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Dr. Ruth’s Personal Exercise
Tips
SEX AFTER 50
by Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer
One factor that can reduce your ability to enjoy sex is being
overweight and out of shape. Of the two, being out of shape can
have a stronger negative effect, because to keep a sex life from
going stale, you have to inject a little stamina into it, which
is hard to do if you’re always huffing and puffing.
With so many Americans reported to be out of shape and overweight,
it’s obviously not easy for those of us who live in countries
with thriving economies to resist the temptation presented by the
cornucopia of good food that surrounds us or to pull ourselves
away from the TV to get some exercise. I don’t know if my
telling you that dieting and exercise can improve your sex life
will motivate you, but you must admit it’s not a bad carrot
to dangle in front of you.
I’m not a personal trainer, so please don’t look to
me for too much advice on exactly what you should be doing to drop
those excess pounds and whip your body into shape. Nevertheless,
I do have some words of wisdom I want to pass on that I think will
be appropriate. Of course, please check with your doctor before
starting any exercise routine, especially if you’re very
out of shape.
One of the factors that makes sex so pleasurable, beyond the physical
sensation of having an orgasm, is the shared mental and physical
experience. You can partake of some of that same satisfaction by
dieting and exercising together. If the two of you work as a team,
even if one of you needs more help in this area than the other,
you’ll be able to inspire each other to accomplish a lot
more than if you were by yourself. Let me give you a few reasons
weight loss done as a couple makes the process more tolerable.
Eat less together
If the two of you are trying to lose weight, menu planning will
be a lot less complicated. But, if one person wants to reduce and
the other is constantly stuffing himself or herself, meals can
be a source of friction. If you both share the goal of losing weight,
you’ll both appreciate meals that are lower in calories and
carbs. And if you can encourage each other each time you step on
a scale, this enthusiasm will end up being a bit like foreplay—the
calories you avoided in the dining room will end up having a stimulating
effect in the bedroom.
Don’t worry if your weight loss goals are different. Let’s
say you want to lose forty pounds and your husband only needs to
lose ten. The odds are he’s going to reach his goal sooner
than you will. At that point, I suggest, rather than going back
to eating the way he did before he started dieting, he continue
to limit his intake so you don’t feel deserted— at
least when you’re together. If he wants to eat a bit more
when he’s away from you or grab a snack when you’re
not looking, that would be appropriate as long as he doesn’t
start putting the pounds back on.
Exercise together
An integral part of getting into shape is exercise. It’s
difficult to burn off enough calories to make a dent in your overall
weight, but if you can increase your metabolism through exercise
your body will be burning more calories twenty-four hours a day,
even when you’re sleeping. And exercise will also get your
blood flowing, which is very important to having good sex because
the genital region requires extra blood to function, particularly
in men; an erection is nothing more than a penis engorged with
blood.
As with dieting, if you can make exercise time together time,
it will motivate you and make the process a lot more palatable.
Even a simple walk after dinner in the evening will be helpful
to meeting your weight loss goal, and by going together you’ll
also get to share some quality time for conversation that will
have an additional positive effect on your relationship.
If you’re ready to progress to more strenuous exercises,
you could take up a sport like tennis or squash to play together.
Or go for jogs or bike rides as a duo. And by going to the gym
together, even if you don’t work out next to each other because
you need different equipment, you’ll be giving each other
some needed encouragement just to get out the door, which many
people find is the hardest step. And, when you get home, you can
get out the tape measure and look for any progress in your various
body parts. All that physical contact might be just the thing to
get you to strip your clothes off and hit the shower together for
a little bit more physical exercise.
I like to go kayaking, but I insist on using two-man kayaks so
both paddlers can talk while they exercise. If you like to go bike
riding, you may want to get a bicycle built for two. Skiing is
a sport I also enjoy, but couples might end up going down different
slopes depending on the degree of difficulty each can handle, but
even if you are on the same slope, it’s obviously a little
hard to keep up a conversation as you’re whizzing down a
mountain side, so it doesn’t really matter if you’re
not skiing in tandem. But when you’re finished skiing for
the day, you’ll get back together at the lodge where you
can share your stories of your best and worst runs over a glass
of mulled wine, thus making it a shared experience in the end.
And you can be sure the exhilaration you have experienced during
the day will rub off later that night.
I’m not offering you a set of exact rules on how to work
out together, but I am suggesting you do prod each other and encourage
each other as much as possible so that you increase the odds of
success.
Avoid competing
Of course there are some people who would hate the idea of exercising
with their partner. These include very competitive people who have
a chosen favorite sport or two and are only interested in winning,
not spending time with their partner. To some extent, this is okay,
but that person also has to be willing to make some compromises.
If his or her partner is capable of doing no more than a vigorous
walk, time should be set aside for them to go walking. Competing
at sports is fun, but it can’t replace all the potential
free time you could be spending together, particularly these days
when both halves of many couples work outside the home, and there
is limited free time to begin with. The competitive athlete’s
body might benefit from engaging in his or her favorite sport alone,
but the relationship will suffer.
