Valentine to Kevin Spacey

(Originally appeared in Bitch, an online magazine.)

    He doesn't play swains.

     He doesn't pitch woo.

     If he came to your door with a bouquet of flowers,
     your first question would be, "Where's he hiding the
     handcuffs?"

     But from the moment Kevin Spacey possessed the
     TV screen as drug-taking, empire-building, sister-
     screwing crime whiz Mel Profitt, he had our
     undivided lustful attention. In cult classic Wiseguy,
     Mel fondled plaster busts for inspiration, rented out
     Yankee Stadium for batting practice, and always
     seemed, well, just a tad too interested in our stolid
     CroMag hero, Ken Wahl. That is, when he wasn't
     curled in the arms of his hyperlibidinous sister Suzy.
     And he made all of it look really, really steamy.

     As far as looks go, Kev's definitely a Funny
     Valentine. Do the math on his face: it shouldn't add
     up to fascination. The eyes a little too small, a shade
     too shifty, in the center of a rugged face. The hair is
     headed to Mexico. In some films, Kevin's chunky.
     In the wildly forgettable Outbreak, he was a wraith -
     and that's before the monkey chomped him.

     But his hellraising credentials are impeccable. Child
     firebug, military school ejectee, Juilliard School
     dropout. Spacey is the genuine article: a true
     Dangerboy. As a performer, he earns his trouble the
     old-fashioned way: he makes it.

     Still, there are lots of bad boys in the world. What
     makes Spacey sexy? It's his voice. A sinuous, sultry
     thing that massaged the words "Keyser Soze" in The
     Usual Suspects until they were a synonym for all
     that is evil -- and somehow, desperately attractive.

     For years he was the smart girls' secret, slithering
     through loads of theatre, film and TV, brilliant and
     invisible. Life was unfair. How could somebody pull
     off playing Clarence Darrow and Jim Bakker and
     still not be famous? Meanwhile, we girls would get
     together and re-enact the infamous scene in
     Wiseguy where Kevin meets his maker via a Viking
     funeral, complete with burning boat.

     Then came The Usual Suspects, Verbal Kint, and the
     Oscar. Kev's nobody's secret now. He's hot. How
     hot? Well, we spotted him in a Dave Stewart music
     video, dancing alone in front of a bathroom mirror.
     There, he unleashed a series of death-defying hip
     swivels that just might be the beginning of a matinee
     idol's career.

     We always knew you had it in you, Kevin. You can
     burn down our boat anytime.

     --Martha Garvey