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Good crowd,good crowd. I'm telling you I could use a good crowd. I'm okay now but last week I was in rough shape you know...
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
Another time I looked up my family tree and two dogs were using it.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west!
My father worked in a bank; they caught him stealing pens.
He was a workaholic... just mention work and he'd get drunk
My old man spent all his money on booze. I was 6 years old when I found out there was no such thing as Alpo baby food.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, "I'm sorry, we done everything we could but he pulled through."
The doctor then cut the cord and hung himself.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
Sometimes she used to breast fed me through a straw.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
He was so disappointed...he wanted a boy!
He and I would play tag and he would drive.
He would never go out with me. He told me to go in the backyard and play hide-and-go-fuck yourself.
When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm!
Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it !
I have female dog too. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
My dog found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.
One year they wanted to make me poster boy - for birth control!
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof !
My uncles dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap, he was in the electric chair!!
I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.
I donated sperm to a sperm bank, now I'm the father of 3 puppies
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning!
Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them". He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide."
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor, so they sent a priest up to talk to me. he said, "On your mark..."
On Halloween, the parents send their kids out looking like me.
I had to trick or treat over the phone
Last year, one kid tried to rip my face off !
Now it's different, when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library; I woke up and a blind man was reading my face !
My wife made me join her bridge club ... I jump off next Tuesday!
One time I went into a hotel; I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife !
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass !
Having sex with my wife is like magic, as soon as I get into bed she disappears.
When my wife and I got married, she said I was one in a million. I found out later she was right.
We always fight about money and sex. She charges me too much.
What a sex life. It's like shooting pool with a rope.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe !
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a Pooper Scooper.
I met the Surgeon General - he offered me a cigarette !
I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me 2-1 odds I don't make it.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him, "How am I suppose to get from London to Tokyo ?" He told me, "That's why we give you 21 days."
Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... no days, just nights.
I just finished my first book; now I'm going to read another one!
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
I decided that I was going to look out for number one. Then I stepped in number two.
I go fishing, I catch nothing. I go to orgies, I catch everything.
My American Express card left home without me.
They say 'love thy neighbour as thy self', what am I supposed to do, jerk him off too?!!
A friend of mine never got respect either. Everyone called him four eyes, then he got glasses, now they call him eight eyes.
At Christmas time I sat on Santas lap. His fly was open! Boy, what a present he gave me!
I bought a new book,'100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint!
I bought another book 'how to make it big'. I got ripped off, it was about money.
My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed.
Actually she did put the mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
I ask my wife if she would put out the garbage. She said, "Why should I, you never put out for me."
I asked her if she enjoys a cigarette after sex. She said, "No, one drag is enough."
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, but I didn't see the mouse trap.
People ask me if I can get it up in the morning - I tell them, "Are you kidding I'm at the age where I'm envious of a stiff wind"
If I can squeeze my car into a tight spot I'm sexually satisfied.
A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over there's nobody home." I went over - nobody was home !!
I could never get girls. So to fool my friends, I'd go to a drive in and do push ups in the backseat of the car.
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to message parlor - it was self service!
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
If it weren't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made me French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
Was she wild. Once in a bar she gave the mechanical bull her phone number.
I once went on a blind date, when I noticed she was pregnant. She said she had a fight with her boyfriend. I said the next time you and your boyfriend fight, tell him he's suppose to knock you down.
I was making love to this one girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" she said, "No, I hate myself now."
She was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
She was fat and ugly. She was so fat that: 1) She got on a scale and a card came out saying,"one at a time." 2) Her bath tub has stretch marks. 3) Her belly button makes an echo. 4) She has her own postal code. 5) She wears a 'cross your thighs' bra. 6) She has a dress with a sign on the back saying, "Caution: wide load." 7) Her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker. 8) When guys have sex with her they ask for directions. 9) One day I hit her with my car. She ask me why I didn't go around her. I told her I didn't think I had enough gas. 10) Her bikini is made out of two bed sheets. 11) When I got on top of her my ears popped 12) If you put a watch on both her arms, she would cover two time zones. 13) When she wears high heels she strikes oil.
She was so ugly that: 1) She was known as a two bagger; that's where a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks. 2) If you grab a dictionary and look under the word 'ugly', you would see her picture. 3) I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs. 4) I took her to a dog show and she won first prize. 5) They use her in prisons to cure sex offenders. 6) I took her to the top of the C.N. tower and planes started to attack her. 7) Two men broke into her apartment. She yelled rape, they yelled nooooooooo !!! 8) She has face like a boiled boot and a tongue long enough to lace it up. 9) She looks like she came second in a hatchet fight ! 10) The last time I saw a mouth like hers, it had a hook in it. 11) She had a face like a saint ... a Saint Bernard! 12) There's only one thing wrong with her face ... it shows 13) She has a face that could stop a sundial 14) She went to a plastic surgeon and he added a tail 15) I gave her a hickey, I got fur in my mouth. 16) She could make a train take a dirt road
She was old to, when she went to school they didn't have history
I was tired one night and I went to a bar to have a few drinks, the bartender asked me, "What'll you have". I said, "Surprise me". he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
I'm a bad drinker, when I drink, the next day things are missing ... like my teeth. I wake up in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I saw a sign outside a bar saying 'topless' and 'bottomless'. I went inside, no one was there.
I walked in a bar and I saw a lady dancing naked on the table and they wouldn't let me in cause I didn't have a tie and a jacket.
My wife has cut me down to once a month. I'm lucky, I know two guys she cut out completely. I asked one of them, "Who said you can fool around with my wife?" He said, "Everybody!"
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where I can get some action. He took me to my house !
My wife wants sex in the backseat of the car and she wants me to drive.
There's something funny going on at my house, everytime I come home I hear the parrot say, "Quick, out the window".
