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The Humor Library |
The following was extracted from an unknown newsgroup. Each paragraph is apparently from a person who wrote only one of the paragraphs in the excerpt.
Note: occasionally, such a discussion will degenerate to the point where someone pulls out their combination switchblade/sliderule, and blood is spilled...
Nerd One-Upmanship
Right! I run System V on my VIC-20!
Hmmmm...well, I am getting SVR4 for my HP 48SX...
HA! _I'm_ just finishing up a port of VMS for my Timex Sinclair!
I'm running NextStep on Atari 2600 Video Game System.
Just last night I was able to get Windows to boot on my Sears PONG game.
I am replying to this message with my built-in VAX Mailer on my Game-Boy. I just installed a 10 Gigabyte Drive to handle all the replies! However, it only runs at 230,000 Baud due to the large drive slowing it down.
I fear I will not be getting news any longer... The batteries on my calculator-watch are running out.
My calculator-watch is solar... And if I turned off the lights, NO ONE would be getting news...
Feh. I'm so slick NASA just awarded ME the TERADATA contract to run on my TV remote! They liked my proposal mainly because I'm ALSO able to shoehorn in the TEXAS SUPERCOLLIDER computations between commercials! Beat THAT!
Well, well, well. SSC calculations, huh. I built a system out of 2 inches of wire, 3 pennies and a AA battery that does realtime calculations of particle vectors during the Big Bang. A complete simulation of the first 2 years of the life of the universe, accurate to the theoretical limit, takes about 5 seconds.
And you guys think you are so great. I just spent the last half hour getting X11 to run on my slide rule. I am still having problems connecting it to the net around here, but I would welcome any suggestions.
So what!!! I'm running Xinitrc, TWMRC, Internet, and 27 muds off of a paperclip. Not to mention the fact that I am designing a new form of television with 7000 pixels based off a piece of tissue paper.
Man, that's baby stuff. I'm running a particle accelerator utilizing matter-antimatter reactions in my doorknob, and calculating everything in the fourth dimension using a single dip switch and a large glass of water.
Child's play, I have an old piece of cheese that is, at this very moment, raytracing an actual model of the universe five hours from now, while at the same time calculating the heat produced from the new Intel Pentium.
And you people think that you are hackers! I'm currently engaged in a project which involves simultaneous simulation of multiple universes (To see what would happen if various constants change. Pi=8.4 is an interesting one.) My hardware consists of a single wooden pencil (no paper). With it, I can do real-time simulations of 2^32 universes in parallel.
You guys are wimps!! I've just finished converting a microwave oven into a paradimensional teleportation device. The only problem I'm having so far is that my breakfast bagel keeps disappearing!! May have to eat it raw...
Sorry, that's my fault. I'm afraid that the high-energy laser-pumped negentropic vortex generator I made from my own nostril hair, which is currently cranking out entire new universes at the rate of 7.6 per picosecond, was breaking the FCC emissions limits and gronking your microwave's control panel. It should work properly now. Also, my cat Arthur was FTPing hundreds of terabytes of PD software from Epsilon Eridani in the year 4741 A.D. over the faster-than-light Ethernet interface I built for him, and this may have been loading the Net a little yesterday. My sincere apologies to everyone who noticed any performance degradation.
This page last built using Frontier and a Macintosh by Michael A. Alderete on 10/16/97.
IMPORTANT NOTE
This is a dead web site. I have moved my web presence to several different sites:
Please visit me there instead. Thanks!
-- Michael, October 2000