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Heart of the Mind 
by Zlanna@aol.com

***************
Returning from his leave, Worf resisted speculating on whether 
Deanna would be there when he materialized onto the transporter pad of the
Enterprise. It was with relief that he saw her alone waiting for him.
	They walked back to his quarters in silence. Once inside, he
could stand it no longer. "I thought I would receive a message from you
during my absence, but none came."
	"I went to Henalli 4 with some people. It was remote with few
facilities."
	"With Commander Riker." 
	Deanna sensed no malice or anger from the Klingon. "The Commander was 
with the group Worf, but we most of the senior
staff went together.  It was very relaxing and you have no reason to
worry. It was your decision to go to the Klingon home world."
	"Very well. You are right." He approached her, his smile beginning
to turn menacing. He took her wrist roughly.
	Deanna's heart raced.  As soon as she felt the twinge of pain
from Worf's grasp on her wrist, her ever present sense of Will Riker
disappeared. Her only thought was that he must have died. She tried to
push Worf away to concentrate on Will, but her actions only prompted
Worf to tighten his grip. She wanted to protest to Worf but so great was
her panic that no sound would emerge.  Worf was delighted with the
response.  Finally, she was learning to meet his advances with active
resistance rather than the pacifism she had shown before. He did not
desire to bed a martyr, but to subdue a partner.
	Deanna's panic was growing.. "Worf." she managed to exclaim. 
"Please. I, I can't."
	"Good.  Resist." Worf bared his teeth.  "Resistance is futile."
,	Deanna recognized the joke, but her panic was so great she
could not react. "No. You don't understand." She began to cry in pain
and frustration.
	Worf stepped back and watched her.  "It is him. It is him you
ache for."
	"No. Worf." She felt her breathing resume slowly. "No, it is not
what you think."
	"Then explain to me."
	"I, I can't. I'm  experiencing feelings of panic. Of horrible
anxiety." Deanna's breath came in short, quick bursts.  "I can't
describe it." Deanna was trying to analyze what had happened to Will.
She could only guess he had finally learned to build a mental shield to
protect himself or he was dead. In her mind she searched for his
presence that was always with her.
	Worf studied Troi for a moment. He did not know much of this Imzadi
link that Deanna shared with his commanding officer. He had taken Data
aside and quizzed him about it, but it seemed shrouded in mystery, much
like the Pon Far madness which led to the mating rituals of the Vulcan
tradition. Worf had little doubt that Will Riker was somehow
behind Deanna's panic. He would not force her to admit it. She must find
her own path whether it led to him or to Riker
	Worf studied Troi for a moment. "We are both tired, perhaps it
is best we get some sleep."
	Troi looked at the Klingon with such gratitude that his anger
left as suddenly as it had arisen. "Thank you." she said quietly. She
doubted anything had happened to Will.  She would have been notified by
Beverly.  He was not on an away mission she told herself. He must be
putting up a mental shield.  If she were in her own quarters alone, she
would have asked the computer to located Commander Riker, but she would
not so humiliate Worf here in his quarters with such an inquiry.
	Lying next to Worf, Deanna recalled her recent conversation with
Beverly.  She cringed when the doctor had described how hard it was for
Will each time the pain started.  Deanna had reacted defensively,
protesting that she wasn't responsible for Will Riker's problems,  but
the truth was she had never thought about Will picking up on the her
pain.  She took for granted that she always felt his physical pain, but
as he had pointed out, she often forgot that the link was a two way
bond. She could hardly blame him for protecting himself from the
experience. If there was a way to get through, she would have let him
know there was no need for the block now, but so strong had his control
become that he received none of her thoughts that night.
*************
	In his cabin talking to Guinan, Will Riker grimaced. "Its starting
again." he announced. 
	Guinan read from the Betazoid book that Lwaxana had sent Will.
"Breathe slowly and establish your control.  Focus on the opposing
emotions. Reach the balance, most precious of all states. Keeping the
balance, lower the intensity of all the emotions of the others.  Now
lower your own."
	Guinan smiled. Riker was in the deepest meditative state that
she had seen him achieve so far.  The lines of pain on his face eased.
