Shadowlands - Net Jokes Volume II
Original authors unknown - May 2000This is the second volume of net jokes that friends have e-mailed me and I have downloaded into this file. I don't know where they originated but most are funny, cute and at least worth a few chuckles. Some are based on true stories.....enjoy!
A new penis tax
***ANNOUNCEMENT - NEW TAX LAW***
The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time it is pissed off and 10% of the time it's in the hole. It has two dependents, but they're nuts.
Effective January 1, 2000, penises will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows:
10"-12" Luxury Tax
8"-10" Pole Tax
5"-8" Privilege Tax
4"-5" Nuisance Tax
Males exceeding 12" must file under capital gains. Anyone under 4" is eligible for a refund.
***PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!***
Issues still under consideration are as follows:
Are there penalties for early withdrawal? Do multiple partners count as a corporation? Are condoms deductible as work clothes?
A Heavenly Tech
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rattled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the Underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated! How did he do it?"
God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
Humor they say, words of wisdom?
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I am in shape. Round's a shape.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. "You know a cow was murdered for that jacket"? she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, "I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
Future historians will be able to study at the Gerald Ford Library; the Jimmy Carter Library; the Ronald Reagan Library and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
Great lines from job evaluations:
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won't be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn't watching.
12. A room temperature IQ.
13. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
14. A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
15. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
16. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
17. Bright as Alaska in December.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
22. Has two brains: one is lost; the other is out looking for it.
23. He's so dense, light bends around him.
24. If brains were taxed, she'd get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'll get change.
27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
28. It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
29. One neuron short of a synapse.
30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 Minutes.
32. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
33. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
34. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.
A parody on Ex-Gay ministries.
C. A. S. H. - Christians Are Saving Homosexuals
Because at the end of every rainbow, there's C. A. S. H. . . . . . . .Hello, I'm Sister Betty Bowers, and I am the world's most perfect Christian. In fact, I am so close to our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, that I'm the only one with his famous "five loaves and two fishes" recipe. I am the brains behind CASH -- Christians Are Saving Homosexuals. CASH guarantees that it will turn even the swishiest, perverted pansy into an "Ex-Gay" suitable for marriage -- but even more important -- suitable for fundraising mailers and full-page ads in "Time" and "Newsweek."
CASH has only two goals:
[1] To turn people God has told us He despises anyway into profitable, attention-getting PUBLICITY MACHINES who will finally contribute to society and the economy by increasing Family Values fundraising and church tithings, and
[2] To provide artistic husbands to women who become flummoxed when arranging flowers, picking complementary fabrics for lining drapes, choosing furniture or throw pillows, or who have historically ruined otherwise suitable outfits by slipping on the wrong pair of shoes.
The CASH program is showing wonderful results! CASH is "turning the tithe" on these horribly arch homosexuals, teaching them that an ability to discern subtle differences between 2,700 shades of taupe cannot alone be effectively parlayed into a godly existence. And although it may win the approval of other haughty, shallow homosexuals here on earth, it will hardly impress St. Peter in heaven to be told: "Girl, if you think these gates are "pearly" you've done way too much shopping at outlets! I mean, HEL-LO? These are a touch more opalescent than pearly. Certainly, no pearls I'd wear!" CASH is leading these aesthetically-overloaded lost lambs back into the bosom of our Savior Jesus and is using a method as old as religion itself -- COERCIVE TORTURE. Sister Taffy Davenport, who is helping the CASH organization, said: "Sister Woman, I have to say, I just know the Holy Spirit is in the room with us watching each and every slide!" Sister Taffy was referring to the slides that she shows as part of CASH's treatment to lift the shackles of perversity off these hyper-groomed men. The therapy is ingenious! Sister Taffy shows a series of slides of graphic sexual acts to all these hairdresser/florist types. When a slide depicts two (sometimes more!!!!) men together, an electric current generated by Sister Taffy's vacuum cleaner is run through the men's genitalia. When the slides feature a normal Christian, married couple engaged in normal procreative activities, a score of girls from my Christian Crack Whore Ministries services each of the men as positive reinforcement.
Now, perhaps some of you parents out there are a wee bit concerned that your toddlers are on their way to becoming full-fledged fairies as they mature. Well, we at CASH also believe that it's never too soon to nip a potential perverted pansy in the bud. Our CASH for Kids program can help you determine now whether your little Dick or Jane is in danger of embracing the homosexual lifestyle.
