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The Alpine Inquirer!
Here's the latest exciting Alpine news, from the 2003 (& 2004) commissioner's desk...

July 2003: News from 'beyond'

Alpiner sighting in Montana!
Fishin' (or just Wishin' ?)

 

 

May 21: Yellowstone NEWSFLASH! Commish Jim, and fellow commissioners,

"BIG BLUE" groaned this morning at 6:00am, when I turned her over in
13F temperatures. My journey to the MSU campus in Bozeman was an icy one....one car was over-turned down a bank.



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***********note-->
...signs of genuine CONCERN! about Fiancee visa status!

Twenty minutes later, I had the rescue squad pass me (in the opposite direction), heading towards the accident. Not a good place to make a driving error....right Ed !!
The INS photo, required of me, can only be taken in Bozeman (closest
place...Kinko's), that's 110 miles one way. Oh, the price you pay to live
in this place. But, the smiling faces of the MSU coeds, getting "BIG BLUE"
lubed at Jiffy Lube, buying a table at WalMart for fly tying in my
apartment, and a stop at the "Cats Paw" makes the dangerous ride, $1.95 gas, and poor radio reception all worth it ....NOT.

YNP news is baby bison everywhere. There were 8 babies playing behind my office two days ago; butting heads, running around like Jimmy (commish) at Disney World...pretending to be "big-bison". The only odd thing in my job world is the "gay" activity. I guess they all fagot (oops! sorry) FORGOT who the Personnel Mgr. is this year at OFI. So far, in just 1 1/2 weeks of being open to the public, I've fired two, and the next is getting the axe today by my asst. Jenny. It seems as though the gay ommunity in the Park thinks it's O.K. to play "grab-ass" and "grab other things" at the employee pub.

Yesterday, I fired a "Richard Simmons" wannabe, who WAS our diningroom mgr. at the Inn, for sexually harassing a cook at the pub. He was sure his excuse of "....I was so drunk I can't remember..." was going to get him a warning...NOT. "My families lawyer will sue this company...bla, bla, bla..." as the Park Rangers escorted him out of my office on assault charges. "They" were much better when "they" were being predators "in the closet". If he had done the same thing at the "Happy Hour Bar"(HHB) in Idaho, he'd be swimming with the fishes in Hebgen Lake.

On a more manly note, I'll be fishing near the HHB this afternoon and tomorrow. The rainbows are spawning, and the cold temperatures are keeping the fisherman in the bars. Having Monday and Tuesday off also helps keep the fishing pressure down. Also from the employee news, last week at 4:30am, an Inn cook got his ass kicked by a big bison. He's back to work, and has a good story to tell. SCORE: Bison-1 Employees-0.

--"crime-stopper" Bill
ps: Ed, I'll probably call John G. soon. I looked over the papers...only a few questions...I also have the 1-800 INS # for the process.

May 2003 'News from Beyond' - Yellowstone update, from the most westernly alpiner:

Commish & fellow Alpiners:

Hammered 'um on the Yellowstone River in Paridise Valley yesterday. All on dry flies. From 3:00 to 5:00 the water was covered in caddis flies, every fish in the river was feeding. All of the trout were brownies...and most were fat and long....mouths were puking up caddis....PIGS!
My drive from Mammoth down to OFI this morning was spectacular....saw 27 baby bison.
One of our employees got the crap beat out of him by a mother bison yesterday. He thought he was far enough away from the mother and her baby....NOT!! Broken ribs,head injury, punctured lung......a good ol' ass kicking.

Eddy, I sent an e-mail to John G. about the visa stuff. I haven't gotten a reply, do you think I should just call him or wait? Simona has the papers in the mail, so I should be getting them shortly, a few pointers from John would help.
The weather here is still cold. We got some snow last night and I'm still in long pants. My days off are from noon on Sunday until noon on Wednesday....so if anyone is coming out this way, I'm available to play on those days....with the option to stretching the weekend to four days.

ps: Proudly wearing my APTT shirt/hat whenever possible.....wore the shirt while addressing the employees at the "ALL LOCATION" meeting....many inquries about "WINTER TENNIS"

-- Bill "fishy boy"

April 2003 'News from Beyond' - Buffalo Bill's Yellowstone newsflash:

Greetings Commish (Jim C.) and fellow Alpiners:

Last evening, as I was periodically gazing out of my "penthouse" suite, while reading the "Use & Care" manual for my Self-Cleaning Gas Range, I saw Sophia eating grass with her mother.

Sophia, the first baby bison of the season at the OFI location, is never far away from mom's teat. There have been two snow storms in the last 9 days. Yesterday was an 8" "white out", buffalo covered with snow, steam coming out of their snouts.....life is grand.

Fishing will start for me next week, been a little busy lately. A drive out to the "HAPPY HOUR BAR" on Hebgan Lake will be in order this afternoon(day off). attn. Ed, Simona might be sending you an email on K-1 visa information...it's a visa form 1-130 "Petition for Relative or Fiancee"......I'm looking into it by phone. I'm sure Jimmy is doing a great job of leading the troops!!!!