Studying Betazed philosophy these past months had help him learn to
protect himself. She watched him for a few minutes. She wondered how the
gentle Counselor could put herself and this man through so much. Deanna
would never willingly hurt anyone, but she seemed so impervious to
Will's pain. Or maybe she only accepted it. Perhaps she ignore it
because her own was so great. Will would not hear of going to Betazed
and having the link broken
	Several hours later, Will Riker came out of his self induced trance,
dropping the mental shield. He was alone, Guinan, having left after
becoming convinced he had established the mental barrier. He felt no
pain from Deanna. There usually was a dull pain that lasted through the
night until Deanna's regular sick bay visits in the morning. Realizing
she was all right he went immediately to back to sleep.
	Deanna lay next to Worf.  She felt Will's presence again. .  He
had lowered his mental shield. The soft soothing feeling of peace was
faint, but there. She focused on it.  She caressed it and enveloped it
with her own contentment, falling peacefully asleep herself. Her dreams
were of her Imzadi who dreamed of her.
***********************
	Captain Picard watched in amazement. Lwaxana Troi had been ordering
everyone around for the past two hours, preparing ten-forward for the
upcoming reception.  Finally, Guinan had come over and told the Betazed
ambassador that she needed to talk to her.  Lwaxana had started to
protest, but then had obediently followed. Never had Picard seen Lwaxana
display such "awe" of anyone.
	"You know, I never met an El-Aurian before." Lwaxana projected.
	Guinan pushed the drink to Lwaxana. "My people are widely
scattered."
	"You want to talk to me about my daughter."
	"And about Will."
	"Poor Will.I understand you have been helping him with his Betazed
studies." Lwaxana absently sipped from the glass.  "I can't do anything
about this...this situation.  If I criticize Worf I will only drive
Deanna to him. I tried to talk to her, but I learned a long time ago, if
I interfere, I only make things worse.  I interfered once and I've paid
for it ever since."
	"Yes, well, you all three have if you ask me."
	Lwaxana regarded Guinan for a moment. "I have talked to get Deanna
about breaking the bond, but she won't hear of it.  She is still in love
with Will, I'm sorry but what ever happens, they have to work this out
themselves."
	"Lwaxana do you know much about Klingons?"
	"More than I'd like to.  Their thoughts are quite
primitive." Lwaxana frowned in disgust at the thought of her daughter
engaging in such barbaric mating rituals.	
	Guinan pushed on, "I see. Tell me about this 'Imzadi' link that
binds Will and Deanna."
	"What is there to tell? She was to marry a charming boy.  They
would have been perfect together. Unfortunately, she was in love with
Will Riker and circumstances occurred which put them in a very emotional
situation and .... they bonded. It was unfortunate." Lwaxana drew in a
long breath and slowly let it escape. "I should have just let fate play
its hand, but I thought, I could convince her to let me break the bond.
She never did and still won't."
	"What if Will wanted the bond broken?" Guinan's words came
carefully.
	"Does he?" Lwaxana asked in disbelief.
	"Not yet, but he is suffering."
	Lwaxana sat for a moment. She stared off through the windows at
the side of the lounge, debating something in her mind.  "Guinan, Will
has never realized what it means to be Deanna's Imzadi. I have never
told him because Deanna begged me not to intervene." Lwaxana turned
around.  "See that young man over there."
	Guinan followed Lwaxana's gaze.  "The one holding the girl's
hand?"
	"Yes.  That is Gerard of the Third House.  Imzadi to the Daughter
Initiate of the Third House.  He is human.  She is Betazoid. Gerard
feels isolated because he knows no other human men who have an Imzadi
relationship. I have a feeling that if you introduce him to Will Riker,
Will's questions will be answered." Lwaxana's smile was bright. "This
may have been the most productive function I've given in a long time."
With that Lwaxana went back to ordering the crew where to place an
uncooperative Danaalli plant.
***************
	The argument in the ready room had been going on for several
minutes. "Commander, you can not run up here to the Bridge and hide
every time there is a social event on board. I expect you at the
reception in one hour and I expect you to be your old charming self."
Picard's frustration was growing with his younger First Officer.  Will
Riker was nearly 40 years old, but sometimes to Picard he seemed much
younger. "Look," he said in a gentler voice, "Will, it has been almost a
year. You have got to let her go and get on with your life. There are
other..." He regretted the words as soon as they were spoken.
	"No. Captain. I'll know when that time comes, if it comes, but
it hasn't arrived yet. I'll go tonight, but a Betazed reception hosted
by Lwaxana Troi is hardly a function I want to be at. Surely you
understand."	
