New Computer Viruses

Contributed by Mary Ann Diebold

Lorena Bobbit Virus:

turns your hard disk into a 3.5 inch floppy

Woody Allen Virus:

bypasses the motherboard and turns on a daughter card

Tonya Harding Virus:

turns your .BAT files into lethal weapons

Paul Revere Virus:

warns of an impending virus infection: 1 if by LAN, 2 if by C:\

Hillary Rodham Clinton Virus:

instantly turns 1K of disk space into 1 Meg

Ollie North Virus:

plays a patriotic .WAV while it shreds your files

Joey Buttafuaco Virus:

only attacks minor files

Michael Jackson Virus:

preys on child processes

Ronald Reagan Virus:

saves your data, but forgets where it's stored

Jane Fonda Virus:

attacks your hard drive's FAT

Oprah Winfrey virus:

Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB

AT&T Virus:

Every three minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus:

Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T virus

Politically Correct Virus:

Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic microorganism."

Ross Perot Virus:

Activates every component in your system, just before the whole darn thing quits

Arnold Schwarzenegger Virus:

Terminates and stays resident. It'll be back

Government Economist Virus:

Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine

Federal Bureaucrat Virus:

Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer

Adam and Eve Virus:

Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple computer

Congressional Virus #1:

The computer locks up, screen splits erratically with a message appearing on each half blaming the other side for the problem

Congressional Virus #2:

Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously but doesn't allow the user to accomplish anything

Airline Virus:

You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore

Freudian Virus:

Your computer becomes obsessed with its own motherboard. Or becomes very jealous of the size of your friend's hard drive

PBS Virus:

Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money

Jimmy Hoffa Virus:

Your programs can never be found again

LAPD Virus:

It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense."

O.J. Virus:

It claims that it did not, could not and would not delete two of your files and vows to find the virus that did it