This is where you, the humble Internet mountaineer, can find out more about everybody's favorite televsion broadcast series on-air personalites, whats-his-name, and that other guy.

PROF. MATTHEW VALDIMIR VON GAMBOLCRANK HORATIO KRISTEK VIII, esq.
Name: Matt Kristek to you.
Nicknames: Matthew, Piledriver, and some guy at the pub calls me "Blanche"
Age: 18 years, American
Location: Sitting in this rolly chair. I can go anywhere if I wanted to, though.
Height: Last time I checked, I was 4'7"
Eye Color: Which one?
Hair Color: Which one?
Favorite TV Shows: Who's the Boss? Veronica's Closet, World's Funniest Tornadoes 3
Favorite Movies: Operation Dumbo Drop, Blank Check, Police Academy 4-7
Favorite Drink: My own creation, I call it a "Screw You, Mr. Bill Collector!" 2 parts rum, 3 parts lighter fluid, all parts FUNK!
Friends: I'd like to answer this in two ways, if I may. Firstly, in my normal voice, then in a sort of silly, high-pitched whine. Ah, forget it.
Favorite Board Game: I liked Hungry, Hungry Hippos, but I never fed them, so they became Starving, Starving Hippos.
Favorite Food: Anything with kumquats and soy sauce on top of dried-up old pasta.
Worst Feeling in the World: Feeling a weird lump in your elbow. Hey, that wasn't there yesterday.
Best Feeling in the World: That feeling you get after you successfully play a good game a basketball while making the perfect chop suey recipe at the same time......yeah, that's the stuff.....
Favorite Thing to Do on the Weekend: Write rejected essays for the New Yorker Magazine.
Where Do You See Yourself in Ten Years: I only see my head, on a robot body. Like Gizmoduck!
First Thought of the Day: "Why are my pants hanging from the lamppost?!" Every day I think that.
Coolest Thing About your House: The fire pole that just keep going. I've lost a lot of little brothers that way...
Coolest Thing About your Room: If you pull out a certain book on my bookshelf, it spins around to reveal...the wall behind it.
Future Son Names: Buford, Gizmoduck, Utkarsh Dave, Guffawnt, Little Penis-Head
Future Daughter Names: Susan B. Anthony, Ice-T, Quaybog
Are You a Good Friend: Can I be done with this yet?
Chocolate or Vanilla? My daddy says chocolate is the tool of the devil, and vanilla is the tool of his friend Jim.
Sleep with a Stuffed Animal? I'm trying to break my habit of sleeping, but when I do, I sleep with a little Eric Roberts doll.
Married by 2002? I'm already married. I wed my college sweetheart, a pile of candy bar wrappers.
Favorite Animal: I CANNOT believe you just asked me that.
Favorite Spare-Time Activity: Adding to my collection of nothing whatsoever.
Favorite Musical Artist: Bruce Willis.
Favorite Song: "I Think She Likes Me" by the Moffats, urban techno remix
Best Characteristics: My pants, my bowling ability, the way I hit other people in the face, but mostly my pants.
Worst Characteristics: No tuxedo will ever fit me.
Biggest Accomplishment: Answering all these questions.
Favorite Web Site: www.toucanputty.wobble for all your toucan putty dot wobble needs.

"A Field Guide to Matt Kristek" by Sir Eric Doyle

SIR ERIC "ERRRC" LUCIOUS GREENSPAK DOYLE XXXVIII.V, C.C.S., E.M.A.
Name: See below
Nicknames: Lunch Box II: The Sequel
Age: 8000 light years
Location: Wherever you are, honey
Height: 6 feet while standing, 6 feet while sitting
Eye Color: Plaid
Hair Color: Plaid
Favorite TV Shows: The Marvin Gaye Remix Variety Hour, That Crazy Paper!
Favorite Movies: Wax Milk: This One's Gonna Hurt, Lip Balm: The Movie, Lip Balm: The Movie III- The Sequel
Favorite Drink: Blue milk, Yosh!
Friends: Sam, Cody, Matt, Mrs. McCormick, You?
Favorite Board Game: How to Spell Your Spleen: French Edition
Favorite Food: How to Spell Your Spleen: French Edition
Worst Feeling in the World: When your favorite carpet plays the washboard
Best Feeling in the World: When you bodyslam Joey Lawrence off the Earth.
Favorite Thing to Do on the Weekend: Hide in your basement and drink coffee when you're not home
Where Do You See Yourself in Ten Years: On the REO Speedwagon to fame!
First Thought of the Day: "Hey, where should I shine my Guffa today?"
Coolest Thing About your House: The porch which converts into Voltron at the push of a button
Coolest Thing About your Room: That it's not really there?
Future Son Names: Skee-Ball Allen, Chicken-Salad Edward
Future Daughter Names: Funkbox Susan, Harikrishna Sally
Are You a Good Friend: Only if you let me into your heart
Chocolate or Vanilla? Why choose when there's Napolean? (the guy, not the ice cream)
Sleep with a Stuffed Animal? It's more like a stuffed animal sleeps with me, really.
Married by 2002? Only if you are.
Favorite Animal: The ring-tailed Elton John
Favorite Spare-Time Activity: Testing the effects of Prince's music on varnished wood.
Favorite Musical Artist: The robot Paul Simon.
Favorite Song: "Yoyoyoyoyoyo" by Grandma & the Funkaholics
Best Characteristics: How I appear really far away when I'm really in your living room.
Worst Characteristics: How I appear really far away when I'm really in your living room.
Biggest Accomplishment: Wearing a backpack to school.
Favorite Web Site: www.harrys-hall-o-dark-crevaces.org

"How to Understand Eric Doyle in 4 Easy Steps" by Matt Kristek