A suggestion to reduce the effects of cows and sheep on the global climate by taxing their flatulence (no, we are not making this up) has been dropped by the government of New Zealand. The government is apparently pushing instead for research into bovine digestion and pasture composition. OK, so this isn't really all that scientific, but it was too good to pass up on once we'd got wind of it.

ref: Nature, May 31, 2001.

It's a classic urban legend that alligators roam the sewers of New York City, but there was nothing mythical about the creature dwelling in Central Park this week.

The 2-foot-long reptile was first spotted last Saturday in the Harlem Meer, a scenic lake on the park's northern tip. TV cameras recorded it surfacing Wednesday night. Yesterday, a professional gator wrestler from Florida arrived in town to hunt the creature down. Last night, he and his wife caught it with a flashlight, a canoe, and their bare hands.

The reptile, on close inspection, turned out to be a caiman, a member of the crocodile family. Where it came from, nobody knows.

Michael Bailey, the wildlife specialist who found it last night with his wife, Tina, speculated that it was brought to the city illegally as a pet, then tossed into the lake when it started to grow. He said the caiman was about two years old. […

She drives an electric car. She's MIT "cubed," which means that she holds every degree right up to Ph.D. from the university of deep geekdom. She's married to a rocket scientist. She once sued Kozmo.com for spamming her and won $50 in small claims court. When she was 11 years old, she ran electricity through her braces.

I don't care if you are Richard Stallman himself, I defy you to claim that you are geekier than Ellen Spertus, a computer scientist at Mills College who last night was crowned the sexiest geek alive at a pageant at the San Jose Convention Center.

This Thursday something strange will happen in parts of southern Africa. For nearly four minutes a curious twilight will descend where the afternoon Sun normally beats down bright and hot. Nocturnal animals like bats, owls and astronomers will suddenly become active as the New Moon passes in front of the Sun blocking out our star's fiery disk.

It's the first total solar eclipse of the new millennium and the only one this year.

[…] Attleboro District Court Judge Francis T. Crimmins Jr. on Tuesday threw out evidence police obtained after Davis was arrested in a hallway outside the party. Lawyers for Davis had argued that police didn't have the right to enter the premises Davis had rented, and did not read Davis and Reed their rights before questioning them.

Crimmins' decision leaves police with no evidence in the Reed case except any statements made by the alleged victim, Ferris said. The alleged victim has refused to cooperate, he said.

"Her reluctance or refusal to cooperate or testify would make it impossible to prosecute on that matter," Ferris told the Sun Chronicle of Attleboro. […]

WHITEHOUSE STATION, NJ--The hiring of Adam Dwyer by Merck Pharmaceutical was described Monday by CEO James Dwyer as "tremendously synergistic." "With his impressive range of experiences, including one and a half years of bartending and four years of heavy pharmaceutical use at the University of Delaware, Adam brings a lot to the table," Dwyer said of his nephew. "We, in turn, can help Adam earn $220,000 a year as vice-president of corporate communications for the Mid-Atlantic region."

At Babiesrus the other day I saw a playpen done in cheery pastels with animal squiggles - and I'd have bought it, were it not a member of the fargin' JOHN LENNON CHILDREN'S LINE. Look. The Beatles were a fine band. Some talented lads. I'm sorry Mr. Lennon met a tragic horrible end - but enough about Yoko. I just don't subscribe to the notion that he was the Genius of the Age, or that his napkin squiggles are anything more than clever doodles, or that there's some sort of ethical nimbus of Lennony goodness floating over his work.

On June 7, four hackers released a software program that threatens to do for TV shows what Napster did for music and DivX may do for movies. The code, called ExtractStream, allows users of TiVo digital video recorders to move compressed copies of television shows from their beloved TiVo boxes into their computers, and beyond.

Like many hackers, the programmers saw their unauthorized exploit as a boon to society. "Even though TiVo, understandably, can't admit it," says one member of the group who asked to remain anonymous, "this code's good for everybody."

What are the truly fashionable wearing to the prom this spring? The answer could win a $2,500 scholarship

AVON, Ohio, March 7, 2001 -- Fashion forecasters are predicting a unique 2001 prom season. Bright colors and metallic hues are the rage, while a focus on budgets and money-saving are also popular. The makers of Duck® brand duct tape have a contest that is perfect for the couple who wants to be both stylish and frugal: a Duct Tape Prom.

