Germany)
A: Excellent question, considering that the Olympics are being
held in Sydney...
Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the
railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only seven thousand miles, so you'll need to have
started about a year and a half ago to get there in time for this
October...
Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: And accomplish what?
Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of
places to contact for a stuffed porpoise. (Italy)
A: I'm not touching this one...
Q: My client wants to take a steel pooper-scooper into Australia.
Will you let her in? (South Africa)
A: Why? We do have toilet paper here...
Q: Where can I learn underwater welding in Australia? (Portugal)
Q: Do the camels in Australia have one hump or two? (UK)
Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why bother? Use your fingers like the rest of us...
Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No. Everybody stinks.
Q: Do tents exist in Australia? (Germany)
A: Yes, but only in sporting supply stores, peoples' garages
and most national parks...
Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)
A: This HAS to have been asked by a blonde...
Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes. Gay nightclubs.
Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Yes. At Christmas.
Q: Can I drive to the Great Barrier Reef? (Germany)
A: Sure, if your vehicle is amphibious.
Q: Are there killer bees in Australia? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but we'll see what we can do when you get here.
Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
(Another blonde?)
Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. (USA)
(I love this one... there are no rattlesnakes in Australia)
Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face North and you should be about right.
Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
(Americans have long had considerable trouble distinguishing between
Austria and Australia.)
Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I
forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth.
Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the
girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help?
(USA)
Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
Warning: Major groanage ahead.
> > >Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead
> > > raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says "I'm
> > > sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
> > >
> > > _______________________
> > >
> > > Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of
> > > Holsteins into low earth orbit?
> > > They called it the herd shot round the world.
> > >
> > > _______________________
> > >
> > > Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went
> > > to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other
> > > stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted
> > > to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
> > > the lesser of two weevils.
> > >
> > > _______________________
> > >
> > > Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when
> > > they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once
> > > and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat
> > > it, too.
> > >
> > > ________________________
> > >
> > > Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his
> > > dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted
> > > to transcend dental medication.
> > >
> > > __________________________
> > >
> > > A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and
> > > were standing in the lobby discussing their recent
> > > tournament victories. After about an hour, the
> > > manager came out of the office and asked them to
> > > disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off.
> > > "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts
> > > boasting in an open foyer."
> > >
> > > __________________________
> > >
> > > There was a man who entered a local paper's pun
> > > contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope
> > > that at least one of the puns would win.
> > > Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
> > >
> > > __________________________
> > >
> > > A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption.
> > > One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named
> > > "Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they
> > > name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of
> > > himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she
> > > tells her husband that she wishes she also had a
> > > picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But they are
> > > twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
> > >
> > > ____________________________
> > >
> > > A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old
> > > West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm
> > > looking for the man who shot my paw."
===========================================
>
> College students, at the end of a course, are often asked to evaluate the
> various factors involved in it: Instructor, text, and so forth. Here
> are some collected comments:
>
> "Text is useless. I use it to kill roaches in my room."
>
> "He teaches like Speedy Gonzalez on a caffeine high."
>
> "In class, the syllabus is more important than you are."
>
> "Help! I've fallen asleep and I can't wake up!"
>
> "Text makes a satisfying 'thud' when dropped on the floor."
>
> "The class is worthwhile because I need it for the degree."
>
> "His blackboard technique puts Rembrandt to shame."
>
> "Textbook is confusing ... someone with a knowledge of English should
> proofread it."
>
> "Have you ever fallen asleep in class and awoke in another? That's the
> way I felt all term."
>
> "This class was a religious experience for me ... I had to take it all
> on faith."
>
> "The recitation instructor would make a good parking lot attendant. Tries
> to tell you where to go, but you can never understand him."
>
> "Problem sets are a decoy to lure you away from potential exam material."
>
> "Recitation was great. It was so confusing that I forgot who I was, where
> I was, and what I was doing - it's a great stress reliever."
>
> "He is one of the best teachers I have had ... He is well-organized,
> presents good lectures, and creates interest in the subject. I hope my
> comments don't hurt his chances of getting tenure."
>
> "I would sit in class and stare out the window at the squirrels. They've
> got a cool nest in the tree."
>
> "The absolute value of the TA was less than epsilon."
>
> "TA steadily improved throughout the course ... I think he started drinking
> and it really loosened him up."
>
> "Information was presented like a ruptured fire hose - spraying in all
> directions - no way to stop it."
>
> "I never bought the text. My $60 was better spent on the Led Zeppelin tapes
> that I used while doing the problem sets"
>
> "What's the quality of the text? Text is printed on high quality paper.'"
