Valentine to Kevin Spacey
(Originally appeared in
Bitch, an online magazine.)
He
doesn't play swains.
He doesn't pitch woo.
If he came to your door with a bouquet of flowers,
your first question would be, "Where's he hiding
the
handcuffs?"
But from the moment Kevin Spacey possessed the
TV screen as drug-taking, empire-building, sister-
screwing crime whiz Mel Profitt, he had our
undivided lustful attention. In cult classic Wiseguy,
Mel fondled plaster busts for inspiration, rented out
Yankee Stadium for batting practice, and always
seemed, well, just a tad too interested in our stolid
CroMag hero, Ken Wahl. That is, when he wasn't
curled in the arms of his hyperlibidinous sister Suzy.
And he made all of it look really, really steamy.
As far as looks go, Kev's definitely a Funny
Valentine. Do the math on his face: it shouldn't add
up to fascination. The eyes a little too small, a
shade
too shifty, in the center of a rugged face. The hair
is
headed to Mexico. In some films, Kevin's chunky.
In the wildly forgettable Outbreak, he was a
wraith -
and that's before the monkey chomped him.
But his hellraising credentials are impeccable. Child
firebug, military school ejectee, Juilliard School
dropout. Spacey is the genuine article: a true
Dangerboy. As a performer, he earns his trouble the
old-fashioned way: he makes it.
Still, there are lots of bad boys in the world. What
makes Spacey sexy? It's his voice. A sinuous, sultry
thing that massaged the words "Keyser Soze"
in The
Usual Suspects until they were a synonym for
all
that is evil -- and somehow, desperately attractive.
For years he was the smart girls' secret, slithering
through loads of theatre, film and TV, brilliant and
invisible. Life was unfair. How could somebody pull
off playing Clarence Darrow and Jim Bakker and
still not be famous? Meanwhile, we girls would get
together and re-enact the infamous scene in
Wiseguy where Kevin meets his maker via a Viking
funeral, complete with burning boat.
Then came The Usual Suspects, Verbal Kint, and the
Oscar. Kev's nobody's secret now. He's hot. How
hot? Well, we spotted him in a Dave Stewart music
video, dancing alone in front of a bathroom mirror.
There, he unleashed a series of death-defying hip
swivels that just might be the beginning of a matinee
idol's career.
We always knew you had it in you, Kevin. You can
burn down our boat anytime.
--Martha Garvey