Each member of one lucky couple will win a $2,500 scholarship for college just for attending their high school prom. What's the catch? They have to stick together and attend prom wearing clothing made from duct tape…

Just quickly, how many Bond films have you signed for? Are you going to play Q?

Jones: Not a Python question. Don't think we can allow it.

Cleese: We should have done a Python film about Bond.

Jones: Yes, it's a very stupid concept, really.

Cleese: Who would have played Bond?

Jones: It's obvious -- Graham Chapman.

Cleese: And he's dead. That's why we can't do it. What was the question?

Hi there. I am the Big Bad Chinese Mama. As you can tell, I am a sweet and lovely lotus blossom. Why, just look at me. Aren't I the most delicate thing you have ever seen? This is my mail order bride website. This is just like many sites you have seen before but better. Why is it better? Because I have gathered lovely "Oriental Creatures" from all over America, who are just as sweet and pretty as me. They will show you just how demure Asian women REALLY are.

These women know how to treat a perverse Western gentleman like yourself. (In fact, they will give you such quality treatment that you might find yourself screaming and running to tell your friends or local law enforcement about how their "Ancient Ass Kicking Technique" took you by storm.)

The next edition of The Oxford English Dictionary will include a phrase made famous by Fox Television's Homer Simpson of the animated series "The Simpsons," according the dictionary's online edition June 14, 2001. "Doh!" is defined as "expressing frustration at the realization that things have turned out badly or not as planned or that one has just said or done something foolish. Also implying another person has said or done something foolish."

Gemini: (May 21--June 21)
A cake, some candles, and a few token gifts will soon mark your passage into an exciting new demographic.

Cancer: (June 22--July 22)
Though you're getting pretty good at interpreting your dreams, you're still piss-poor at interpreting things that happen when you're awake.

Pisces: (Feb. 19--March 20)
It turns out that intellectual awareness of the consequences of putting your hand in a meat grinder is very different from the actual experience.

Anyway: Let's all welcome the newest invention of Backfence Labs: U-Fot, the antitofu! Contains 100 percent beef without the distracting beef flavor. Use as you would tofu -- and we don't mean keep a slimy brick in the back for when your "weird" friends come over. It's great for salads -- just throw it on the wheel, shape, bake in a kiln and use as the bowl for delicious greens. Fried and crumbled, it can be used in any recipe that calls for "dirt," or "mercy." Put it in a blender for a delicious MeatShake™ or Beef Smoothie. U-Fot: It's the other off-white meat.

Canned 'Godzilla meat' going on sale in Japan

By Associated Press, 6/12/2001 07:41

TOKYO (AP) Japan's best-known monster, Godzilla, is coming to stores soon canned.

''Godzilla Meat,'' actually 3.5 ounces of corned beef from Tokyo toy maker Takara Co., is packaged with pictures of the stomping, fire-breathing, irradiated dinosaur made famous by Toho movies that started coming out in the 1950s.

''People can eat Godzilla and become energetic and powerful. It's got dreams mixed in with fun,'' Takara spokeswoman Yoko Watanabe said Tuesday. ''It's like Popeye and his can of spinach.''

The cans, slated to appear in Japanese stores in October, will sell for $4.75, Takara said.

There are no plans so far to export Godzilla Meat, according to Takara, the maker of the Transformers toys.

Also planned for sale in Japan this fall are Godzilla Eggs, a can of about 15 quail eggs, and Radon [sic] Meat, canned barbecued chicken named after the winged monster.

Takara also plans to sell King Ghidora Meat, but buyers will find the taste of the three-headed dragonlike creature suspiciously like Godzilla Meat-- it's the same corned beef inside.

For the past two and half years, the 1940s-era Edgemere has been owned by chef Stefan Chios, formerly of the Struck Café. Chios grew up in restaurants owned by his father (most locally notable, the Brookfield House) and got his training at the Culinary Institute of America (CIA). During the week he's usually behind the grill at the Edgemere, flipping burgers, and frying eggs. But on weekends, he showcases his culinary training with food that's fun and fanciful.

"Now that I'm the former editor, what may happen with Roadside is anyone's guess. But I have a few ideas.

To hear the whole Roadside Saga since I sold it and was fired from it, meet me for a good old fashioned (ex)Roadside Day!

