August 2003 - Monsters
RayzRealm (c) August, 2003

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Saturday August 2

Ripley, "Leave him behind he's got one inside of him, I can smell it."

Test Subject, "What's inside me? What's inside me? WHAT THE FUCK IS INSIDE ME!"

Ripley, "You've got a monster inside your chest. These men hijacked your ship and put an alien in you....and it's a really nasty one."

July was an almost living emotional Hell, actually it was a living hell, and so far August is off to another medically disastrous month. Waiting for pathology reports to come back is like sitting on death row, waiting on a call from the governor, especially when the consulting surgeon made the passing comment, "you should use this time to get your life affairs in order." There's something they're not telling me. This is only one of the many things the angry warrior Jehovah god has tossed my way for being a faulty sinful human. I won't comment on everything else, it's just as bad.

It's strange, but last Spring my doctor highly reccommended an early warning screening for colo rectal cancer, telling me, it should be fine as my colonoscopy a year ago was perfect. Of course the result came back slightly abnormal, and after seeing a specialist, it's much more abnormal than I bargained for.

I suppose I need to get a simple will put together. It's something I have kept putting off, especially since I have no close friends or family so to speak of, and I certainly don't want the state getting any of my untold millions (in pennies).

As I've mentioned a number of times in past journals, I'm one of those rare souls who can honestly claim to not really have any real family or close friends, which scares me all the more considering the current situation. A few passing casual acquaintances have insisted that I call them, claiming if I ever needed help of any kind, some company or just to talk, to call and they'd be there. Well I attempted to call in a couple of these offers, the response being, "oh gee, what a bummer. Gosh, I'd hate to be on your shoes. I'll send warm fuzzy thoughts your way. I'd like to talk but you caught me on my way out. I'll call you later today." Needless to say the calls never came.

For now I've pretty much lost all interest in writing or making many changes to Area51. For all I care right now resident Bush and his amoral band of greedy pirates could start Armageddon tomorrow, "bring em on!" Just let me know exactly where the bombs will be dropping and I'll grab a lawn chair and book, and make myself comfy right at ground zero.

Doug, If you're still following my site at all, are we crazy, or are there large quiet festering groups of others in the land of the super rich who see what we see?

"God bless Bush's America"
"God help the rest of us, God help us all!"
"Jesus, protect us from your followers.

end transmission................

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Tuesday August 5

I have been dealing with a never ending urinary infection and maybe kidney stone that has not put me in the best frame of mind, plus my mom is not doing well after falling and breaking her hip, plus if I act now, I also get the Ginsu knives and salad shooter free of charge.

I was crawling the walls waiting for biopsy results to come back; unfortunately I read an e-mail from the specialist before she could talk to me. After meeting with her last week I left thinking a high level of abnormality in the biopsy meant cancer. The message was short and "to me" cryptic. Not being in a good frame of mind to begin with I fired off a rather fatalistic reply, asking for more information.

She called me at work to explain that this is NOT cancer, but a pre cancerous condition that can go on in some percentage to become cancer. If we catch and remove it now, hopefully that will be it, so long as I'm followed closely.

My stress levels this Summer have been in a steep vertical climb, too many issues (many not mentioned here) to digest all at once.

All this week New England will be caught in a stalled tropical air mass. Every day we've had random monsoon rains with lots of thunder and lightning, with about 1000% humidity. I can almost watch the mildew growing on me. If this horrid steam room pattern doesn't break soon, I'll begin looking like a Chia Pet.

I have to use some vacation and was planning on taking next week off anyway. I think I'll just stay local, take care of some chores and veg out.

A coworker sent me the following poem. It's sort of cute and appropriate, in light of the millions of prescription drugs that are taken/required in our much healthier 21st century Amerika. 

A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself
One yellow pill I hope to pop
Goes to my heart so it won't stop,
A little white one that I take,
Goes to my hands so they won't shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot,
Tell me I'm happy when I'm not.
The purple goes to my brain,
And tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to sneeze,
Or cough, or choke or even wheeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all,
Go to my blood so I won't fall.
The orange ones so big and bright,
Stop my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills,
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I'd really like to know,
Is what tells each one where to go?

