TOXIC WELLS, NEW JERSEY
by Jonathan Marin
In the spirit of Community, I'm pleased to present the Chamber of Commerce Brochure of our delightful little town. As you'll quickly see, we're unique in many ways. I'm sure you'll want to visit, and perhaps even consider relocating here.
You probably already know Toxic Wells, New Jersey. The classic film "Their Town" was filmed here. More recently, we've been the setting for the heartwarming Hollywood production "On Fuming Pond", and the dramatic "A Sewer Runs Through It". Do come on down, and sniff around.
Downtown, there is the prizewinning Superfund Monument. It's situated in Times Beach Square, the pre-revolutionary Village Green affectionately known by residents as the "Village Brown". The Monument features the multicolored Effluent Fountain, and the stump of a magnificent bronze statue of James "Conservation for Use" Watt, which was unfortunately eaten away by acids during the dedication ceremonies.
Opposite the "Brown" is one of the townsfolks' favorite watering holes, "The Leaking Drum". This delightful, quaint tavern boasts the largest selection of bottled Spring Water in the entire Northeast, has distilled and New York City water "on tap", and features no less than twelve different versions of "Smoke Gets in Your Eyes" on its juke box.
Head out from the center of town along West Wastepit Avenue, toward the Ruptured Culvert Historic Site and picturesque Thickwater Falls. Just beyond Swan Song Lake ("Public Swimming and Paint Removal") you will see the turnoff to Old Dumpsite Park. Home of the world famous Silent Spring Gardens, whose Blooming Ponds of Algae are in bloom year-round, the park also houses the only zoo in the East without a single live animal. Across Leachfield Road from the zoo is the prestigious Seepage Institute. The modest two-storey structures are the school buildings and laboratories. The larger building is the school infirmary, a hotbed of research in the field of juvenile emphysema.
Prosperity has blessed the town throughout its long history, and it has proudly lived up to its motto: "Effluence Means Affluence". It also means influence, and our political leaders work tirelessly to educate the public to the obvious but widely misunderstood truth: "Poisons Don't Kill People, Breathing and Drinking Them Do It". Local folk often refer to the pervasive aroma as "the sweet smell of success", and they will gleefully share their anecdotes about visiting Wall Street types trying to "sniff the green" without inhaling it.
Local conditions have spawned a wide variety of successful businesses. Crematoria throughout the state rely on the services of Crem de la Chem, out on Sewerditch Creek Road. The bodies of the departed are left in the parking lot overnight. By morning, they are completely dissolved and ready to be poured into urns.
Firms offering travel-related services find special opportunities here. The "Be Prepared" Travel Center gradually weans hopeful travelers to fresh air, and weans returning travelers back to the "green, green air of home". Although their efforts to promote Toxic Wells as a prominent eco-tourism destination have not yet been successful, the Center is thriving, and remains a necessity for local residents planning out-of-town trips.
Mom's Diner looks ready to become a big time national franchise chain. It's always crowded with sophisticated out-of-towners who are preparing to travel to third-world countries. They know that they can count on Mom's uninspected, unregulated fare to expose them to all the bugs they're likely to encounter while they're abroad, so that by the time they go, their bodies' systems will be ready.
Wall Street thinks Mom's is a "can't miss" for everyone who's ever suffered Montezuma's Revenge. In a joint venture with a chain of hospitals, they've set up the franchising as a for-profit association, called the American Society for the Spread of Filth and Epidemic Disease (A.S.S.F.E.D.).
The Planned Parenthood operation is also doing well. Their spa here promises to relieve the public relations difficulties which plague the Mother Organization, and perhaps even help resolve the national abortion debate. Clients come to town for the waters, stay for a few days, and then go home, leaving their troubles behind them. The prosperity of the local motels is a recent development. The women were rarely staying more than one night, so there were always quite a few empty rooms. Then the Motel Directors started watering down the water. Now the women stay longer, and the occupancy rate is close to a hundred per cent.
Over the years, the Bubbling Brook Company has established itself as a bulwark of the motion picture industry, supplying it with a whole panoply of mutants to be cast as dragonlike monsters, alien life forms, bipedal turtles, and the like. Residents are quick to point out that any dinosaurs you might see around are not prehistoric leftovers; they're newly evolved.
Generations of children have been brought up around Toxic Wells. Kids frolic for hours after school on the playgrounds and ballfields down at the Squish Meadows Play Area. On hot afternoons they can go for a dip in the Greenish River out by Fish Kill Point, or go boating on beautiful Lake La Treen. On weekends, you can drop them off for the whole day to enjoy the exciting unsupervised activities at the "Devil May Care" Amusement Park; be sure to pack their bathing suits, and their inhalers.
In upscale neighborhoods such as Sterile Wetlands Plantations and Radonhurst, people fastidiously maintain their houses, their grounds, and their "For Sale" signs, which they refurbish or replace at least once a year. Homes are surprisingly affordable! You can get full details from the helpful people at Love Canal Realty, conveniently located in the heart of downtown, at the corner of Elm and Chestnut.
THE TOXIC CHEMICAL MALL CHORUS At the Toxic Chemical Mall The Toxic Chemical Mall They do not spare Water, soil, or air At the Toxic Chemical Mall I. There's paths to bike And trails to hike In winter there's a sleighride. There's boats to take On a sterile lake That's mostly vinyl chloride. Corroded drums Leak noxious gums To welcome all who enter. Lead-toxious fuels In storage pools Feed a fountain at the center. CHORUS At the Toxic Chemical Mall The Toxic Chemical Mall They do not spare Water, soil, or air At the Toxic Chemical Mall II. There's aldehydes That'll burn your eyes When the fountain starts a-pumpin' It'll fry your gills With the caustic spills Of years and years of dumpin'. No need to sniff To catch a whiff The aroma is pervasive. If you're like to cough It'll set you off It's guaranteed abrasive. CHORUS At the Toxic Chemical Mall The Toxic Chemical Mall They do not spare Water, soil, or air At the Toxic Chemical Mall III. There's eggless hens And mutagens That make the boldest cautious. The acrid smell From every well Makes even sewer rats nauseous. There's a benzene shower 'Bout every hour At the hydrocarbon river. Breathe N-O-x And drifting specks, While the alkenes coat your liver. CHORUS At the Toxic Chemical Mall The Toxic Chemical Mall They do not spare Water, soil, or air At the Toxic Chemical Mall IV. Condensing spume Will sputter and fume Hell, it's been reported glowin'. Its special kick Makes the Eastside sick When the old west wind's a-blowin'. It's known to choke Air breathing folk Of every rank and station. It's a monument To the judge-u-ment Of a Great Industrial Nation. CHORUS The Toxic Chemical Mall The Toxic Chemical Mall They do not spare Water, soil, or air At the Toxic Chemical Mall V. Great valves of brass Spread laughing gas That numbs the minds of locals. Rich financiers High-five broad sneers At the dumb defenseless yokels. Their industry Will come for free They'll promise jobs and manna. They'll help your state Enjoy the fate Of sweet Louisiana. CHORUS The Toxic Chemical Mall The Toxic Chemical Mall They do not spare Water, soil, or air At the Toxic Chemical Mall
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"THE TOXIC CHEMICAL MALL" (C) 2001, 2002 by Jonathan Marin
The color scheme (TM) of this page is courtesy The New Jersey Department of Motor Vehicles.
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Last modified on March 4, 2001