BWA HA HA

Kaiser Ape's Limerick Page

Two thumbs had the Bishop of Buckinham
As he sat on the river bank sucking 'em
While watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks who were fucking 'em.

There was a young maid from Madras
Who had a magnificent ass
Not rounded and pink
As you probably think
It was grey, had long ears, and ate grass.

There was a young sailor named Bates
Who danced the fandango on skates.
But a fall on his cutlass
Has rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.

To his bride said the lynx-eyed detective,
"Can it be that my eyesight's defective?
Has your east tit the least bit
The best of the west tit?
Or is it a trick of perspective?"

A mathematician named Hall
Has a hexahedronical ball
And the cube of its weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number. Give him a call.

That miserly Count of Swoboda
Would not pay a whore what he owed her
So with great savoir-faire
She stood on a chair
And peed in his whiskey-and-soda.

On a maiden a man once begat
Darling triplets named Nat, Tat and Pat
'Twas fun in the breeding
But hell in the feeding
She hadn't a spare tit for Tat.

There once was a harlot at Yale
With her price-list tattooed on her tail
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind,
She had it embroidered in Braille.

An impish young fellow named James
Had a passion for idiot games.
He lighted the hair
Of his lady's affair
And laughed as she peed through the flames.

A lady while dining at Crewe
Found a circumcised cock in her stew.
Said the waitress, "Don't shout,
Or wave it about,
Or the rest will be wanting one, too."

Said the mythical King of Algiers
To his harem assembled, "My dears,
You may think it odd of me
But I'm tired of sodomy;
Tonight there'll be fucking!" (Loud cheers!)

There was a young lady of Twickenham
Who liked to suck dicks after picking' 'em.
She'd kneel on the sod,
And pray to her God
To lengthen and strengthen and thicken 'em.

A bather whose clothing was strewed
By breezes that left her quite nude
Saw a man come along,
And, unless I am wrong,
You expected this line to be lewd.

There was a young lady named Clair
Who possessed a magnificent pair;
Or that's what I thought
'Til I saw one get caught
On a thorn, and begin to lose air.

There was a young fellow from Florida
Who liked a friend's wife, so he borrowed her.
When they got into bed
He cried, "God strike me dead!
Now this ain't a cunt - it's a corridor!"

A teenager, Betty McEwen
Inquired, "Why bother with screwing?
It's safer and cleaner
To suck a boy's weiner,
And besides you can see what you're doing."

There was a young man of Cape Horn
Who wished he had never been born;
And he wouldn't have been
If his father had seen
That the end of the rubber was torn.

A hungry young lady from Leeds
Rashly swallowed a package of seeds.
Great tufts of fine grass
Sprouted out of her ass
And her cunt was all covered with weeds.

There was a young lady at sea
Who complained that it hurt her to pee.
"Aha!" said the mate,
"That accounts for the state
Of the cook and the captain and me."

A mortician who practiced in Fyfe,
Made love to the corpse of his wife.
"I didn't know, Judge!
She was cold, didn't budge -
Just the same as she acted in life."

A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
"The height of my folly
Was sex with a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups."

'Tis reported that Prince Montezuma
Once had an affair with a puma.
The puma in play
Clawed both balls away:
An example of animal humor.

A prosperous merchant of Rhone
Took orders for cunt on the phone;
Or the same could be baled,
Stamped, labeled, and mailed
To a limited parcel-post zone.

There was a young fellow named Sweeney
Whose girl was a terrible meanie.
The hatch of her snatch
Had a catch that would latch
She could only be screwed by Houdini.

An agreeable girl named Miss Doves
Likes to jerk off the boys that she loves.
She will use her bare fist
If the fellows insist
But she really prefers to wear gloves.

An Argentine gaucho named Bruno
Once said, "There is one thing I do know:
A woman is fine
And a sheep is divine
But a llama is Numero Uno!"

There was a young lady from Spain
Whose face was exceedingly plain,
But her cunt had a pucker
That made the men fuck her
Again and again and again.