I'll end today's entry with a handful of articles that I had hanging around in my "News Links to Evaluate" favorites folder.

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Saturday August 9

I saw two doctors this week regarding the mysterious ongoing urinary problem. What a nightmare getting in and out of Boston. Monday I was in agony, so the clinic my doctor is in sent me to a satellite branch in the South End. This was news to me since I was not aware they had a branch in the holy land. To save time I took took the Mass Pike, but stupid me missed the Copley exit and was heading for the Ted Williams tunnel. I wound up lost in South Boston. Thank goodness there was an English speaking convenience store cashier who got me back on the right path.

There was the usual poking, prodding and a check of my prostate. The lymph nodes in my groin were swollen. He took a urine sample and like the nurse he thought it could be a kidney stone. The first round of antibiotics did nothing, a few days later the nurse called me back to tell me that there were no blood or white cells in the urine, and after I told him the symptoms were just as bad, was sent to another doctor yesterday afternoon.

Oh great, it's a friday, I'm on vacation next week and had to race into Boston again through scattered monsoons and road flooding, and as an added bonus the Red Sox were playing a double header at Fenway Park. Needless to say every garage within easy walking distance to my doctor's office was full, so I wound up parking in a Back Bay garage that wound up costing me $25 to park for anything over 2 hours (Boston is such a hell hole). Doctor number three performed the same exam, admitting he was a bit stumped, "there is definitely some sort of low level infection going, but the tests all came back negative." He wrote me a script for Cipro, since the other antibiotics did not work, telling me, "if this doesn't work call me back, and I'll probably have you see a urologist." At least if there's an anthrax attack this weekend, I'm taking Cipro.

Since I was going to pay $25 to park, I stayed in town to eat dinner, browsing in Barnes and Noble until after rush hour (rush hour in Boston always seems like 24x7).

Last night I had the weirdest dream, brief but vivid and weird. It was twilight (it never seems to be bright and sunny in my dreams). I was walking around in Boston and noticed that everyone was driving Hummers, not the cheap $50,000 ones but the munga huge model. They all had black, gun metal gray and camo paint jobs and were spewing thick black smoke. The drivers were careening every which way, driving up over curbs and running down pedestrians. I was rescued from this nightmare by my alarm clock at 5AM this morning. I laid there thinking, 'God, I'm so tired, I wish I didn't have to go to work today', as I dragged myself out of bed to take my morning meds. Then I realized, it's Saturday and I'm off all next week!

We're now going on 3 weeks of steamy humidity, dark skies, with scattered monsoon rains, which is supposed to continue through next week, but remember the climate is not changing and pollution has nothing to do with the freaky weather that seems to be affecting the entire planet.

I don't know why, but the following passages from Second Timothy have been playing themselves over and over in my head. I have not set foot in a church in over 3 years (shame on me) and find it very difficult to pray at all any more. What's interesting is that this interoffice memo to Timothy seems to address the pickle that the US is bogged down in. The world may not end soon but I hope and pray that the current madness and evil that has hijacked our fair country passes and that truth and justice will prevail

2 Timothy 3, Dangerous Times Are Coming
1. But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come
2. For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters,
proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
3. unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self control, brutal,
despisers of good,
4. traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers
of God,
5. having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such
people turn away!
6. For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives
of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts,
7. always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
8. Now as Jannes and Jambres resisted Moses, so do these also resist the
truth: men of corrupt minds, disapproved concerning the faith;
9. but they will progress no further, for their folly will be manifest
to all, as theirs also was.

