Now There's Sodomex

"The gays are straight,
and the straights are queer.
and the bi's just call everybody dear.
You know a thrill's a thrill,
even in paradise."
-Long John hem

Even I'm beginning to tire over all the controversy surrounding the entire gay marriage issue. Why is it that Americans would rather hear about titillating manufactured scandals than face the real issues. Geeze, we were treated to the O.J. Simpson drama as it unfolded 24x7, the never ending Michael Jackson saga, Martha's trials, Bill Clinton's cock. The masses get worked up over these issues rather than direct their rage at the band of amoral thugs that have stolen our country.

I look at it this way, gummint should keep it's nose and eyes out of people's bedrooms, period! Marriage should not be some government mandated norm, but a contract between two people who truly love one another and want to spend the rest of their days in this lunatic asylum we call Earth as partners in crime.

I was recently reading a letter from a Bartcop reader entitled the Truth About Homosexuality. Thankfully Bart is on the side of sanity, but this reader letter got me dredge up an unfinished journal on the Gay Issue, which will come in a later Area51 posting. The reader stated in their letter that homosexuality is being reinstated as a serious mental illness. I remember when homosexuality was removed from the APA's list of deadly emotional sins during the early 70's. Now we're taking a giant step backward. What will come next during Bush's second term; public stonings? burning witches at the stake? lynching blacks? boiling heretics in oil? back alley coat hangar abortions? mandatory incarceration and/or execution of gays and people with HIV? I would not put anything past these wingnuts, including orchestrating another 9-11 or even an invasion from Mars.

Well I'm going to cash in on the American entrepreneurial dream, put a team of experts together to introduce a new "wonder drug." It seems that each day another new acronym is added to the growing list of manufactured maladies, ADD, HIV, OCD, SAD, ADHD, CIA, FBI, GOP. And now a brand new illness joins the list SSAD, Same Sex Attraction Disorder. Since homosexuality has become such a hot topic, while the Christian right claims that homosexuals are fleeing the lifestyle like rats abandoning a sinking ship, I've decided to cash in on the next hot trend. I already have rough drafts for the magazine and television ad copy....so here it is.

"Mengela Pharmaceuticals announces a major breakthrough."

Millions of men and women needlessly suffer from the embarrassment of SSAD, Same Sex Attraction Disorder. They have tried electro shock therapy, full immersion baptism, self mutilation faux marriage with members of the opposite sex and suicide in desperate attempts to escape their condition.

Now there is good news for these sufferers from Mengela Pharmaceuticals in the form of a small pink capsule called "Sodomex"

There is currently no cure for SSAD, 10 Sodomex capsules taken every four hours daily will totally eliminate the major symptoms from the heartbreak of this tragic condition.

Sodomex is not for everyone, so ask your doctor if Sodomex is right for you.

Some, but not all of the possible side effects that have been reported from using this medication are; stigmata, talking in tongues, hearing voices, having visions, proselytizing on street corners, baptizing family pets, beating up homosexuals and voting Republican. These side effects are normal and will increase over time as you continue treatment with Sodomex.

Sodomex can be taken with or without food, but should never be taken while eating quiche, eggs benedict or attending a brunch or dinner party among homosexuals. Sodomex should also not be taken with imported bottled mineral water.

Drug interactions and warnings: People taking Viagra or recreational drugs such as ecstasy or inhaled nitrates should avoid these drugs while taking Sodomex, as they can inhibit it's therapeutic value.

Men taking Sodomex should avoid viewing any form of male pornography during the course of treatment. During Phase 1 and 2 trials, some experienced cerebral hemorrhaging, seizures and death after viewing homosexual pornography while taking Sodomex. They should also refrain from watching TV programs such as "Will and Grace" or "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"

Some people could also exhibit one or more of the following symptoms while taking Sodomex; suicidal thoughts, hallucinations, racing pulse, nausea and vomiting while in the presence of homosexuals, violent outbursts, self mutilation and rape among others. These side effects are also normal and will increase over time.

Until there's a cure, there's "Sodomex", salvation in a bottle. Talk to your doctor today about the benefits of taking Sodomex. Join countless others who have become a normal part of the neo conservative theocratic movement.