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Greetings
& Welcome to my rambling.. |
|
Greetings
& Welcome to my rambling.. |
| Well, well, aren't you
the curious one? Hello, and welcome to my life. Or, at least my version of
it. LOL Lemme see - where to begin? Basics, I guess. I'm a single mom, and I'm 44. I will age again in June - yikes - I just did the math - this year I'm going to be 45? Should I stop and have a mid-life crisis? Or should I wait until I'm 50? LOL Actually... I kinda forgetting how old I I am... but I keep getting astounded when I realize I am talking to an "adult" who was born the year I graduated high school! Yeesh! Umm... what else? Green eyes, and I stand 5' 10 in my stocking feet, long, long hair, down to the middle of my back, you can see all that on the photos up there - and on the photo album page - if you're all that interested.... I chopped about six inches off a couple months ago - It had gotten to be a cubit long, we measured it. If you don't know how long a cubit is, go ask Bill Cosby... [grin] The rest, as Anne McCaffery says, is subject to change without notice! LOL I've been a single mom since 8 o'clock day one. I've never been married, and my son's father took off before he was born. So it goes, as they say. Hopefully I learn from my mistakes, right? Yeah, and I have made some doozies in my time - but I can tell you for sure and for certain, that my "little boy" is certainly not one of them! (and he's not so little any more!) We're doing alright. I truly believe that the challenges I've had to face as a single mom have made me stronger, and opened me to the grace of God. In a very big way, it was my son that brought me back into the Church. At first, I just felt I had a "duty" towards my son. So, he was baptized, and I'd take him to church. But as the years have passed, and I've had to answer so many questions, everything from "Where is God?" to "Why did Jesus have to die?", I found the faith of my childhood returning to me, and that has been the biggest blessing of all! A pure "grace of God thing", through the pure faith of my child. Once upon a time, my life was caught up in the things of the world. In worrying about loss and lonlieness. I felt I was unhappy. I didn't realize that wherever I was, I was where God wanted me to be. I sinned, and part of that cost was separation from God, and the Church. Feelings of isolation from people are bad enough. When the emptiness in your heart is the ache for the Lord - it's endless. When I was very young, I loved the Lord deeply. I had a hidden desire in my heart, that I never told anyone about. I wanted to be a saint. I wanted, maybe, to even be a nun. Shh! Don't tell anyone! :-) Once I dreamed.... Oh... this dream was a dream you have once in a lifetime. I was 10 years old - and I dreamed I was at the Crucifixion. I was there. I could feel the stone walls, the dirt under my feet. I was in the darkness that fell when He died. I could see His torn, bloody flesh, and I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. I remember the fear - not so much for myself, but for my Friend, my Lord, this dear, dear Teacher whom I had loved so much, and THEY, the soldiers, they had killed him. I remember the horrible, crushing grief. I woke up weeping. I told a teacher (a nun) - I went to a Catholic grammer school at the time - and she was shocked. She didn't think I was insane... she told me I'd had a vision. I used to spend as much time as I could in the church - even at recess. It was always open. I remember sitting in front of the Blessed Mother, and just talking to her. Looking up at Jesus on the Cross, and just talking to Him. Ya... I know, I was a weird kid. I was shy, and never knew how to tell anyone about my dreams. I read stories of the saints all the time. I prayed all the time that God would help me be a saint too. But as I got older - some things happened. Some... really bad things.... As a teenager I went through some experiences that really changed me. I became withdrawn. Mistrustful. I felt unclean, or like there was something wrong with me. Like I could never be "good enough" to serve God. I felt like God would never want someone like me in His service. I wanted to reach out for help. But I didn't have any idea where to go. I went away to college. I studied psychology because I wanted to help people. My grandparents and my father were Lithuanian. They had lived through World War II. My grandmother suffered terribly from what we now call "Post-traumatic Stress Disorder" - back then they just said she had a "nervous breakdown". She had terrible memories. Her faith was part of her lifeline. Learning how to help folks like her was part of my motivation in going into the psych field. But in college I also had some more terrible experiences. I even ended up homeless for a while, my sophomore year. I became estranged from my father for two years. It was a very rough time. I completely stopped going to Mass, and my faith became nothing more than a series of "hypothetical" conversations with friends, many of whom were at best agnostics, some of whom were involved in New Age or occult practices that were all the rage with young people then. Like Augustine, before his conversion, or Dorothy Day, before her baptism, I lived a life of sin, degridation, and all the time I was looking for love. I sought eros - passion - and what