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Sunday August 10

As threatening as the skies appeared, I decided to go into Boston early yesterday morning. After driving around for almost 45 minutes, I could not find one of the usual "free for all on weekends" hidden places I can usually park in, so headed for the Boston Common underground garage. Here's an interesting little observation; both Monday and Friday when I had doctor appointments and yesterday, many of the the spaces designated for "Compact Cars Only" were taken up by SUV's and mini vans, and not the smaller "wannabe" variety of yuppie transporters, but the mammoths. It's bad enough that Boston has probably 100,000 or fewer fewer parking spaces than cars, it's like trying to stuff Dolly Parton into a training bra, but I have a hard time grasping why downtown residents buy mammoth SUV's. Maybe it's because of Boston's legendary "potholes" that can swallow up a compact vehicle.

I endured living in Boston's Fenway neighborhood for a year, but that was back in the early 80's when many inner city denizens did not own cars, before every man, woman and child had their own car. I used car and van pools from the 70's through late 80's, and enjoyed not having to drive, being able to chat or play cards with the other passengers. These all eventually faded, as many found the pooling experience painfully "inconvenient" to their "lifestyles". Since I lacked a lifestyle, car and van pooling suited my needs, saving money, gas and wear and tear on my own car.

I ran into a guy I knew from my early days in 12 step in the glass tunnel linking Copley Place to the Pru complex, an older guy with long white hair who was also a Korean war vet. We talked for a while, the conversation shifting to national and world affairs. He was very emphatic stating his heartfelt feeling that the bush administration is hell bent on destroying this nation, plus as much of the rest of the world as they can. I could tell the subject got him agitated. He said that he "prayed" that the American people would rise up and demand that the entire administration be brought to justice and tried for crimes against the American people and the world.

He then asked how everything was going with me, and when I told him about the upcoming early warning cancer surgery and everything else, he gave me a warm hug, "I know it's hard, but try to take everything one day at a time, and pray to God as you understand him to give you strength and hope".

After we went our separate ways, I browsed in Barnes and Noble to take my mind off of everything. At noon I made my way back toward Copley square and had lunch at the Living Center and made an appointment to see a law group they contract with regarding finally getting my life affairs in order.

The urinary problem shows no signs of improving, and to be honest I felt like crap. The weather didn't help much, the air was so heavy with humidity, breathing was uncomfortable. I returned home, turned on the A/C and watched "Clean and Sober" with Michael Keaton , "Jack The Bear" with Danny DeVito and a couple of Simpsons episodes, a bit of dark pathos for a dreary Saturday.

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Monday August 11

"Darkness Darkness"

I'm just about ready for Summer to end, it was a total write off for me anyway this year. With the exception of 3 or 4 days since June, it has either rained and been oppressively humid, or been just plain oppressively hot and humid. Whenever the whacked out weather gets me down now, all I have to do is click my heels together and repeat the following prayer over and over

"Thank you Jesus, thank you Jesus, thank...you...Jayzusssss! for having brothers Jerry and Pat put our hearts and minds to rest, that there is no such thing as global warming, or anything else that those Communist pinko, terrorist rag head butt kissing fag, granola, vegan peace hippies keep insisting big oil and industry are doing to the environment. Smite all of the whining, bicycle riding, mass transit riding, Japanese rice burning econobox driving vermin dead and make the world safe for a world where there are 2 Hummers in every driveway, fat investment portfolios and McMansions that the lowly can never hope to afford, lining every street. Oh great warrior Jehovah God, turn all those who didn't vote Rebublikan into toads. Oh great angry vengeful God, who loves a good war and to see the multitudes starve and suffer while the few prosper, make pansies bloom on the Antarctic ice cap and the oceans rise 100 feet to drown all of the liberal sinners who cling to the coastal regions, Bring us 1000 years of supreme far right wing self righteousness rule. In the name of the neo conservative, far right wing agenda we pray, Aaaammmennn, kukamonga, kowabunga, shazam and bring'em on!"

Someone keeps feeding quarters into the jukebox in the back of my mind and playing the same two songs over and over, "Darkness Darkness" by the Youngbloods and "Baby Please Don't Go" played by The Chocolate Watch Band. Maybe I am going to die soon as music from my long dark past keeps playing in my head.

