|The Humor Library|
Translations for the Workplace
What Employers Say What They Really Mean Entry-level position You'll be making under $7 an hour. Entry-level position in an up-and-coming company You'll be making under $7 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year. An up-and-coming software company We want you to get your hopes up, but there's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft. Profit-sharing plan Once it's shared between the higher-ups, there won't be a profit. Competitive salary We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors. Join our fast-paced company We have no time to train you; you'll have to introduce yourself to your co-workers. Nationally recognized leader Inc. Magazine wrote us up a few years ago, but we haven't done anything innovative since. Immediate opening The person who used to have this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad. Sales position requiring motivated self-starter We're not going to supply you with leads; there's no base salary; you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check. Self-motivated Management won't answer questions. We offer great benefits After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $25 co-pay. Pension/retirement benefits After 3 years, we'll allow you to fund your own 401(k) and, if you behave, we'll give you a 5 percent matching contribution. Seeking enthusiastic, fun, hard working, people ...Who still live with their parents and won't mind our internship-level salaries. Casual work atmosphere We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings. Competitive environment We have a lot of turnover. Exciting and professional work environment Guys in gray suits will bore you with tales of squash and their weekends on yachts. Join our dynamic team We all listen to nutty motivational tapes. Fun work environment Your coworkers will be insulted if you don't drink with them. A drug-free work environment We booze it up at company parties. Must be deadline oriented You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day. Some public relations required If we're in trouble, you'll go on TV and get us out of it. Some overtime required Some time each night and some time each weekend. Salary range $24k-$32k We'll offer you $22k to start. A highly visible position You'll give boring speeches on your own time. Flexible hours Work 40 hours; get paid for 25. Duties will vary Anyone in the office can boss you around. Where employees feel valued Those who missed the last round of layoffs, that is. Must have an eye for detail We have no quality control. College degree preferred Unless you wasted those four years studying something useless like philosophy, English or religion. Career-minded Female applicants must must be childless (and remain that way). Apply in person If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled. No phone calls please We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality. Seeking candidates with a wide variety of experience You'll need it to replace three people who just left. Problem-solving skills a must You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos. Requires team leadership skills You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect. Good communication skills Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it. Ability to handle a heavy workload You whine, you're fired. Aspirations for growth within our company We loooooove brown-nosers.
What Job Applicants Say What They Really Mean I know how to deal with stressful situations I'm usually on Prozac. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks. I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do. I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization I've used Microsoft Office. I'm honest, hard-working and dependable I pilfer office supplies. My pertinent work experience includes I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had. I take pride in my work I blame others for my mistakes. I'm balanced and centered I'll keep crystals at my desk and do Tai Chi in the lunch room. I have a sense of humor I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly. I'm personable I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers. I'm willing to relocate As I leave San Quentin, anywhere is better. I'm extremely professional I carry a Day-Timer. My background and skills match your requirements You're probably looking for someone more experienced. I am adaptable I've changed jobs a lot. I am always on the go I'm never at my desk. I'm highly motivated to succeed The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there. I have formal training I'm a college drop-out. I interact well with co-workers I've been accused of sexual harassment. Thank you for your time and consideration Wait! Don't throw me away! I look forward to hearing from you soon Like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career."
This is a dead web site. I have moved my web presence to several different sites:
Please visit me there instead. Thanks!
-- Michael, October 2000