backFrom: Kenneth Richard Tough <tough@ecf.toronto.edu> Organization: Institute of Biomedical Engineering, University of Toronto
>Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? <Because wool gets caught in the zipper. or So the sheep can't hear the zipper.
similarly: >Why do Scotsmen wear Wellingtons (high rubber boots)? <Because they can hold the sheep's back legs in them.
-Englishman, Aussie and Scotman in a bar drinking beer. -A fly lands in each of their beers. -Englishman scoops his out with a spoon and drops it on his saucer. -Aussie blows fly off in cloud of foam. -Scotsman gently picks it out by the wings, shakes it off, and says quietly, "allrrrright you little booger, spit it oooot!"
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From: Harish Hiriyannaiah <harish@ece-csc.ncsu.edu> Organization: North Carolina State University, Raleigh, NC
Here are some:
1. Do you know how the Grand Canyon was formed ?
A Scot dropped a penny in a golf hole.
2. Give an example for perpetual motion.
A Scot running after a jew.
3. It was a hot summer afternoon, and all the scots were pursuing their favourite hobby - drinking whiskey in the pub. Suddenly, the door bursts open, and a man comes in panting, his tongue lolling and totally black in colour. " What happened , Mac?", inquired one of the regulars." Well, a bottle of whiskey fell on the hot tar road. " said Mac.
Harish.
-- harish pu. hi. harish@ece-csc.ncsu.edu {decvax,possibly other backbone sites}!mcnc!ece-csc!harish
I am not, therefore I think not ?
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From: debra@alice.att.com Organization: AT&T, Bell Labs
Why do scottish people refuse to buy refrigerators?
They don't believe that the light will go out when you close the door.
(i know, this is a very old joke)
Paul
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From prabhu@mitisft Tue Oct 4 16:00:31 1988
A Scotsman and a Jew went to a restaurant. After a hearty meal, the waitress came by with the inevitable check. To the amazement of all, the Scotsman was heard to say, "I'll pay it!", and he actually did.
The next morning's newspaper carried the news item:
"JEWISH VENTRILOQUIST FOUND MURDERED IN BLIND ALLEY".
prabhu
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From: UNIX-to-UNIX Copy <uucp@watmath> Organization: Bellcore MRE
A famous person [I can't remember who] once said something to this effect: "A true gentleman is one who can play the bagpipes--and doesn't."
This comment upsets most people of Scottish extraction, even those who don't like bagpipe music.
--Elisa Eiger
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From: Madhumitra Sharma <sharma@chestnut> Organization: MIT Laboratory for Computer Science, Cambridge
How about this one, if you haven't already heard it :
What do you call a scottish highlander with four sheep ?
A: A pimp.
Madhu Sharma sharma@xx.lcs.mit.edu
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From: ulysses!yomama!usenet@rutgers.edu Organization: Oh Please! Please! Please!
The Scottsman comes to his friend in tears.
"My beautiful comb. I broke a tooth on it an now I can't use it anymore. What am I going to do? Now I'll have to buy another one."
"Well," said his friend, "you don't need to buy another just because you lost one tooth on your comb."
"But you don't understand.
It was the last tooth." -- Sam Saal ..!attunix!saal Vayiphtach HaShem et Peah HaAtone
============================================= From: ihlpe!wcsa@att.uucp Organization: AT&T Bell Laboratories - Naperville, Illinois
How about this one:
There are four kinds of people that live in Great Britian.
First are the Scots, Who hold onto their children and anything else they can get their hands on. Next are the Welsh, Who pray on their knees and on their neighbors. Then there are the Irish, Who don't know what they want, but they'll fight anyone for it. and last are the English, Who consider themselves self made men, which releves the Almight of any responsibility!
