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The Humor Library |
Big Bird Killed In "Angel Dust" Rampage
NEW YORK, 2:55am
Big Bird, the famed friendly muppet of Sesame Street, had apparently gone on a rampage. Several muppets are known to be dead, including Prarie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, and Bert -- long time friend, roommate and occasional lover of Ernie.
The bird is now reportedly holding Maria hostage in a five floor tenement near Hooper's Store. New York City Police and SWAT teams have surrounded the building.
4:26am
Big Bird, Sesame Street muppet, is reported dead at this hour after an hour-and-a half hostage standoff with New York City Police. Kermit The Frog, Sesame Street Muppet on the scene, reports that as police stormed the five story tenement building where the bird was holding Maria hostage, Big Bird flew out an upper story window at them in a Kamikaze-like attack. Police SWAT units brought down the bird in a hail of automatic weapons fire. Dead are: Prairie Dawn, Oscar the Grouch, Bert and Big Bird. There is no information available concerning Maria.
8:47am
The Professor and his assistant, Beaker, muppet chemists, have reportedly found angel dust in Big Bird's feed. Big Bird was killed by police early this morning after the bird went on a killing spree on Sesame Street. Maria, taken hostage during the ordeal, had survived unharmed. Three muppets were killed by the bird: Prairie Dawn (a friendly, pig-tailed muppet girl-child), Oscar the Grouch (a green garbage can dwelling grumpy muppet) and Bert (the famous gay paper-clip collector and pigeon friend). Authorities in the area report that the bad seed was purchased at the local Hooper's.
11:15am
Police are asking all motorists and humans to stay away from Sesame Street today as tensions are running high among the muppets. Many reportedly are outraged at the tainted food supply and at how the police handled the hostage situation. According to bystanders on the scene at the time, Mr. Snuffalupagus pleaded with police to be allowed to talk Big Bird down. Instead, police stormed the building with deadly results. Ernie is said to be despondent over the loss of his good buddy Bert.
5:25pm
Violence erupted again on Sesame Street at five o'clock this afternoon. As thousands of humans driving home took a sightseeing tour of the scene of Big Bird's deadly rampage, muppets became enraged. Hundreds of muppets, large and small, stalked the streets and surrounded humans in their cars. In at least one case, ten muppets pulled a motorist from his car and beat him with large, styrafoam letters. Police again arrived on the scene in force. At this hour, quiet is restored -- but tensions are very high.
1:47am, the following day.
Police and fire units have been called to Sesame Street. Reporters on the scene describe a nightmarish atmosphere. Furry muppets ranging in size from only inches to seven feet in height are looting Hooper's Store and firebombing the entire neighborhood. Card board backdrops, props, and storehouses full of numbers and letters are burning to the ground. Muppets are taunting firemen and police from windows high above the street with counting and alphabet songs.
9:24am
Morning light has brought an eerie calm to Sesame Street after a night of rioting. Smoke rises from most buildings. In the street, lifeless, crumpled fur lies in mute testament of the night of wild outrage. Unknown numbers of muppets have died or been shot to death by police in full riot gear. Here and there, a muppet -- still animated with life -- can be seen staring at the wreckage, or sweeping vacantly at the rubble. The Count was reported running down the street crying and yelling, "Ten, ten lifeless muppet bodies!" No humans were killed in the rioting, although several people reported rug burns.
3:45pm, the next day
Ernie, gay friend and roommate of the murdered muppet Bert, broke his two day silence today with a eulogy address at a mass muppet funeral. The following is the complete transcript of his address:
"I come here today to honor a man I loved. A man who was loved by millions throughout the world. Bert was a giant among muppets. His paper-clip collection was viewed with awe by many of the world's leaders. Just one year ago, as President Clinton campaigned on Sesame Street for the muppet vote, it was Bert who everyone turned to for advice. It was Bert who told us all, 'Anyone who can hang as many paper-clips together as Bill Clinton, can certainly run the country.'
"I also come here to honor Big Bird. Bird was such a loving creature. His large size and bright color alarmed many who first met him, but it was his innocent and curious nature which taught us all to love him. Bird wouldn't have wanted us to remember him, or to memorialize him, with violence. All he ever wanted was for all creatures to just 'get along' with each other. Big Bird has come to a bad end, friends, but it wasn't his fault. It was just some bad seed."
© 1995, AP Online.
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