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Translations for the Workplace

Employer Talk

What Employers SayWhat They Really Mean
Entry-level positionYou'll be making under $7 an hour.
Entry-level position in an up-and-coming companyYou'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.
An up-and-coming software companyWe want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.
Profit-sharing planOnce it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit.
Competitive salaryWe remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced companyWe have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers.
Nationally recognized leaderInc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since.
Immediate openingThe person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.
Sales position requiring motivated self-starterWe're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.
Self-motivatedManagement won't answer questions.
We offer great benefits After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay.
Pension/retirement benefitsAfter 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution.
Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard working, people...Who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries.
Casual work atmosphereWe don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Competitive environmentWe have a lot of turnover.
Exciting and professional work environmentGuys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts.
Join our dynamic teamWe all listen to nutty motivational tapes.
Fun work environmentYour coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them.
A drug-free work environmentWe booze it up at company parties.
Must be deadline orientedYou'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some public relations requiredIf we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it.
Some overtime requiredSome time each night and some time each weekend.
Salary range $24k-$32kWe'll offer you $22k to start.
A highly visible position You'll give boring speeches on your own time.
Flexible hoursWork 40 hours; get paid for 25.
Duties will varyAnyone in the office can boss you around.
Where employees feel valuedThose who missed the last round of layoffs, that is.
Must have an eye for detailWe have no quality control.
College degree preferredUnless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion.
Career-mindedFemale applicants must must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in personIf you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls pleaseWe've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experienceYou'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills a mustYou're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skillsYou'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good communication skillsManagement communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
Ability to handle a heavy workloadYou whine, you're fired.
Aspirations for growth within our company We loooooove brown-nosers.

Applicant Speak

What Job Applicants SayWhat They Really Mean
I know how to deal with stressful situationsI'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skillsI talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organizationI've used Microsoft Office.
I'm honest, hard-working and dependable I pilfer office supplies.
My pertinent work experience includesI hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.
I take pride in my work I blame others for my mistakes.
I'm balanced and centered I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room.
I have a sense of humor I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
I'm personable I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm willing to relocate As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better.
I'm extremely professional I carry a Day-Timer.
My background and skills match your requirementsYou're probably looking for someone more experienced.
I am adaptable I've changed jobs a lot.
I am always on the go I'm never at my desk.
I'm highly motivated to succeed The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
I have formal training I'm a college drop-out.
I interact well with co-workers I've been accused of sexual harassment.
Thank you for your time and considerationWait! Don't throw me away!
I look forward to hearing from you soon Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career."

[ The Humor Library ] Translations for the Workplace
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