Here I’d like to interject a word about one sport in particular,
golf. Now if you both play golf, and you play together, that’s
great. But golf takes up a lot of time, and if one of you is a
golfer and the other is not, golf can definitely interfere with
your relationship. The person playing may be having a grand time,
but the person back home could be miserable. They didn’t
invent the term “golf widow” for nothing.
I’m not saying golfers should give up their sport, but they
also shouldn’t act as if their partner isn’t making
a sacrifice. Playing golf isn’t in the Constitution, so it
has to be put in its proper place as a leisure time activity rather
than placed on some pedestal as being more important than your
relationship. If one of you plays regularly, I would suggest that
you make up for it in other ways. For example, if there’s
rain in the forecast so you know you’re not going to get
on the course, get some tickets to a matinee or a museum, whatever
activity your partner would enjoy, and escort your partner even
if it’s not your cup of tea. You have to keep in mind that
your partner is making a sacrifice of time spent together every
time you head off to play.
“ But Dr. Ruth,” I hear some of you golfers saying, “when
I’m on the course, my spouse is free to do whatever he or
she wants.” If you both happen to be retired and have plenty
of time in each other’s company, then you have a point. But
if your time as a couple is limited, regularly taking an entire
weekend morning or afternoon away from your spouse is asking a
lot. Again, I’m not saying you shouldn’t play golf,
but if you come back and spend the rest of the afternoon watching
football or baseball and ignoring your spouse, then you’ve
stepped way over the line. If you go out for a round of golf, you
should show as much goodwill as possible by sharing some activity
with your spouse.
As I said, I’m not a personal trainer, but let me offer
another suggestion on how to make exercise more fun and sexy. When
I said you should exercise together, I was talking about exercising
next to one another for the most part, not actually doing exercises
as a team. But there are exercises you can actually perform together,
and by doing them as a team, they can also be quite sexy. The following
are some sexy exercise ideas for you to share. Obviously if you’re
not physically ready for any of these, you shouldn’t try
them, and if you have doubts, ask your doctor.
Where appropriate, if you do these exercises in the nude, I can
guarantee that the sexual quotient will be a lot higher.
The seesaw
Sit on the floor with your legs out and the soles of your feet
touching each other. Grasp each other’s hands or wrists.
One of you lean backwards while the other goes forward, but providing
enough resistance to keep you from falling all the way back. Then
reverse the motion. If one of you has any difficulty supporting
the weight of the other, let him or her know so that the person
leaning backwards maintains enough muscle control so as not to
put too much of a strain on the person doing the holding. This
exercise needs to be done slowly, both to prevent injury and also
so that you get the most exercise value out of it. In addition
to the physical benefit, since the person leaning backwards is
dependent on the one holding him or her up, this exercise helps
to build intimacy as it gives physical evidence to your faith in
one another.
Back to back lifts
This exercise may not be for every couple, definitely not for
those with a bad back. And if your weight disparity is too large,
it may not work. Just use some common sense before deciding whether
or not to try it. Stand back to back and link arms. Taking turns,
one of you leans forward, raising the other off the ground to whatever
height is not too big a strain. Even if you can’t lift your
partner at all, just the effort of trying is good exercise.
As with the seesaw, the person being lifted off the ground will
feel a bit nervous. By letting go and trusting their partner, added
intimacy will result.
Couple crunches
Both of you lie down on the floor, put your legs straight up into
the air, and then slide together so that your butts are up against
each other, so that you look like an upside down T. (If you’re
naked, don’t let the fact your genitals are touching be too
distracting.) Then do crunches (half sit-ups).
How many crunches you can each do will depend on whether or not
you normally do crunches. Start off with a low number and slowly
work your way up.
Floor cycling
After you finish your crunches, push yourselves apart a few feet,
line your feet up against each other, and push against each other
using a pedaling motion. Don’t try to do this quickly. Instead
work to push against each other so you create resistance and give
each other’s leg muscles a workout. Here again, if one of
you is much stronger than the other, that person will have to ease
up a bit.
Hamstring burners
Exercises that work the backs of the thighs, the hamstring muscles,
are hard to find, but not for couples that exercise as a team.
Lie down on your stomach while your partner straddles you, facing
your feet. Using his or her hands, your partner puts as much pressure
on your ankles as needed to make it difficult for you to raise
the lower half of your legs. As time goes by and each of you grows
stronger, the “pusher” can exert increasing amounts
of pressure. Eventually you should be able to do three sets of
ten of these burners.
Couple crunches
Both of you lie down on the floor, put your legs straight up into
the air, and then slide together so that your butts are up against
each other, so that you look like an upside down T. (If you’re
naked, don’t let the fact your genitals are touching be too
distracting.) Then do crunches (half sit-ups).
How many crunches you can each do will depend on whether or not
you normally do crunches. Start off with a low number and slowly
work your way up.
Floor cycling
After you finish your crunches, push yourselves apart a few feet,
line your feet up against each other, and push against each other
using a pedaling motion. Don’t try to do this quickly. Instead
work to push against each other so you create resistance and give
each other’s leg muscles a workout. Here again, if one of
you is much stronger than the other, that person will have to ease
up a bit.
