April 2005 - Dancing In The Rain
RayzRealm (c) March, 2005

[Apr 05][Apr 11][Apr 22]

Tuesday April 5

Last Tango In Providence

There's no fool like an April fool and I am now convinced that for the majority of Murcans, every day is April Fool's day. It poured most of last week the weather puppets were hyping up "build your arks now, massive flooding of Biblical proportions is coming.

Rob drove up last Thursday for the weekend, and since the weekend was shaping up to be abysmal as far as weather was concerned, we discussed the pro's and cons of catching the red eye to Providence for a full day of Conga line dancing, so packed my grass skirt, various trinkets, a can of 10W40, bottled water, trail mix and a few bananas and canoed our way South to Rhode Island for a full day to dance the Conga, Rumba and Tango out of the rain.

After a full day of dance, but mostly because a voice over the loudspeaker said our time was up, we headed back to the Boston area, stopping at a nice little family run restaurant in Waltham for dinner. We got the "2 prime rib dinners for $25" Saturday night special, which wasn't too bad by today's prices.

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Monday April 11

Dead Man Walking

I try not to watch or listen to any of the mainstream media news any more, including PBS and NPR, since it seems more and more everything (except the Internet) is controlled by the Bushevik's. Now that all the dead people are out of the news we can move on to the more pressing issues; Michael Jackson, sports, and praise of what a swell job our beloved emperor is doing in uniting the world (Ahem sound of clearing throat....against us!")

With the direction the neo nazi.....I mean neo-cons are steering the world, perhaps the Pope and that Shiavo lady are the lucky ones. If any bible thumper or politician ever uses me as political leverage, keeping me in a vegetative state (so long as the insurance keeps paying) way past my sell by date, I swear I'll come back from the dead to haunt then.

About 20 years ago I was told I had 1 to 3 years (tops) to live, so I was involved in a number of depressing support groups for people in my boat. I was whining on and on about fearing dieing alone. A couple of the more seasoned "not quite dead yet" members of the group set me straight," so what, everyone dies alone. You planning on taking friends and family with you?"

I have come to believe that a lot of neo-cons and far right wing nut thumpers truly hate this world and life in general, or why else would they be murdering the countless millions over the years. Of course the faster we put an end to the world's misery by destroying the planet and engaging in perpetual wars, the faster Jesus will return to judge the non Rethuglican sinners and hand out awards to his chosen flock; Rethuglicans, religious wing nuts, white trailer trash and billionaires....praise de lawd! hallelujah!

Now here it is over 20 years later and I'm still here and facing the prospect of having nothing to retire on as I approach legal "old folk, card carrying AARP status." The way things are going if some rogue nation doesn't nuke us in the dead of night (a good possibility considering our beloved keepers have pissed off 98% of the world to the point of going 911 on us) or God doesn't lob a comet or giant meteor at earth, the meds I'm taking will probably do me in long before the disease itself does.

One small comfort is that the creator in all his infinite wisdom, made us with a built in self destruct mechanism, sooner or later everyone, regardless of income level, status, political or religious beliefs sheds this mortal coil. The fundie indoctrination of my youth told me that we get sick and die as pay back for what Adam and Eve did back when the world was very young. According to the mythos I was weaned on, the devil (slick bastard that he is) tempted Even, who then hen pecked Adam into disobeying God's order not to touch the fruit from some tree, which I now know is symbolic for something else. Whatever the original sin (bug in the hardware/software) God went postal on them and we're still paying the price today, unless we accept Jesus as saviour, vote Rethuglican and make well over $100,000 a year....let's err on the safe side....make at least $1,000,000 or more, preferably much much more!

I don't fear death quite as much as I used to (come back and ask when blind Joe death is standing at my bedside, I might sing a different tune). It's not so much the dieing that bothers me as how I'm going to get there; something quiet, painless and peaceful would be nice. Being instantly vaporized in a nuclear explosion might not be so bad so long as I'm sitting right at ground zero, but I'd prefer not to have my last days spent, slowly rotting in a hospital bed or back alley somewhere.

I never had many friends in life, so the funeral and memorial service could be an intimate quiet gathering, nothing fancy, no cathedrals filled with smells, bells and organ music, maybe a short play list I'd leave behind in my last wishes, "I can't Find My Way Home" by Blind Faith, "Darkness Darkness" by The Youngbloods, "Relight My Fire" by Dan Hartman, "Smalltown Boy" by Bronski Beat, "What a Wonderful World" by Louie Armstrong and end the service with "Amazing Grace" as sung by Judy Collins, If people wanted to stick around for a while, they could have a movie marathon and watch some of my favorite movies from my personal library. Jacob's Ladder, Apocalypse Now, American Beauty, Buckaroo Banzai, Repo Man, Presidents Analyst, Dr. Strangelove, Magnolia, Jack the Bear.....to name a few.

After everyone has satiated themselves with mourning, they could all catch the first morning ferry to Provincetown, spreading my ashes over the water before docking, then have a nice brunch, get in some nude bathing in the dunes, dance a little dance at afternoon tea dance, ending the day with a nice quiet dinner by the water.