I really needed was agape - divine love. I had a God-shaped hole in my heart. Oh - I knew something was wrong. I called myself "a seeker". I always said I was a "spiritual person". I never quite shook off my Catholic faith and never could join another church. And just the thought of giving up Jesus - was like telling a relative "hey, I'm not related to you any more". Fortunately, I reconciled with my father, and we were on loving terms for about a year, before he passed away, when I was 22. But that sent me into another tailspin of grief. I was still in college, working full-time now in a group-home for handicapped men and women, in the Boston area. I was miserable. Yet, I didn't know how to get out of the situation I was in. It took another six years, and an unplanned pregnancy to finally say, "Enough!" I decided that if I was going to be a mother, then it was time to break away. I moved out of the apartment I was sharing with friends, and got my own tiny place. My son's father literally packed up and moved a few months after he found out he was going to be a father. I didn't hear from him again for 7 years. And it didn't matter. I prayed, I went to my mother. And when my son was born, I called the church I used to go to when I lived at my mother's house, and I had him baptized. It wasn't a "re-conversion" that happened over night. Not by a long shot. There were a lot of shaky steps, and back-sliding, and running forward, and stopping, and turning around and around. But finally, a couple of things happened. My son wasn't just asking questions - he needed to be part of a parish. And my grandfather had had a stroke, and needed help getting to Mass. It was like God was reaching out and yanking me back. Saying, "Enough already! C'mon!" I remember at first we'd sit in the way, way back. I was scared I wouldn't remember what to do! And then thrilled that I did! LOL I remember going to Confession for the first time in over a dozen years, and just sitting there shaking, telling the poor priest that I barely remembered what to do, but that I'd "done just about everything except rob a bank!" LOL He was so sweet and kind. I got lucky - can you imagine if I'd gotten a grouchy old curmudgeon?? Also, a lot of Protestant friends had started asking questions, around the same time. And it really surprised me how very "Catholic" I really was! Every time they asked something about ... say.... baptism.... or the Early Church.... I'd answer, but the answers were always framed within Catholic doctrine, and I'd teach them history, actual history, about why Catholics do what they do, or believe what they believe. And I was making them think.... And it was fun! So I began to really learn more and more - history, doctrine, all that I could. It was a love affair. I had always read - and had read history, stories of the saints, and so on - but this was different. It was really interesting to find out why we believed what we believed, and where those beliefs came from. And as I read more and more, different things kept happening - until before I knew it - the parish, the Church, and the Lord were all part of my life again. And I don't think anything could ever pry me away this time. Because now I really know what I'm doing. As a child I had the love. And hurt and fear and chaos buried that love, but never chased it away. I can cry out to God and ask Him why He "let" me be hurt - or I can thank Him for making me strong, and granting me the grace of His presence in my life now. The ocean of his Divine Mercy. I have so much to be grateful for. Anyway.... My little boy is Nathaniel, a.k.a. "Natty", or "Nat", the kids at school call him "Nate", (HE tells me that HE prefers "Nathaniel") He's 16 these days, and not so little any more! We used to talk a lot about what he wanted to be when he grows up - now he's extremely grown - he's now TALLER than me - how did that happen?! He likes to build things and put things together, but hates jigsaw puzzles. He loves K'nex and Legos (yes, still!), and he loves to draw. Last year he started playing a strategy role-playing game at school, and he loves it. Most of the time he says he wants to be an engineer or an architect. Couple years ago he told me that "maybe I should be a priest, I could do so many things!" Apparently he was thinking about stuff he'd like to do for the kids, and introduce things like a pro-life committee and the Divine Mercy devotion to our parish. He's a good boy, and has already consecrated himself to Mary, the Immaculata, as a Knight of the Immaculata. If you want to know what that is, click here: www.consecration.com Anyway... I have worked with handicapped and mentally ill people since I was 12 years old and found myself volunteering at a nursing home for 4-H. It was supposed to be for a week, and I ended up doing it for the whole summer, I not only liked to help, the free Fresca didn't hurt either! I have a BA in Psychology and worked in group homes for the mentally retarded while I was getting my degree. While I was working on a Master's degree in Community Counseling, I worked in a Department of Mental Health shelter for mentally ill homeless men and women in Boston. (And yes, you may officially call me "Mistress"... LOL) I work as a "crisis clinician" - I am on the local psychiatric crisis team, and work nights at the local ER. If someone is having some kind of psychological