Ask yourself these questions:
* Does little Bobby crawl out of his Baby Gap denim overalls, only to show up for feeding wearing a smart cashmere sweater set and a simple strand of pearls?
* When you take your 5-year-old son to look at the action figures at Toys-R-Us, does he gaze longingly at the "Special Edition Jean-Paul Gaultier Fabulous Manhattan Hostess Barbie," but scoffs, "How outré for evening, Mommy! And that cut is soooooo two seasons ago!
* When your 1-year-old boy first stands up, is it to perform a perfectly executed plié?
* Does 3-year-old Barbara convert her pink Barbie Townhouse into a Meineke Muffler franchise?
* Does your little girl eschew dainty lace for corduroy and rewire the electrical outlets on your porch?
* When you have dinner guests, does your 8-year-old boy climb out of his bunk-bed, slip into something sequined, and slink down the staircase regaling your guests with a heart-rending, coquettish version of "The Man Who Got Away" like a 4-foot, liquored-up Judy Garland?
* Does Daddy's Little Princess pass up tulle for tools?
* Does your 6-year-old son shriek in ghastly apoplexy until you agree to wear Prada to the parent/teacher meeting?
* Does your little boy keep throwing out all your silk floral arrangements while you are sleeping and calling reputable florists to have everything replaced with impeccably chosen exotic blooms that are new to you, but he knows by name and scent?
* When your little daughter utters her first word, does she talk like a sailor?
* Does your little boy complain that your pumps are sporting "last season's heel," that you look "too off-the-rack" or sneer that "not even 'housefraus' in Nebraska are wearing that tired Ralph Lauren fragrance anymore"?
* When cleaning out from under your little girl's bed, do you invariably find long-neck beer bottles and blue chalk for pool cues?
* When you walk into the room wearing a new dress, does your husband barely notice, but your 7-year-old son breathlessly exclaim: "Chartreuse and aubergine! To-die-for, Mommy!"
* When you take your children to Blockbuster, does your little girl cry if you don't rent "Personal Best" or does your little boy try to shoplift the wide-screen version of "Funny Girl"?
If you've answered YES to any of the above questions, your willful child has made the choice to embrace an ungodly homosexual lifestyle and is going straight to Hell. Your only hope is the CASH for Toddlers $40,000 Righteous Intervention Program. Sign up NOW!
If all your answers to the above questions were NO, Your child is very crafty in hiding his/her decision to embrace an ungodly homosexual lifestyle, but is probably going straight to Hell anyway as our Blessed Lord sees behind every closet door! Your only hope is CASH for Toddlers $40,000 Righteous Intervention Program. Sign up NOW!
From the U. U. Church Minister's Association-Humor List
Do Unnatural Acts Cause Natural Disasters?
Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Coalition, recently warned Orlando, Florida, that it was courting natural disaster by allowing gay pride flags to be flown along its streets. "A condition like this will bring about ... earthquakes, tornadoes, and possibly a meteor," he said, apparently referring to his belief that the presence of openly gay people incurs divine wrath and that God acts through geological and meteorological events to destroy municipalities that permit gay people the same civil liberties as others. (Robertson also warned Orlando about terrorist bombs, suggesting the possibility that God may also employ terrorists.)
Before Pat and his Christian cronies get too carried away promulgating the idea that natural disasters are prompted by people who displease God, they should take a hard look at the data. Take tornadoes. Every state (except Alaska) has them--some only one or two a year, dozens in others.
Gay people are in every state (even Alaska). According to Pat's hypothesis, there should be more gay people in states that have more tornadoes. But are there? Nope. In fact, there's no correlation at all between the number of gay folks (as estimated by the number of gay political organizations, support groups, bookstores, radio programs, and circuit parties) and the annual tornado count (r = .04, p = .78 for you statisticians). So much for the "God hates gays" theory.
God seems almost neutral on the subject of sexual orientation. I say "almost" because if we look at the density of gay groups relative to the population as a whole, there is a small but statistically significant (p< .05) correlation with the occurrence of tornadoes. And it's a negative correlation (r = -.28). For those of you who haven't used statistics since 1973, that means that a high concentration of gay organizations actually protects against tornadoes. A state with the population of, say, Alabama could avert two tornadoes a year merely by doubling the number of gay organizations in the state. (Tough choice for Alabama's civil defense strategists.)
