[Juggler]

Raymond's Clean Jokes

Part Two

Links: Clean 1, Clean 3, Dirty 1, Dirty 2, Humor Index

BulletNuclear Limerick

To smash the atom,
all mankind was intent.
But someday,
the atom just may
return the compliment.

BulletSorry, Wrong Number

The genetic engineer succeed in cloning an almost perfect copy of himself. Unfortunately, his double cursed like a sailor and the engineer threw him out the tenth floor window. Later, he was arrested for trying to make an obscene clone fall.

BulletToejam

What's brown and squashes between an elephant's toes?

Slow natives.

BulletGenetic Ditty

(to the tune of Where the Buffalo Roam)

Oh, give a clone
of my own flesh and bone
with it's Y chromosome changed to an X.
And when it is grown,
then my own little clone
will be of the opposite sex.

BulletStatistics

Statistically speaking, in China, even if you are a one in a million kind of guy, there are a thousand more just like you.

BulletRush Limbaugh

What's the difference between Rush Limbaugh and the Hindenburg?

One is a flaming Nazi gasbag and the other is just a Zeppelin.

BulletThe Biggers

Who is bigger, Mrs. Bigger or Baby Bigger?

Baby Bigger because he's just a little bigger.

BulletSilence

After keeping his vow of silence for ten years, a monk said two words, "Bad food." Ten years later he spoke again, "Cold rooms." In the thirtieth year, he announced, "I quit." The head priest shrugged his shoulders and replied, "We won't miss you. You complain too much."

BulletPolice Escort

How many Los Angeles police officers does it take to escort a prisoner down some stairs?

None. "He just fell."

BulletThe Count

The missionary and his wife hitched-up the wagon and headed West. At the Great Divide, the horse stopped and would not budge. The missionary looked the horse in the eye and said, "That's once." The horse took them on to the Rockies, stopped again, and forced the missionary to look him in the eye and say, "That's twice." When California was in sight, the horse stopped again and the missionary shot the horse dead. His wife was outraged and protested that the family needed the horse. He looked her in the eye and said, "That's once!"

BulletFood Groups

What are the four food groups?

For bachelors: Fast, Frozen, Junk and Spoiled.
For drinkers: Malt, Hops, Barley and Yeast. For heavies: Caffeine, Fat, Sugar, Chocolate.

BulletTechnology

The man at the computer store said that this computer was so powerful it would do half of my work. So I said, "Great, give me two!"

BulletDiagnosis

The doctor returned to the anxious patient with the test results and said, "I've got some good news and some bad news." Asking for the bad news first, the patient learned that he had only week to live. Moping in despair, he asked what the good news could possibly be and the doctor said, "I just scored with my nurse!"

BulletShort Runway

After harrowing landing, the novice pilot was aghast that the runway could be so short and yet it was so wide he could barely see the end of it.

BulletLost

If you get lost and the locals only speak Chinese, what should you do?

Get a map and try to Orient yourself.

BulletNo Respect

Rodney Dangerfield gets no respect. His daughter must be dating a man from Federal Express. Every time she goes out, she absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

BulletRed Wine

Last summer, scientists found that drinking a glass of red wine everyday was good for your health. Now, they've found a way to compress those same benefits into a pill.

Yeah right, it's called a grape!

BulletStrange Mix

What do you get when you cross an immigrant with an Octopus?

I don't know but it sure can pick tomatoes.

BulletTruth, Lies and Outhouses

The impish girl turned on the tractor and pushed the outhouse into the creek. Later, her father told her the story of George Washington chopping down his father's cherry tree but wasn't spanked because he had told the truth.

The girl proudly announced, "I cannot tell a lie. I pushed the outhouse into the creek." He told her to bend over and the shocked child protested that George Washington had not been punished. The father replied, "Well, George's father wasn't IN the cherry tree when it got chopped down!"

BulletArchitecture

What did the wall say to the ceiling?

I'll meet you in the corner.