Aquarius: (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
The psychologists running the tests are repulsed by the strength of your attraction to the wire mother.

Libra: (Sept. 23-Oct. 23)
You will be banned from the nation's highways after catastrophically failing your federally mandated crash test..

Sagittarius: (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
Your remarkable talent for procrastination will result in your winning the Nobel Prize For Literature Thrown Together At The Very Last Possible Minute.

How do the consoles differ from each other?

Unlike previous generations where the differences were simple and easy to articulate, such as "Mortal Kombat on the Genesis gots more blood," the differences among these machines involve pushing polygons, bump mapping, and other phrases that sound like excerpts from "Debbie Does Flatland." The actual effect this has on the screen is subtle and often difficult to see, which is why each machine is now bundled with a rabid fan of the system recruited from various discussion boards around the Web. This fan will stand over your shoulder and point out reasons your machine completely rocks over the competition. They will also make disappointed noises and roll their eyes whenever you fail to play the games at optimal efficiency, but that's the price you pay for progress.

Which Evil Criminal are You?

"The Tick is a work in stupid. Just as others may choose clay or stone or paint, I and my compatriots have chosen stupidity as our medium. But stupid must be worked and mastered like any other material; during this experimental stage, the viewer of the work may feel he or she is observing "perceptiveness" or "art." This is simply an illusion."

Re: Where's American Maid? (Score:3, Informative)
by fred3666 on Tuesday November 27, @12:17PM (#2619713)

> Why did they change the name to Captain Liberty?

The live action Tick only has copyright access to characters that appeared in the comic book. Since American Maid appeared only in the cartoon she is not eligable [sic] for the live show.

One of the saddest things that can happen to a good bottle of beer is that it gets ''skunky'' - it acquires a smell and taste that come from chemicals called skunky thiols, produced when light breaks up substances from hops. Now Malcolm Forbes of the University of North Carolina in Chapel Hill, Denis De Keukeleire at Ghent University in Belgium, and their colleagues have made a detailed study of just what happens when the skunkiness begins. Armed with a detailed understanding of just how hop isohumulones break down when exposed to light, the researchers hope chemistry will find suitable additives to stop the process. At present the only ways around it are to use dark bottles for beer or use chemically modified hop extracts that don't go skunky but that taste different.

ref.: New Scientist, October 27, and Chemistry - A European Journal, No. 21, November.

An Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie (AFDB) is a type of headwear that can shield your brain from most electromagnetic psychotronic mind control carriers. AFDBs are inexpensive (even free if you don't mind scrounging for thrown-out aluminium foil) and can be constructed by anyone with at least the dexterity of a chimp (maybe bonobo). This cheap and unobtrusive form of mind control protection offers real security to the masses. Not only do they protect against incoming signals, but they also block most forms of brain scanning and mind reading, keeping the secrets in your head truly secret. AFDBs are safe and operate automatically. All you do is make it and wear it and you're good to go! Plus, AFDBs are stylish and comfortable.

What are you waiting for? Make one today!

Top 10 Signals

As reported by MindGuard users. NOTE: Do not read this list without MindGuard running.

1. LET THE BLACK HELICOPTERS LAND
2. WINDOWS XP IS SEXY
3. DON'T USE MINDGUARD
4. DIAMONDS = LOVE
5. THERE IS NO CABAL
6. SMELL OF JOHN ASHCROFT
7. RED HAT IS LINUX, LINUX IS RED HAT
8. FREE GREENLAND!
9. YOU FIND TRADE TARIFFS STRANGELY EROTIC
10. LINUS TORVALDS PETTING CUTE KITTENS

As a recent arrival in this country, I received a phone call yesterday from Tom Ridge, the Director of Homeland Security, asking me about any previous dealings I may have had with Osama bin Laden. It's all a part of Attorney General John Ashcroft's way of adding a personal, cuddly touch to the racial and ethnic profiling he's mandated. Sort of like Hitler wearing pyjamas with feet.