crisis, is suicidal, or really getting delusional, and it's after 11 pm, chance are that they will end up talking to me. I also do Website Design, sometimes, part-time. What else? I am Catholic, active in my parish. I am active in the pro-life movement, and have a web page called "Alternatives and Choices". Like Nathaniel, I have also consecrated myself to Jesus, through Mary, as a member of St. Maximilian Kolbe's Militia Immaculata, and one of the ways I evangelize is to make rosaries and give them away.. It's also a great way to relax! I also give away Miraculous Medals taped to brochures explaining the MI. Well, I worked my way through both undergraduate school, and graduate school, put myself into hock with student loans, usually worked two jobs and had 4 roommates at a time! Between that experience, and being a single mom, I tell ya, I have a real "If I can do it, you can do it" kind of attitude! I live in Western Massachusetts, in the foothills of the Berkshire Mountains (right where that big ripple is when you look on the map) It's so incredibly beautiful! We wander the woods, swim in the river, go rock climbing, that sort of thing, but we're close enough to three major cities to do "city" things too when we want! When I was a kid, we moved a lot - from Scotia NY, to Schenectady NY, to North Ridgeville OH, to Stow MA, all by the sixth grade! Folks used to ask if I was a military "brat", but I wasn't, I was a "GE brat". My dad worked for General Electric and every time he got a promotion, we moved! Eventually after years of moving myself around during and after college, I decided I needed to pick a place to live, and it turned out to be western Mass! I grew up in a pretty standard "suburban" home. (even with all the "GE" moving!) I'm the oldest - got stuck babysitting a lot... I have two younger brothers, Bruce and Stephen and a little sister, Lydia. (who ain't so little anymore!) Both brothers ended up out in the Chicago area, so we never see them any more, and my sister moved down to Florida, got married to a terrific guy, and now has two lovely little boys of her own. My Mom finally, for the first time in my adult life, actually lives within 100 miles of me, and is now a part-time nurse, she's pretty much retired. She was a nurse at a state school for the handicapped for almost 30 years. My Dad was in sales, and was brilliant in math and science, but he passed away at age 47, way back in 1984. What else? I sang with the folk group at my church a few years back, but it wasn't for me. I've also been part of the "big choir", which I like much better, but since I work nights, sometimes it doesn't work for my schedule. For a few years I taught CCD - for 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade. It's so much fun! (wouldn't all my old friends think that was so weird??? LOL) Unfortunately, with my new schedule, I'm not teaching this year, but maybe when I get used to nights, I'll try and work with the kids more! OH! I just want to make it clear - trust me, I don't thump the bible at people or anything, (I actually hate that!) but my faith is important to me, so it is a part of who I am. A couple years back my son and I started visiting shrines. We started locally, at the Shrine of Divine Mercy, in Stockbridge, and try to make it up for the Feast of Divine Mercy every year. We've also been to the shrines up in Kennebunkport, Maine, at the Franciscan Monestary up there, and the shrine of St. Anthony in Boston. Last year we drove down to Washington DC, and visited the National Shrine of the Basilica of the Immaculate Conception - if you ever have the chance, find it, and go there - it's simply amazing! On the way home we stopped in Emmetsburg, and visited their Lourdes shrine. Someday I'd really love to go to Fatima, Lourdes and Rome - but until then, we'll just keep on driving. In the Spring of 2007 we're going to Italy and Greece - we will finally be going to Rome! And we will also go to Athens and Pompeii - we'll take lots of pictures! I'm also a sci/fi fan. Have been almost since I learned how to read. I read a lot of non-fiction lately - mostly stuff having to do with various counseling issues, and "spiritual books", like C.S. Lewis, and Clarence Enzler. I'm addicted to Star Wars, and I'm still a big fan of old Star Trek. I read fantasy, and science fiction obsessively, usually have at least three books going at one time! I counted one day, and I was carrying around six books in my backpack! LOL I'm bringing up my son right - he is devouring Tolkein, just finished reading "The Prince and the Pauper", loves "old" Star Trek, just like his mom. Oh, ya, I write, a lot. Mostly essays, a story here and there, and a lot of poetry, some of which makes it to my web site. Oh, speaking of which... If you want to see more about what I'm all about, go to my home page and I just ramble on and on about all kinds of things... the link is below. Well, take care, Lisa
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. - There is another which states that this has already happened. ~ (Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy") |
I like a bunch of things (don't we all?)
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| Well, that's enough of that! |
| Want more of my rambling? Click
here for my blog! I try and update it once in a while.... no promises though! :-) |
(updated 12/28/06 12:40 AM)