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BAT
FROM HELL A short story of how an ordinary family overcame fear through skill, courage, and determination. By John Nicol |
Eastern Small-footed Myotis |
Prolog
Your Worst Nightmare
The following
is a true account of a chilling encounter we recently experienced at our home
in
You Think I’m Joking?!
We initially thought our son was kidding us. But up the stairs we went and, as we heard the monster squealing like a demented banshee -- probably terrified out of its wits -- the hair on our necks began to curl. Nicki, my wife, prized open the door just a tad and, lo and behold, there it was, this bat from hell flapping all over the place like a bolt of lightening. "His wings are about a foot long!", Nicki shrieked. In blind panic, we closed the door hard and huddled. We were soon stuffing a towel along the floor and under the door so that the wild creature didn't have the option of exploring the rest of our home. After composing ourselves a little, Nicki decided that if she could get into the room to open one of the windows, the crazy bat would be sure to fly out. So she wrapped a big fluffy quilt all around her (head and all -- since we all know where bat's want to land -- in your hair) and gingerly opened the door about 6 inches. She had no sooner taken a single step inside the room when Billy the bat resumed squealing and flapping all over the place. With a loud shriek, it was time to retreat, close and seal up the door again. Time for “Plan B”.
We tried
calling some local 24*7 pest control companies but they were all asleep or
eating donuts (anything save for answering their incoming calls). Nicki and I both tried to convince one
another that it was the other person's responsibility to "go in
there" and eradicate the monster.
Nicki would say "I always deal with the mice and stuff but one
that's got wings and flaps around is out of my jurisdiction... this is your
problem, guy. Besides you're the man of house.
You're supposed to do this stuff." To which I responded, "But you've a demonstrated track
record of getting rid of little unwanted creatures. You're really good at this." Neither of us was buying any of it. So there was no Plan B, save for to leave
Billy flapping around in there for the night and to relocate Alistair
downstairs temporarily. So that's what
we did.
Jeepers Creepers
As I lay in
bed, my mind convinced me that there must be bats all over the house. After all, if Billy somehow managed to find
a way in then surely other, equally as smart and just as evil bats could do the
same. I mean they could be having
parties under my desk in the basement... right where my bare feet usually are. And as I drifted off to sleep I realized
that the lights and fans etc were still on in Alistair's room all night -- what
a waste of energy. And, besides, these
would be making Billy all the more mad since he was presumably waiting for
darkness to descend to that he could get some rest. But... who was going to venture into the room to switch off these
devices? Before long, Nicki and I were sleepily trying to convince one
another (again) that it was the other's responsibility. As before, neither of us was having any of
it. Finally, I had a brainwave... trip the fuse for that bedroom from down in
the basement. So with Nicki upstairs
looking for signs of light between the crack of the door and the towel
(remember the towel?), I tried tripping random fuses till I finally got the
right one. The bat quieted down and would
only squeal now whenever I rapped on the upstairs bedroom door from
outside. Jeepers Creepers. It was time to get some shut eye, for us and
for Billy.
Preparing for War
In the bold
light of morning, Nicki was up and raring to call the Pest Control guys
again. And there I was thinking... why
pay these guys a small fortune to go hunt down a stupid bat? Like, how hard can this really
be? So, I trekked upstairs, faced the
door and thought "it's time to be brave". Having pulled the towel away, I opened the door ever so
slowly... I am talking about a
millimeter-per-minute slow in full anticipation that Billy would make a B-line
for my face as soon as the door was open just wide enough. 1 centimeter... 2 centimeters... 6
centimeters... the door opened. No sign
or sound of Billy. Hmmmm. Still, I wasn't ready to dare look behind
the door... because that was where he would surely be, planning his attack
should I pop my head round. So, for now
the issue was just how to get a good look around the room. Another idea occurred to me.
Off to the
garage I went to get my ladders... and so there I was at
Send Three and Tuppence, We're Going
to a Dance
Back inside the
house now. Armed only with a torch (ok,
ok... flashlight), I was opening the bedroom door up once again... half
expecting Billy to make a dash for it.
Interesting. No sign of
him. All quiet on the western
front. Creeping into the bright room, the
first part of the mission was to get to a window, raise the blinds, and open
the screen wide enough that Billy might make his escape. After all, I knew he was there...
somewhere. And I was sure he knew I was
there somewhere too. With all the
courage I could muster, I made it to the window and got the job done. Problem was.... still no sign of the
enemy. By now, Alistair was feeling
somewhat more brave too. After all, it
was his room that had been invaded. And
he was going to have to sleep in there again... alone... at night. Yeah, he had motivation to want Billy
"outta there" too. So there
we were... father and son... back-to-back moving round the room... quietly,
fearfully, reluctantly. Still no sign
of the enemy. Ironically, before long,
we were getting somewhat arrogant, lifting and looking under things (albeit
from a distance) though still covering for one another. No sign of Billy. We knew he hadn't flown through the window either. So he had
to be lurking about there... somewhere.