There was an old hermit named Dave
Who carried dead whores to his cave
He said, with a grunt,
"This is mighty good cunt
And think of the money I save!"

A young anorexic from Arden
Blew the hobos that passed by her garden.
A friend said, "Dear Flo,
Where does all that stuff go?"
She said, with a swallow, "beg pardon?"

There once was a girl from Peru
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too."

There was a young man of Bengal
Who swore he had only one ball
But two sons-of-bitches
Then pulled off his britches
And the bastard had no balls at all.

THAT FELLOW NAMED SKINNER

There was a young fellow named Skinner
Who took a young lady to dinner
They started to dine
At a quarter past nine
And at twenty to ten it was in 'er.
The dinner? No, Skinner.
Skinner was in 'er BEFORE dinner.

There was a young fellow named Tupper
Who took a young lady to supper
They sat down to dine
At a quarter to nine
And at twenty to ten it was up 'er.
Not the supper. Not Tupper. It was some son-of-a-bitch named Skinner!

A nun from the convent at Locke
Had a vision of sucking a cock
In a spell of depression
She went to confession
And blew the old priest in his box.

There was a young girl of Llewellyn
Whose breasts were as big as a melon
They were big, it was true
But her cunt was big too
Like a bifocal, full-color, aerial view
of Cape Horn and the Straits of Magellan.

There was a young man from Racine
Who invented a fucking machine
Both concave and convex
It would fit either sex
And so perfectly simple to clean!

There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea
Said the lady, "Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming."
Said the plumber, still plumbing, "That's me."

A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean
In twenty-eight days
They screwed eighty ways
Imagine such fucking devotion!

There once was a lovely young miss
Who went down the river to read
A young man in a punt
Stuck an oar in her eye
And now the poor girl must wear glasses!

In the Garden of Eden lay Adam
Complacently screwing his madam
And loud was his mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls - and he had 'em.

There was a young girl from Sofia
Who succumbed to her lover's desire
She said, "It's a sin
But now that it's in
Could you shove it a few inches higher?"

There once was a fellow named Hyde
Who fell down a privy and died
His unfortunate brother
Then fell down another
And now they're interred side by side.

There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the town clerk took advantage
Said the county surveyor,
"Of course you must pay her
You've altered the line of her frontage."

A young violinist in Rio
Was seducing a lady named Cleo
As he took down her panties
She said, "No andantes
I want this allegro con brio!"

A weary old lecher named Blott
Took a luscious young girl on his yacht
Too lazy to rape her
He made darts of paper
Which he leisurely tossed at her twat.

A lonely old maid of Bordeaux
Fell in love with a dashing young beau
To entice his regard
She would squat in his yard
And appealingly piss in the snow.

There was a young couple named Kelly
Who were forced to walk belly to belly
Because in their haste
They used library paste
Which they thought was the vaginal jelly.

There was a young man of Kildare
Who was fucking his bride on the stair
The bannister broke
But he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.

A ravishing lady named Hall
Wore a newspaper dress to a ball
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sporting section and all.

There once was a girl from New Haven
Who performed oral sex on a raven
She said with a grin
As she wiped off her chin
"Please, again?"
Said the bird, "Nevermore!"

An old archaeologist, Throstle
Had discovered a marvelous fossil
And he knew from its bend
And the knob on the end
'Twas the peter of Paul the Apostle.

There was a young lady from Reno
Who lost all her dough playing Keno
So she lay on her back
And she opened her crack
That was then. Now she owns the casino.

The lesbian Sappho, of Greece
Said, "What I prefer to a 'piece'
Is to have my pudenda
Rubbed hard by the end-a
The little pink nose of my niece."

There was a once girl from Pawtucket
On a train with some fish in a bucket
The conductor, named Pickett
Said "Madame, your ticket?"
So she lifted her dress and said "Suck it"

That's the way an elderly lady at work told it to me when I was about 19 years old. I recently told my teenage son the limerick, and he said it should be "she lifted her dress and said "Lick it". Hmm, that works, too.