I drove out to see my mom early yesterday morning in the nursing home. I've reached the point where I'm feeling her pain, and feel helpless. The medical staff basically say there is nothing more they can do, and she'll have to live with the excruciating pain for the rest of her life. I suppose I'll burn in hell anyway, but I stopped believing in a all kind, all forgiving, all understanding and all loving God a a few years ago. There just doesn't seem to be any justice in the world, nothing ever seems to touch the likes of Resident bush and his ilk, they just keep on prospering and gaining more power, while the little people have one lightning bolt after another flung at them from a smirking, sadistic invisible sky being.

Sometimes it helps to remember some of my Dad's words when he was still alive. Dad was a tough as nails guy with a heart of pure gold. He fought in the big one and was part of of the Naval force that landed in Normandy, he was a fireman for 37 years and put his life on the line daily to save others, and never asked anything in return. He was a loud, boisterous man, but at the same time very humble and a devout Christian. I think one of the things that kept him sane was something he told me on a number of occasions about there being no justice or equality in this world, he said "I just hope and pray that the arrogant, rich and powerful get theirs in the next life and that the little guy who has been stepped on all his life gets led straight into Heaven when he dies and those who got it all here get the punishment that's coming to them for hurting everyone else." What was weird was that one week before he passed away, Dad sat bolt upright and told my mother that there was no God or devil, no Heaven or Hell, it was all a lie, and Hell is here, we're all living in it now." He then lapsed back into a morphine induced sleep.

Every time I've visited my mother lately, she keeps asking for Dad to be here.Well, my old man (like many brave soldiers) had more bravery and heart in a hangnail than the entire Bush cartel have in their entire collective beings. To quote the Bible out of context, "they are full of dead men's bones."

I spent a few hours with Noel and Ellen after visiting Mom, which is always a treat for the mind and soul. Since they were heading over to visit Noel's mother at the same nursing home, I rode over with them and made a rare double header visit with mom. Last night I had a long winded phone conversation with Doug in Chicago. I hope I get to see him before he returns to Southeast Asia.

I caught the bus into Harvard Square this morning (really exciting vacation), making sure to carry my umbrella. Since we've been having almost daily monsoon rain, although the sun was out, I'd play it safe. If I left my umbrella at home it would have rained all day, but since I was carrying it, the sun glared down all day, and that humidity, whew! The extreme urinary discomfort seemed to wane for the first time since the beginning of July last night, hopefully the Cipro is taking care of the infection. I hope it doesn't return. I have been hydrating the hell out of myself per the doctor's orders, two liters of bottled water, a bucket of iced coffee, a 20 oz bottle of cranberry juice, and I was still sweating out more than was passing through me.

I lost myself in CD and book browsing, which is always relaxing, and helps take my mind off of other issues. The only things I've been spending money on during this vacation are cigarettes, fluids and dining out at inexpensive eateries. I had a late lunch at Johnny's Luncheonette on Mass Ave. I had a delectable lumberjack sized beer batter boneless fried chicken dinner with heavenly mashed potatoes, cole slaw and cranberry sauce for $9.95, urp!

It keeps getting spookier and spookier, a growing majority of pod people careening along the sidewalks, speaking into the ether on cell phones. I just thought of an invention that could make me rich, velcro strips, surgically attached to the side of the head, with a mating strip that mounts on any cell phone, for never ending hands free mindless blather.

I'm also noticing a lot more pod people carting around wireless internet ready lap top computers. I recently saw a small article in Business Week (I think) about a company that was building wireless web surfing into Porta Potties. Now you can surf while you poop, Lord God deliver us from this nonsense!

Since I don't have a life, I try to extract bits of entertainment and amusement from wherever I can, including those TV home shopping channels. Lately the home shopping channels have been hawking wireless lap tops, demonstrating the power and majesty of being able to open 1000 browser windows at the same time, while you simultaneously watch a DVD movie, e-mail Delbert's baby pictures to Aunt Zelda in Peoria, download and burn music CD's, check your stock portfolio, design next year's Christmas cards, make airline and hotel reservations, and play video games all at the same time. Not even Vishnu has enough hands to do all that at once. Don't get me wrong, I think technology is great (in moderation) and that the internet is a fabulous research tool and means of free global exchanges of ideas, but moderation children, moderation.

