Raymond's Dirty Jokes

Part One

Links: Clean 1, Clean 2, Clean 3, Dirty 2, Humor Index

The Pill

Did you hear about the new morning-after birth control pill for men?

It doesn't do anything about the baby; it just changes your bloodtype.

Bar Bet

A slimy fellow proposed a one dollar bar bet to a full figured girl. Despite her dress being buttoned to the neck, he could touch her breasts without touching her clothes. Since this didn't seem remotely possible, she was intrigued and accepted the bet. He stepped up, cupped his hands around her breasts and squeezed firmly. With a baffled look, she said, "Hey, you touched my clothes" and he replied, "Okay. I owe you a dollar."

Rah Rah, Cis Boom Bah

What do you call three and a half Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders?

The seven wonders of the world.

The Bike

Two engineers were standing in the park. One had a new bike. The other said, "Nice bike. How much?" The first said , "It was free." The first asked, "Wow, how did you get it for free?" The one with the bike said," Yesterday a beautiful girl rode up on this bike, took off all her clothes and told me I could have anything I wanted." The other engineer said, "Good move! Her clothes wouldn't have fit you anyway!"

Redheads

How can you tell when a redhead is having PMS?

You can't!

Fridays

As the alarm clock sounded, the man sighed and said ,"T.G.I.F. thank god it's Friday." His wife rolled over and replied, "S.H.I.T. sorry honey, it's Thursday."

The Skateboard

Saint Peter asked three new arrivals whether they had ever cheated on their wives. The first had never been unfaithful, so he was given a Cadillac to drive around in heaven. The second had one transgression, so he was only given a scooter. The third had cheated constantly, so he only warranted a skateboard. The next day, the skateboarder saw the driver of the Cadillac in tears and asked how a Cadillac owner could be so sad. The driver said that he had bumped into his wife earlier and saw that she was on a skateboard.

The Hooker Joke

On a business trip to San Diego, I was feeling little lonely. So I went to the local house of ill-repute and asked for Sarah Jones. After a wild evening, Sarah said I was the best and she was sorry that she had to ask for $100. I smiled and gave her $200. The next night, we were at it again. Later she apologetically asked for another $100 since she "works for a living". I smiled and gave her another $200. The third night, I dropped by for one last roll in the hay. Afterwards, she asked for the $100. When I gave her another $200 and told her that I had to return to Boston. She remarked that she had a sister in Boston and I said, "I know. Your sister asked me to bring you $600!"

A Dirty Johnny Joke

The teacher announced that she had something behind her back that was round and good to eat. Johnny guessed that it was an apple. She said, "No, it's an orange, but I like the way you're thinking." Johnny then announced that he had something in his pocket that was long and hard. The teacher blushed and said "Johnny, how dare you!" He said, "No, it's a pencil, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Another Dirty Johnny Joke

Hey teacher, there are two women having a popsicle. One is licking it and the other is swallowing it; which one is married? The teacher guessed the one who was swallowing. Johnny answered, "No, it's the one with the wedding ring, but I like the way you're thinking!"

Slip of the Tongue

A slip of the tongue can be so embarrassing.
When I asked the beautiful salesgirl for a ticket to Pittsburgh, what came out was a "picket to Titsburg".

That's nothing. The other day I asked my wife to pass the salt and ended up saying, "You bitch, you ruined my life!"

Chinese Food

Why aren't Chinese prostitutes popular with American men?

Because half an hour later you're horny again.

Fifty Cents

Three boys found fifty cents and each volunteered a suggestion for spending it. The first recommended a candy bar, the second wanted a comic book, and the third suggested a tampon. The others asked what a tampon was and the third replied, "I don't what a tampon is but when you have one, you can go sailing, horseback riding, and live as a free spirit."

Moment of Silence

A teenager girl invited her new boyfriend over for dinner and suggested that they could make love afterwards. On his way over, the boy stopped at the pharmacy and asked for advice in selecting a condom. When he sat down at her parents dinner table, he bowed his head deeply in prayer. After several minutes, the girl interrupted, "You've been praying a long time. I didn't know that you were so religious." Without looking up, the boy said, "I'm not praying. I just didn't know that your father was a pharmacist."

Educational Progress

B.S.: Bullish*t
M.S.: More sh*t
Ph.D.: Piled higher and deeper

The Mafia's Mute

The kingpin hired a young mute to be his courier thinking that the boy could never tell any secrets. For months, the boy skimmed profits, but the mob was onto him. The boss threatened him with a gun but offered to release him if he would reveal where the money was hidden. Shivering with fright, the mute signed, "I'm so sorry. The money is buried in my garden. Thank you for letting me go." The mafia interpreter cracked a wry smile and translated to the boss, "He says, 'you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'."

Protection

Why do elephants wear condoms on their feet?

Because when they step you, you're screwed.
[Contributed by Tim Edwards]

Careers

The day after meeting three women in a bar, the guys tried to guess the professions of their dates. The first must have been with a nurse because she had said, "lie back, this won't hurt a bit." The second must have been a teacher because she had said, "you're going to do this over and over until you get it right." The last speculated that his date must have been a flight attendant because she had said, "place this over your mouth and nose and continue to breathe normally."

Solitaire

What is the definition of a yankee?

A quickie but by yourself!
[Contributed by Raynald Marchand]

Tongue Twister

I may not be a fig plucker
nor a fig plucker's son,
but I can pluck figs
until the fig pluckers come home.
[Don't try this if you blush easily]