Although God may not care about sexual orientation, the same cannot be said for religious affiliation. If the underlying tenet of Pat's postulate is true--that God wipes out offensive folks via natural disasters--then perhaps we can find some evidence of who's on God's hit list. Jews are off the hook here: there's no correlation between numbers of Jews and frequency of tornadoes. Ditto for Catholics. But when it comes to Protestants, there's a highly significant correlation of .71.
This means that fully half the state-to-state variation in tornado frequency can be accounted for by the presence of Protestants. And the chance that this association is merely coincidental is only one in 10,000.
Protestants, of course, come in many flavors --- we were able to find statistics for Lutherans, Methodists, Baptists, and Other. Lutherans don't seem to be a problem--no correlation with tornadoes. There's a modest correlation (r = .52, p = .0001) between Methodists and tornadoes.
But Baptists and Others share the prize: both groups show a definite correlation with tornado frequency (r = .68, p = .0001). This means that Texas could cut its average of 139 tornadoes per year in half by sending a few hundred thousand Baptists elsewhere (Alaska maybe?).
What, you are probably asking yourself, about gay Protestants? An examination of the numbers of gay religious groups (mostly Protestant) reveals no significant relationship with tornadoes. Perhaps even Protestants are less repugnant to God if they're gay. And that brings up another point--the futility of trying to save the world by getting gay people to accept Jesus. It looks from our numbers like the frequency of natural disasters could be more effectively reduced by encouraging Protestants to be gay.
Gay people have been falsely blamed for disasters ever since Sodom was destroyed by fire and brimstone (we have been unable to find any statistics on disasters involving brimstone). According to a reliable source, the destruction of Sodom was indeed an act of God (see Genesis 19:13) and was perpetrated because the citizens thereof were, according to the same source (see Ezekiel 16:49-50), "arrogant, overfed and unconcerned [and] did not help the poor and needy"--not because they were gay. Now Pat would have us believe that gays are the cause of tornadoes (as well as earthquakes, meteors, and even terrorist bombs) in utter disregard for evidence showing that Baptists are much more likely to cause them.
I say "Kudos!" to Orlando. Despite Robertson's warning that Orlando is "right in the way of some serious hurricanes" (hardly a revelation), note that it was not struck by the very destructive Hurricane Andrew a few years ago. And amid the recent conflagrations (that's fires) in central Florida, which occurred just after Pat sounded his alarm, Orlando was spared. Keep those flags waving!
As any statistician will tell you, of course, correlation doesn't prove causation. Protestants causing tornadoes by angering God isn't the only explanation for these data. It could be that Baptists and Other Protestants purposely flock to states that have lots of tornadoes (no, we haven't checked for a correlation between IQ and religious affiliation).
But if Pat and his Christian crew insist that natural disasters are brought on by people who offend God, let the data show who those people are.
A Second medical opinion
A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettable, is dead.
The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.
The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."
The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.
The vet brings in a black labrador. The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."
The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.
The vet answers, "$650.
"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaimed the man....
"Well," the vet replies, "My part was only $50 but you wanted a cat scan and a lab test"
Never fool around with a Little old lady:
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl, "Nothing but the best for my little kitten."
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas.
The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.
She was then given the dog cookies.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole.
The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there."
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Klingon Programmers
Top 12 Statements you are likely to hear from a Klingon Programmer:
12) "Specifications are for the weak and timid!"
11) "This machine is a piece of GAGH! I need dual Pentium processors if I am to do battle with this code!"
10) "You cannot really appreciate Dilbert unless you've read it in the original Klingon."
9) "Indentation?! - I will show you how to indent when I indent your skull!"
8) "What is this talk of 'release'? Klingons do not make software 'releases'. Our software 'escapes' leaving a bloody trail of designers and quality assurance people in it's wake."
7) "Klingon function calls do not have 'parameters' - they have 'arguments' -- and they ALWAYS WIN THEM."
6) "Debugging? Klingons do not debug. Our software does not coddle the weak."
5) "I have challenged the entire quality assurance team to a Bat-Leth contest. They will not concern us again."
4) "A TRUE Klingon Warrior does not comment his code!"
3) "By filing this PTR you have challenged the honor of my family. Prepare to die!"
2) "You question the worthiness of my code? I should kill you where you stand!"
1) "Our users will know fear and cower before our software! Ship it! Ship it and let them flee like the dogs they are!"
More to come later....
Cheers, ray