Alternatives to the B-Word
A Literary Menu
Words for the Concept: "Religous Questioningly Challenged"
Keynote Speech to NCFA Supporters,
(As Delivered at the National Convention of the
American Society for the Spread of Fallacy, Error, and Deceit)
Mr. Pierce's "Poem"
"It May Be the Middle of Nowhere (But It's Home)"
- the Board Game You Play in the Dark
Alfred Hitchcock used the word "McGuffin" to describe the central "thing" in a movie - the document or the address, the bomb or the gun - that the story revolves around. Nearly all adoptees, from before we were born until we were placed for adoption, were just such a center of a (sometimes fascinating) story. I humbly suggest "McGuffin" as a non-offensive, non-intolerant, politically correct, general-use alternative to "b*****d". Where the circumstances surrounding conception are known, quite specific euphemisms may be substituted for the B-word (or the M-word.) Indeed, more than one euphemism may be applicable to any particular case, since each participant has a distinct point of view. The b-mom, for example, may see the child as a Bargaining Chip, and expect the b-father to accept him/her as a Risk Factor. The b-father, however. may see the child as a White Elephant, whom the b-mom has made into a Guilt Trip.
Placid Ingestation Naval Maneuver (or Shore Thing) Negligee Case Back Seat Striver Bargaining Chip Party Favor Blue Plate Special Paradise Mislaid Experimental Artifact White Elephant Unforeseen Development Providential Implantation Passion Fruit Guilt Trip Chagrin D'amour Risk Factor Stress'ed Event Joint Communique` Floor Prize
A LITERARY MENU
Anchovy and Cleopatra
Lime and Garnishment
Lord of the Fries
Of Mousse and Men
Lassie cum Pomme
Outcasts of Okra Flat
Remembrance of Things Pasta
The Bun also Rises
The Crepes of Wrath
The Goulash Archipelago
To Bake a Road
I don't think this next group is as good. I separated them out, but then figured "What the Hell?".
Midsummer Light Cream
Of Thyme on the Liver
On the Spode
The Bread and the Snack
The Bread Badge of Porridge
The Eggers Opera
When Sushi Was Good
Clockwork a` l'Orange
The Bisques of Abalone
Sautee of God a` la Augustine (requires a very large skillet)
Newt Pie Columbus
The Rape of the Lox
and of course Pride and Prunejuice
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Words and phrases for the concept
Keynote Speech to NCFA Supporters, As Delivered at the National Convention of the American Society for the Spread of Fallacy, Error, and Deceit
The text quoted below simply showed up in my e-mail one day. For a time I was utterly at a loss as to what it might be, until I realized that it must in fact be a verbatim transcript of the speech given by Mr. William Pierce to a convention of the National Council for Adoption (NCFA) officials, allies, and contributors.
William Pierce is president of the NCFA, which has declared war against the modest reforms enacted by the legislature of Tennessee, and against the cause of open records everywhere. The NCFA argues in support of its untenable paleolithic position with such a mixture of discredited claims, nonsense, falsehood, and fallacy, that is difficult to believe it is done in good faith. Nevertheless, whatever NCFA says is enthusiastically applauded by a Devil's Bag of parties who have an interest in preserving the status quo. The bag includes adoption lawyers, child welfare bureaucracies, adoption agencies, insecure a-parents, and others.
People have asked me for a translation or decryption of Mr. Pierce's speech. Actually, no translation is necessary. The speech was presented just as it appears below. While it may at first appear to be gibberish, further reflection will reveal that it as sensible and cogent as anything he has ever said upon the subject of Adoptees' Records. I especially invite your close attention to those passsages which immediately precede the applause interruptions.
Mr. Pierce's presentation was a great success. Many exiting attendees were heard to say that their conviction was now stronger than ever, that present restrictions must be stiffened if possible, or at the very least maintained. Others observed approvingly that his eloquence actually enhanced the clarity of his message, while at the same time underscoring its urgency and importance. It was also widely noted that Mr. Pierce had been impeccably attired for the occasion.
