This is not unique; this is not the first time. During the first Gulf War we were worried about chemical attacks in DC. I remember ironing a shirt one night, listening to a discussion on the radio about the possibility of sleeper cells rising up like Nosferatu and setting off VX bombs downtown. I had an escape route planned out of town, and since I'd be driving my scooter I wouldn't have to worry about traffic. (Imagine if the Segway had caught on by now, and there was an attack in a major urban area - the sidewalks would be clogged with hordes of people on Segways, leaning forward, hastening their steeds to give all they had. It would be the dorkiest evacuation known to mankind.)

This is the logo of John Poindexter's Information Awareness Office, home of the Total Information Awareness project. The logo was removed from the website a few days after its public launch following a torrent of criticism. The Latin motto translates to "knowledge is power". The Defense Department's Total Information Awareness project, or at least what we know of it, raises many disturbing questions regarding the privacy of Americans and the potentially inappropriate use of our personal information.

The logo of the Information Awareness Office does nothing to allay those concerns with its disturbing Orwellian imagery of the all-knowing eye scanning the globe. The Total Information Awareness Gift Shop is a modest comedic attempt to stimulate public awareness and interest in an issue which could detrimentally impact our civil liberties for years to come.

Any proceeds beyond the basic cost of each product will be donated to the American Civil Liberties Union.

It's Valentine's Day tomorrow, guys. Let us review some gifts you might be thinking of giving:

• A waffle iron

Advantage: They're available at Target, and Target is open late.
Disadvantage: Hurts like hell when it's thrown at your head.

• A spandex thong

Advantage: You don't have to wear it.
Disadvantages: She can use it as a slingshot to launch the waffle iron.

• Flowers and chocolates

Advantage: Women like these things, we're told.
Disadvantage: Oddly enough, a rose from Super America and a Kit Kat bar do not work as well as you'd thought.

Chuck Palahniuk is the author of Fight Club, Invisible Monsters, and Lullaby.

The Onion: Who could you take in a fight?

Chuck Palahniuk: Celine Dion.

O: Wait, is that someone you could take on, or someone you'd like to take on?

Chuck Palahniuk: Any day. Bring it on, Celine, bring it on.

i Sebastiani is proud to present FROM SLAVE GIRL TO MISTRESS, a romantic comedy, where schemes collide with reality, young lovers are driven apart, and verbosity meets idiocy. FROM SLAVE GIRL TO MISTRESS is improvised each night off of a brief plot outline or "scenario". The scenario was written by Jay Cross and Alex Newman, based on one popular in Naples, Italy in the seventeenth century. […]

From Slave Girl to Mistress plays seven performances, February 11th-15th. Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday shows are at 8p.m., with two shows each on Friday and Saturday at 7 p.m. and 9 p.m. Tickets are $15, $13 for YMCA members.

The Onion: Is there any particular form you'd like those effects to take? If a film has a lasting impact, does it matter exactly what that impact is?

Terry Gilliam: Not really. It's really just, have I gotten into some nerve tissue that's made them think, or possibly perceive the world differently? I hope there's a certain level of humanity in my work... The best review I ever got was when I was in Dallas doing a radio talk show, while I was promoting Munchausen. And it was a phone-in show. I got a call... [Adopts a Southern drawl.] "Mister Gilliam, ah gotta thank you for, ah, that Baron Munchausen. Ah giggled in awe." [Laughs.] I thought that was the best thing I'd ever heard. In fact, I'm going to have that carved into my tombstone: "He giggled in awe."

Whenever anyone embarks on a project that involves "Star Wars," the notoriously protective (and litigious) George Lucas must be considered. Does this production constitute a copyright infringement?

"Well, we haven't really gone to George and said, 'We're doing this musical, please don't kill us'," Schindler jokes. "Early on, we did write letters to Lucasfilm Ltd. and to [composer] John Williams, with some early drafts of what we were doing. But, we essentially got form letters back that told us that they couldn't even look at our material - basically, if they did, and then they ended up doing something similar to what we'd sent in, we could say they stole our ideas.

"Later on, though, we heard back from Gerard Allesandrini," says Schindler, referring to the composer of "Forbidden Broadway," a well-known show that parodies classic musicals. "He was very nice, and he said that we were well-protected under parody laws. And, being that we're a small, nonprofit college group, we're not really concerned about George coming in and asking us to stop profiting off his work."

Foods during the holiday hold symbolism as well. Typically red meat is not served and one is careful not to serve or eat from a chipped or cracked plate. Fish is eaten to ensure long life and good fortune. Red dates bring the hope for prosperity, melon seeds for proliferation and lotus seeds means the family will prosper through time. Oranges and tangerines symbolize wealth and good fortune. Nian gao, the New Year's Cake, is always served. It is believed that the higher the cake rises the better the year will be. When company stops by a "prosperity tray" is served. The tray has eight sides (another symbol of prosperity) and is filled with goodies like red dates, melon seeds, cookies and New Year Cakes.