January 2005 - Strange Dark Waters
RayzRealm (c) January, 2005

[Jan 14]

Friday January 14

Jesus is coming soon, look busy!

This ole rock we're all hitching a ride on seems to be going through some sort of spasms, like a global charley horse. Anyone with eyes that can see, half a brain and is old enough to see the trend in climate change knows that something has been amiss for a number of years; increase in violent storms, earthquakes, volcanic eruptions, tsunamis, major shifts from the norm in weather in many parts of the world, etc, etc.

I still believe in an infinite God (not the same one Bush, Falwell and all claim as a staunch Rethuglican supporter), a God, who through some power beyond anything a science fiction writer can dream up, created the material universe and everything in it. It's only this heretic's belief, but I think he created everything to be self regulating, just as the many systems in the human body as well as the lesser critters take care of themselves to varying degrees. Mention this to a fundie and they'll call you a hell bent heretic. I was almost burned at the stake for posting a very lengthy and thought provoking article I wrote on Usenet, "God as an Object Oriented Architect."

January has always been a "strange dark" month for me. It's been the month when I endured some of my life's worst hardships and decision, almost every year without fail. It is my cursed month.

I'm embarking on a new voyage this year that began last Fall, a journey of self discovery and wonder. It has also been a time of great anxiety covering a number of converging issues. I didn't realize how closed and locked my life had become during the past 5 years, until the fates threw Rob in my path, and through him, I'm also meeting new people, once again realizing I'm an "all around nice guy" and someone a select group of people want to be around.

Rob's a lot like me in a number of ways, marches to the beat of a different drummer and is not a herd animal, developing what hopefully will be a deep lifelong friendship with someone in my own age group who has walked along some of the same cracked and broken paths as me. He's also reawakened the mischievous side of my personality

I've ignored the warning signs my body has been sending for years; the chest pains, shortness of breath, palpitations and dizzy spells until this week when I called my doctor after finding my blood pressure was idling at 180-200/90-110. My blood pressure has always been on the low side recent development, plus feeling like I was going to keel over at any minute drove me to call my doctor who had me rushed to the ER. My pulse and blood pressure were erratic and I was wheeled off to an observation ward. it looked like I either had or was having a heart attack. I made a number of calls, boss, landlord, Noel and Ellen and Rob who had almost ordered me to call 911.

He raced up here from the Cape, on Tuesday night and told me not to worry, he'd take care of my place. I gave him the keys and he stayed with me until he had to leave. Even a few acquaintances seemed very concerned, asking if there was anything they could do to help. I spent a sleepless night at the hospital. How can one sleep when every hour they're either taking blood, refreshingly empty IV bottle or taking vitals. All through the night my heart readings were normal. I was shuttlecock a stress test in the morning, which I was told would reveal any apprenticeship. The blood work came back normal and the stress test, as grueling as it was, showed normal cardiac behavior. Now I know what sled dogs feel like when their driver cracks his whip and yells "mush!" On the non reassuring side of the coin, I was told the stress test is not perfect and I could have a heart attack tomorrow anyway.

The bottom line is that I was having severe levels of stress and anxiety attacks, which can show all the signs of a heart attack and can bring one on. I drove myself home in the pouring rain where Rob was waiting. There were a few nervous people who were waiting to hear from me. I was totally drained to the bone after this ordeal, and it is good to have Rob spending the week with me, playing the ever watchful Nurse Rachett.

I have to learn again how to relax and let go, to enjoy life and the small handful of people providence has given me.

So far this Fall and Winter has the overall stormiest one I can remember, 4-6 storms of varying intensities hitting us every week. Will the sun ever shine again?

January 24 update: Due to a lot of chronic and acute health problems (in and out of the ER), uncertainty about most everything and one of the most never-ending brutal winters on record, I've decided to put any further writing and updates to RayzRealm on hold for now.......currently i don't have the desire or motivation to continue in here until a few things (if ever) get resolved. Anyone who visits RayzRealm can reach me via email rayzrealm@rcn.com

A Walkman it's not

After becoming a frequent flier to the ER,
wearing a walkman that plays a different tune.

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Shalom, Ray