Finally there's my estate, HAH! what a rude awakening they're all in for! About the only thing I'll leave behind are a bunch of well worn clothes, books, videos, CD collection plus some aging electronic gadgets and assorted bric-a-brac. The only thing I will have left behind will be a diseased, worn out body, some assorted junk that people can all fight over, this web site and a small crew of people (paid mourners mostly) who will all stand around asking themselves, "who was this guy? anyone know what his name was?"

Aaaahhhhh's a'comin Lawd, aaahhhh's a'comin

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Friday April 22


I spent a splendid 5 days in Provincetown, a truly magical place, with my partner in crime Rob and another friend from Maine last weekend, but not before "yet another" medical emergency raised it's ugly head the night before my scheduled departure to the Cape. I have had foot problems for a number of years due to muscle wasting in one leg. I have had a lot of problems with a chronic infection in the toes and foot that wound up developing into cellulitis, which I knew very little about before this, but quickly learned it could be fatal if not taken care of. When I finally got through to my doctor's nurse, he said get to the ER as soon as possible, where they put me on an oral antibiotic for 10 days. The new nuke med I am on, the same one that carries a red alert card, can also cause these symptoms, among dozens of others, plus the testosterone also can cause ankle and foot swelling problems.

All medical stuff aside, it was a 5 day getaway of timeless bliss, which a getaway to PTown usually is for me. When I left to return home and to reality on Tuesday I got all misty eyed and, slumping into a depression as I made my way back home. For a change it was clear and sunny the entire time I was there, a bit cool, but beautiful all the same.

Returning to reality included returning to work, a new far right wing pope (no surprises here) and a follow up visit to my doctor who just shrugs and says, "well, let's wait and see what happens." The Amerikan medical system is so totally broken, along with everything else that's on the verge of collapse.

The end can't be too far behind and what's bothering me (among the many things that do) is the fever pitch of Rapture hype. All this religious extremism and lunacy is giving me a migraine of Biblical proportions, let alone the additional angst of knowing I'll be one of those left behind. The lunatics and psychopaths have hijacked the message of Jesus Christ, twisting it to fit into their own political agenda of death and destruction...."praise GOD! launch them nukes in Jesus" holy name hallelujah!"

And here I am, one of the dwindling numbers of tree hugging librul, sandal wearing, free thinking, godless, commie, homo, democratic, blue state bastards, who will be left behind after the rapture has come and gone. Whenever I have tried plodding my way through the Old testament, I'd swear it was written by Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh and the Bush administration and not a eternal, all knowing God. Of course the "good book" does also say that those who live by the sword die by the sword...hmmm. There are a lot of things that the New Testament that Jesus preached that seem to be 180 out from what the Mucran Taliban preach.

There are a lot of things in the book of Revelations are unsettling, considering the fundie clerics of my youth beat the last chapter of the Bible to death, and a lot of what is symbolized in it seems to be coming to pass. What makes it worse this time is now we have a group of lunatics running the asylum, who are really pushing the hand of God hard to end it all.

The older I get, the more doubts I have as to the true nature of God and whatever his purpose is for us. And yeah I still believe in the one God of the faith. I wonder how God feels about the way the greed mongers and power brokers are raping and pillaging the planet, as well as it's various people's, who are also part of his creation. Yeah, there's a part of me that believes the Earth is sacred, in that it is a creation of God, meant to be our home,to which we have been entrusted stewardship.

There are times I feel compelled to utter a silent prayer of thanks; for a sunny day, for sitting in the sun under a clear blue sky by the ocean, watching the gulls swoop and soar on air currents, sitting on a high hilltop peering down upon the world below, walking under a star filled night sky, with only the sound of peepers in the background or walking through the woods listening to the sound of birds, the wind rustling through the trees and water running along a stream, with no sounds of automotive traffic, boom boxes or other man made noises.....this is God's music, these are the times I spend alone with the one God of my understanding. So I do believe in a single God, the same one that the neocons claim to invoke, but I prefer to approach mine humbly, whispering a silent brief prayer; for peace, for justice or just to ask forgiveness and guidance for all the rude things I myself am guilty of doing, and sometimes it's just a simple "thank you" for giving me this day and time to feel connected with the rest of his creation. These are the brief glimpses of the "eternal now" that I hold on to and that keep me sane. The 5 days spent on the Cape was one of those eternal now's.

It seems (to me anyway) that everything in this material world was purposely created to be inter dependent, we're living in what is supposed to be a symbiotic relationship with the rest of humanity, as well as everything else here that God has spread out before us. If we all took care of one another and the planet as a whole, we could not create a heaven on Earth, only God can do that, but we'd all be a lot better off. On the flip side if humanity continues to follow the path it's on, lead by the lunatics and megalomaniacs, we will surely get to see a Hell on earth. I believe we are starting to see this happening now.....may God have mercy on us all!

And here's some light bed time reading while waiting for the rapture, gathered from around the web during the past week or so. 

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Shalom, Ray