[Smiley Face]

Raymond's Clean Jokes

Part One

Links: Clean 2, Clean 3, Dirty 1, Dirty 2, Humor Index

BulletStockbrokers

How do you get a stockbroker out of a tree?

Cut the rope!

BulletSplit California

If California were split into three separate states, they would be called Log, Fog, and Smog.

BulletThree Wishes

An account exec drove his two young staff to work late one weekend for an important company project. A genie appeared and granted each one wish. The first asked to be on a yacht in Hawaii and poof he was gone. The second wished to be transported to a Florida beach and poof she was away. The account exec thought briefly about his wish and then said, "I want those two lazy staff back here, right now!"

BulletA Recipe

How do you make Holy Water?

Boil the hell out of it.

BulletCPAs

Why send your financial statements to a CPA?

Because they come back Clean, Pressed, and Altered.

BulletHe Who Dies With The Most Toys

A rich man aspired to take his 3 million to the grave. He asked his priest, doctor, and attorney to each hold 1 million until his death and to then put the money in his coffin. In due time, the old man passed away and each of the three men stopped by the coffin to pay their respects. Afterwards, the priest confessed that he had kept the money for the church orphanage. Then the doctor admitted that he too had misdirected the money to the local children's hospital. The attorney was outraged at their breach of trust; for he had slipped a check in the coffin for the full amount.

BulletThe Grisly Joke

A grisly bear surprised hunters sitting by a campfire. When one hunter ran away, the other shouted that you can't outrun a grisly bear. The running hunter replied that he didn't have to outrun the bear, he only had to outrun the other hunter.

BulletTexans

You can always tell a Texan, but you can't tell him much!

BulletThe Skunk Joke

Once upon a time, there were two skunks named In and Out. When In was in, Out was out and when In was out, Out was in. One day, when Out was in and In was out, the mother skunk asked Out to find In and bring In in. So... he looked around the forest, found In, and brought In in. The mother skunk asked, "How did you find In so quickly?"
And he said, "In Stinks."

BulletThe Snail Joke

After the two turtles collided, the policeman asked the snail what he saw.

The snail said, "I don't know officer. It all happened so fast."

BulletLos Angeleans

Did you hear about the fellow from Los Angeles who passed out on a cruiseship?

They had to hold him over the exhaust to revive him.

BulletJust Ask Me

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?

Eleph-ino!

BulletAn Oldie

So... a man walks into a bar.
And says, "Ouch!"
[Think about it]

BulletA Quickie

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

A stick.

BulletClient-Servers

What's the difference between a used car salesman and a client-server salesman?

A used car salesman knows it when he's lying to you.

BulletPriorities

You're locked in a room with a rattlesnake, Sadaam Hussein, and an attorney. Unfortunately, you only have two bullets in your gun. What do you do?

Shoot the attorney twice!

BulletAggies

Did you hear about the Aggie who moved to Oklahoma and raised the average IQ of both states?

BulletMississippi

What do tornados have in common with Mississippi divorces?

Either way you lose the trailer.

BulletAlzheimer's Disease

The great thing about Alzheimer's is that you get to meet so many new people.

BulletEvelyn Wood

Did you hear about the blind speed reader?

He got blisters on his hands.