I'm going to be there for dinner with couple of former Roadside staffers, and I'd love to reconnect with all the great people who helped support the magazine from its humble beginnings. I'm not there to lament any loss. I'd like to have fun, have a good meal, and discuss future plans. See you there!"

Where: Deluxe Town Diner, 627 Mt. Auburn Street, Watertown, MA, tel: 617.926.8400
When: 6:00 P.M. to 9 P.M., Wednesday June 27
What: Meet and eat, and learn all about what¹s happened with Roadside, and support one fine diner in the Boston area. This is a casual gathering of concerned Roadside readers.

Seen at a New York Yankees game earlier this week on a package of peanuts in the shell in quite large type: "Allergy caution: This product was manufactured in a facility that processes peanuts and other nuts." Sigh.

There are lots of Hidlers out there, as well as Hittlers, and there's a town in Germany named Hilter, believe it or not. The name goes back centuries, so one can understand why they don't change it. The annoyance is probably small -- one or two disappointed dyslexic skinheads a year, probably. In any case, Ian Kershaw's monumental biography of Hitler called, naturally, "Hitler," said:

The names "Hiedler, Hietler, Huttler, Hutler and Hitler" -- which, if I may interject, sounds like hell's top law firm, or what the world's meanest quarterback uses as signals -- "occur interchangeably in documents of the early and mid-19th century and were phonetically scarcely distinguishable."

This is proof that everyone in Germany was half in the bag, and slurred their names. By 5 o'clock, half the nation answered to Hllr.

Considering the nature of their recent behavior, are the Bush girls fair game for the media now?

Well, I think that he is. I will point out that Chelsea Clinton, in the eight years her father was president, didn't get arrested once. The problem with Jenna is that it's been twice in four months. A third time -- it's three strikes and you're out in Texas -- and they'll have to execute her. Bad. […]

What's your favorite Bushism to date?

Of course, my favorite is, "I don't mind being misunderestimated." […]

This past April, Barbra Streisand issued a memo essentially calling Democratic leaders a bunch of weak-willed wussies. Do you agree with her assessment of the current party?

You know, I think Hollywood celebrities have a big role to play. For example, on the environment, not too many people realize this, but Hollywood celebrities make up just 0000000000.1 percent of the world's population ... and yet consume nearly 36 percent of its resources. Seventeen acres of rain forest are consumed every day by Barbra Streisand alone.

Whenever the author's sister Amy, the Sedaris family's other professional wiseacre, appears, she shanghais the book. Exiting a crowded el train in Chicago, she yells back to her brother, still jammed on board, "So long, David. Good luck beating that rape charge." Obviously the humor thing is subjective, but at this point I discovered that an explosion of mirth can propel a half-sucked Life Saver 10 feet.

"Ellis Island," a Bruckheimer/Bay Production

Before ultimately choosing pyrotechnic-friendly "Pearl Harbor," the producer-director team of Jerry Bruckheimer and Michael Bay toyed with the idea of setting a sudsy, jingoistic piece of hokum against the backdrop of Ellis Island -- New York's landmark welcoming center for immigrants in the early 1900s. Based on confidential story ideas and script excerpts leaked over the Internet, the romantic actioner -- budgeted at $300 million -- was set to star Brad Pitt as Sol Moscowitz, a widowered Holocaust survivor from Poland who comes to America with the dream of owning his own pierogi shop. During the boat ride over, Sol gets seasick and throws up on the sandals of a spunky, ruby-haired lass named Molly O'Monahan (Sandra Bullock), vomiting his way into her heart. The two lovebirds wind up opening the most popular nosh shop on the Bowery and quickly find themselves targeted for extortion by a ruthless Italian hoodlum known by the sobriquet "The Godfather" (Robert DeNiro).

Bruckheimer and Bay have received no shortage of flak for the historical inaccuracies in "Pearl Harbor," but nothing compares to the trouncing they got from Disney suits over the liberties taken with their depiction of immigrant life (the screenplay actually describes the Lower East Side as "an urban Xanadu with a Starbucks on every corner"). In probably the most gratuitous sequence, an all-out war breaks out between Manhattan and New Jersey over control of Ellis Island, leaving both states in ruins by the end of the picture.

In a recent interview with Charlie Rose, Bruckheimer addressed the criticism levied at his ill-conceived undertaking: "When creating a project of that scope and magnitude some details are bound to get lost in the translation."