Hamstring burners
Exercises that work the backs of the thighs, the hamstring muscles,
are hard to find, but not for couples that exercise as a team.
Lie down on your stomach while your partner straddles you, facing
your feet. Using his or her hands, your partner puts as much pressure
on your ankles as needed to make it difficult for you to raise
the lower half of your legs. As time goes by and each of you grows
stronger, the “pusher” can exert increasing amounts
of pressure. Eventually you should be able to do three sets of
ten of these burners.
Kegel exercises
In 1952, Dr. Arnold Kegel developed a set of exercises to help
a woman regain control of her ability to urinate after giving birth
by building up her vaginal muscles. After women started using the
exercises, they discovered that they helped to increase the sensations
they felt during intercourse. Once a woman had built up her vaginal
muscles sufficiently, her partner would also gain some new sensations
when she tightened those muscles around his penis during intercourse.
The muscles involved are called the pubococcygeus muscles, or
more easily pronounced, pelvic floor muscles. To identify them,
the next time you urinate, stop the flow. The muscle you use is
the muscle you want to exercise. You should begin by squeezing
it, then letting it go, doing five repetitions. As it gets stronger,
you can hold each squeeze for a longer period of time and add more
repetitions. You might begin with a half dozen repetitions and
eventually get to twenty-five.
I would advise doing the Kegel exercises twice a day, at least
until you’ve strengthened these muscles to their maximum,
at which point you can cut down to three times a week, just to
keep them in shape. If you do them at the same time every day,
like when you get up and before you go to bed, you’ll be
more likely not to forget, though it can be fun doing them at random
times with the realization that no one around you has any idea
that you are exercising this particular set of muscles.
A woman with well-developed pelvic floor muscles will be able
to give her husband’s penis a squeeze he should enjoy. These
exercises may also help any woman who has problems with incontinence,
as that’s why Dr. Kegel developed them in the first place.
But Kegel exercises aren’t only for women; men can benefit
from doing them too.
A man uses the same exact muscle, which he identifies the same
way, by stopping the flow while urinating. By building up this
muscle, a man may find he can develop more control over his ability
to ejaculate, which can be very helpful to men who suffer from
premature ejaculation and their partners who suffer with them from
too short episodes of intercourse. So, in both sexes, a prime beneficiary
of stronger pelvic floor muscles will be their partner. Given those
circumstances, doing these exercises at the same time makes a lot
of sense.
Dr. Ruth’s personal exercise tips
I’ve joined various gyms over the years, signed up for tennis
lessons, and felt guilty about abandoning these efforts each and
every time. My excuse was a busy schedule, but since so many people
find excuses not to exercise, I’m sure that at least part
of the reason I stopped going was that I was drawn into the I-Can’t-Be-Bothered-Going
Out-To-Exercise groove. And yet I think of myself as being in fairly
good shape for someone seventy-six years old, and everyone tells
me I have more energy than people one-fourth my age. So what’s
my secret exercise regime? I guess to call it a regime would be
an exaggeration, so let’s just call it my personal tips for
staying in shape.
I spend a lot of time talking on the phone, and while this exercises
my jaw muscle, that’s not my tip. What I often do when I’m
on the phone, however, is pace. It helps to have a portable phone,
but even if I’m tied down by a phone cord, I’m usually
walking back and forth. If you speak on the phone for an hour a
day, get off of your duff and pace during those conversations and
you’ll probably end up walking a mile’s worth every
day.
I live in New York City, which enables me to walk a lot. So my
second tip for all of you who live out in the suburbs is to move
to a big city. This piece of advice may be problematic for some
of you, but if you’re contemplating a move, don’t just
pick a city for its climate; make sure there are sidewalks and
places worth walking to.
Finally, when I use the word “walk” I’m not
including in the definition words such as “stroll” or “amble.” I
go full steam ahead, sometimes so that my walking is closer to
running than walking. When I’m at a convention, the people
accompanying me often have a hard time keeping up, particularly
because I use my small size to my advantage, scooting in and out
of the crowds. When you set a good pace, not only do you get where
you’re going faster, but you also make walking more aerobic.
So my third piece of advice to you is not only to walk, but pick
up the pace.
The final Dr. Ruth tip concerns exercising your mind as well as
your body. To do that you have to go out at night as much as possible.
It’s the opposite side of the coin of being a couch potato.
If you go out as often as possible, you’ll be getting a lot
more exercise than you would be just sitting in front of the TV.
Also, if you’re out of the house, you’ll be interacting
with other people, and this will keep your mind in shape as well
as your body. So if an invitation comes in the mail, don’t
look at it with dread, but instead look at it as an invitation
to exercise your body, your mind, and your relationship.
Excerpted from Simple Dr. Ruth’s Sex After 50,
Revving Up the Romance, Passion & Excitement! by Ruth
K. Westheimer. Copyright © 2005 by Ruth K. Westheimer.
All rights reserved. Excerpted by arrangement with Quill Driver
Books. $14.95. Available in local bookstores or call 800.497.4909
or click
here.
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