	" Commander, a Betazed reception hosted by Lwaxana Troi is hardly a
function I want to be at, but we must make sacrifices for our chosen
careers." Picard caught his breath. "However, perhaps this not the best
social event to have you start with. If I let you off the hook this
time, I expect that next time there is a function on the Enterprise, I
get the bridge and you play host."
	"Deal, Captain." Riker started to leave and turned slowly back
to Picard. "Thank you."
	Picard simply waved him off.  Beverly had been badgering him to
convince Will to go tonight, but he didn't have the heart to force Will
Riker to endure, what Picard knew would be a very painful evening.
	Later, after the evening shift change and when Commander Riker
knew the reception was long since over, he hesitantly entered the
ten-forward lounge. He stopped inside the high doors and looked from
side to side. He let out an audible sigh of relief when he found the
lounge empty with the exception of Guinan and one civilian at the
bar.	
	"Commander, come here.  I have someone who has been waiting to
meet you."  Guinan walked from behind the bar and caught Riker by the
arm.  She pulled him to a seat with more force than he would have
thought she possessed.	
	"This is Gerard from the 3rd House of Betazed.  I told him of
your interest in Betazed philosophy and he has been waiting to discuss
it with you." With the introductions over, Guinan suddenly disappeared. 
Will looked down though and realized somehow an ale was by his hand on
the bar.
	"I'm sorry, Gerard. I'm really too tired to discuss philosophy
right now. I just worked two shifts straight, but I guess you know that
already."
	"How would I know that? Oh, I understand. You think that I am
telepathic.  No, no.  I married into the third house some fifteen years
ago.  My wife is Betazed, I am from Dayton."
	"Dayton?" Will smiled.  "Where is Dayton?"
	"Earth. Ohio.  Middle of the north American continent, 100 miles
below Lake Erie." Gerard kept adding geographical detail until finally
Will smiled in recognition.
	"Oh, sorry.  I told you I was tired."
	"Right." Gerard took a sip of his drink. "Actually, I wanted a
chance to speak to you.  You are the first human I've known who...."
Gerard looked furtively around "has an Imzadi too." Gerard stared at his
drink in embarrassment. Acknowledging you were the Imzadi to a person
was a very personal admission since it implied a great deal about the
relationship.  On Betazed of course, telepaths picked up immediately on
the relationship, but it was something that was not mentioned generally
to people who were not Betazoid.
	"How did?" Riker looked around. Guinan was no where to be seen.
"Right. Guinan told you."
	"I'm sorry. Actually, Guinan pulled me out of the reception and
she started asking me questions about Imzadi couples.  I thought she was
telepathic and had read my thoughts so I told her my wife was my Imzadi
before I realized she was just asking in general, not specifically about
us." 
	Riker stared at the ale. "What is it like?"
	"You must know."
	"No, what is like to be married to your Imzadi?"
	"Oh." Gerard's smile. "If you think that it is incredible now,
it only gets more so after the bonding."
	"What bonding?"
	"After the marriage ceremony.  The bonding ceremony.  Surely
your Imzadi told you about the bonding ceremony." Gerard watched Riker
with disbelief.
	"Gerard.  Guinan may have forgotten to tell you that my 'Imzadi'
has a romantic relationship with another man right now."
	Gerard just stared at Riker as if he could not understand the words.
"That's terrible. Why do you allow that?"	
	"Why do I? I didn't 'allow' it.  It's not like my permission was
asked. Why did I allow it?  Because she doesn't believe I can balance a
Starfleet career and a life with her. Because I thought she meant it
when she said if we took things slowly we would know when it was time to
renew our relationship. Because, because I wanted her happiness more
than mine."  
	Gerard's face reflected his compassion. "Commander. Betazoids
can never be 'happy' in the sense of the word that you and I understand
it. Guinan tells me you have been studying Betazoid philosophy from a
book, but there are things that the books will not tell you about your
responsibilities as your wife's Imzadi."
	"Responsibilities?"
	"Yes. As her Imzadi, you have no competition for her attention. 
She has imprinted on you and you on her. She can only be with another if
you do nothing to prevent it.  No one else can bring the harmony that
she craves as well as you." Gerard watched Riker carefully before he
continued. "Betazoids live in a world of emotions that they are forever
trying to balance.  It is foolish to worry about making your Imzadi
happy. If you wait until she is happy, you will wait forever. The state
of being happy is an impossibility with a Betazoid.  Any single emotion
could only be experienced for a fleeting moment. Peace is what they
strive to achieve. They exist in a world full of emotions and experience
all to some degree at all times.  Balancing emotions helped them achieve
the peace they crave.  Their philosophies are full of the search for
harmony. Vulcans suppressed their emotions through logic, Betazoids
managed their emotions by balancing one against the other.