Billko

March, 2003: Mouths drop at shocking announcement
of the NEW 2003 Commissioner, at the fabulous Alpine banquet on April 5, 2003: Out with the old!

Good bye, Ed . . . helloooo, Jimmy Curran!

 

Getting frisky, on the NYC bar tour:


 

 

 

 

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  • Winter, 2002: XTREME TENNIS! Second major injury this season: Poor Rich broke his collarbone - get well soon, Rich!
    Ricky Woods is still on the mend from a dislocated shoulder. Hope to see you out there again soon . . . let's try a 2003 without broken alpiner bones.
  • 2002 Annual NYC Bar tour: 9 innings. The 2002 Lucky Bars...
    • Pete's Tavern, Irving Place - 12 noon... one down in the first inning.
    • Doc Holiday, 3rd and Avenue A - 2nd inning, censored event
    • Sidewalk Cafe, 6th and Avenue A - 2 for 1 drinks, wow!
    • Puck Fair, Lafayette and Houston - after a rest, Frenchie's back!
    • Pravda, Lafayette St. (?) - Commissioner downs 4 martinis, yikes.
    • Spring Street Lounge and Lombardi Pizza combo: yum!, Spring and Lafayette
    • Balthazaar - celebrity sighting! Ed gets the chief from CSI's barstool
    • Morgan's Bar, 38th street - getting quite ugly now...
    • Asia de Cuba at the Morgan Hotel... and then a dead sleep
  • Early Oct 2002: snow falls on westernly alpiner: Alpiners, The first official snow was recorded at 11:30am, Oct. 1st. One full foot print, with snow above the sole. It snowed all day and most of the night, along with howling winds. This morning was 21F, with a predicted high of 39F. My fishing this morning, on the Yellowstone River in Paridise Valley, was canceled after an hour by snow turning to rain with a cold wind. The day was saved by a long stay at the "Old Saloon" along the river***....buy one Bloody Mary for $3, get one free. Two more weeks to go, then it's the journey back to Pa.
    -- X-commish, Billy
  • Aug 2002: Update from 'beyond' -- westernly Alpiner scares crap out of a baby moose!
    Dear Commish/fellow Alpiners, Going on a "Bar Tour/Fishing trip" for the next four days. Got some beauties picked out and there will always be some surprizes. I can't always get the "Alpine" news on these library computers, something about downloading ?????, but I did get all of the news, etc. from Kirsten's laptop in Gardiner last week.

    The elk are back in herds, I had to take the "long-way" around to the Snow Lodge to get my bacon/eggs this morning. Mating season coming soon! Had a baby moose pop out of the bushes, just a few yards away while fishing the Madison River last week, cute little guy, scared the crap out of him.
    -- Buffalo Billy

  • Aug 2002: News from 'beyond' -- the most westernly Alpiner meets Laura Bush's bomb-sniffing dog in Yellowstone!!! Here's the low-down from roving reporter, Buffalo Billy:

    Ahoy fellow alpiners,
    The rain in Europe must be the result of all that "water weight" JD lost. Remember, matter doesn't go away, it just relocates. Still catching lots of big fish and researching bars in all the the hamlets I visit on my way to the next fishing spot.

    Saw the window installation pictures. Ms. Commish, wonderful job, you and the window are the best addition to the "Alpine-Family" in many,many years. Laura Bush was here (OF INN) for a few days with some of her highschool buddies. Twenty-nine SS agents, bomb sniffing dog(I met the dog), and they took up 26 rooms at the Inn.

    The big news from here is the renovation construction taking place next year at the Old Faithful Inn. It will close down Sept. 9th, 2003 and reopen June 1st 2004. Then, it'll be the same early close in 2004 and LATE opening in 2005.....until 2006. I'll have the option to work elsewhere in the Park OR just work the "short" season??? Easy answer to that one...Take the short season, then fish and travel for a month and a half (all this work...four days a week...is cutting into my fishing time). Sounds like the "Tour" is healthy under Commish Ed (gee...I wonder who picked him...?).

    Congrats to LeAnna, Hannah will be kicking Ray's ass in tennis, by 2014. I'm doing this e-mail on a lap-top in a house (my boss from four years ago), which overlooks the Gardiner, Mt. valley. I'll be doing a "Bloody Mary" lunch at the OLD SALOON in Paradise Valley and then fish until dark. Sorry for the length of this e-mail, but it's nice to e-mail without a mean spirited, public librarian yelling "......you on computer # 3, your time is up, GET OFF NOW!!!...we have people waiting.....". Buffalo Billy
    June 2002: Exciting new Alpine stained glass window installed! Finally, a flimsy answer to 'what does she DO with ALL her time?!'
  • Alpiner's 'Masculin Garden' featured on College Hill's June Garden Tour!
  • May 15, 2002: Email Wars . . . The Case of McDonald's Coffee Crotch Spill:
    'Alpine Crossfire' . . . score: Lawyers= 1, Dante= 1

    Executive Summary
    When last we left it, our Attorney Commissioner circulated the case point, a detailed account of how McD's had prior burn cases and chose to continue serving drive-up customers scalding hot coffee. Dante responeed with a counter-point on gourmet coffee-brewing ethics, citing sweetmarias.com recommendations for the best coffee to be brewed at approx. 200 degrees.

