People are different in fundamental ways. We are all unique creations of God. We all want different things; we have different motives, purposes, aims, values, needs, drives, impulses, urges, likes and dislikes. Nothing is more fundamental than that. We think, conceptualize, perceive, understand, and comprehend differently. And of course, the manner in which we behave and express our emotions is then going follow suit from these preferences and personality trends and, of course, differ radically among us all.

This is simple common sense, isn’t it? Yet, why then, do we insist, on some buried emotional level, that everyone needs to be the same as we are? Most of the most fundamental causes of tension and discord in our lives can be traced back in some way, to intolerance, or maybe simply forgetting of the fundamental fact of our uniqueness.

Differences abound and are not at all difficult to see, if one looks. It is precisely these variations in behavior and attitude that trigger in each of us a common response: we see that others around us are different. We may then fall into the trap of concluding that these differences are somehow "wrong" or ascribe negative connotations to them, perhaps even assuming a deliberate intention on the other persons part to cause us distress in some way. Our goal then, at least for those near us, would seem to be to correct these flaws. 

This rather absurd feeling, that people are fundamentally all alike, may be explained by Western legalistic thought. If we are "equals" legally, then we must be "alike" in the most fundamental ways as well. Nevertheless, no matter how much we "feel" this way, we know rationally, and from God’s Word, that we are all unique.

What we need to do, rather than insist that everyone be carbon copies of ourselves, is to work as hard as we can for balance within ourselves and to realize, celebrate, and cherish the fundamental uniqueness of every soul that God has created.

There are tools that claim to be able to define personality types, from the quasi-clinical Myers-Briggs tool and the Keirsey Temperament Sorter, to New Age re-worked occult Sufism such as Enneagrams, people attempt to pigeon hole each other in an attempt to understand each other. However, you must remember, identification of personality types is not a tool that is of any use for you, except as a starting point for your own change. The most important aspect of an awareness of personality types is to use this awareness as a tool by which you can come to better relate to others. You can then learn to look at your spouse, for example, as a different person; someone you don't quite understand, but someone that you can come to truly cherish for their unique qualities. Similarly, you can gain an appreciation for your offspring, parents, superior, subordinates, colleagues, and friends.

In 1979 Albert Ellis described what he then called Rational-Emotive Therapy. It is a model of human behavior that teaches the concept that what we become is a direct result of the things we tend to focus on. To quote Qui-Gon Jinn, from the recent Star Wars movie, "Your focus determines your reality". In a very real sense this is true. In counseling, we call this "self-talk" and the messages that you tell yourself, rational or irrational, are how you live your life. They become, literally, your reality.

The language that we use, the constant telling ourselves about our "could-a, would-a, should-a’s" is a fundamental tool that we use to shape this reality of ours. Take the classic Marlon Brando line from "On the Waterfront" – "I coulda been a contender, instead of a bum, which is what I am". He is, destructively, dwelling on the past, his lost dreams, his missed chances, and in addition, stating his present, as a negative. He says he is a bum, and so, he is right. He is a bum. He "spoke it into reality". If we talk to ourselves, and others, with language that is characteristic of regret, hopelessness, helplessness and self-condemnation we will create self-fulfilling prophecies for ourselves.

But quite the reverse it true as well. We can learn to change our language, leaning less on the past, and our regrets, and the way things could have been, or what we would have done if only "given the chance". We can become less absolute and dogmatic, and learn to stop insisting on how things "should" be. What is done is done, what is in the past is in the past. What "should be" is in God’s capable hands.

When we can look at ourselves, and recognize the messages we have been speaking into reality, regarding ourselves and others, that is the second tool in your toolbox, for addressing issues of conflict resolution.

3. Learning the True Nature of Forgiveness

For many years, I have taught the lesson of forgiveness. So many people really don’t understand it at all. Yet, most of our worst conflicts come from this very, very deep root, of anger, and being unable to forgive one another. The anger we feel over how things "should have been" and weren’t. Or the injustice of any sort that we perceive coming from the other person, blinds us. Puts us on the attack. Puts them, then, on the defensive. Why can’t we just forgive one another?

Jesus spoke and said - "I tell you, on the Day of Judgment people will render an account for every careless word they speak. By your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned." Matthew12:36-37

Paul spoke and said - "But now you must put them all away: anger, fury, malice, slander, and obscene language out of your mouths." Col. 3:8

Christ Himself forgave the soldiers who killed him. Jesus said, "Forgive them, Father! They don't know what they are doing." (Luke 23:34) and do we ever, when we are driven by anger?

The fundamental problem seems to lie in the language we have become accustomed to using for forgiveness. We say, "Oh, it’s alright", when in point of fact, it very much is NOT alright! (Is it?)

Yet, as long as we refuse to forgive someone, we are actually in bondage to them. By that, I mean the thing we can't or rather won’t forgive tends to control our actions and thoughts towards that person, and we then operate out of that spirit of unforgivness.

