Shadowlands - Net Jokes Volume 1
authors unknown - May 1999
This is the first volume of net jokes that friends have e-mailed me and I have downloaded into this file. I don't know where they originated but most are funny, cute and at least worth a few chuckles. Some are based on true stories.....enjoy!
Techie words of wisdom
- Home is where you hang your @.
- The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.
- A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.
- You can't teach a new mouse old clicks.
- Great groups from little icons grow.
- Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.
- C:\ is the root of all directories.
- Don't put all your hypes in one home page.
- Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.
- The modem is the message.
- Too many clicks spoil the browse.
- The geek shall inherit the earth.
- A chat has nine lives.
- Don't byte off more than you can view.
- Fax is stranger than fiction.
- What boots up must come down.
- Windows will never cease.
- Virtual reality is its own reward.
- Modulation in all things.
- A user and his leisure time are soon parted. 21. There's no place like home.com.
- Know what to expect before you connect.
- Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.
- Speed thrills.
- Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won't bother you for weeks.
"Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok"
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"Man who farts in church sits in own pew."
"Man who jumps from tall building, jumps to conclusion'.
"Crowded elevator smells different to midget".
George Carlin Witticisms
- Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
- One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
- Atheism is a nonprophet organization.
- If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
- The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
- I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
- Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
- If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
- If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
- If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
- Is there another word for synonym?
- Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
- Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"
- What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
- Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
- Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
- If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
- Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
- Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
- If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
- Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?
- How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
- Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny
- What was the best thing before sliced bread?
- I'm not schizophrenic. You only think we are
Bill Gates meets God.
AND GOD SAID...
"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Bill replied, "Well, thanks, God. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly if it will help you make a decision."
"Fine, but where should I go first?"
God said, "I'm going to leave that up to you."
Bill said, "OK, then, let's try Hell first." So Bill went to Hell.
It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining and the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.
"This is great!" he told God, "If this is Hell, I REALLY want to see Heaven!"
"Fine," said God and off they went.
Heaven was a high place in the clouds, with angels drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice but not as enticing as Hell.
Bill thought for a quick minute and rendered his decision. "Hmm, I think I prefer Hell" he told God.
"Fine," retorted God, "as you desire."
So,Bill Gates went to Hell. Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When God arrived in Hell, he found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming amongst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How's everything going, Bill?" God asked.
Bill responded - his voice full of anguish and disappointment, "This is awful, this is not what I expected. I can't believe this happened. What happened to that other place with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
AND GOD SAID, "That was the screen saver".
Tomorrow's leaders, stand aside Dan Quayle :-)
This is a compilation of actual student GCSE Exam answers...
- Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and travelled by Camel. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
- The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
- Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
- Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
- The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
- Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
- Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
- In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
- Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
- Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
- Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
- Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
- In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
- Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
- Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
- It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
- The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
- Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
- During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
- Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
- One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand.". Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
- Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
- Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
- Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
- Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
- Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
- The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
- The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
- Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
- The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
- Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
- The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
Have you ever noticed.... Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't. So I grew hair under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. - Carol Leifer
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries." The guy at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay Leno
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. - Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. - George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it and put it on a hanger. Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
I think it's so ridiculous when someone walks through a grocery store meat Dept. and says thats some good looking hamburger. Well they would'nt think so, if they saw it as a cow first. - Renee' Jordan Reghetti
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same. - Oscar Wilde
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. - A. Whitney Brown
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant's life, she will choose to save the infant's life without even considering if there is a man on base. - Dave Barry
Suppose you were an idiot...And suppose you were a member of Congress...But I repeat myself. - MarkTwain
Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. - Jim Carrey
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, "Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." - Paula Poundstone
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. - Jeff Stilson
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. - Sue Murphy
I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else. - Lily Tomlin
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. A pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow learner. - Lynda Montgomery
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on me? - Marilyn Pittman
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? - Lily Tomlin
When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family? - Robin Williams
True travel agent stories...
Subject: Travel Agent True Stories !
WHY AMERICANS SHOULD NEVER BE ALLOWED TO TRAVEL The following are actual stories provided by travel agents: I had someone ask for an aisle seat so that their hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.
A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"
I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.
A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."
I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."
Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay-over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!
A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" ( I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.
I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them.
"A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."
A business man called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."
A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"
For lack of better proof reading.
Actual Newspaper headlines:
Something Went Wrong In Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign To Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months In Violin Case (better than a term in the pen?)
Survivor Of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal To Pope
Panda Mating Fails: Veterinarian Takes Over (clearly a bear for punishment)
British Left Waffles On Falkland Islands
Lung Cancer In Women Mushrooms
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins On Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax (hell hath no fury like a bovine horned)
Plane Too Close To Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work After Death
Juvenile Court To Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found By Tree (must have been a privet eye)
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited After 18 Years In Checkout Counter (I've been in supermarkets like that!)
Killer Sentenced To Die For Second Time In 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in '84
War Dims Hope For Peace
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked To Temperatures
Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Deer Kill 17,000
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge (oh my, I hope he does a volt(e)-face and pleads guilty)
New Study Of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame For Gas In Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart Into Helping Needy
Arson Suspect Is Held In Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarves In Short Supply
Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
Local High School Dropouts Cut In Half
New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Old School Pillars are Replaced By Alumni
Bank Drive-In Window Blocked By Board
Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training
Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
God gives Adam a couple of gifts.
One day God came to Adam to pass on some news. "I've got some good news and some bad news," God said. Adam looked at God and said, "Well, give me the good news first."
Smiling, God explained, "I've got two new organs for you. One is called a brain. It will allow you to be very intelligent, create new things, and have intelligent conversations with Eve.
The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that. you now have this organ to give her children."
Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me.
What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"
God looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "The bad news is that I only gave you enough blood to operate one of these organs at a time."
Work vs Prison, which is worse?
In Prison...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell. At Work...You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
In Prison...You get three meals a day. At Work...You only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
In Prison...You get time off for good behavior. At Work...You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In Prison...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. At Work...You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
In Prison...You can watch TV and play games. At Work...You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In Prison...You get your own toilet. At Work...You have to share.
In Prison...They allow your family and friends to visit. At Work...You can not even speak to your family and friends.
In Prison...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. At Work...You get to pay all the expenses to go to work then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In Prison...You spend most of your time looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. At Work...You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
In Prison...There are wardens who are often sadistic. At Work...They are called supervisors.
In Prison...You have unlimited time to read e-mail jokes. At Work...You get fired if you get caught!