Speaking of research, I have compiled my latest wish list of retina tickling eye candy from my morning web run. Between now and before the snow flies, I hope to add the following to my video library; "The Hours", "Bowling For Columbine", "Simpsons - Season 3", "Futurama - Volume 2", "Matrix Reloaded" and "Taken - Steven Spielberg"

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Wednesday August 20

I had last week off, but spent most of the time in bed, or catching a bus into town. Overall I had way too much time alone to think about medical and world issues. I have had a gnawing gut feeling in my soul since the early 80's about everything that is happening today. I had mentioned in one of last year's journals, that my internal intuitive voice kept whispering "2004, remember that year, it's very important". This began around 1978, and at the time it held very little meaning for me. I'd mention this deep gut feeling to people, who all just shrugged it off, "that's weird. I wonder why 2004 keeps coming into your head. I knew that nothing I had read or heard made even a vague reference to 2004, but it was always a year I remember for some reason.

As far as writing in here goes, I have not felt like saying much. I'm at a point where I am thoroughly disgusted with the un elected gang of greedy globalist hoodlums that are are running the country (and world) into the ground. The only prayer I feel capable of mustering up is that, if there is a just, loving and compassionate God, that he bring peace and justice to this land, as well as abroad, that if this band is as downright sociopathic and evil as my heart tells me they are, that he expose all of their lies to the light of truth and the American people, that the American people are woken from their comas and that......this is asking way too much... that we finally get some honest and trustworthy American leadership. My other prayers are for our men and women in uniform who serve in the military, both past and present, that God watch over and protect them, and for the many millions of American as well as foreign nationals who are being hurt by the "capitalism out of control" agenda. Most people (excluding those who make well, well into the 6 and 7 figures) I have talked with seem to share my feelings of disgust, but I do reside in Eastern Massachusetts, one of the few remaining sleeper cells of people who have eyes to see and minds still capable of independent critical thought.

On a more local front, I'm still filled with anxiety over my upcoming surgery to remove a couple of pre cancerous colo rectal growths. The only thing I know is what the surgeon told me, "whether or not we find more extensive problems, the surgery and recovery will be rather uncomfortable for 4 to 6 weeks." Why don't they just come right out and say it will be painful as hell. An itchy wool sweater can be rather uncomfortable, but surgery goes way beyond that.

Then there has been the chronic urinary/prostate problem that began in late June and has left 3 different doctors scratching their heads. After 3 rounds of antibiotics, it's worse now than ever. I see my doctor later this week for more tests since the tests they have run have all come back normal. Most of the time I feel like someone set off a large truck bomb somewhere in my pelvic region, it's difficult and painful to pee, shooting pains down my legs, etc, which has not put me in the best frame of mind. For such a small gland, the prostate can cause more pain than it's worth. Life is hell (or purgatory) for most of us, then you die.

With all the unresolved medical issues I still have, I have too much going on in my head to feel like my usual mindless commentary about cell phone zombies, people watching and cheap eateries; perhaps a bit later, when and if my current crop of crises get resolved.

Finally here are a bunch of articles I book marked over the past week or so, that I found interesting for various reasons. I've also added a couple of dozen new links on the Page Of Secrets, Chapel, Library and Library Annex pages, enjoy.

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Sunday August 24

What's this with the recent barrage of computer viruses, worms and Trojan horses? I used to play unsafe, updating my virus definitions every couple of months, but lately it's been a weekly exercise in paranoia. I've also been the unfortunate recipient of a couple of nasty spy/spam ware programs that a lot of virus software doesn't even see. There have been a number of informative warning articles posted on my employer's Intranet page about the growing plague of spam and virus attacks. The webmeister posted a very useful link to Lavasoft where I was able to download a free trial copy of Adaware. This nifty little scumware detection and removal program worked quite well, so well that I'll probably purchase the full copy.

