Help!  Complete Lack of Support at Home!

Unfortunately, it is a truism - sometimes when we make really big changes in our lives that those who love us get very "defensive" - this can translate at the very least to a "lack of support", and even to outright hostility.

It doesn't mean they "really don't love" us - on the contrary, it often indicates a deep love, but also a deep fear. It's one thing to set a "goal" - say, losing weight... but it's quite another thing to not only "say" you're going to do it, but to actually begin to DO the things you need
to do to make it succeed. 

Well, that can be "ok" too, for a while. Until you really DO start to have some success... this can be a trigger to an insecure person not that "wonderful things are happening" - but "big scary changes are happening".

They get scared. They may not even realize it, but they do. They start thinking, way down deep, that if YOU get "better", you will think "worse" of them, and their faults and imperfections. Particularly with weight-loss, since this is tied into so many other societal aspects, particularly our sense of feeling attractive and our sexuality.

Lets just say, for instance, that you are a middle-aged housewife. (It can go both ways, of course, but just for illustration purposes, lets just do it this way!) You've been "dieting" for years, with little success. You find out about low-carbing, and actually start having some significant progress! Wow! You go to your hubby, and tell him you've lost ten pounds!  Yay!  You're jumping for joy, right? 

Well, you'd like to, but instead of being happy with you, your dear hubby makes a nasty comment of some kind... and totally ruins your mood.  Here's  your darling husband, who could use to lose a few himself, and ain't no Tom Cruise, and now he's not exactly being what anyone would call supportive. He makes biting, sarcastic comments, on his night to cook, he makes all kinds of high-carb meals. He constantly tells you that you'll "never" stick with this way of eating, and he doesn't comment, except maybe to comment on how far you still have to go, when you tell him how many pounds you have to lose. You want to strangle him, or at least start making your own cracks about his bulging tummy and balding head!!!  What the heck is his problem anyway?  

Well, look at it this way - for a man who is a bit balding and dumpy to face the prospect of suddenly having a pretty, sexy wife, while he feels "down" on himself, this can be a very, very, very scary prospect for him. He might be afraid that she will leave him, he might even, way down deep, feel like she "should", because he feels like maybe he doesn't "measure up"... If he *is* insecure, this will really throw up his defense mechanisms. And unfortunately, a very common defense against being hurt is going on the "attack" first. Hack at the "opponent" first, before they can hack away at you... it only makes things worse, and can become a "self-fulfilling prophecy", and split the couple apart, when initially, it was the farthest of possibilities, and never would have happened to begin with...

Unconsciously it's a sort of case of "sour grapes" - remember the story? The fox couldn't get what he wanted, so he claimed the grapes were nasty anyway, and who would want them anyhow... He's deathly afraid of losing you, and so very insecure it's hard for him to believe you'd want someone "like him", so he may feel, way down deep, that if he can't have you, then he doesn't "really" want you, when in fact, way down deep, he's desperate and panicking, and screaming for reassurance!

It's a hard situation to be in. You want the praise, you want the congratulations, especially from those you love! Now, instead of sharing your happiness, he's hacking at you. You want to lash out and hit back, but this will only make you into a shrew, and make things worse. What can you do?

First off, don't let the negativity knock you off of low-carbing. This way of eating is working for you, don't throw it away!  

Look for support in other places.  That's why there are so many online support groups, and Usenet newsgroups!  Talk to sympathetic friends.  (about your successes, not his attitude!) And that reminds me - try real hard NOT to run about complaining about how "mean" he is - that only reinforces the idea in your mind, and hardens your heart against him.  It won't help...

Try and find ways to soothe and calm yourself, when he's not around. Music, meditation, walks, a hot bath with a good book and some candles - anything you find soothing, that makes you feel peaceful.  

Knowing where he's coming from is half the battle. Cultivate as much patience with him as you'd have with a child who's scared of big changes in his life. It's an apt analogy! Just like you wouldn't lash back at a cranky child, just let his nastiness slide off your back, like water off a duck. You can't win these "arguments". They aren't really arguments anyway, but more like probing "feelers". He wants to see if he's still valued and cherished. (believe it or not). 

If you can manage to maintain a gentle response, and let him know you DO love him and care for him (and his health), he should eventually subside... In other words, don't respond to the words he is saying, respond to the words he's NOT saying...

Good luck! And happy low-carbing!

Lisa Alekna
2/15/00