Okay, if you've visited the rest of my website or if you know me, you probably know I'm not the most normal person on the planet, but even I have to admit that I am probably really alone on this issue. I have grown to hate lettuce. Yup! Lettuce, leafy green vegetable, most often seen in salads and sandwiches. Why? It's not an intrinsically bad veggie. Has a nice crunch, the taste is neither strong nor offensive, it mixes well with other vegetables. Nothing wrong with that, is there? In fact, in moderation, lettuce is actually quite pleasant.

In Moderation, that is.

Lettuce is never used in moderation anymore. It has become the ubiquitous styrofoam packing material of many a sandwich, bulking up a thin meal to enormous sizes. It is not like the people were demanding more lettuce, were they? I myself had no burning desire to have every sandwich I ordered in a deli or one of the many franchised sandwich shops to be made out of half sandwich, half lettuce.

What's with all this lettuce? If I order a sandwich, they will put lettuce on it by default, without my asking. That is a flagrant disregard for the consumer. It also adds to the bulk of the sandwich without adding more bread, cheese, meat, or those more enticing vegetables. Lettuce must be cheaper than, say, tomatoes, peppers, or onions. I don't see them adding tons of garlic to people's food without them asking, or radishes.

Of course, I think it's a conspiracy.

The powers that be want to fill us up on lettuce, so they can charge us more. Lettuce equals money. And I've heard that lettuce is related to the opium poppy. Does this mean lettuce is the opiate of the masses? Anyone with any factual information on this point should email me and let me know. I want my page to point out the evils and perils of unrestrained lettuce, but I don't want to lie.

I think this all goes back to my childhood. My parents would serve me lettuce in a bowl and call it salad. Lettuce+Oil+Vinegar does not equal salad! It equals torture! It's not as though I was unwilling to eat my veggies; I used to love Brussels Sprouts and Beets and Carrots. It would have been strange to try and go vegetarian in my house; I think on a diet of lettuce, you would die. So many of our world's fine vegetables are being utterly ignored. Are all you vegetarians out there sick and tired of being handed bowls of lettuce as the only offered alternative to big thick juicy grilled steaks? It's clearly wrong, this whole lettuce bias.

Feel free to email me with your thoughts about lettuce, pro and con. I will add your letters to this page. Just send me an email with the subject "lettuce". All letter submissions will be considered, and emailing me a letter means I get to publish it here.

Letters about Lettuce

Okay, I got my first letter. Read on.

"Hello,
I'm just responding about your Anti-Lettuce issue.I agree with
your stance wholeheartedly,and this problem has not gone unnoticed by
me.I used to be an avid herbivore,devouring salads left and
right.Now,it's a different tale.I have grown weary of lettuce,much like
2fort5,MAD TV,and people who drive in the fast lane at a constant fifty
miles per hour.There is no reason why lettuce should be the staple,and
foundation, of a salad.It has no obvious merits,besides its mild
flavor.In my opinion,the cucumber would be a much more enjoyable
base,and other more flavorful vegetables could be added as supplements.
But,that is not the worst of the situaton.It has come to my attention
that there are more than one types of lettuce.Although lettuce of the
iceburg variety is the least objectionable and has a mild flavor,there
are some variations that have a sour and downright offensive
taste.These types serve no purpose whatsoever,since the role of lettuce
as an unnoticed "support vegetable" is now destroyed.These variations
are like a rebel lettuce faction,trying to break out of the submissive
lettuce mold.They obviously must be stopped.
So in closing,you are doing the world a favor by informing everyone
of this horrible Lettuce monopoly.Keep up the good work.
Ari

PS-I plan on slapping lettuce marketers with an antitrust lawsuit so
fast their head will spin.You will be hearing from my lawyers in the
event I need help on trial."

Thanks Ari! I am glad to see I am not alone. You have brought enthusiasm to the movement. I simply adore the idea of cucumbers as the basis for a salad! They have a delightful crunch, are nice and moist, mix well with other vegetables, offer an alternate base flavor, and work equally well with both salad dressing and mayonnaise. Yes there are indeed many types of lettuce. My creation of this page was mainly intended to warn of the evils of iceberg lettuce, as that is the cheap stuff foisted on us by the Lettuce Conspiracy. Romaine lettuce is far superior, though it is used with the same wanton carelessness in upscale restaurants that sandwich shops and delis use with iceberg lettuce. Romaine is crunchier, and has a more pleasing taste to my palate. I cannot help but mention spinach as a viable salad alternative, especially when, as you point out, there are several lettuce factions at work in our world. As for your lawsuit, I usually deplore government interference in business, preferring to let the free market sort things out, but I will gladly offer a deposition recounting my now disgruntled attitude about lettuce.
-Doug

This webpage is © copyright 1999, by Douglas R. Turek, except letters from fellow concerned citizens against the Lettuce Conspiracy. Letters from people posted here remian their own property though I reserve the right to edit them for length and content, and sending me letters grants me the right to post them here. I am, on this page, acting as a public servant of sorts. This website is for informational and entertainment purposes only, and no warranty is given or implied regarding the consumption or cessation of consumption of lettuce or any other vegetables, leafy and green or not. You should eat your greens, people! They are good for you, it's your duty and choice to decide which greens you eat. This webpage is not intended in any way to endorse or discourage people from leading a vegetarian lifestyle, pursuing a vegan diet, or including a fine assortment of plants as part of a balanced diet. I think all three are fine options.

Sign My Guestbook View My Guestbook