During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
My wife is into s&m ... salesmen and the mechanics
My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
One day, as I came home early from work, I saw a guy jogging naked I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that for?" He said, "Because you came home early."
I went to look for a used car; I found my wifes dress in the back seat.
Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her, "The best woman a man ever had." The waiter joined me !!
The other night she met me at the door wearing a see through negligee, the only trouble was she was coming home !
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning I put on a shirt, a button fell off. I picked my briefcase, the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom !!
I had a problem - so I tried group sex. now I have a new problem - I don't know who to thank !
My friends and I played a new version of Russian roulette, we passed around six girls and one of them had v.d.
I went to see my doctor, you know him, doctor Vidi-boom-ba? Yeah, I told him once, "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up; what's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. He told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
I asked him when I should take my sleeping pills. He said whenever I wake up
He said last week he got six cases of v.d. He's all right now ...
He told me to jog 5 miles a day. I phoned him up two weeks later I said, "Hey doc I'm 70 miles from my house." (you got to multiply, okay?)
I told him, I think my wife has v.d. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.
When you take your clothes off he says ahhhh !
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. He told me to wear a brown necktie.
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath; he holds up his arms.
Why every time he smokes, he blows onion rings.
I asked him if he could put in a new tooth to match my other teeth. He put in a tooth with four cavities.
He's strange ... he gave me a shot a Novocaine and told to pull My pants down. Then he said I needed root canal and told me to bend over !
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion." He said, "Alright, your ugly to."; and he told me to lay on the couch face down.
I went to see my proctologist... He's the only one I see eye to eye
It must be terrible being a proctologist, you start at the bottom and stay there.
I was so ugly, my mother use to feed me with a sling shot!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face,turned me over and said, "Look twins!!"
We were poor too. why if I wasn't born a boy, I would have nothing to play with!
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait until grandpa sneezed.
In my neighbourhood the rainbow was in black and white.
I once had food in a Chinese restaurant. I opened up my fortune cookie. Inside was the guys cheque next to me. I said to him, "Hey buddy, I got your cheque!" He said, "Thanks."
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark !
In my house, we pray after we eat!
I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves!
I got the only dog who begs for Alka Selser!
What a cook. I left a hamburger on my plate, she used it to scrub the sink.
She made leg of lamb. I couldn't get pass the wool.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flys pitched in to fix the screen door!
The other night she made chocolate mouse - an antler got caught in my throat
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I said, "You cooked it, you take it out."
I have three kids, one of each.
What a mean kid too. Why he put Krazy glue in my Preperation H !
For Christmas one year I bought him a BB gun, he bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back!
My kid scotch tapes worms to the sidewalk then watches the birds get hernias!
What I kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees. He told me about my wife and the butcher !
I told my kid, "Some day you'll have children of your own". He told me, "So will you!"
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chair.
Kids play around young these days. My kid bought a box of cracker jacks, the prize was a diaphragm.
My kid gives me nothing but trouble. I told him your young, you don't have it upstairs. He said I'm old, I don't have it downstairs.
My daughter's no bargain either, in public school she voted most likely to conceive.
She's known as 'Federal Express'. When she goes to a guys apartment, she absolutely, positively has to be there overnight
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat.
She's been picked up so many times she's growing handles
Her school picture was taken horizontally
I come from a real tough neighbourhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb!
I looked in my finger bowl, there were three fingers in it.
Are you kidding in the local library the sign says 'shut the fuck up'!
Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I could tell he wasn't a professional, there was butter on it.
I bought a waterbed and there was a guy at the bottom of it!
When I was a kid I always used to put my hand in wet cement. for a change I thought I'd do it again. Boy, it's a weird feeling putting your hand in wet cement and feeling another hand.
I once asked a policeman how far is it to the subway. He said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it."
Why everytime I shut the window, I hurt somebodys fingers!
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it
On my street, kids remove hubcaps from moving cars.
Once I pulled I job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket in an airplane and made a run for it.
I remember the first time I hitch hiked I got beat up. Yea, I used the wrong finger.
One time I guy hit me with his car. I said, "Hey buddy can't you see where your driving". He said, "I hit you didn't I !"
Another time I got hit by a car, a bystander asked if I got the license plate number. I said, "No, but I'd recognize that laugh anywhere".
I'm getting old. To me "shootin' up" means the enema bag.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys chased after me with shovels
My insurance company sent me half a calendar.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep, they have each other to talk to.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I don't understand a word their saying!
I have nothing but problems with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I have the only car where dogs chase it and catch it !
Just once would I like to see somebody passing me without pointing to one of my tires.
I bought the perfect second car - a tow truck!
I remember one time somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw what the guy looked like. She said, "No, but I got the license plate number."
My wife's not too smart. I told her our kid is spoiled. She told me a lot of kids smell that way.
Her father died so she had him frozen, everytime I get a snack he falls out of the fridge.
I remember driving with her. She told me she was going to make a U turn. Boy, I'm telling you, the letter she made - you'll never find it!
I remember one guy gave her a good piece of his mind. Yeah, it was right after she took a good piece of his leg!
She once hit a deer. It was in a zoo !!
She put 60 dents in the car. She took a short cut through a driving range.
There are a pair of shoes over the dashboard. They belong to the last guy that she hit.
My wifes got 18 out of 20 for her drivers test, 2 guys jumped out of the way
My cousin's gay, I always kid him. I tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section!
In school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies!
He was disappointed. He went to London, only to find that Big Ben was a clock.
Comments to the crowd ---------------------
Can't you see I'm busy up here, save your breath, your going to need it to blow up your inflatable date.
When you go to the movies, do you talk back to the screen ?
Good thing your wearing a moustache, it breaks up the monotony of your face.
Why am I so ugly ? ... because your contagious, okay!