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- Dear
Dr. Laurie:
I
can’t stop thinking up more and more cost-defective projects…
My latest exciting one
is a ‘Bachelors of Alpine 2004’ calendar, which we can
sell as a fundraiser.
The problem is, there
are only Ray, Jeff, Bill, Rich, and Ricky… (I guess Jim Curran
doesn’t quite count)… how can I fill 12 months? Please
help…
-- carnie in a quandry, March 5, 2003
Insight from
the good doctor:
Dear Carnie - While I would never stand in the way of a philanthropic
endeavor, this might be the worst fundraising idea ever. First of
all, even if you could use a body double such as Marky Mark with his
superfluous third nipple, I think you would be hard pressed to find
a market for a mere "Bachelor" calendar. However, if you
expand this idea to "Hunks of the Tour" your talent pool
literally explodes with prospects!! I hear that there is a devastating
attorney, a talented man with a sports addiction, and a hockey player
with teeth! Think of the possibilities. Carnie, you've just got to
be more creative.
- Dear
Dr. Laurie; I recently turned a decade older and many changes have been
taking place. My flatulence is excessive, my eyesight is poor, my hearing
is getting worse, my back aches, i pulled a muscle grocery shopping,
my skin is spotted, my memory fails me, I can't recover from hangovers,
gin doesn't keep me awake anymore, my significant other thinks I'm nuts.
That Mikey thinks this really bothers me.
What other changes can I expect??
--- Worried,
The Prince of Pigments, May 22, 2002
Insight from the
good doctor: coming soon, we hope -- good doctor??, hellloooo-ooooo
- Dear
Dr. Laurie, I lost quite a bit of weight in the last week. Does this
make me less of a man?? Wondering,
--- Aquaboy,
May 3, 2002
Insight from the good doctor:
Dear Aquaboy, Losing quite a bit of weight in a single week can affect
your manhood in one of two ways.
Now, if your weight loss method consisted of a highly regimented sexual
routine (preferably with a partner), then you are not less of a man
- you are THE MAN.
However, if you were on a water-only diet for a week, then slide into
those new leopard print high heels and go share your weight loss secret
with your friends at the local frappuccino café.
- Dear
Laurie; Do caviar facials really work?? Please let me know before cinco
de Mayo.
--- May 3, 2002
Insight from the good doctor:
Dear Less than Beautiful Mex,
You wanted your question answered before cinco de mayo, so there is
one thing you must know about Dr. Laurie - she is always thorough in
her responses, but never timely.
Nevertheless, your question deserves to be answered, as other truly
delusional people might also be wondering about the benefits of a caviar
facial.
The straight-up answer is that yes, caviar facials do have some beneficial
aspects, such as tightening the pores. But, this greatly pales in comparison
to the reaction you will receive for approximately a week after the
treatment.
You see, dear reader, the caviar used for these beauty treatments smells
about as bad as a dead shad on the banks of the Delaware in May.
Keep those questions coming fans!!
- Dear
"Laurie", What is the Guiness world record for tennis volleys?
--Mike S., April 25, 2002.
Insight from the good doctor:
Dear Mike S., WOW!! What a facsinating question for opening my column!
Who ***** cares?? Perhaps we should ask "Who is the longest living two-headed
person? That would be the 'Two-Headed Boy of Bengal', born in1783 who
died from a cobra bite at the age of four. On a related note - To make
perfect whipped cream for Irish Coffee, make sure and chill the bowl
and THE BEATERS for stiff cream.
- Dear
Laurie, My wife recently traveled out of state. Are we still legally
married while she is away?? Please explain.
-- Sincerely, A confused alpiner. April 18, 2002
Insight from the good doctor:
LOVE*3
To my loves, This is in response to many inquiries regarding inter-state
legal stuff.
Listen up ASSHOLES - If you really thought that leaving the state at
any time without your wife would make you single, the PA-NJ bridge would
be so ******* packed there would be no way to get across and you would
be doing anything to "date" the border cop just to swim across the border.
Think about it.?????? BE SAFE LOVE YOU ALWAYS -THANKS.
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