The Skeleton in the Cupboard
Everyone has a
skeleton in the cupboard. We didn't
know it at the time though and weren't even thinking about ours. No, Alistair had different stuff on his
mind, like "Dad, can I get some clothes for today out of my chest of
drawers?". "Sure Ally, but be
careful." While somewhat intrepidated,
he went for the top drawer first.
Boxers and socks. Gottem. Next drawer down, shorts and a T-shirt. Gottem.
And then... we heard it. Billy
let loose and began to squeal again with full fury. But he wasn't with us in the room... No, the bat from hell was in Ally's cupboard. We were sure of it. We part froze in horror. The
bat was in the cupboard. Well at
least we now knew where he is... but... what next?
"Son"
I said to Alistair, "take cover... I'm going in." Alistair gladly paced over to just outside
the door to his room. Bracing myself to
make a sprint out through the same door, I yanked open the cupboard door half
expecting Billy to go straight for my face or, with a bit o' luck, head
straight through the open window.
BAM!... the door was open, I made a dash... and... and… nothing. No sign or sound of the crazy bat. Dang.
What to do now? I crept back in
and carefully started to scan the inside of cupboard. "Where are you, Billy?
We know you're in there."
And then I spotted him, or what I thought might be him. A little brown-colored ball on the floor of
the cupboard... unmoving. With the
flashlight beam locked on to it, I convinced myself the bundle must be
Billy. But he looked so small now. Where were those gigantic wings of an
albatross? No, the enemy didn't look so
dangerous all of a sudden. Nor did he
look quite as threatening either. As a
matter of fact, Billy looked quite.... well quite dead.
Still, rule #1
in combat is never to afford the enemy the element of surprise. There he was... still unmoving... nestled
between a couple of shoes. Wait... did
his head really move? I think it
did. I was sure of it. But now he was back to playing dead
again. Dang... how to trap this
guy? Alistair and I concocted a
plan. If we were able to place a bin
over Billy, surely we would then be able to slip some card from underneath and
transport the little flying-nightmare out of our house. But he was too close to the shoes to place
a bucket neatly over him. By now,
though, we sensed victory was ours to lose.
We assembled a long rod from some pieces we searched out from the basement
and brought our weapon upstairs... using it, we were able to slide the shoes
out of the way of Billy. He became a
little bit testy having detected his environment being changed around him
(again). He was squealing furiously
again sometimes almost hissing, and I could see his definition quite clearly
now. (Funny how my sub-conscience chose
that moment to recall the scene from "Monty Python and the Holy
Grail" in which a band of knights are being attacked by a vicious white
bunny rabbit.) Now picture this
creature in your mind's eye. Imagine a
gremlin with a tiny head and a wide open mouth and clearly visible teeth,
squealing, squeaking, and shuffling about.
Yeah, it was kind of like that.
Liberation Day
With all this commotion and excitement going on, Nicki also got the sense victory was imminent. She wanted in on the act now too. Armed with a waste paper bin.... it was she that moved in to make the final, fearless assault on Billy and.... voila... he was trapped... inside the bin. He didn't like it. He let us know. Next, Nicki slid the bin out of cupboard into the light of day where we could each stare at it... comfortable now that we had our enemy captured. Next, it was a case of sliding under the bin, ever so carefully, a wafer-thin piece of card. It worked! We had him! Lifting the whole assembly, Nicki took the captive downstairs and out onto the deck. (Alistair and I were right behind her... well a little bit back... just in case Billy should make a break for it and decide to gouge our eyes out.) But we did it... we got him onto the deck and Nicki lifted up the bucket. Maybe... just maybe, it was Billy's anticipation of a coming "coup de grace" that caused him to decide to remain still. While he was being still, we quickly retreated to watch from the dining room (i.e., on the safe side behind the screen door). And then... just when we though we were safe... he began to move. Menacingly, he shuffled over to the edge of the rail on which we had placed him... and slowly he disappeared behind the forest-side of the rail. We were free at last! The evil bat was gone. Actually, he wasn't quite gone. Minutes later, we sneaked back out on to the deck to take a quick look, and there he was hanging upside down from the rail on the far side. He seemed quite happy to be getting some shut eye at last. It had been a long night for him too. But it was we who had prevailed. Victory was ours and nature would take care of the rest.
Benediction
So the next time you are lying in bed in the dark of night, and you sense something evil flapping around in your room, take heart: bats are most certainly scary but not altogether invincible!
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