Original Humor, Satire and Wit
by Jonathan Marin

The Chamber of Commerce Brochure of Toxic Wells, NJ

Alternatives to the B-Word

A Literary Menu

Words for the Concept: "Religous Questioningly Challenged"

Keynote Speech to NCFA Supporters,
(As Delivered at the National Convention of the
American Society for the Spread of Fallacy, Error, and Deceit)

Mr. Pierce's "Poem"

"It May Be the Middle of Nowhere (But It's Home)"

Adoptionopoly - the Board Game You Play in the Dark


For Adoptees of Delicate Sensibility

Alfred Hitchcock used the word "McGuffin" to describe the central
"thing" in a movie  - the document or the address, the bomb or
the gun - that the story revolves around. Nearly all adoptees,
from before we were born until we were placed for adoption, were
just such a center of a (sometimes fascinating) story. I humbly
suggest "McGuffin" as a non-offensive, non-intolerant, politically
correct, general-use alternative to "b*****d".

Where the circumstances surrounding conception are known, quite
specific euphemisms may be substituted for the B-word (or the
M-word.) Indeed, more than one euphemism may be applicable to any
particular case, since each participant has a distinct
point of view. The b-mom, for example, may see the child as a
Bargaining Chip, and expect the b-father to accept him/her as
a Risk Factor.  The b-father, however. may see the child as a
White Elephant, whom the b-mom has made into a Guilt Trip.

Select one or more as appropriate:

 Placid Ingestation
 Naval Maneuver (or Shore Thing)
 Negligee Case
 Back Seat Striver
 Bargaining Chip
 Party Favor
 Blue Plate Special

 Paradise Mislaid
 Experimental Artifact
 White Elephant
 Unforeseen Development
 Providential Implantation
 Passion Fruit

 Guilt Trip
 Chagrin D'amour
 Risk Factor
 Stress'ed Event
 Joint Communique`
 Floor Prize

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Anchovy and Cleopatra
Banana Karenina
Broth Karamazov
Lime and Garnishment
Finnegan’s Cake

Flour Town
Lord of the Fries
Of Mousse and Men
Pear Goriot
Mutton Jeff
Lassie cum Pomme

Outcasts of Okra Flat
Portnoy’s Compote
Remembrance of Things Pasta
Spuds Lonigan

The Bun also Rises
The Crepes of Wrath
The Goulash Archipelago
To Bake a Road
Tort d’Arthur

I don't think this next group is as good. I separated them out, but then figured "What the Hell?".

Bait Gatsby
Berlin Dairy
Midsummer Light Cream

Of Thyme on the Liver
On the Spode
The Bread and the Snack
The Bread Badge of Porridge

The Eggers’ Opera
When Sushi Was Good
Clockwork a` l'Orange
The Bisques of Abalone
Sautee of God a` la Augustine (requires a very large skillet)

Newt Pie Columbus
The Rape of the Lox
and of course Pride and Prunejuice

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Words and phrases for the concept

Undoubting Thomas
Evangeliquist's Dummy
One-Book Pony

Creedal Retentive
Revelation Dependent
Textually Inhibited

Scripturally Grounded
Invincibly Innocent
Testamentally Retarded


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Keynote Speech to NCFA Supporters, As Delivered at the National Convention of the American Society for the Spread of Fallacy, Error, and Deceit


The text quoted below simply showed up in my e-mail one day. For a time I was utterly at a loss as to what it might be, until I realized that it must in fact be a verbatim transcript of the speech given by Mr. William Pierce to a convention of the National Council for Adoption (NCFA) officials, allies, and contributors.

William Pierce is president of the NCFA, which has declared war against the modest reforms enacted by the legislature of Tennessee, and against the cause of open records everywhere. The NCFA argues in support of its untenable paleolithic position with such a mixture of discredited claims, nonsense, falsehood, and fallacy, that is difficult to believe it is done in good faith. Nevertheless, whatever NCFA says is enthusiastically applauded by a Devil's Bag of parties who have an interest in preserving the status quo. The bag includes adoption lawyers, child welfare bureaucracies, adoption agencies, insecure a-parents, and others.

People have asked me for a translation or decryption of Mr. Pierce's speech. Actually, no translation is necessary. The speech was presented just as it appears below. While it may at first appear to be gibberish, further reflection will reveal that it as sensible and cogent as anything he has ever said upon the subject of Adoptees' Records. I especially invite your close attention to those passsages which immediately precede the applause interruptions.

Mr. Pierce's presentation was a great success. Many exiting attendees were heard to say that their conviction was now stronger than ever, that present restrictions must be stiffened if possible, or at the very least maintained. Others observed approvingly that his eloquence actually enhanced the clarity of his message, while at the same time underscoring its urgency and importance. It was also widely noted that Mr. Pierce had been impeccably attired for the occasion.



> >
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> >M=F5R86P*/B @[W1U9]EE[R!O9B!C96QL7R!I;B!C=6QT=7)E(%EN(^1I9F9E


> >M
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> >M                                   \0DU33510.#0W-S R-3@S,3!M
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> >M                            0V]N=F5R]V%T:6]N($ED+3PY-C$Q,#@N


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> >M;G-I='D@96QE8W1R:6,@86YD(UA9VYE=EC(9I96QD_R!C86X@:6YF;'5E


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> >M               0  8                           !!='1A8VAM96YT
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> >end
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**** Mr. Pierce's "Poem" ****

The speech cannot help but enhance Mr. Pierce's reputation as a thinker. Beyond that, some of the passages have true poetic quality. The "poem" below is an excerpt from the text (above) of Mr. Pierce's eloquent prose, which I have formatted as verse.


(attributed to William Pierce)

 Left parenthesis dollar five minus one bee,    ($5-1B
 Exclamation are nine six Cee.                  !R96C 
 Ay equals sign three Dee, ampersand five Dee,  A=3D &5D
 Left paren'ampersand Ay Eee,                   (&AE
 Eight six cue Tee.                             86QT
 Colon doublequote exclamation point Pee,       :"!P
 Less-than eff right bracket be.                <F]B

This is, without a doubt, as clear and intelligent as anything that
any spokesman for NCFA has ever said about the subject
of Adoptee's Records.


Explanatory Note:
	[The text I attribute to Mr. Pierce is no less sensible than
the claptrap he espouses. The applause I attribute to his audience is
as reasonable as the applause his gibberish evokes from his self-serving
	There is nothing surprising about cynical people affecting to be
persuaded by what is patently unpersuasive, to be impressed by what is
clearly unimpressive, to be moved to laud what is egregiously unlaudable.
Countless generations of scoundrels have sought to further their interests
through lavish praise of the emperor's fine clothes.] 

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This page is maintained by Jonathan Marin
Last modified on February 17, 2000