THE PURITAN INFLUENCE

Films from the likes of Eszterhas, Verhoeven and other modern Puritans (kids, don't try this at home):

Fatal Attraction

Married man has affair. Would be mistress goes nuts, cooks man's son's pet rabbit, stalks wife. Finally does Jason-like reincarnation after being drowned by man in bathtub, only to be shot dead by righteous wife.

Basic Instinct

Man has steamy affair with part time lesbian who may or may not be a murderess. Extra hot sex scene with gorgeous blond ends with an icepick in man's neck (a crude form of birth control that requires precise timing). Is his girlfriend the killer? Never resolved.

Sliver

Gorgeous blond masturbates in tub while lifeless geek watches through video camera (the next best thing to being there).

Jade

Another murdering woman. I missed it. Saw "Go Fish" instead (the sex was less painful).

Disclosure

The last of the Michael Douglas male victim trilogy. Man has sex with old flame, ends up in court, battling for his career. Poor Mike. I just couldn't bear to watch this one. Saw Jeffrey instead.

Showgirls

I missed it. Was on retreat at a Zen monastery.

Alien 3

Woman brings disaster to all male prison colony. Gives birth to alien.

Species

Woman is alien. Simultaneously seduces/eats her lovers. Yum.

Any slasher movie

The horny kids making out in the woods are always the first to go.

The message here is painfully clear: Sexual adventure leads to men being stabbed, shot, bludgeoned, eaten, gored, slashed, cooked, and generally killed. It's much safer to pick up an Uzi and go at it with a few terrorists.