    Reaction from the Range; our exclusive Yellowstone Reporter, Bill Glaus:
    Commish Eddy, The only coffee I want to spill,is on my way to an early morning fishing trip, to Paradise Valley on the Yellowstone, because an elk jump out in front of my van. That's where I'm headed tomorrow after a "Plow-Boy Special" breakfast. The caddis hatch,north of the Park, is thick(the report from my boss "the river-keeper", her house over-looks the Yellowstone). I'll be sipping beer at the OLD SALOON in Paradise Valley, after dark. Come on out in the fall with the misses. I understand 'BIG' Jim lost 40 pds. of water weight; So that's where all that beer went????? ---- X-Commish
  • May 14, 2002: Alpine Commisioner turns 40! Birthday subterfuge at Riegelsville Inn -- thanks for coming everyone; what a great surprise!!
  • May 7, 2002......... Third Alpine Challenge ends in Rout.
    "Dangerous" Jeffrey Glaus and Ed "The Commish" Shaughnessy whipped through Ray "Senor Smoke" Carillo and Rich "My partner smokes loads" McMullen in a swift 45 minutes to win the Third Alpine Challenge Match 6-1, 6-3.
    Halfway into the second set, the Victors were sitting in lounge chairs deep inside Ray's head as he threw and banged his racket at the net. Jeff Glaus was heard to remark " It was awful smoky and there were black lights....I can't remember much else for some reason."

    The Commish vaguely recalls the sounds of a Mariachi band echoing and echoing throughout the weirdly empty space.... After the match, Captain Carillo mused whether they should play with different partners next time. Interestingly, this seemed to bring a smile to his partner's face.....
  • TRIUMPHANT RETURN!
    On Sunday May 5, 2002, Big Jim Doran made a glorious return to the courts after a lengthy hiatus. Showing the zippy serve and spin antics that made him famous, Jimmy "The King" Doran partnered with The Commish to run off a day high string of 8 straight wins before their competitors quit in frustration. Yes my fellow Alpiners........... QUIT.
    It was a dark day for the tour as Jimmy Curran, Ray Carillo and Rich McMullen refused to play anymore at 12:55 p.m. According to "The King" the vanquished forfeited their next 10 matches, and The Commish and The King now hold the all-time streak record at 18 matches....
    April 23rd championship match results:
    Dateline April 23, 2002.........Six in the evening......
    ALPINE CHALLENGE MATCH #2 Jeff "El Jefe" Glaus and Ed "The Commish" Shaughnessy defeat Ray "Senor Slow" Carillo and Rich "My partner smokes more dope than me" McMullen, 7-5, 4-6, 6-3 in twilight showdown..... After trailing 0-3 in final set, El Jefe and The Commish run off six straight games to topple rivals and win third set 6-3..... Senor Slow rolls to weak finish as the 2X vanquished have tough time with a Glaus resurgent serve...... A coed at Alpine Clubhouse, Campus Pizza, later muses to Senor Slow, "You may look 50, but you don't move as well as 50......"
    April 24 Yellowstone report, from on-the-scene-in-Yellowstone Park Alpine reporter, Bill Glaus:
    4" of snow last night, 7F temp.
    It's getting warmer today,sunny, buffalo all over the place.
    Saw a day old one that still had the bloody cord hanging from it's belly.
    Scouted out some water on the Firehole River(5 miles from Old Faithful), lots of fish rolling for "blue-winged olive" emergers #18, #20's(during a snow storm at 2:30, Sunday).
    Some real "pigs",but most were in the 12"-14" range.
  • BIG NEWS ON THE ALPINE TOUR: April 2, commissioner's missive:
    ITEM ONE: GLAUS BOYS CRUSH COMPETITION!!!!
    On Sunday, March 31, 2002, Roommates Jeff and Bill Glaus ran up a streak of 12 or 13 (they clearly do not have beautiful minds...) straight games before falling to The Commissioner's streaky serve. The fallen consisted of Ray "Chicken-heart" Carillo, Rich "Mr. Smooth" McMullen, Jerred "Pops" Golden, Jimmy "El Cheapo" Curran, and the commish....

    ITEM TWO: NEWS FLASH... RAY AND RICH LOSE FIRST ALPINE CHALLENGE MATCH MONDAY, APRIL 1, 2002.....
    LAFAYETTE COLLEGE TENNIS COURTS...6 P.M....BILL GLAUS IN SWAN SONG W/ COMMISSIONER DEFEAT RAY AND RICH IN FIRST ALPINE CHALLENGE MATCH....6-7*, 6-1,6-0....RAY LOSES STEAM...RICH PLAYS W/ HANDICAP...
    * RAY CHANGES TIEBREAKER RULES IN PLACE SINCE 1800'S............WIMBLEDON FILES PROTEST....
   
   
   
   
   
 
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