I told Ridge about the last time I saw Osama.

- o -

Vegas baby, Vegas!

- o -

Osama and I go way back. Way, way back. Back even before the last time he hated the U.S. before they trained him and gave him money and then he liked them and now he hates them again. We've never been particularly close, mostly because of the religious differences (he's an Extreme Fundamentalist Muslim, whereas I think women are human beings). But still, he calls me every time he's in town, we hang. […]

Just the other day at the store I took the following foodstuffs from nice demonstrator-ladies: a hunk of incinerated buffalo (Suggested slogan: "Tired of that ol' fashioned good-tastin' meat? Try buffalo!"); a piece of salmon so tender it screamed when pierced with a toothpick; a cup of juice (one of Dole's new Blended Blends blends, which combine orange-guava-banana with strawberry-orange-pineapple, resulting in a flavor we call oraguaba-strawge pine!); a Mexican dish called Al-Qaesadilla, which didn't sit well, and a slice of Red Baron pizza. I always want them to explain the connection between an Italian foodstuff and a Prussian aviator. They never do. It's as ridiculous as Goering Spring Rolls or Juan Peron Vindaloo Pierogies. […]

Redmond, Wash. (SatireWire.com) - Microsoft and the U.S. Justice Department Friday announced a settlement in their landmark anti-trust case that calls for the break up of Apple Computer, as both sides agreed Apple's history of "self-inflicted, anti-competitive" management practices is primarily to blame for turning Microsoft into an illegal monopoly.

"We had already won the case, so we were thinking in terms of penalties, and when you do that, it is imperative that you punish those most responsible," said Assistant U.S. Attorney General Charles James. "Well, we couldn't ignore that since its inception, Apple had numerous opportunities to dominate the operating system market, but instead, management incompetence and arrogance resulted in decisions that gave us the Microsoft we know today."

Networkthink lives somewhere in the vicinity of wackythink, which is far past the borders of sanitythink, wisdomthink, and logicthink. What exactly do net executives do in programming meetings - study the demographics of the bats in their own belfry? Or do they just get down to business and conspire to destroy their most promising TV shows? ''Ladies and gentlemen of the time slot committee, `The Tick' is delightful and original. Now let's bury it alive.''

"…like that's going to happen on network television."

deasil \DEE-zul\ (adverb):
     : clockwise

"'Twas a lovely show, with all the wee children carrying their little flowers and marching deasil 'round in a circle," my Scottish uncle declared after watching our daughter's school pageant.

It's an old custom that you can bring someone good fortune by walking around them clockwise (that is, to the right) three times while carrying a torch or candle. In Scottish Gaelic, they use the word "deiseil" (a term that's a distant relative of the Latin "dexter," meaning "right") for the direction one walks in such a luck-bringing ritual. English speakers modified the spelling to "deasil," and have used the word both as the name of the clockwise charm and the direction one walks when working it.

From Dahlia:

Do I have to think of everything? I repeat, do I have to think of everything? I am an old lady, but here goes: WHY DON'T WE MAKE FIREPROOF AMERICAN FLAGS TO SEND OVERSEAS? Thank you.

I have a better suggestion: explosive flags. The first ones would just pop! and evaporate, to get the point across; subsequent flags would provide larger detonations. There would, of course, be warning labels aplenty, so we don't get sued in international court by foreign protesters.

I'm kidding! We should respect people's wishes to burn the American flag. In fact, we should airlift Sterno-soaked flags and boxes of waterproof matches to all foreign demonstrators who find themselves without sufficient flags to burn. Surely a nation so blessed with flags can spare a few for those who would love to show their hate but lack the means.

From Cindy:

Why do businesses install surveillance cameras? They record such wretched pictures that you can only tell the perpetrator is a primate in clothes. Crooks don't even bother with masks! We have satellites 20 miles in the air that can tell if your cat has been neutered, but they can't improve these cameras. […]