Well, some things are NOT all right, and will NEVER be all right, but we can still forgive. Forgiving those who "trespass against us" has nothing at all to do with validating their actions. It has everything to do with letting go, inside yourself, of anger, bitterness, fear, and even hatred. But especially, letting go of the hurt, the sorrow and the grief for the loss of the way things "should have been".

Forgiveness is NOT validation of the harm someone has done, or the sin committed. It is NOT absolution. That is quite different. Absolution, on the other hand, does indeed involve a response from the person who has committed the offense. They must consciously realize what they have done, feel real regret for the harm, for the sin, not for just getting caught. They must truly resolve to never do that again, to the best of their ability. And the must seek to make recompense. Then they may earn absolution. But forgiveness involves none of that. Forgiveness is on your end, something you do, and it's for yourself, mostly, not for the person who committed the harm. Forgiveness is simply letting go of your anger, your hurt, and starting over.

Therefore, we can forgive, certainly, those who will not speak to us, because of their own chains of anger, even those that are dead and gone, and will never speak to us again. Forgiving unlocks the chains that bind us to the past, and allows us to move forward. To take our lives back, and begin anew.

We can forgive ourselves, too, all the things we've done in our lives that we regret; that we fear others might find out about. As much as we must learn to forgive others, in order to resolve our conflicts with them, it is also vital that we learn to forgive ourselves, in order to resolve the conflicts within our selves. These inner conflicts can be, in fact, more devastating than anger directed at anyone else, and this can destroy our health, our emotional balance, and our spirits.

If we cling to the hurts of the past, refusing to forgive under the mistaken impression that we are supposed to somehow tell someone that "it's alright" to hurt us, then we are clinging to pain. That person long ago stopped hurting us, but by hanging on to that anger, that unforgiving mindset, we re-injure ourselves over, and over, and over.

Forgiveness is a gift, a gift freely given, to us by Christ, and to us, by ourselves. Don't be afraid to forgive! It can open so many doors to you, build so many bridges to others! Let it be another tool, then, in your toolbox.

Next tool for your toolbox... Back in the 40’s a therapist by the name of Viktor Frankl was captured by the Nazi’s and sent to a concentration camps. In that place of horror, he survived, and lived to teach us a great many things about the meaning we can find in our challenges, and about our search for meaning.

Frankl is virtually the only one of the major theorists to address the spirit of mankind. All others focus on observable behavior, or logical constructs for assumed motivations, drawn from observable behavior. But Frankl recognized a fundamentally different facet of mankind, our souls. He spoke of "meaning" and the "spirit", and freely admitted that these were things that could not be defined or measured. His therapy is called logotherapy, from the Greek word logos, which can be defined as "meaning", "word", "spirit", or even as "God". He says we all have a deep desire towards meaning, towards spirituality, in our lives. Some may call that the search for God.

Frankl also uses the Greek word noös, which means mind or spirit. In traditional psychology, he suggests, we focus on "psychodynamics", which sees people as trying to reduce tension. But, he says, that should NOT be our primary focus. Instead, we should primarily pay attention to what he called noödynamics, which sees tension as necessary for health, at least when it comes to meaning that is, seeking our own unique goals. People actually desire the tension involved in striving for some worthy goal!

This striving after intrinsic meaning can, though, be frustrated, and this frustration can lead to what he called noögenic neurosis, or what others might call a spiritual crisis. People today seem, more than ever, to be experiencing their lives as empty, meaningless, purposeless, aimless, and so on. They seem to be responding to these experiences with unusually violent behaviors that hurt themselves, or other people, or to lash out at society, or all three. This then, can be a third root to creating conflict, and it can be the deepest and most pervasive. And the most painful.

Frankl spoke of the existential vacuum. If meaning is what we desire, then the frustration towards that desire, and the resultant meaninglessness is a hole, an emptiness, in our lives. This is excruciatingly painful, and we desperately, even frantically seek to fill this vacuum.

We might try to fill this horrible sucking "black hole" in our hearts, with selfish pleasure seeking, or with "busy-ness," to avoid even seeing the emptiness of our souls, gluttony to fill ourselves with food and take the place of all the other things we feel we lack, fornication, to substitute for the love we crave, or we might seek power, especially the power represented by monetary success, because maybe we hope we can buy the meaning we so desperately crave.

We are all "seekers", and to forget that is to demean each other’s dreams. We each have our own path to follow. Just as you are a unique individual, you also have unique goals. So do those around you.

Frankl believes that many problems stem from an overemphasis on oneself. By orienting yourself away from yourself and onto others, problems often disappear. Again, it is a matter of understanding. You have your own unique goals. So do others. When you can take the focus off yourself, and focus on the needs of the other, you often suddenly find yourself achieving your own goals. Why am I suddenly reminded of the most basic fundamental of Christian thought? Love one another as I have loved you. Love your neighbor as yourself. (Right?)