The explosion of spam and viruses are taking some of the joy out of surfing the web, or even using e-mail for that matter. In any given week, I get from 250 to over 400 spams. During this past week I didn't get one single valid personal e-mail message. My twice daily ritual is viewing subject lines of all new messages (without preview) and almost always selecting all to be sent to the land of dead presidents, has been celebrities and ghosts DELETE.

At least the storm of e-mails promising bigger and more powerful penises, breasts, abs and bunz have slowed down. I haven't seen any mails lately from Heather and her drunken cheer leader friends offering pictures of their orgy with the football team and her German shepherd Thor. I'm also relieved that Butch has not recently sent me any offers of pictures of him getting gang butt fucked in the locker room after the big game. I am still getting bombarded daily with offers of homes for under $10,000 (must be in Kabul or Baghdad), incredible investment deals, offers to wipe out my debt, offers to make $50,000 a month or more at home while in my bath robe. Now the spams for "Re-Elect Bush/Cheney in 2004" and "Arnold for governor of California" have begun rolling in, DELETE! DELETE! NUKE! ZAP!

I wonder if there are any solid statistics on how many people actually respond to and attempt to purchase the goods and services dangled in front them through all of the spam.

I caught the bus into Boston early yesterday morning, changing buses in Harvard Square. This weekend's weather is supposed to be the best of the entire Summer, high 70's to mid 80's, clear skies with low humidity, a day too nice to stay indoors.

I chatted with quite a few random people, mostly store staffers about the current state of the world, our nation and it's "alleged" leaders. I got the distinct impression that everyone I talked with clearly saw through the lies of our un elected leaders, and there was a lot of rage and frustration in their voices. But again, This is Massachusetts, a land of aloof skeptics and thinkers. We also have our share of sheeple.

Saturday was a day of just relaxing and wandering aimlessly through cafes, book and music stores, and plain old walking through the city in the sunshine. I picked up my eagerly awaited copy of "Bowling For Columbine" while I was in town before catching the bus into Harvard Square. I stayed in the Square and had dinner at Johnny's Luncheonette.

I'm not sure yet, but I may stop here and call it quits for the August flight recorder entries. I don't really feel that there's anything else I want to say this month, unless something earth shattering comes up between now and Labor Day weekend. I was browsing in one of Harvard Square's used record stores yesterday. A Classic Motown collection was playing in the background. I'll end with this short thought

"Makes me wanna holler, throw up both my hands"
-Marvin Gaye, Inner City Blues

Here are a couple of links to articles that'll get the blood pressure of the non filthy rich elevated.

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Friday August 29

"There's nothing we can do,
even God is on their side.
-Cerrone, Supernature

"The desire of power in excess caused angels to fall;
the desire of knowledge in excess caused a man to fall;
but in charity is no excess, neither can man or angels
come into danger by it."
- Francis Bacon -

I know I said on the 24th that I had nothing more to say for August, but the following thoughts have been ratting around in my head like ricocheting bullets.

Anyone who was into the 70's dance scene probably remembers Cerrone, one of the European artists who produced some of the best dance tunes of that era. Supernature was a little story set to a dance beat about how man's meddling with the environment, opened a Pandora's box of trouble.

A lot of Christian wing nuts I have known claim that environmentalists are new age Satanic spawn, and that God is not concerned at all with environmental issues (subdue and pave the earth, so saith de Lawd). I may not be a good Christian (hell most fundies consider me on an express rocket sled to hell), but doesn't the Bible also say that we be good stewards of the planet he created for us to inhabit during this life.

Visit the two links I posted for August 24, Preachers and Bozo Speak, links to statements made by our nations top ranking religious wing nuts. The scary part is they honestly believe all the stuff they spout from the bottom of their hearts. I know this for a fact, since I was temporally deeply involved with groups of ultra conservative right wing Christians during the mid to late 70's, and it took 3 years of therapy with a Godless Episcopal pastor to get my head out of my bottomless spiral into hell. When the emotional and spiritual pain from their brow beatings became too much to bear, back around January 1978, the fundies washed their hand of me as a lost cause to Satan; my will was too strong and I was too lost in sin to redeem, in other words Satan made me go nuts. The kindly Anglican priest ministered to me on the true nature of God and Christ, and told me to forget about the Falwell's and store front tent preachers, and to take my hopes and fears directly to Jesus, and ask him to reveal who he really was, focus on his works with the poor of body and spirit, his healing, compassion and forgiveness.

