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If Cars Were Like Computers

What If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers?

General Motors doesn't have a help line for people who don't know how to drive, because people don't buy cars like they buy computers, but imagine if they did...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I got in my car and closed the door and nothing happened!"

HelpLine: "Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?"

Customer: "What's an ignition?"

HelpLine: "It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and turns over the engine."

Customer: "Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all these technical terms just to use my car?"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car ran fine for a week and now it won't go anywhere!"

HelpLine: "Is the gas tank empty?"

Customer: "Huh? How do I know?"

HelpLine: "There's a little gauge on the front panel with a needle and markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where is the needle pointing?"

Customer: "It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?"

HelpLine: "It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to install it for you."

Customer: "What? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me that I have to keep buying more components? I want a car that comes with everything built in!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Your cars suck!"

HelpLine: "What's wrong?"

Customer: "It crashed, that's what wrong!"

HelpLine: "What were you doing?"

Customer: "I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while and then it crashed and it won't start now!

HelpLine: "It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you expect us to do about it?"

Customer: "I want you to send me one of the latest version that doesn't crash any more!"

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "Hi, I just bought my first car, and I chose your car because it has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power brakes, and power door locks."

HelpLine: "Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I work it?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "Do I know how to what?"

HelpLine: "Do you know how to drive?"

Customer: "I'm not a technical person. I just want to go places in my car!"

Now just imagine if General Motors built cars like Microsoft writes software, and that the same people who answer the phones at Microsoft were answering the General Motors helpline...

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I can get in through the driver's side door just fine, but I can't open the passenger's side."

HelpLine: "How did you try to open the passenger's side?"

Customer: "I pulled up on the handle, just like on the other side."

HelpLine: "People are always making that mistake. You have to push on the passenger's side. Remember, you're always moving the handle toward the left of the car. It's more consistent that way."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "How do I turn my windshield wipers on?"

HelpLine: "There's a little button on the radio console..."

Customer: "Radio console??"

HelpLine: "Yes, it's more efficient to have all the controls in one central position. Look for the one with a shape like a piece of pie on it."

Customer: "And that's the windshield wiper button? I was always wondering what that did."

HelpLine: "People are always asking that. You'd think they'd be more familiar with the principles of graphic design."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car will go forward, but when I put it in reverse, nothing happens."

HelpLine: "What model do you have?"

Customer: "It's a brand new 1994 Mongoose."

HelpLine: "Yes, but it is a 1994R with a big R or 1994r with a small r?"

Customer: "I don't know. Let me find out and I'll call you back."

HelpLine: "Alright, but let me tell you you've probably got the small r model. You'll need to upgrade to the big R version to go in reverse."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "I just called about the car that wouldn't go in reverse."

HelpLine: "Well, yes, we get a lot of calls about that."

Customer: "It turns out I have the small r model. But I bought the one with the 'Reverse gear option'."

HelpLine: "Yes, that's the option to upgrade to a reverse gear."

Customer: "Why don't they all just come with a reverse gear in the first place?"

HelpLine: "Well, that's very difficult to do, even for our world-class engineers, and not everyone may want it. Also, it makes the car more complicated to drive. So we offer it as an option to our 'power drivers'."

Customer: "How come all the Jupiters have had it standard since 1974?"

HelpLine: "Ahem. Well, yes, they're not a market leader, they're just for people who really like working on cars. If you really want to get involved in those kinds of complicated details, go right ahead..."

HelpLine: "General Motors HelpLine, how can I help you?"

Customer: "My car just caught fire!"

HelpLine: "I see. And what model was it?"

Customer: "1994r Mongoose."

HelpLine: "Big or small..."

Customer: "...small r."

HelpLine: "And your registration number?"

Customer: "426917-woof-271828-arf-314159-spam."

HelpLine: "And where did you buy your car?"

Customer: "Fast Eddie's Sports-o-rama in Glendale."

HelpLine: "And what was the name of the salesman?"

Customer: "I don't remember."

HelpLine: "I see. Are you sure you didn't steal this car?"

Customer: "Of course I didn't steal it!"

HelpLine: "And would you be interested in purchasing our extended service contract...?"

[ The Humor Library ] If Cars Were Like Computers
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