>
> "The course was very thorough. What wasn't covered in class was covered on
> the final exam."
> > Subject: The Best of Steven Wright
> >
> > How come wrong numbers are never busy?
> >
> > Do people in Australia call the rest of the world "up over"?
> >
> > Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?
> >
> > Does killing time damage eternity?
> >
> > Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
> >
> > Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?
> >
> > Why is it that night falls but day breaks?
> >
> > Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
> >
> > Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn
> > down the volume on the radio?
> >
> > Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid
> made with real lemons?
> >
> > Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
> >
> > Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawnshop?
> >
> > Daylight savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
> >
> > How do you get off a nonstop flight?
> >
> > How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
> >
> > If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
> >
> > If cats and dogs didn't have fur would we still pet them?
> >
> > If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl
> Scout cookies made out of?
> >
> > If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?
> >
> > If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way
> they do?
> >
> > If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?
> >
> > If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?
> >
> > If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
> >
> > If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
> >
> > Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running
> child?
> >
> > Why do they call it "chili" if it's hot?
> >
> > Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game", when we are already there?
> >
> > Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
> >
> > WHAT I DIDN'T KNOW UNTIL I HAD KIDS...
> >
> > How many seconds it takes to microwave four fish sticks perfectly.
> >
> > Who John Jacob Jingleheimershmitt is.
> >
> > How to change a diaper in the dark... in a parked car... on a
> standing child.
> >
> > Which lines of "The Cat in the Hat" can be skipped over without a
> child noticing.
> >
> > Locations of public restrooms all across town.
> >
> > Why anyone would retrace their steps for miles just to retrieve a
> lost blankie.
> >
> > That tigers live in the trees in our backyard.
> >
> > How to open a door while juggling two lunch boxes, two extra coats,
> a purse, a diaper bag and a baby.
> >
> > How little sleep a human body truly needs to function.
> >
> > Almost every Disney lyric ever penned.
> >
> > That one can never own too many sippy cup lids or refrigerator
> magnets.
> >
> > That reverse psychology really works.
> >
> > The distinctive sounds of Cheerios crunching underfoot.
> >
> > Why they call them Happy Meals.
> >
> > How far you can dilute juice and still retain its taste.
> >
> > That the more my kids learn, the less I seem to know.
> >
> > And most of all: How much you could love one human being!
> >
> What did the fish say when it hit a concrete wall?
> A. "Dam!"
>
> What's the definition of mixed emotions?
> A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your
new car.
>
> What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?
> A. Polaroids
> What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
> A. Nacho Cheese.
> Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
> A. Because it scares the hell out of the dog.
>
> What do you call Santa's helpers?
> A. Subordinate Clauses.
>
> What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand?
> A. Quattro sinko.
>
> How do you double the value of a Neon?
> A. Fill the gas tank.
>
> What do the LAPD and the Green Bay Packers have in common?
> A. Neither of them can stop a Bronco.
>
> What do you get when you cross a snowman with a Vampire?
> A. Frostbite.
>
> Why is divorce so expensive?
> A. Because it's worth it.
>
> What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy and would kill you if it fell
> out of a tree?
> A. A pool table.
>
> What's the difference between a lawyer and God?
> A. God doesn't think he's a lawyer.
>
> What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
> A. A nervous wreck.
>
> Where do you find a dog with no legs?
> A. Right where you left him.
>
> Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
> A. They all have phones.
>
> Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
> A. They're trying to get away from the noise.
>
> What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a collie?
> A. A dog that runs for help....after he bites your leg off.
>
> What do you call a pretty girl in England?
> A. A tourist
Top 35 Oxymorons
> - ---------------------------------
>
> 35. State worker
> 34. Legally drunk
> 33. Exact estimate
> 32. Act naturally
> 31. Found missing
> 30. Resident alien
> 29. Genuine imitation
> 28. Airline food
> 27. Good grief
> 26. Government organization
> 25. Sanitary landfill
> 24. Alone together
> 23. Small crowd
> 22. Business ethics
> 21. Soft rock
> 20. Butt head
> 19. Military intelligence
> 18. Sweet sorrow
> 17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
> 16. "Now, then ..."
> 15. Passive aggression
> 14. Clearly misunderstood
> 13. Peace force
> 12. Extinct life
> 11. Plastic glasses
> 10. Terribly pleased
> 9. Computer security
> 8. Political science
> 7. Tight slacks
> 6. Definite maybe
> 5. Pretty ugly
> 4. Rap music
> 3. Working vacation
> 2. Religious tolerance
>
> And the number one top Oxymoron....
> 1. Microsoft Works
>