The funny thing about this crew was how they kept pushing me to swim a few laps in the baptismal pool of their churches, that everything else was just a cheap imitation of true Christianity.

Of course the people of the old time "fire-n-brimstone" hour insisted that I was following a false Gospel, watered down by Godless demonic heretics. I came to see them for who they were, latter day Pharisees. For a long time I didn't pray at all, but sobriety fired up a spiritual thirst for help, and I believe that God reached down and pulled me out of a lot of my troubles at the time. He also lead me to some of the kindest, most loving and understanding Christians I had ever met; I wonder where they all are today.

For the longest time I was able to put the rantings of the religious far right behind me, but during the past couple of years, they have become a roaring voice out of the wilderness, a dream that they have held for years. I just cannot stop wondering how many of God's laws the neo conservative, far right actually keep themselves.

I'm not good at quoting scripture, but Jesus himself warned that not everyone who claims they act on his behalf will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I wonder how he feels about the countless jihads and crusades, wars that have been waged in his name, by political leaders who hide behind a desk and a book, claiming that they are personally anointed by God. How does God feel about the extremist zealots who have killed millions and ruined the lives of countless others by their actions, and profit $$$ richly in the process. How will God judge the rich and powerful, who claim Christ as their Savior. How will he look upon the run of the mill homosexual, drug addict who found the reality imposed on them too painful to bear so they zoned out, the multitude unjustly put in prison to satiate the ego of some law maker, the poor, the shat upon, the downsized and destitute guy who robs a convenience store to feed his family, the terminally ill patient who has run out of money and hope, so finds no other way out of the pain but to commit suicide, the racial minorities, plus the many others who just don't matter at all to the rich, powerful and comfortable.

I've found it very difficult to believe in a kind and loving God, a Jesus, who is champion to the under dog. I've confessed to the almighty that right now I find it hard to believe in him as real, but still ask Jesus, if he's truly alive and well and everything that my earlier Christian mentors claimed, that he reach down and hold my hand through all this; the world is spinning too fast right now. Right now he seems so far far away.

Last night I watched the second DVD "Extra Features" that came with "Bowling For Columbine". After watching the second disk, I feel it's almost as important as the movie itself. For those of us who are Michael Moore fans, this movie delivers; it made me laugh, it made me cry, it made me angry and it made me think. I urge those of you who purchase or rent "Bowling For Columbine" to watch, and pay attention to the interviews on disk 2.

There was an appearance by Michael in Denver, 6 months after the movie was made. One of his most powerful statements (to me) was when he asked Mr. Bush, Cheney, Ashcroft and all, who is the God that they invoke. I know from reading everything I have been able to get my hands on that Moore grew up Catholic. He then said that the God he grew up with warned us that we would be judged by how we treated the least among us. He also made reference to Jesus' statement that it would be easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. For all of the vilification (a lot unjustified) that Catholics have endured, it has usually been Catholic priests and nuns who have sounded off the loudest against war, injustice and inhumanity.

In the movie "Jack The Bear", John Leary (played by Danny DeVito) is asked by his sons and the neighborhood kids if there are a such thing as monsters. His reply was along the line that there are no such thing as monsters, they only exist in our hearts.

There's a lot more I want to say regarding religion and spiritual matters, but I'll keep mum for now. I will end the August flight recorder at this point with some articles I've pulled from various news sites, some funny, some scary. Have a safe and sane Labor Day weekend. May God look out for and watch over us all (the little people in particular). I also pray for my country (the US of A), that she survive this period of crisis and come out of it as our forefathers and God intended, may justice be served and we once again become ;a land and people that the rest of the world look up to.

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Shalom, Ray