	Your responsibility as an Imzadi is to help her balance emotions
that others impose on her. A Betazoid always tries to bring emotions
into equilibrium, but of course they can never remain that way for too
long. Helping her achieve this is a strain at first - at least I found
it very tiring. Now though I do it almost without thinking.  If I, if
we, were Betazoids, then our Imzadis would do the same for us.  Still,
if you concentrate or focus on an emotion, her empathic senses will pick
up on it and achieve the same effect. She just can't do the same for
you.  That means she will often feel that she can't satisfy you. You
have to reassure her that she does bring you fulfillment, even if she
doesn't have the ability to instantly counterbalance or accentuate every
emotion for you. It helps lesson her feelings of pity towards you since
your perceptions of emotions are so faint."
,	Riker thought about Gerard's statement.  Why hadn't Deanna ever
explained this to him? She was so young when they had bonded, and she
rarely went to Lwaxana for advice.  Was it possible that she didn't
exactly know herself?  That seemed unlikely.  Still people had told him
she had led a very sheltered life before meeting him and since then the
majority of her experiences had been with other species. She also had a
unique ability to see all the problems everyone else was having, but not
to recognize her own.  He remembered when she lost her empathic
abilities once when the Enterprise was caught in a cloud of
two-dimensional life-forms, she did not handle her disability very well.
	Riker looked hard at Gerard, "What about aggression?"
	"If you act aggressively toward her?" Gerard was shocked by the
question.
	"No," explained Riker, "if someone were to act aggressively toward
her."
	"Oh. If she feels aggression from someone, then she immediately
will try to balance that emotion with submissive feelings."
	"But what are you saying, if she feels love, I should focus on
feelings of hate!"
	"No, of course not, but love comes in many forms.  If she is
aroused, how do you escalate that arousal?"
	Will didn't know, but he wanted to find out. He waited. Gerard
sat there watching him. Will leaned forward, his voice low and
conspiratorial. "I don't know. Are you going to tell me?"
	Gerard eyes sparkled as he chuckled at Will's interest. "You
focus on a different shade of a similar emotion, focus on tender
feelings, or bring to the surface your admiration for her - attributes. 
Focusing on related, positive emotions, fuels those emotions."
	"So if she is experiencing negative emotions, I can focus on
positive emotions to help her achieve equilibrium, but if she is
experiencing positive emotions, and I focus on related emotions then she
will feel those emotions even more strongly."
	"Exactly!" Gerard smiled, tipping his glass to Riker.
	"But why don't I just focus on the same emotion.  That would be
easier."
	"For a Betazoid, building emotions is like painting.  If you
bring to the forefront of your mind the same emotions your Imzadi is
experiencing, then that is like painting an entire canvas with the same
color blue.  If you focus on a related emotion, then you add shades of
color to the blue making the painting much more enjoyable. Didn't you
ever visit the art museum on Betazed?"
	"Yes.  I told Deanna the paintings were too abstract for me."
	"Pornography!"
	"What?" 
	"Once you understand the fact that the paintings reflect the
emotional responses of a Betazoid, you realize most of the paintings are
about love-making."
	Will stared at Gerard.  His eyebrows went up and the smile spread
across his face.  "You are kidding!"
	"That's what my wife told me. Seems artists everywhere are
preoccupied with the subject." The two laughed together for several
minutes. "So Commander, are you going to go back to Betazed now and
claim your Imzadi?"
	"I thought you knew."
	"Knew what?" Gerard looked blankly at Riker.
	Riker looked off for a minute and then turned back to Gerard.
"My Imzadi is on board the ship."
	Gerard still stared at Riker, mentally reviewing the guest list
from the reception to guess which girl Riker could be referring to.
	"She 'serves' on board the ship." Will emphasized.
	Gerard's face fell.  "Deanna Troi!  From the Fifth House!  Lwaxana's
daughter! The girl with the Klingon!" Gerard's face puckered up in
disbelief. "You have a problem!" 
	"Yes. My sentiments exactly." Riker downed his ale.
	The two men talked through the entire night and were huddled in
a corner laughing together when Guinan returned the next morning. "Now
the fun begins." she murmured to herself.

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