Actuary Jokes

An actuary is a place where they bury dead actors.

Three men are sentenced to die by guillotine. The first man steps up, places his head in the hole, the executioner release the knife, and miraculously the knife stops inches above the man's neck. The king says, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the first man gets up, relieved, and the second man takes his place. Again, the guillotine knife stops inches away from the man's neck. The king says again, "Under the laws of our country, if the guillotine fails to do its job, you are declared free." So the second man gets up, free. The third man, who is an actuary, puts his head in the guillotine hole, looks up, and says, "I think I see what the problem is ... "

An actuary is someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Two actuaries are duck hunting. They see a duck in the air and they both shoot. The first actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the left. The second actuary's shot is 20 feet wide to the right. The actuaries give each other high fives, because on average they shot it.

A lawyer, an accountant, and an actuary are arguing over whether it is better to have a married spouse or an unmarried lover. The lawyer says a lover because it's legally easier to disentangle yourself from a lover. The accountant says a spouse because you can get a tax deduction with a spouse. The actuary says it's better to have both because you can lie to each of them, telling each of them that you're with the other, and then go to the office to do some work.

A consulting actuary dies and is met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter and a crowd of well-wishers. St. Peter says, "Congratulations. You're the oldest person ever to come to these gates." The consultant says, "But I was only 50 when I died." St. Peter replies, "Really? Your billings indicate that you must be at least 140!"

A group of lawyers and a group of actuaries are travelling by train to conferences in the same city. The lawyers were surprised to see that the actuaries had only bought one train ticket for the entire group. When the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the actuaries got up and went into the same bathroom. As the conductor went down the aisle, the lawyers dutifully handed him their tickets. When he came to the bathroom he said, "Ticket, please." One ticket slid out, he punched it, and went on his way.

On the return trip home, the lawyers thought they'd try the same trick, but this time they noticed the actuaries had not bought any train tickets. As the conductor entered the front of the car, all of the lawyers got up and went into the same bathroom. One of the actuaries walked over to the bathroom, knocked on the door, and said, "Ticket, please."

A patient was at her doctor's office after undergoing a complete physical exam. The doctor said, "I have some very grave news for you. You only have six months to live." The patient asked, "Oh doctor, what should I do?" The doctor replied, "Marry an actuary." "Will that make me live longer?" asked the patient. "No," said the doctor, "but it will SEEM longer."

Actuarial bumper sticker: Old actuaries never die; they just get broken down by age and sex.

An actuary is someone who expects everyone to be dead on time.

What is the difference between God and an actuary? God doesn't think He's an actuary.

A life actuary designed a new coverage "Senility Insurance". He expected low claims because "If you remember that you have a policy, it is proof that you are not senile."

Question: Why did the metalhead (i.e., someone who listens to heavy metal music) want to become an actuary?

Answer: He wanted to get paid to predict death and destruction.

"I once told an actuary to go to the end of the line. He came back five minutes later and said he couldn't because someone else was already there."

When a marketing officer asked an actuary why he recommended selling more life insurance policies to 98 year olds, the actuary replied, "According to our tables, very few of them die each year."