THE FULL TRANSCRIPT OF MR. PIERCE'S PRESENTATION
> > > >begin 666 ATTRIBS.BND > >M0F5Y;VYD(%!A8VME9"!!='1R:6)U=\5S /4_N !8 * 4F4Z($5-1B=S > >M(%N9"!C;VUM;VX@:VET8VAE;B!A'!L:6%N8V5S > >M870L(-O;G1R87)Y('1O('1H96]R971I8V%L(%5X]*5C=/%T:6]N/RP@(E-E > >M=F5R86P*/B @[W1U9]EE[R!O9B!C96QL7R!I;B!C=6QT=7)E(%EN(^1I9F9E
> >M > >M U%^UC87-($5-1B!R96CA=3D&5D(&AE86QT:"!PF]B H;6%N > >M \0DU33510.#0W-S R-3@S,3!M > >M8V%S:%T 0F5Y;VYD(%!R;W!R:65T87)Y($1A=%$: 0 #P N > >M 0V]N=F5R]V%T:6]N($ED+3PY-C$Q,#@N (LAUGHTER) > >M,34R,3$V+DU%5"Y02$%204)/1$!%4D-03C$Q+DE.,E S+D92/@0 > >M$ ) 365S]V%G92!%;F-O9%EN9PA)4T\M > >M.#@U.0$ %0 # 57-E(%!R;W!O > >M]G1I;VYA;"!%;VYT 0 !"0 - "H > >M !0]F5V:6]U]R!%]F]M*2)*+B!0:%%R86)O9"(@/%!(05)!0D]$0%9R8W!N
> >M,3$N:6XR[#,N9G(^#0 + "X !0 > >M"F5V:6]U}R!4;RP R@ ! D __\= AT ''-K97!T:6- ;RES='!R;V,N > >M:(-F+FIH=2YE9'4- L +@ $]R > >M:6=I;F%L('1O+ #* $ "0#__QT "'0 LD_VMK:'1I8T!L:7-T/')O8RYH > >M8V8N:FAU+F5D=1$ #0 + 3W)I > >M9VEN86P@=_5X= !$ ! !R @ > >M 5"5X=:P""CX@(_9R;VTZ(")*+B!0:_%R86)O9"(@/%!(05)!0D]$0_9R > >M8W!N,3$N:6XR>#,N9G(^+"!O;B Q,2\X+SDV(#DZ,C @04TZ"@H^("!4:_5R > >M92!I_R!A;B!I;G1EJ_F5S=HEN9R!A;F0@87!P87)E;G1L>2!O8FIE8W1I=F4@ > >M8VET92!A8F]U="!T:=ES"CX@(=5-1B!R96QA==5D(_AE86QT:"!P^PF]B;55M
> >M_SH*/B @:'1T,,,HO+V9U;G-A;BYB:6]M960N;6-G:6QL+F-A+WYF=6YN96QL > >M+V5M8F,Y-5]C9"]T97AT_R\Y-C N:'1M"CX@($AE_F4@22!L96%R;F5D('1H > >M870L(M-O;G1R87)Y('1O('1H96]R971I8V%L(_5X5F5C=C%T:6]N_RP@(E-E > >M=F5R86P*/B @?W1U9EE_R!O9B!C96QL*R!I;B!C=6QT=7)E(EN(1I9F9E > >M_F5N="!L86)O=F%T;W)I97,@:%V92!S:]W;@H^("!T:%T(QO=R!I;G1E > >M;G-I='D@96QE8W1R:6,@86YD(UA9VYE=EC(9I96QD_R!C86X@:6YF;'5E
(LOUD APPLAUSE and STOMPING of FEET)
> >M;F-E(-E;P*/B @9%$_^Y_5V96QOO>UE;G_L(HEN8VQU9%EN9R!PX%$#P_F]C97-S97,@ > >M:6=I;F%L('1O+ #* $ "0#__QT "'0 VME'1I8T!L:7-T!* ')O8RYH > >M=CQ^$L_PAA="!C86X@86-C96QE#@F%T92!C86YC97(*/B @S')O9W)EY^W-W;VXN(B!- > >M;W)E(#-A;B!B92!F;W5N9"!O;B!T:$ES('-I=*>4N"@I4:$%N:W,L($D@:$%V
(PROLONGED APPLAUSE AND CHEERING)
> >M92!B;V]K;6%R:V5D(%>ET(>%>%N9"!W:6QL(')E860@:70@9G5L;'D@05-!4"X > >M 0 8 !!='1A8VAM96YT > >,($-O=6YT! > > > >end > >
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AS IT APPEARS IN THE TEXT: ($5-1B!R96CA=3D&5D(&AE86QT:"!P<F]B
Left parenthesis dollar five minus one bee, ($5-1B Exclamation are nine six Cee. !R96C Ay equals sign three Dee, ampersand five Dee, A=3D &5D Left paren'ampersand Ay Eee, (&AE Eight six cue Tee. 86QT Colon doublequote exclamation point Pee, :"!P Less-than eff right bracket be. <F]B
Explanatory Note: [The text I attribute to Mr. Pierce is no less sensible than the claptrap he espouses. The applause I attribute to his audience is as reasonable as the applause his gibberish evokes from his self-serving supporters. There is nothing surprising about cynical people affecting to be persuaded by what is patently unpersuasive, to be impressed by what is clearly unimpressive, to be moved to laud what is egregiously unlaudable. Countless generations of scoundrels have sought to further their interests through lavish praise of the emperor's fine clothes.]