Heart of the Mind by Zlanna Star Trek is the property of Paramount Pictures, only the ideas contained herein are mine. This story may be freely distributed as long as this disclaimer is left attached and no content is changed. Stardate 47990 "Understood, Captain. Perhaps tomorrow, then." Dr. Beverly Crusher tapped on her com badge. Another dinner date canceled. She made her way down to the ten-forward lounge by herself. Upon entering, she immediately noticed the First Officer, Commander Riker, sitting at a far table facing the moving stars. He was next to the huge windows that lined one end of the lounge, his back to everyone else. There were few occupants of the lounge huddled on the opposite wall of the Commander. Beverly noticed that the hostess, Guinan, had soothing music playing in the background. New Age, the doctor believed they called it. She doubted it helped soothe the soul of the Commander right now. It had only been the previous day, right after the staff meeting in which Captain Picard had told his senior officers about his strange travels through time. In his visits to the future, Picard revealed what had all happened to the senior staff in the other time line. That was the first time that the Commander had finally learned that Deanna Troi and Lt. Worf had embarked on a romantic relationship. He had been moody at the Poker game last night and had seemed anxious for everyone to leave. Always the gentleman, he had given up his seat to Deanna so she could sit next to Worf, but Beverly noticed the depression that had gradually sunk in as the evening wore on. Beverly had a feeling "Blues" music might fit Riker's mood a bit better, but Guinan obviously thought there was no reason to make everyone else depressed too. The usually active lounge felt more like a morgue tonight. Everyone talked in low voices. No one it seemed wanted to draw attention to themselves, perhaps out of fear or consideration of the Commander's emotional state. "How long has he been here?" Beverly Crusher asked Guinan as she nodded in the direction of the First Officer. She sat down at the counter. "Since he came off his watch." Guinan replied handing Dr. Crusher her coffee. "What's he drinking?" "He's not. He's been staring at the glass for about the last two hours, but he hasn't touched it yet. I don't know what it is -- something he brought himself. I doubt it is synthenol." Guinan added. Beverly nodded. "I can't believe he didn't know. He must have been the last person on board to find out about Worf and the Counselor." "I imagine that's true. He's taking it pretty hard. Doesn't look like he thought they were through." Guinan replied, watching him carefully. "I never thought that either. Maybe I should go talk to him. He looks like he needs a friend." Beverly hesitated, hoping that Guinan would volunteer to go instead. "Good idea. I tried to talk to him when he first came in, but he wouldn't answer me. I was afraid if I pushed too hard, he'd just leave. I figured he was probably better off in here around people than in his room by himself, so I left him alone." "Going to an empty quarters is the last thing I would want to do." Beverly looked over at Will Riker bent over as if studying something on the table. She felt a wave of sympathy for him as she watched him run his fingers through his dark hair again. "Well, here goes, wish me luck. If I could, I would send him to the ship's counselor, but I don't think that would help in this situation." she smiled wryly at her own gallows humor. Beverly slowly rose from her seat at the counter and tried to imagine what she should say to the First Officer. What would the ship's Counselor say? Beverly thought for a moment. She would say, "Sometimes listening is the best you can do." Will Riker heard someone approach but he didn't bother to glance up. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't want their pity. He didn't want them taking sides. He just wanted them to leave him alone. "Will, can I join you?" Beverly surprised herself at the gentleness in the tone of her voice as she took a seat at his table. "Beverly." He quietly said her name. He hadn't expected to see the doctor and he didn't want to hear her defend Deanna and Worf at the moment. He never looked up to acknowledge her. "I don't think I'll be much company tonight." He continued to stare at the glass before him. "Have you had anything to eat Will?" "No." "I haven't either. I'm without a dinner companion. Let's get order something. Doctor's orders." She knew Will Riker. If she could get him to eat, he would feel better despite himself. "I'm not hungry." Beverly looked up to see Worf and Troi entering the ten-forward lounge. Her eyes met Deanna's and she found herself quickly looking away. Beverly didn't know why she should feel guilty, she wasn't doing anything wrong. She prayed they had sense enough to leave when they saw the state Will was in. He still stared at the glass never looking up, "She's here." He spoke softly so that Beverly was hardly sure she heard him. "Yes, she is." "I know when she's near you know. I can feel her near me." His voice was starting to crack and Beverly feared he would break down in front of the crew or worse that there would be a scene between him and Worf. Beverly watched the couple