Willard C. Smith
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From: pcmeier@phoenix.Princeton.EDU (Pascal Constantin Meier) Organization: Princeton University, NJ
You can substitute Irish for Scottish in this (in fact it makes more sense that way) but here goes:
A Scott was walking along the beach when he happened to notice a bottle on the sand which had obviously washed ashore. Thinking that it might contain something of value (i.e. anything over 120 proof), he picked it up, and pulled out the cork. As soon as he had unstoppered the bottle, a leprechaun popped out in a cloud of smoke and other pyrotechnics. "Oh thank you for liberating me, brave sir," quoth the leprechaun, "I've been trapped in this bottle for 40 millena. In recompense for your deed, I shall grant you three wishes." "Wella now," replied the Scott, "I'd surely like a nice jug of fine country ale." Immediately, there appeared before him a large (7 gallons) glass container of golden ale; the Scott immediately opened this up and chugged it down, and then emitted a hearty belch. Imagine his surprise when as soon as he had lain it down, it magically refilled itself to the top. "Special feature," explained the leprechaun, "it can never be emptied! Now, what would you like for your other two wishes?" "Why that's a fantastic idea!" exclaimed the Scott. "I'll take two more of the same!"
----------- Pascal
============================================= From: "xmissn-James Harvey(00000" <mibte!jbh@RUTGERS.EDU>
[References to Jew/Synagogue should be converted to Scot/Church]
This nice, old Jewish man really wanted to win the lottery. So, one week, he goes to synagogue and he says (good Yiddish accent mandatory), "Oy, Lord of heaven and earth, imagine how much good I could do with ze money I vould vin if I von the lottery! Imagine how much charity I could give! Help me vin the lottery and I will spent ze money wisely!" He doesn't win the lottery.
The next week, he goes to synagogue again and says, "Oh, lord of heaven and earth, you must not have heard me last veek! Imagine how many lives I could make easier with ze money from ze lottery! Help me vin ze lottery!" Once again, he doesn't win.
The third week, he goes to synagogue again and prays in a similar vein. Suddenly, he hears a voice from the heavens: "Help me, help me!"
He says, "Lord of heaven and earth, what can I do to help you?"
"Buy a TICKET!"
- -------------------------------------------------------------------
Jim Harvey | "Ask not for whom the bell Michigan Bell Telephone | tolls and you will only pay 29777 Telegraph | Station-to-Station rates." Southfield, Mich. 48034 |
ihnp4!mibte!jbh or try ulysses!gamma!mibte!jbh
============================================= From: brown@mfci.UUCP Organization: Multiflow Computer Inc., Branford Ct. 06405
During a recent international sports meet , one of the Scottish track and field coaches was entertaining some friends and col- leagues in his hotel room. As so often occurs the libations were used up before it was time to end the festivities.
After receiving directions to the nearest wine/liquor store, the Scottish coach departed the party.
Upon arriving at the store, he noticed that there were only three or four people waiting in the queue.
Immediately ahead of him were two men dressed in military fa- tigues and heavily bearded. He overhead one of them ordering several bottles of Scotch and rum. Upon being told the value of his purchases, this fatigue dressed individual told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Immediately the clerk produced a book and had the individual sign for his purchases. To say that the Scotsman was intrigued would be an understatement.
The other individual in front of the Scotsman proceeded to order at least twice what his companion had ordered. Upon receipt of his total he also told the clerk that he was with Fidel. Same book, same procedure as the first fatigue clad individual.
By this time the Scotsman had figured he was on to a good thing.
He ordered bottles of this, that, cigars, cigarettes etc. Upon being presented with his bill he told the clerk that he was with Fidel.
The clerk told him that he could not be with Fidel.
"Why not?" said the indignant Scotsman.
"Because you do not have the beard and the big cigar." the clerk replied.
Pausing for only a moment, the Scotsman reached down, lifted up his kilt and proudly announced, "SECRET SERVICE!!!" ============================================= [from rec.humor.funny]
From Fri Oct 14 09:35:15 1988 From: neeman@uicsrd.csrd.uiuc.edu Subject: Scott Free
Why don't Scotsmen ever have coffee the way they like it?
Well, they like it with two lumps of sugar, but if they drink it at home, they only take one, and if they drink it while visiting, they always take three. -- Edited by Brad Templ%ton. MAIL, yes MAIL your jokes to watmath!looking!funny . Attribute the joke's source if at all possible. I will reply, mailers willing. Remember: If you POST your joke instead of mailing it, I will not reply. -- Brian Glendenning - Radio astronomy, University of Toronto brian@radio.astro.utoronto.ca uunet!utai!radio!brian glendenn@utorphys.bitnet