Elvis Aron Presley truly never wanted to be cloned. He wanted to meet his twin brother who died at birth, true, but he never wanted to be cloned. Unfortunately for him, and fortunately for those supermarket tabloids and the rest of us, he never wrote this down in his will. He never even talked about it. But we know, may he rest in peace, because he truly is dead.

We are his clones. Five of us. He was miserable; he didn't believe a clone of his could be happy. But most of us are. We've all recieved the accelerated age treatments. Two of us are young Elvises -- the process stopped before Elvis deteriorated. Two of us have gone to seed. And one of us has been allowed to age gracefully; Elvis as an Elder Stateman of 50's rock. Unrecognizable in shopping malls. The other four of us earn our livings as Elvis impersonators. And you know, we're happy. Most of us.

We guess that the main problem is that since Elvis the Original died back in 1977, we're not in the will ourselves. We didn't inherit. No one believes us. We came after the fact; parts of the first experiments in human cloning.

Oh well. As long as there's Elvis impersonators, as long as there's Elvis sightings -- we've got it made. If only we could gyrate as well as he did!