Dale Carnegie told a great story that illustrates that idea, of the other guy being more important. In his book, "How to Win Friends and Influence People", he talks about being at a dinner party. He is with a companion, who is speaking to another gentleman. The gentleman quotes what he says is Shakespeare, but is not. Dale’s friend immediately takes a breath preparatory to correcting him, at the dinner table, in front of everyone. He knows the quote, and who said it, and knows for a certainty that he is correct, and the other gentleman is quite wrong. However, as he takes a breath to open his mouth and protest, Dale kicked him under the table, hard.

Later, his friend, undoubtedly rubbing a bruise asked him why on earth he’d stopped him from correcting the man. Dale shared with him the fundamental truth of communication, and even, maybe, positive human relationships in general – Don’t argue. Never. Ever!! Why? Because it doesn’t work, and you can never really win an argument anyway.

If the other person is indeed wrong, and you then call them out on it, get in their face about it, especially publicly, you will then make them angry, setting them up to be defensive, closing down the blast doors, as it were, and preventing any possibility of further communication. They will be furious, they won’t be listening to you, and they won’t be your friend, either. If you challenge them publicly, they will feel humiliated as well. You lose, you both lose, in fact.

On the other hand, if the other person is actually right, and you attack them on the issue, and you are proved to wrong, they are going to be angry for the attack they perceive, and they now think you are a fool as well. And again, they aren’t listening to you, they feel ill-used in public, and they are most definitely not your friend. You lose, you both lose again.

Should we then always let the other guy have his way? Be a human doormat? Never "stick up" for ourselves? No, certainly not! Sometimes it’s best, yes, to let a small thing just slide, but too much of that can damage a relationship as well. Assume, first and foremost that the other individual is of paramount importance to you. You care for them, you cherish them. That’s your starting point. Choose your "battles" carefully. In fact, avoid the appearance of going on the attack. Forget the concept of I win, you lose. You are looking to have both of you feel good about the situation.

Be careful and aware of how you frame your words. Use discretion, circumspection, and respect the other person. In other words, do unto others, as you would have them do unto you. 9 times out of 10, you will find that if you do this, you can still make your point, and still let the other person know you really do care for them.

Stephen Covey loved Frankl’s ideas and used them heavily in his 7 Habits books. He wrote that we are indeed a bundle of habits, that is mindless, thoughtless repetitive behaviors, but we are intrinsically different than animals, who respond automatically, action/reaction. We have God given skills that we can use. We can learn to insert them in between the action, what happens to us, and the reaction, that is, how we respond. We can choose our responses. Using our awareness, our creativity, our imagination, our kindness, our ability to know right from wrong, and our love for each other we can insert these things into the space between action and reaction, and make better choices! Eventually, we can literally form new "habits", good ones, ones we develop purposefully and with forethought!

How do we learn to do this. Well, when dealing with those we know and love, we (hopefully) come to recognize that there are certain things that tend to start conflict. We need to be aware of them (yes, awareness again!!) and we can then mentally pre-prepare ourselves for them. One young man and I discussed the conflict he had every day when he came home from school. His foster mother, he felt, always picked on him. She felt she was simply asking him about his day. He felt it was an Inquisition! She wasn’t going to stop asking how his day went. He wasn’t going to stop being irritable about it. But he wanted to. He would describe the irritability as an "uncontrollable urge" that just jumped out of him. What could he do? We addressed it by step by step imagining that he was walking towards the door, putting his hand on the doorknob, and before he opened it, taking a deep breath. That was it. That deep breath was enough to remind him to "chill out" a bit, before he went inside, and set him up to be in a more positive mindset. From that point on, he and his foster mother had many more peaceful afternoons.  Try it yourself.  Add this way of learning new habits to your toolbox!

It seems so simple doesn’t it, when you think about it? But what is conflict after all, but poor communication, lack of awareness of the other person’s uniqueness and their own goals, and hanging onto anger and bitterness, that leads to negative interactions?

If you can be aware of each other’s uniqueness, if you can break through the wall of assumptions about how things are "supposed to be", and climb out of the Slough of Despond created by your focus on your past failures, if you can see where the other person is coming from, and love them, and make them more important to you than yourself, if you can learn to forgive, and if you can learn to recognize moments of opportunity, moments of golden opportunity to slide those skills you have into the gap between action and reaction – suddenly there is no conflict.

There still may be challenges that need to be addressed, but now it’s a discussion, not an argument, not a fight. Now it’s a plan that you address together, not a plan of attack, against each other. You are treating the other guy how you want to be treated, and he’s responding to that. Maybe not in kind, not right away, especially if you have a history of negative interactions. But like a plant turning towards the sun, they will slowly turn back towards the light you shine as well. If we truly learn to "shine", like Jesus, we cannot help but have better relations with those around us!

There is one place all of us can always turn for support to gain balance in our personalities, to gain help communicating, and in loving each other, and that is God. Through prayer we can ask for help, and receive grace, and strength from the Holy Spirit. If we are able to open ourselves to the Holy Spirit, to let Him into our hearts and our lives. He will help us; to use the skills God has given us all.

10/1/99
© Lisa Alekna