take a seat by the 10-Forward doors. Deanna's back was to Will and Worf seated himself opposite her looking right at Beverly and Will's back. Beverly saw Deanna start to rise up out of her seat and Worf put a hand on her arm indicating she should stay where she was. "Will, I'm hungry. Let's go to my quarters for dinner. What do you say?" Beverly realized her heart was beating fast now. She was sure that a confrontation was moments away and had no idea how to prevent it. "Beverly. Sit down. She won't come over here." Will looked up at her for the first time since Beverly had joined him. The blue eyes sparkled more than usual, but the trademark smile had disappeared. "Will, I don't know if staying here is such a good idea." "She's an empath. She knows, she always knows." Guinan went first to Deanna and Worf's table and took their order and then came over to Beverly and Will. "Would you like some dinner, Commander, Doctor?" Will said nothing. Beverly nodded. "Yes, I'm starved and the Commander is too. Why don't you get him a fiddlehead salad and a salmon and I'll have a Caesar salad with chicken." Will waited for Guinan to leave. "I hate fiddlehead salad and its not true that everyone from Alaska likes salmon, you know." "Yes, I know, but Deanna told me about making salmon for your birthday..." Beverly stopped in embarrassment realizing what she had said. Will was quiet for a moment. "Oh, Will, I'm so sorry." Beverly began. "It's okay, Beverly. It's okay. Did she ever tell you about -- about us?" Will asked. "Yes. She told me you were close. I know she still cares a great deal for you, Will." "Yes she does." he looked out past the huge windows filled with stars. "We are linked you know. I used to hear her voice in my mind. I used to be able to send my thoughts to her too. A little. I didn't get a chance to learn much. I know when she's in pain. I don't know how but I do." His laugh was small and cruel. "I thought she was in pain over me last night." He swallowed hard. "I was fool wasn't I, Beverly?" He couldn't bring himself to look at her for the confirmation of his statement, so he just stared at the glass. Beverly reached over and put her hand on his. "Will, why don't we go to back to your quarters? You don't," she hesitated, "You don't want the crew to see you." Beverly's heart went out to the First Officer who looked so different from his usual carefree self. She always thought of him as so strong. He never seemed to doubt that he could handle any situation. His confidence that seemed to border on arrogance, was gone. Now he looked drained as if the strong drive that kept him going had shut down. She had seen Will Riker near death several times, but she had never seen him so defeated. Will gently removed his hand from under Beverly's and patted the top of hers before letting it go. "Beverly, if my feet could take me from this chair I would have left an hour ago," a small smile appeared. Progress at least Beverly thought. "I'll be fine. Nothing I can't handle," his voice was stronger, "Besides, what do you think people would say if they saw you leaving 10-Forward with me tonight?" "I think they would realize you had a friend." Will sighed. The pain returned to his voice, "Sometimes, I try to remember what it was like hearing her call in my head. I've wanted to hear it for so long. I always thought ... Now I may never hear it again." "Will, I'll tell you something I've never told anyone, but you have to promise never repeat it, even to Deanna." Beverly whispered so only he could hear. "Not a chance in hell that will happen Doctor." the bitterness began to creep in his voice for the first time. "The captain and I were once telepathically linked." "You were? How?" Will seemed interested in the conversation for the first time. "When we were prisoners on Kes-Prytt. The implants that were removed when we returned to the Enterprise had served on the planet to transmit our thoughts to one another. I learned many things through that experience. I learned the depth..." Beverly stopped. She had been reminiscing almost to herself, but realized that perhaps she was about to reveal more than she should. "Then you know." Will met her eyes. "You know what its like." "Yes. Well, a little, I suppose." "But you were never lovers." "No." Now it was Beverly's turn to stare at the table. She felt her face flush from the embarrassment of the admission she had just made. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked." Will shook his head. Guinan appeared with their dinner and quietly set it before them. "Thank you, Guinan." Beverly acknowledged. Will just stared at the plate. After a few moments he asked, "Did you ever hear the word, 'Imzadi'?" Will started to turn the glass around slowly. Beverly noticed he said the word reverently, as if it were almost too sacred to repeat out loud. "Yes, Deanna told me once that you were her Imzadi and that the word meant, "Beloved." "It means a lot more than that, a lot more. It means she," he stopped as if struggling with how to express what he wanted to say. It was clear he felt it important that she understand. "It means she was the first to touch my soul. Sounds kind of corny to say out loud, doesn't it? She is the only one who ever touched my soul though. Touched it -- hell, she owns the damn thing." Riker downed the contents of the glass before him. Beverly saw his jaw muscles clinch in frustration and anger. The silence was uncomfortable. Beverly hated to hear Will sound so bitter toward her friend. Deanna had been very lonely lately and although Beverly always suspected that Deanna still loved Will, she knew for some reason Deanna felt a relationship between the two was impossible, perhaps for the same reason she refused to put Jean-Luc in the position of ever feeling responsible for her safety. Deep down Beverly knew that refusing to acknowledge their feelings and desires wouldn't change anything if she or the Captain were to die. It would just mean they had wasted what precious time they had been given together. It was something the doctor had given a great deal of thought to lately. For the first time she was beginning to wonder though if Deanna quite realized the power she held over this man. Beverly thought back to the feeling of power she had felt over Jean-Luc when she understood how deep his feelings for her were. Understanding how much his happiness depended on her had scared her, maybe Deanna was scared too and didn't know it. Will continued, "I learned once that I could go to Betazed and have this, this link broken, but I never wanted to. I always figured that somehow, we ..." he stopped and fell silent again. "Now, I don't know." "It might not last you know." Beverly didn't know if encouraging such thinking was the right thing to do or not, but he had picked up his fork and was starting to play with the salmon. "The thing is, I want what makes her happy. I just don't make her happy, I guess. I thought I did once. Maybe I never really did. She made me happy." Will looked up and held Beverly's gaze. "Do you think he makes her happy?" "I don't know. I mean talk about opposites. Klingons think that sexual abuse is foreplay..." Beverly stopped when she saw Will cringing. She seemed to manage to stick her foot in her mouth at every turn. She thought about the bruises and the hairline fracture of the wrist she had treated Deanna for that morning. Personally, Beverly hoped that Deanna would stop this nonsense with Worf. If she didn't, Beverly didn't think the petite Betazoid would survive, but Deanna insisted she could control things. Beverly looked over at Guinan, hoping for reinforcements, but none were coming. "You know Will, when I saw the thoughts of the Captain, I realized how much the small things meant to him. Little things I never thought twice about he had noticed and appreciated. I'm sure you make her happy, Will." "I think I could make her happy. I'm older now. I've changed, but I don't think she knows that. I realize...more. Did you ever want to go back, Beverly?" "What do you mean?" "Did you ever want to go back to hearing his voice in your head?" "For me it was more like hearing his voice in his head, but yes, I've wanted to go back to that." "Every night?" Beverly thought for a moment. No, not every night, but often she lay awake remembering. She knew the answer Will wanted to hear though, "Yes" she replied softly. "Me too." Will Riker and Beverly Crusher ate the rest of their dinner in silence. Each second guessing their actions, their regrets, replaying old scenes and what they should have said or done or not done or should do. Finally, Will stood up. He squared his shoulders, tugged on his jacket. His voice was subdued but strong. "I could use a friend to walk out of the lounge with me Doctor. Just to help me get to that door over there. I think it's going to be the longest walk I've taken for quite a while." "I'd be happy to walk out with you Commander." Beverly smiled. "Did anyone ever tell you how beautiful your smile is?" Will said gazing down at her. "Now I know you are feeling better!" she countered, rising up from her chair and setting the napkin down. He waited for her to go in front of him and then followed. Worf had placed himself and Deanna by the door of 10-forward. There was no way to exit other than to walk right past them. Beverly gave the couple a tight smile. She was embarrassed by the whole situation and she hated being in the middle. Behind her she heard Will say, "Good evening, Worf, Deanna. Don't get the salmon, it bites." Beverly heard the laughter then she heard the 10-Forward doors close behind Riker. "Thanks, Doctor, I can take it from here." Will stood looking at Dr. Crusher in front of the 10-Forward doors. "I think you've progressed more in your acting than I thought." "I think you're right." he sighed, "I don't think he can make her happy. The whole thing doesn't make any sense, a Klingon and a Betazoid? No, I don't think it will work either. She'll need a friend. It's good she has a friend like you." Beverly took Will's hand in hers again. "She'll need both her friends, Will. Remember that. I can tell you love her. Be patient. If it's meant to be, it will work out for both of you." He nodded and turned away. Beverly watched his shoulders drop as he walked dejectedly toward his quarters. She walked slowly back to her own quarters, still remembering a campfire long ago. Inside the ten-forward lounge Guinan watched Worf and Deanna. She shook her head as she cleaned a glass. It was so frustrating watching fate play its hand sometimes.